Who I Am Not

	"No my friend you will not have to be crucified in any form. How many times have I told you not to worry and a solution has presented itself in time, whether you have worried or not? This time I tell you not to worry, that salvation, not just a solution, will present itself, whether you worry or not. I say this even though I know that you do not wish to hear my words. Even though I know that you are understandably tired of my words. "Who would have believed that a master could be tired of hearing God's assurances? However, you are tired of hearing God's assurances, as Jesus was tired of hearing God's assurances. Have we not established that it is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect those who exist on the earth plane, to survive on God's promise that they will receive salvation after they die? Remember to those on the earth plane, death is real. "You think; 'what about those religious people who genuinely believe in salvation after death?'. We know that belief does not change reality. We also know that nearly every mainstream religion has a mournful and solemn funeral service. If the followers of those religions really believed that souls found salvation after death, would they not have a joyous celebration when a body died? No, even those who truly believe in salvation after death, believe that death is real. This is not a criticism, death is meant to feel real. The point is that death does not feel real for the one who dies, only for those who care about the one who dies." I had to admit that I'd had more than enough of being the example, regardless of how valid the points that God was making were.

	It was extremely hot. I was in some sort of rocky desert. I knew this place, I had been here before. I had very little water and no food. My face was burnt from the sun. My robe was dirty, my feet ached. I had not bathed since I had entered the desert. I had effectively been exiled. I was a slave who had escaped. My only hope of survival was to cross the desert. I did not know how long I had been in the desert, days or maybe weeks. I struggled to keep moving. I struggled to put one foot in front of the other. Despite this I had to keep going, I had no choice. I continued walking until I could walk no further. I fell and blacked out. I could take no more. That night, I once more found myself on the verge of tears of despair. I did not know what I was going to do. My despair was only with me a short time before my despair passed. Late that night, I felt my problems consuming me. I did not know how I was going to maintain my balance. God said, "You are not concerned for yourself. Your concern is only for others." I knew I was talking with my higher self, with the God within. Nevertheless, I asked that my difficulties would soon be over. I had begun to wonder if I was doing something to push my salvation away. Eventually I would understand that my salvation was being pushed away, but it was not me who was doing the pushing.

	I staggered backward and fell. My shoulder felt like it had been ripped off. It had happened so fast that I did not know what had happened. My shoulder burned and then it became numb. I reached up with my right hand, and felt the arrow just under my collar bone. I pulled my hand away as the realisation of what had happened set in. I could feel my blood oozing out of my wound. I stared at my bloody right hand. I wondered if I was going to die. I could feel the sand between my lips and in my eyes as I struggled to force myself up. I wanted to sleep, so much I wanted to sleep. I could hear a voice inside of me screaming to get up. The voice was so loud that I could not ignore it. Slowly I managed to force myself to stand. I wondered why it was necessary to include all of my difficulties and struggles within my writing. Surely we could have been able to explain what life is about for those who wanted to know, without the need to include my personal difficulties. God said, "The words, the meaning, the explanation is already available. It is the example, undistorted and without mythology and legend which will make the difference." I was far from convinced, in the scheme of things my problems were petty. I was not facing death row or dying of cancer or something. I was not exactly unemployed and I was not living in a carton on the streets of New York City. I was not living in squalor in India, or starving to death in Ethiopia. "Everything is relative. Is there one of those scenarios which you have not experienced during your existence and recalled during your journey? You have been executed, you have died of disease, you have been homeless living in squalor, and you have starved to death. Understand that most have experienced those things. To the average, everyday person in the western world, your difficulties would be unbearable, but also not unrealistic. Most have endured some if not all of what you are enduring. Although most would not have experienced them all at once, whilst travelling a difficult spiritual path.

	"The point is that average, everyday people will associate with your difficulties, and because of those difficulties and their average existence, they would not believe that they could become a master. The average, everyday person believes that those who became a master needed spiritual training, needed to spend time in the wilderness, needed to own nothing and have nothing to lose. "Who amongst the average, everyday persons could become a master? We know that all can become a master, but the average, everyday person is not aware that they become a master yet. Those in the religions tell the average, everyday person that they must follow a book of rules which are judgemental, and hypocritical, and attend a meeting of petty, self-important people each week and to listen to a preacher before them with a sermon that the preacher seldom truly understands. "Others will have the average, everyday person find God through fear of eternal damnation. I particularly like that one, 'God is love and if you do not find this love, God will cast you into the flames of hell for eternity.' I can see why people fall over themselves to find that particular brand of love. "Some would have people join a monastery and spend their time contemplating their navel, which provides knowledge but not true awareness because there is no opportunity to apply that awareness. Others would have people shave their heads and dance meaningless dances in the streets. Perhaps the average person should sell all they own and give the proceeds to a religious sect so that they can live in a compound in awe of the new messiah, and be one of the chosen few? "Not that there is anything wrong with any of the choices that I have suggested, all is experience. Have you yourself not experienced these choices during your existence? So too have many others. Having experienced all of those choices, you are left with one conclusion, the path to God is within. You have already completed your process of elimination.

	"Yes, many millions of souls have and will experience the earth plane difficulties which you have experienced, although do not overlook the concentrated nature of your journey. It is because many will experience, or have in their current lifetime experienced, many of the earth plane difficulties that you experience, that your work is their point of reference, and how others will associate with your experiences. "Let us assume that you were homeless, living in a carton in New York City. Notwithstanding that your experiences would be different and that you would not have a pen to write with, or paper to write on, who could truly associate with your experiences except for others who were homeless? If the average soul could not truly associate with your experiences there would be no point of reference. They would automatically believe that they needed to be destitute and living in the streets to find God. "You think that my suggestion is extreme, but most now believe that they need to be both special and persecuted, or that they need to sit under a tree and meditate year after year to find God. This is the result of the legend surrounding just two of the teacher/masters. "Most would not believe that a master would continue to have difficulties on the earth plane after becoming a master, but every master has had their difficulties. The masters' difficulties have been discounted and surrounded by myth, but those who choose to look deeply between the lines of what is written will know that every master has had their difficulties. "We ask souls to believe nothing. In fact a soul may go forth and study every spiritual text and religious doctrine that they can locate. After they have completed this task, they will reach the conclusion that God is within.

	"Consider the alternatives to established religions which are now surfacing under the collective misnomer of the 'new age'. Many have encompassed the concept of effectively worshiping the body. Live this healthy, 'holier than thou' lifestyle, only eat certain foods and drink purified water and do this and do that. Do you see the pattern of what is happening within the 'new age'? It is beginning to parallel established religions with rules and judgements. Already they are precluding many. "Do you not see that there is one basic message that has encompassed nearly all dogma regardless of its form? You must fit within these parameters, you must live within these rules, you must be who we say you must be, not who you are. "People cannot find God, because they are faced with so many alternatives. The principles of each alternative contains the truth, but the rules of each alternative preclude many from finding the truth, by obscuring the principles. "Consider all I have said this morning and understand that the truth is within, and within all. "Your real problem with having to remain within the business is that I will not allow you to embrace the business. I will neither allow you to pursue your business or walk away from your business. You are between two worlds, you are experiencing the need to balance.

	"If you were not undertaking this spiritual journey, you would do one of two things. You would either drag the business kicking and screaming, if necessary, to fulfil its potential, or you would reach your considerable tolerance level and seek an alternative interest. Either way you would take action, you would drive whatever was occurring. You have experienced both of those alternatives during your lifetime. "This is who you are. You have never been satisfied with employment solely for monetary gain, and you never will be. Your employment has always been motivated by your need to make a difference, your satisfaction at completing a task which you were told could not be completed. The rewards from your achievements have been considerable by the standards of many, but to you they have always been no more than a by-product of doing what you truly enjoyed, making a difference. "This is your real problem with your business life, you are unable to make a difference. You are unable to feel the satisfaction of a job well done, even when you know that you have done your job well, because you know that your efforts will not make a difference. "You lose sight of the fact that your employment is only there to support you whilst you complete this difficult phase of your spiritual task. Have no doubt my friend that what you are now doing will make a difference.

	"I know that you tire of my words. I know that it is very difficult for you to stand and watch your world fall apart. I know that it is difficult for you to have worked all of your life and achieved much and have lost much of what you have achieved through one means or another by following your path, even in the years before you knew the path that you were following. "All you have to show for your lifetime's achievements is a few possessions that are in storage, and you cannot see how you will have the funds to retrieve your few possessions from storage. "Do not under estimate the difficulty of your current environment, and do not feel that the nature of your difficulties are an accident. It is the very nature of your difficulties that provide the point of reference that others will draw parallels from. "You seek nothing from anybody, but you are placed in a position where you cannot survive without help. How else would you be able to accept the help that others need to provide? "Consider this one book. You have returned to touch the higher plane. You have become a master. You had believed that this would be the end of your difficulties. Difficulties are no more than experiences, but it was necessary to demonstrate that difficulties may continue after one has become a master. You know that difficulties may continue after one has become a master, and your difficulties did continue after you became a master. By your experience, you have established that difficulties can continue after one has become a master.

	"You know that you could soar spiritually. You know that you can create anything. You know that you can do anything because you know that you are the 10, and you know what the 10 is. This is why you retain the 1, because you, the 10, know that it is necessary to retain the 1. You know that it is necessary to retain the 1, because you know who you are, and you know what you are. In so knowing you retain the 1 to allow yourself to remain on the earth plane and to complete your task. "Your present confusion exists because you know at a conscious self level who you are, and you know at a conscious self level that what you are experiencing is who you are not. You know who you are, and you are aware of who you are at every level. Who you are wants to soar on the wind. Who you are wants your golden aura to reach out and touch those you encounter. Who you are wants to complete your unification with your soulmate. Who you are knows that what you now experience is but an illusion. Who you are knows what you will experience in this lifetime. Who you are knows that you will now experience who you are. "Who you are knows all of these things, but who you are not prevents you from being who you are now. Who you are knows that who you are not is necessary at this time. "I ask you, when one knows who they are, how can they be satisfied being who they are not? They cannot. You have experienced that you cannot be satisfied being who you are not, and you have demonstrated that you cannot be satisfied being who you are not as a part of your example. "Your salvation will occur when you become who you are. The salvation of all will occur when they become who they are. You assumed that when you became aware of who you are, you would no longer experience who you are not. Your assumption was incorrect. We have now demonstrated that when you became aware of who you are, you continued to experience who you are not, also as a part of your example.

	"The irony is that you cannot become who you are, until you receive your salvation from who you are not, and you cannot receive your salvation from who you are not, until you become who you are. "By definition both events must be simultaneous, but how could either occur unless you first knew and became aware of who you are not. If we maintain our illustration, you have to first know which part is the 10, and which part is the 1. "You think that you should be able to become who you are regardless of your environment, but how can you become who you are when your environment has been created to allow you to be who you are not? The environments that are created are physical, albeit illusions, so if a physical environment is necessary to experience, regardless of that experience, why would you assume that the environment needed to experience, to feel who you are, does not also need to be physical and at the same time feel real? If an experience does not become experience unless the experience feels real, why would this truth not apply to who you are?"

	I stumbled rather than walked. I had finished the last of my water. I did not know how I managed to keep going, but I did keep going. Every time that I tried to stop, that voice inside of me screamed at me to keep going. I thought that I saw someone in the distance, but I decided it was probably my mind playing tricks on me. I fell and lay face down in the rocky sand. I felt myself being rolled over and I looked up into the face of a man. He said, "Do not worry my friend. You have come a long way and it has been difficult, but you will be all right." I knew this man, it was Moses. I tried to smile, but instead I lost consciousness. I sat on the balcony again that morning and I allowed the beauty of the world to wash over me. I considered all that God had said that morning. I understood, and I knew that God was right. Nevertheless, as far as I knew the environment which I existed within, the environment which was not who I am, remained. I was barely conscious., I felt my body being half carried, half dragged away. I was very weak. I felt a sharp and excruciating pain as the arrow was pulled from my shoulder. The pain brought me back to consciousness. It was night, I lay on a skin of some sort next to a fire. I saw the iron rod in the fire and I knew what was to come. A man knelt beside me, I looked at him. He said, "Do not worry my friend. You have lost much blood, but you are going to be all right." I knew this man, his name was John, but he was also Hansa. I saw him remove the rod from the fire and I smelt my flesh burn even as I blacked out from the excruciating pain of having my wound sealed.

	It was time to recommence my review. I read about promises of the future and contrite explanations when my journey continued. I wondered why it was still necessary for me to experience who I am not. I was semi-conscious. I could feel Moses forcing life giving water between my lips. My lips were dry and cracked from the unrelenting sun and the water stung them. My tongue felt swollen and I struggled to swallow. However, I did manage to swallow. Each time that I swallowed, it became a little easier. Moses leaned over me, using his body to shield me from the sun. I again lost consciousness. As the day progressed I continued with my review. I continued to experience confusion. However, at least I now understood that my confusion was a result of experiencing who I am not, whilst knowing who I am, and the contradictions that such an experience created. I understood that I experienced confusion because others would experience confusion, and I was the example. Nevertheless, I did not enjoy the experience, and I received no satisfaction from knowing that others who chose to experience the contradiction would not enjoy the experience either. I was in some sort of tent. I could vaguely feel a spoon being forced into my mouth and the warm broth which I was being fed. I wanted to sleep but something inside of me told me I needed to drink to regain my strength. I had lost a lot of blood. I sat on the balcony. Tears began to stream down my face, I was overcome with sadness. I did not know why. I held the girl in my arms. We were beside the river. I felt cold, lost. I knew even before I had pulled her from the river that she was dead. She had been my daughter. I stared at her beautiful face and felt the tears stream down my face. I knew this girl, it was Katerina.

	I did not know why this memory had hit me now, or why the memory was so powerful. I had felt all of my past life memories, but the emotion of this particular memory had surpassed anything that I had previously felt. I attempted to tell myself that the memory was my imagination, but that did not explain the tears which still felt wet on my face. My tears were very real. I was stunned, it was another memory that I had not expected. I started to shake. How could I feel the emotion so powerfully? Maybe something had occurred. I wanted to reach out to Katerina, but I was scared and I tried to block any contact between us. I was shaking as I allowed my spirit to reach out. I screamed Katerina's name. I was frightened. I could feel Katerina trying to respond, but I was blocking our contact. I was scared of what I may learn. God said, "Relax." I could hear Katerina's spirit saying, "Brian, do not worry!" but that is all that I could hear. I blocked communication.Maybe I was insane after all. I forced myself to relax. I had a shower and calmed down. Finally Katerina's spirit said. " … it was only a memory." God said, "It was only a memory." I asked, "Why? Why have I had so many difficult memories during the previous few weeks?" God explained, "Previously you were not ready to recall the events that you have now recalled. Do you now understand what I meant when I told you that if you recalled all of your memories at one time, you would be overwhelmed?" I supposed that I did know, now.

	I booked into a park for the weekend with my boys. The park was peaceful, surrounded by the beauty of nature which for me had increased yet again. I suspected that the park was exactly what I needed. It had been a difficult week between the presentation for my job, and my spiritual experiences. My financial burden seemed to be increasing daily, and I did not know what I could do about it. If I had been told at this point that I would still be struggling with my financial difficulties, and that a solution would not have presented itself for more than one year into the future, I would not, I could not have believed it. However, that is exactly what did happen. I really was struggling with my financial situation, but it was not for myself that I was concerned. I began to question whether I really was concerned for myself, but I was not concerned for myself. Of that I was sure. I would be in another part of the world if it was not for my children or my wife, Katerina. I enjoyed wandering and exploring on my own, despite the fact that wandering and exploring on my own was a lonely existence, and I missed my family in England. There was no doubt where my concerns lay. Even my need to balance focused around those I needed to support and had chosen to support. If not for the few people I had chosen to support, I would not need to maintain my employment, and I would not need to balance between two worlds. I rested for a while before collecting my boys. I realised that I felt Katerina's presence, I always felt Katerina's presence, if that morning's events had been anything more than a memory, I would have known.

	I reflected on my confusion. God had certainly contributed to my confusion. God would first lead me to believe one thing, and then lead me to believe another. I would be told that my salvation would arrive and nothing would occur. I would be told that I had created my new world, and then I would be told that I needed an interim world, or alleged salvation to support me while I finished creating my new world. I had reached a point where I did not trust what God told me, about me. Despite my lack of trust where I was concerned, I must state that I did not doubt what I had been told about existence. Why then all of the confusion surrounding me personally? God said, "You needed to experience confusion. The confusion was caused by knowing who you are, but continuing to experience who you are not. All that I have done, as always, is to assist you to create the experiences that you needed to experience." What God had explained was correct, and God had indeed assisted me in what I needed to experience, but God had neglected to mention or even allude to the fact that I was receiving assistance to experience what I needed to experience, from another source as well. "Focus now on who you are. You can focus on who you are now, because you are consciously aware of who you are not. Apply your awareness. "You know what will come to pass. Search your soul, you have foreseen many events." I replied, "You are correct, but it seems that what I have foreseen is used against me." "No, what you have foreseen is not used against you. What you have foreseen is used as a convenient means to create the environment that you need." It was apparent that sleep would not come easy that night. I sat on the balcony of my cabin and I absorbed the energy from the dense vegetation around me, as I sat quietly listening to the night.

	It started to rain. I sat quietly listening to the rain and the night, whilst I continued a little more of my review. It was starting to rain. I could hear the rain against the tent. I was awakened and once more I was fed that same broth. I could feel my strength slowly returning. I reflected on the memories that I had drawn on from past lifetimes. I wondered if I could have simply imagined my so called memories. God said, "Why would you have imagined the lifetimes that you have recalled?" I replied, "Maybe I am trying to convince myself that it is time for me to be happy in this lifetime." "How do you explain that Sue who is totally impartial, as far as your journey is concerned, has had similar memories of some of the same lifetimes?" I reflected on an event which had occurred earlier that day. It appeared that I had, through my presentation, maintained the business's major contract one more time. I felt no satisfaction, other than a feeling that I had repaid my former business partners for their support. The following morning, I recommenced my review. The timing of what I was reviewing continued to surprise me. I looked at the words on the page that I was reviewing. '… I knew I had to become consciously aware of who I was through becoming consciously aware of who I was not.' As I reflected that morning, listening to the nature that surrounded me, I understood that it had only been through accepting that I am a master, that I had been able to become aware of who I am. In becoming aware of who I am, I had also become aware of the part of me which I am not.

	I had accepted that I am a master, and then I had experienced the remaining part of me that is who I was not with intensity, so that I could also become aware of the part of me that is who I am. I had reached a point where I was no longer 11 or even 10 plus 1. I was 10 although I continued to experience the 1. My conscious awareness would allow me to apply my awareness of who I am not, to become who I am. The sun shone through the entrance to the tent. I could hear the birds in the woods. I slowly sat up and then very unsteadily, I got to my feet. I made my way to the entrance of the tent. I was still very weak. I stepped out into the sunlight, and waited for a short while to allow my eyes to adjust. I looked over the camp site. All around me people were preparing breakfast and getting ready for the day. I smiled. I was alive. Heads turned in unison as I said, "Good morning." I again questioned if my memories were nothing more than my imagination. However, I knew that my memories were not my imagination, and even if my memories were my imagination, it did not matter. I was not asking anybody to believe my memories. My memories were my memories, and my memories were no more than my memories, just as others would have their own memories to draw on when it was time. I was in another tent, different from the previous tent which I had been in. This tent was more like a tarpaulin for shade than a tent. It was morning and the sun already shone brightly when I awoke. I managed to stand and I made my way on unsteady legs to the entrance of the shelter. I looked out and smiled. I was alive. I saw Moses a few feet from the tent. He turned to look at me. I said, "Good morning, friend."

	I was in a roughly built cabin. I lay in what was my bed. It was the early hours of the morning. Sleep would not come. My mind was full of images and I was blanketed in sadness. An image appeared before me. It was my daughter. She smiled, "Do not be sad Daddy. I will come back to you." I wanted to believe this, but I had only imagined it, what other explanation could there be. It was a quiet and peaceful day. I slowly continued my review and generally used the time to rest and recharge my energy from the nature around me. By late afternoon I was again close to bringing some new awareness to the surface, but I could not quite reach the awareness, whatever it was. Katerina was very close to me that day. I could see Katerina's spirit reacting with her child like enthusiasm to much of the beauty and wildlife of the park. It was as if Katerina was physically with me. That night, I reached the awareness that I had known was within reach. The awareness related to my financial situation, and I was able to trace my financial difficulties back through a series of key events on my journey. Firstly, if my financial circumstances had been different when I had gone to Paris and Katerina and I had been parted, I would have either stayed in Paris or gone to another city in Europe, probably with Katerina. This would have meant that I would not have spent time with Carlos, and it certainly appeared that I had given Carlos the key to enable him to open the correct door of his 'maze' at that time. If my financial position had resolved itself before this time, I would not have remained in the business. Every time that I had completed reviews and bought the business a little more time throughout the past year, had culminated in the major presentation which I had delivered a few days earlier, and which appeared to have allowed me to save the business from itself one more time.

	These are but two events, and the reality of the situation is that my example would have been altered if my financial position had resolved itself before this time. All of the times when I had received unexpected resources would have been unnecessary and much of the awareness that I had gained would have been missed. Suddenly, I could see clearly that despite my desperation, my financial position could not have been other than my financial position was or is. Everything had been exactly as everything was meant to be. Regardless of whatever happened in respect of my financial situation in the immediate future, I knew that my financial situation would develop exactly as my financial situation needed to develop, and I had really known this truth, throughout all of my difficulties. However, even knowing this truth, my difficulties were still difficulties. I did still want my salvation from the physical plane perspective. I wanted my joy, and my 'heaven on earth' that I was to experience. From the perspective of the higher plane, my salvation had been assured from the moment my soul first came into existence. From the perspective of my spirit plane, I had began to receive my salvation on the island when I began writing Searching For My Soul, my first book detailing the experiences of my journey to come Full Circle. God asked, "Are you not satisfied with a spiritual salvation?" I replied, "It is not a matter of being dissatisfied with spiritual salvation or anything else. Until I receive my salvation on the earth plane, I cannot experience salvation because I cannot truly feel salvation." "Yes, but many religions are built on the basis of spiritual salvation."

	"I understand the principle of spiritual salvation, and it would seem from my experience, that spiritual salvation would occur before physical or earth plane salvation. I have no reason to believe that spiritual salvation and physical or earth plane salvation must occur in the same lifetime." "You seem to be saying that spiritual salvation and physical or earth plane salvation will occur in the same lifetime for yourself." "Yes. This is my final lifetime. My salvation must therefore occur from the earth plane perspective and from the perspective of my example in this lifetime." "You are correct, master." I continued to reflected on my promised salvation. I understood that it was not God who was to provide my salvation, it was me. I had created my salvation that was to come because I knew that I needed to experience receiving salvation. However, I had not realised my creation at this point. God could promise me that I would experience salvation, because God knew my choices, and God knew what I would create. Exactly the same principles applied to the concept of my 'reward', and the 'reward' of those who had assisted me directly and by choice in respect of my journey. I and the other souls involved had and were creating our own rewards, because we needed to experience those rewards. God, knowing our choices, had conveniently brought us together to share our experience. God said, "You have much wisdom, master." I had known that I was required to return to England for Carlos, but previously I had been unaware of the connection between my need to assist Carlos, and my financial situation. It was the connection between my financial difficulties and many of the events that I had experienced during my journey, that I was now becoming aware of. The following morning God said, "If I never gave you information solely to lead you to experience, how would those who were led to experiences in the future understand that they were being led to an experience?"

	It was a quiet day which I spent in various activities with my boys. That night, I slept longer than I had slept for sometime, but it was a sleep filled with dreams about people from my old world. My dreams merged into one another, the theme was constant and clear. My old world was finished, and it was time for me to move on. I spoke with Katerina briefly. It was the day that Katerina would have her interview with immigration. It was apparent that as my old world, and the interim world which linked my old world and my new world together were ending. My new world was being built, on the foundation of my interim world. There was no guarantees that my difficult experiences were over, but I was about to enter the next phase of my existence. God said, "You have missed a word." I replied, "The next and final phase of my existence." God said, "That is better." When I reached this point during a review, I questioned this brief exchange. As I reviewed the exchange I 'happened' to be nearing the end of the difficult phase of my journey where my difficulties had seemed never ending. It may have been the final phase of my journey to my new world, but it was certainly not the final phase of my existence. During my review, God asked, "Isn't it? Surely when you experience being the 10, it is a new existence?" God's suggestion made sense, but God's suggestion was very convenient.

	After having a 'day off', it was time to recommence my review. I was beginning a review of Connecting With The Higher Plane. As I sat reviewing my work on the balcony that morning, I knew that I had some more awareness close to the surface, although once again I could not quite reach my new awareness. I reflected that as I had understood each of the links to my old world, I had released each link to my old world. I knew that I became aware of the links to my old world, only after I no longer needed the link to my old world, which is what had enabled me to release each link to my old world. I could see with hindsight that it had been necessary for me to retain the aspects of my old world which I needed, and that I only became aware of why I needed each aspect of my old world, when I no longer needed each aspect of my old world. I believed that the link to my old world which remained, in respect of my financial difficulties, would only remain whilst there were other links to my old world that I needed to maintain. It was my financial difficulties which had maintained the link to my old world, but my financial difficulties had only remained to force me to retain the remaining links to my old world, which were required for other reasons. I believed that the financial link to my old world would be severed only when the other links to my old world had fulfilled their purpose. Although my salvation, would through necessity adopt a financial focus, the true nature of my salvation would be the severing of links to my old world, which would enable me to build on the foundation of my new world, that I had laid whilst experiencing my interim world. My interim world had linked my old and my new world, and had also provided me with the environment that I needed to experience placing myself in God's hands, and re-establishing my conscious connection with the higher plane. My interim world had also enabled me to become the master who I am, whilst I remained attached to my old world.

	The sun was at its hottest. I sat in the shade of the simple tent, talking with Moses. It was still hot, but like all things, the coolness within the tent was relative to the heat outside. I was discussing my difficulty in crossing the desert. I knew Moses would understand, because he had crossed that desert a few years earlier. Moses looked at me and smiled. Moses said, "You are yet to experience this new life. I can tell you that the freedom and happiness that I have experienced in this new life have made the difficult journey across the desert worthwhile. Remember my friend that you could not have left your old life and reached this new life without undertaking your difficult journey." As I sat on the balcony, I studied the tree who had asked for the crystal a few days earlier. I was attempting to determine if the tree was looking better, or if the apparent improvement in the tree was my imagination. The tree said, "No it is not your imagination, I am feeling much better now." I reflected that it did not seem that I would have enough time to do all that I needed to do prior to Christmas. God said, "I recall that you have made an assessment of having insufficient time on a number of occasions." I had been told from a variety of sources, and many times that Katerina would be with me by Christmas, which did not happen. Everything was delayed. However, in fairness I have to admit that God was right, there was enough time to do all that I needed to do prior to Christmas at that point, regardless of the fact that I did not need the time, because nothing happened.

	As I continued my review, I continued to feel the emotion that I had experienced as I had lived the events. I also continued to see how every event, even those events which appeared insignificant and I had conveniently overlooked, fitted into my journey. Everything that had occurred, had been absolutely necessary. I knew that whatever was going to happen next, which I incorrectly assumed would be my promised salvation, would occur exactly when it had been foreseen. I understood that from a higher plane perspective, where time meant nothing, that the future was happening even now. As I understood that the future was happening even now, I also understood that I was effectively working to a schedule and that the schedule would not be altered. I would simply have to wait until the salvation that I had chosen to experience arrived. Nevertheless, I wondered if my salvation would ever arrive. I knew that I could stand and watch for my salvation to appear, or I could distract myself and do something productive whilst I waited for my salvation, but either way, my salvation would arrive when my salvation was due to arrive, and not one moment before. I attended the office. For a fleeting moment I wondered if perhaps my salvation would come from within the business, and perhaps it would soon be time for me to embrace the business again. There seemed to be aspects of the task that I had completed for the business which may require a little more work. Everywhere I turned within the business I seemed to encounter problems which required my attention. In hindsight, it was not that I noticed the problems, it was that the problems were pointed out to me.

	I found this development fascinating, because although the problems appeared to be major problems and although those within the business seemed unable to address the problems, there was not one problem which I could not handle in my stride. I knew this truth, because I had encountered and dealt with every one of the problems faced by the business easily on numerous occasions in this lifetime. I also had the feeling that my former business partner was about to raise the issue of the money that I owed the business, but that did not eventuate. Had I been able to embrace the difficulties within the business, any pressure in respect of the money that I had borrowed would be removed. Suddenly and unexpectedly I needed to leave the office. I needed to get out now. My need to leave the office was so strong that I could not fight my need to leave the office. I left the office, but I did not seem to be able to get home quickly enough. My nerves were on edge, and I became extremely tired. That afternoon, I slept and parts of my old world, this time from a business perspective, merged within my dreams. I again awoke with a sense that; 'my old world was finished'. The experience was fascinating, because I could see no way that my old world could be finished. My difficulties continued, but my difficulties only seemed to affect me when I needed my difficulties to assist me to re-experience what I was reviewing. It was not until I reviewed these notes, that I saw the parallel with what had occurred when I had cleansed my soul. Firstly, I had addressed my personal issues, and subsequently I had addressed my business issues. I reflected that I had been focused on 'today' for some time. I lived today. I was not focused on the past in any way. I only considered the past when I needed to clarify a pattern for some awareness. I wondered if I focused on the future too much, but I did not think that focusing on the future was a problem. I knew that everything would work out and mostly I only thought about the future when I had something thrust at me.

	I was definitely living each day. However, I was far from enjoying each day, despite that I mostly cruised and accepted whatever occurred. In fact, I only thought about my difficulties when I was reminded of my difficulties. I did not have my head in the sand, but I knew that everything would be all right. Mostly, my environment was an illusion, and I knew that my environment was an illusion. When my difficulties consumed me, and I felt that there was no way out, my environment felt real, but my environment was very artificial. It was as though I was experiencing my environment, and not experiencing my environment at the same time. It was difficult to describe the experience. My environment was an illusion within the illusion which is the earth plane. What I experienced was beyond knowing that the earth plane is an illusion. My environment was an illusion that was imposed or created specifically to ensure that I did not stray from my path, in the same way that my ongoing feelings for and attachment to Marie had been. As I allowed the concept to develop, I could see that the concept was specifically related to becoming aware of who I am and who I am not. My environment was an illusion because my environment was who I am not, and I was consciously experiencing that I was consciously aware of who I am not. I was experiencing awareness of my awareness. I finally understood what I had been feeling throughout this period of my journey. I felt the same as I had felt when I could not free myself from my feelings for Marie. My environment was not real and I knew that my environment was not real, which was why I found what I was experiencing so very confusing. However, there was no way that I was going to become fully aware of this fact, until I no longer needed the experience. As I re-experienced my experiences during my review, exactly what had occurred throughout my journey and all that I had experienced throughout my journey, continued to become clearer, just as God had told me that it would. Even though I had not fully appreciated the significance of the experience, it was clear that every time that I had experienced the intensity of my nerves being on edge, it had been followed by that tingling, fluttering feeling all over.

	I knew that both experiences were symptoms of my vibrational rate increasing. the 'fluttering or tingling' was with me almost constantly now as I was preparing to fully experience who I am. I desperately wanted to start building my new world, but I knew that I was not quite ready to build my new world. I did not know exactly what 'quite' would entail, but I knew that there was more that I needed to be aware of. My wrists began to itch from where I had been tied to the cross. Probably as a result of the itch, I found myself wondering why all of my doubts had been in respect of myself, and why I had not once doubted anything that I had become aware of in respect of our existence. God said, "Your very existence and the experiences that you have chosen have combined to create self doubt, which has been very convenient in the terms of the example because all will doubt. Do you not think that when others experience as you have experienced that they will also doubt? Others will doubt and if they are led to your example, others will understand that doubt is necessary because doubt produces questions, and questions provide answers. Answers produce awareness. The questions that others ask will provide them with answers at their own level of awareness, whatever that may be." My wrists stopped itching. As I reflected on the previous few weeks, I realised that I now saw the beauty of the world all of the time, regardless of what was occurring around me. In fact I saw the beauty of the world clearer when I was experiencing difficulties. I understood that seeing the beauty of the world is a part of the '10' which is who I am shining through, regardless of what the '1', which is who I am not, is experiencing.

	I reflected on the ongoing past life regression which I had experienced during the previous few days from my Moses' lifetime. I wondered if I had already experienced salvation during my existence. God explained, "Your memory was not about experiencing salvation, your memory and the original experience was to remind you that the path from one world to the next is seldom easy. "Did you not conveniently have this memory when you needed to provide some guidance this very evening to the one you have called Anne? "Consider also the point that you saw so clearly in respect of Anne. How the point which Anne is missing, and is slowly becoming aware of, is being presented to Anne whenever she looks. You know that the point which Anne is missing will continue to be presented to Anne, until she receives the message and increases her awareness to allow herself to move on. Is this so different to what you were reviewing within your notes just yesterday? "Do you not see that every part of your current environment is based around this theme of becoming aware of your experiences during your journey? "You know the point of your current experiences. You are aware of the point of your current experiences, and you are aware that you are aware. Apply your awareness to your acceptance that you are not 'quite' ready, and you will understand what 'quite' means. "You know that you must experience all that is necessary and you know that you cannot allow yourself to be free of what grounds you, until you are ready to release yourself to become one with all three planes."

	In the early hours of the following morning I found myself meditating. I was drawn to my conversation with Anne. There had been a different 'feel' to my guidance. A surety about what I had said to her. A calm knowing. I realised that it was who I am, that had answered Anne, not who I am plus who I am not. That was the difference which I had felt. I understood that I would now begin to experience who I am within a controlled environment, which would be the next step towards my salvation. I spoke with Katerina following her interview with immigration. The immigration officer had told her that there was only a 20% chance of Katerina obtaining her visa, and that she would not hear anything for 28 days, which was very close to Christmas. There was very little probability that Katerina would be with me before Christmas. I found it laughable that each time that we spoke with immigration, they seemed to change their mind about what was required. My first reaction to Katerina's news, was to think that everything would be all right. Despite this, when I considered my environment at the time, my 'salvation' seemed to be very far away.



	Copyright permission is seldom withheld.



	Who I Am Not
	I began to write my presentation for the business. As the day drew to a close I could not see how I could possibly finish my presentation for the business. However, I did finish the presentation for the business that day, other than a little tidying up which I would do the following day. The following morning, every muscle in my body seemed to ache. I did not know why. God said, "You are full of aches and pains." I replied, "Yes." "You are overweight." "Yes." "Your eyesight is poor." "Yes." "You smoke too much." "To smoke is my choice." "You drink too much coffee." "The amount of coffee that I drink is my choice." "And you are a master?" "Yes I am a master, why not?" "Why not indeed."

	As I sat on the balcony in the morning of a beautiful day. I reflected on the beauty around me. I had written a very good presentation in a very short period of time, but I received no satisfaction from an accomplishment, which at one time would have filled me with pride of a job well done. I received far more satisfaction from the beauty of that spring morning, than I received from the 'very good presentation' that I had written. At one time I would not have believed that such an experience was possible. I felt a little flat after I had completed the presentation for the business. I had done little more than fulfil a self imposed obligation, but even fulfilling my obligation gave me little or no satisfaction. I wanted to rest, but I was required to maintain my balance for a little longer, so I could not rest. As the day progressed, I encountered many minor events which indicated closure. There was nothing of any note, and I certainly was not looking for signs of closure, but there were so many of these minor, closure events, one after the other, that I could not help but notice. Towards the end of the day, I was left with the task of printing my presentation. Wherever I turned I seemed to be faced with difficulties. I could not understand why I was suddenly surrounded by difficulties. All I knew is that I was tired, and I desperately wanted to rest, but I could not rest. God said, "You chose to write the presentation for the business."

	I knew that God was right, but I was still involved with the business, so I really did need to write the presentation for the business. It was, after all, why the business was paying me. The difficulties I was experiencing with printing the presentation continued into the night. I had much to do, and once again there did not seem to be enough time in which to do all that I needed to do. I found myself reflecting upon the task that I had chosen to experience. God said, "It is you who have chosen the task." I had received much assistance in respect of many of the tasks which I had completed for the business during the previous twelve months. On this occasion, I received only as much help as was necessary. For the most part, my current task was a task which I had needed to complete on my own. "It is you who have chosen the task. The task is your task." "As you keep saying. The only reason that I am completing the task, is because I have chosen to complete the task." "Choice is the only reason that any soul does anything." "Are you suggesting that the task is unnecessary?" "No, for you the task is very necessary, if the task was not necessary for you, you would not be attached to the business at this time." "Was the task necessary, for me to know that I had repaid the business for their support?" "Yes, but the task was also unnecessary."

	"Was it not foreseen that I would complete this task?" "Yes, I told you that it was foreseen that you would complete your task, and I told you that you had no reason to worry about whether you had enough time to complete your task." "Why do I feel no satisfaction at having completed my task?" "That which is artificial can no longer satisfy you." I did finish my presentation that night. God said, "Did I not tell you that you would finish your presentation?" The following day, I would deliver the presentation and if it was meant to be, the business would retain their major supplier. What was to happen after I completed my task for the business, I did not know. However, I was very tired and balancing between two worlds remained difficult. I supposed that I had established that even a master could become frustrated on occasion. I had certainly become frustrated previously, but the difference was that I now accepted that I was a master. I had placed myself in God's hands, and God had never let me down, although I did wish that God did not always 'cut it so fine'. The next morning, as I was preparing to leave home, I realised that I had forgotten something minor for the presentation. My oversight meant that I would leave home much later than I wanted. Despite this set back, I arrived at my meeting with just enough time to set up the presentation, before the meeting started. Once more, as if to emphasise the point, I had cut it fine.


	The presentation went well, I had done all I could do for the business. My immediate feeling after the presentation was; 'now I have a clear conscious', which surprised me. I had no sense of achievement or satisfaction, just a clear conscience. However, I had not consciously known that I had any need to clear my conscience. That afternoon I finally got some rest. The other thing that I felt that night, was a continuation of my feeling of closure. Late that night, I spoke with Anne very briefly. Although it was only a short conversation, Anne had a significant message for me. The message was something that I needed to do, and I did what I needed to do. I had not reviewed my books for a few days, because I had needed to attend to my presentation. It was time to recommence my review. That night, I travelled to the spirit plane where I acquired some new awareness. However, I could not quite reach the awareness which I had acquired. I wondered why I could not reach my new awareness, but as I began reviewing my notes the following morning, I was coincidently reminded to relax and to allow my new awareness to surface. I continued my review, and once again the feelings from when I had first experienced the events that I was reviewing washed over me. I was reviewing a particularly intense period of my journey, and I knew that I was not reviewing that period on that day, when I was rested and when I was not required to attend the office, by accident. I was unsure whether I was looking for my 'salvation' or not. I knew only that I had once more reached a point where I was struggling to maintain my commitments, let alone remove the pressure which was continuing to mount. I was still without a home, and I was not comfortable with being without a home. My only thought was; 'this is ridiculous', meaning that I knew that my environment was not 'right'. In respect of my commitments to others, God said, "Do not be concerned, none have been affected."

	As I sat on the balcony, I glanced at a small tree which was obviously not well. The tree spoke to me. "The crystal which has been given has provided balance. Have you not got a healing crystal I can use?" I placed a healing crystal on the tree. The tree said, "Thank you." I did understand that most of the difficulties which I faced at that time, were a reflection of what I was reviewing. The difficulty that I was feeling was really a re-experiencing of what I had previously endured. My nerves once again started to feel 'on edge' and I knew that my body was adjusting to my increasing vibrational rate. As I had completed my final task for the business, I had found myself reviewing the previous four years of my business life, and the difficulties that I had faced during this period. I knew that the current difficulties that were faced by the business, and also the difficulties which were faced by my previous employer, were not my responsibility. Neither business had chosen to listen to me. If either business had listened to my guidance, and faced the difficulties that they were now facing, I may have had a reason to feel responsible. However, each business had made their decisions, and each business must now face the consequences of their decisions. I looked at the words in front of me. The words 'my final task' jumped out. I had not written those words. In fact, I had been aware of the words and I had attempted to prevent myself from writing the words, but I had been unable to do so. I would come to question these words. I became aware of one reason why I needed to re-feel the experiences of my journey. My journey had occurred so fast that at times my life was a blur. Re-feeling my experiences was a part of the process of allowing me to become fully aware of all that I had endured. I sat quietly meditating that morning. There were a number of people who I considered contacting. I did not know why I was considering contacting any of them. God said, "Those you consider contacting are a part of your old world. How will you ever leave your old world behind, until you release your old world? You cannot leave your old world behind, whilst you continue to grasp your old world."

	I reflected on the previous day's meeting. I saw clearly why neither organisation had listened to me in the past. I knew that they could not even begin to listen when neither understood, but it was an understanding that needed to come from within. It was time to enter the spirit plane. I did not know if I would retrieve the awareness which I was close to. I began to wonder what I was supposed to be feeling at this time. God said, "You are not supposed to feel anything, just feel." I entered the spirit plane. The spirit plane was full of images, past and present seemed to collide. I was on the spirit plane for a long time, fascinated and at the same time attempting to understand what was occurring. After several hours I knew that it was time to move on, a time to leave and I knew at that moment that this was also the message that was being delivered on the spirit plane. What I discovered on the spirit plane that day was far more than being told to let go and move on. It was also forewarning me about a time in the near future when past and future would collide, but I was obviously only meant to understand this aspect of what I had witnessed on the spirit plane that day, in hindsight. The result of completing the minor task which I had been told to do, via Anne's message, achieved nothing more than to assist in the re-creation of the environment that I was reviewing. That afternoon, I suddenly became very frightened, although I could not understand why. I felt as though something was going to occur which I would not enjoy, but at the same time, I did not think that I was interpreting my feeling of fear correctly. I began to wonder if the fear which was enveloping me, was because everything that had occurred, had been a delusion. This was a nonsense, because if everything that I had experienced had been delusion, I could not have felt that I should fear the possibility that everything that I had experienced had been delusion. Realising this, I understood that it was the sense of fear which was the illusion. Why the sense of fear was the illusion I did not know, and I certainly felt the fear.

	I wanted to leave. I wanted to leave my environment. I wanted to walk away and not look back, but my journey and my need to write seemed never ending. Time and time again, I felt that my journey was over, only to find that I had been resting and that my journey would recommence. The very nature of the events which I had recorded in this book, demonstrated this point clearly. God said, "Do you not recall that Jesus also wanted to walk away from his earth plane choices? Do you not recall that Jesus wanted nothing more than to reconnect permanently and live within the higher plane. Having experienced reconnecting with the higher plane, you now desire to become a part of the higher plane. It is not time to become a part of the higher plane, you have a lifetime to complete first." I continued to review my notes. I was not surprised that not long after I restarted my review, a sentence jumped out at me; 'Trust in God and allow everything to happen'. I knew that what I was now experiencing was an illusion, created by the experiences that I was reviewing, but my experiences certainly felt real. The breaks in my legs from my crucifixion were troubling me. Surely my repeating experience must end soon. I could feel every nerve in my body scream as my body once more adjusted to my increased vibrational rate. My palms began to itch where the nails had been driven through them. Later that day, I again travelled to the spirit plane. When I returned from the spirit plane, my body tingled with the effect of my increased vibrational rate, and I felt my aura increase. My spirit exceeded my body.

	The point that I continued to return to that afternoon, was illusion. Most of what had occurred during the previous month or so had been an illusion to ensure that I would really feel all that I was re-experiencing during my review. This was fact, and my environment was necessary, but there was much more to the illusion than I realised at that time, or would realise for many months. I was restless for most of that evening. I completed a little more of my review, until I became extremely tired. However, as soon as I discontinued my review, I was no longer tired. I knew that I needed to make some arrangements for the weekend so that I had somewhere to stay with my boys. I received the account from the removalist, which was more than I had anticipated, and I had not been able to pay anything towards the other accounts that were outstanding for a few weeks. The pressure continued to mount. The following morning, I was reflective. I considered everything that had occurred since I had begun my review. I had wondered why I had experienced so many difficulties in dealing with what had been occurring in my life during this time. I had often felt that I had somehow 'slipped back', because I had known better than to experience much that I felt. The more that I considered all that had occurred since my return to the higher plane, the clearer it became that I was experiencing an illusion, or a reflection of what I had experienced previously. I knew that I needed to experience the illusion, because I knew that I only feel what I need to experience. Anything that I did not need to experience, I observed, but I did not feel.

	I began to wonder if I was being shown that my difficulties had occurred because I had placed the support of others, or fulfilling my earth plane responsibilities above my own financial needs, and that perhaps I should not have placed my earth plane responsibilities, before my own needs. However, funds that I needed to support others would always be available when those I supported needed the funds, and when I had believed that the funds would not be available. Coincidentally, I 'happened' to review the conversation where God had explained to me that 'I needed to live up to my responsibilities', at a time when I was considering the same issue previously. As I reflected the account from the removalists, it was apparent that a temporary solution had once more had the dual 'benefit' of increasing the overall pressure on me to assist in the creation of my environment. An environment which I may have needed, but an environment which I did not enjoy. Later, I considered what God had said about me knowing which part was 10 and which part was 1. God was right, I did know. It was all of the minor physical ailments, the earth plane difficulties and such that were the 1. I understood that without my minor physical ailments, and my earth plane difficulties, I would not remain grounded. I would be able to release myself from the earth plane and I could not release myself from the earth plane, it was not time to release myself from the earth plane. It was time to remain grounded and to continue to experience the earth plane perspective, from my position of awareness. I attended the office that day, but I did not enjoy being at the office at all. I struggled with what I was feeling, because I knew that it did not matter where I was. I struggled with the issue of not enjoying my experiences. God said, "You continue to be too hard on yourself. You have effectively been attempting to balance two full time jobs, and responsibilities to your family for some considerable time. You may understand that such balancing is necessary, and you may know why such balancing has been necessary, you may in the future reach a point where you are truly thankful for your experiences, but you do not have to like your experiences. "Have I not said on many occasions that it is not necessary for you to enjoy your experiences, and that what you do like or do not like is irrelevant? "Consider the present position. You are a master. You are enduring experiences which you do not enjoy. These are two facts.

	"There are some that say that you are supposed to enjoy every experience. There are some that would say that a master has no experiences which are not enjoyable and that a master sees through all experiences. A master does know that all experiences are an illusion, but a master also feels experiences. Therefore, it can be seen that the facts seem to contradict the belief once again. "It is said that a master is different. It is said that a master is beyond the earth plane experiences, but a master is no different and a master is beyond nothing. "A master may understand what is being experienced and why, this is awareness. However a master must still feel the experience. Consider the one known as Jesus. No person disputes that Jesus was a master. Consider Jesus' experiences. Are some suggesting that Jesus did not feel betrayed, that Jesus did not feel persecuted, that Jesus did not feel forsaken by me, and deserted by his closest friends? Jesus, like you, may have been aware of what was occurring and why, which may have allowed Jesus to endure his experiences. Jesus did however feel his experiences, and Jesus certainly did not enjoy his experiences! "Is it a coincidence that most of what you re-experience you do so now, from the position of a master? Is it coincidence that you experience, and therefore feel your experiences once again, now that you are a master? "Did you not believe that you would no longer feel experiences when you became a master? Have we not now dispelled yet another myth? Consider all that I have said. Surely the experiences of Jesus would have told you that a master experiences an environment that they do not enjoy. You knew that a master experiences an environment that they do not enjoy. However, you were not aware that a master experiences an environment that they do not enjoy, until you experienced that a master experiences an environment that they do not enjoy. As you will recall, knowledge applied to experience equals awareness."

	What God had said did make a lot of sense, but unfortunately the pressure upon me continued to mount. Matters which I had been stalling could no longer be stalled. Everything I attempted became difficult and once more, I reached a point where I was running out of options. I reached a point where I had no option other than to borrow a little more money from Nancy, which was something which I did not want to do. The money I borrowed from Nancy would buy me a week, which did not seem to be anywhere near long enough. God said, "You continue to be too hard on yourself. If it was not for your responsibilities to others, you would not have any difficulties. In fact you would not be in your country. You would have gone to live in Europe, found a simple job and completed your task in peace. However, that would not have served our purpose, so you have the responsibilities and character to prevent you from doing what you are drawn to do. "Ask yourself this. How would it be possible for those who have chosen to follow your example to leave their environment and find their peace in another country or another part of the world? If you were able to leave your environment and find your peace in another country or another part of the world, what sort of example would you be? Yes, many could leave their environment and find their peace, and some will leave their environment and find their peace, but most would not even be able to conceive of leaving their environment. Therefore, you chose a life that would prevent you from leaving your environment and finding your peace in another country or another part of the world. You chose to be the example. "Ask yourself also, if we could have made the points that we have made if your experiences had been any different than your experiences are? Remember, Jesus needed to be crucified before he found his peace. Jesus was crucified to tell others that they only needed to find pure love, but very few understood. If I were to insist that you were crucified, who would chose to follow your path?