The Dawning Of A New Day

The action of providing the key to Katerina's awakening was important. However, the result would be as the result would be, and I need not concern myself either way. If reading my books about the true nature of existence was too much for Katerina to handle, then living true nature of existence certainly would be too much for Katerina to handle.

I reflected that I would like to receive some confirmation of the value of my books on my return.

God asked, "Is my confirmation that your books are worthwhile not good enough? Do you need confirmation from the earth plane?"

I replied, "Sometimes."

"I understand. You are after all attached to the earth plane."

A little later during the trip I found myself focusing on incorrect issues. Issues of the earth plane for which I already had answers. I knew that focusing on incorrect issues was only experience, and I knew that I continued to experience the lower plane perspective. Nevertheless, I did not seem able to avoid focusing on incorrect issues.

God said, "Katerina is your soulmate."

I asked, "Well, why are things so difficult? Why is Katerina unawakened?"

"Your difficulties are a part of your challenge, your example.

"You think that you must miss people not being in your life, or you do not care for them. This is not so. To feel a void because someone is not in your life at any given time is negative, not positive. As usual you are viewing the experience in reverse. Do not forget the mirror effect of the earth plane. If someone is not in your life, that someone is not meant to be in your life, it is that simple. If someone is in your life, that someone is meant to be in your life.

"Can you tell me one positive thing that comes from such self pity because someone is not in your life? You have surely experienced self pity because someone is not in your life, enough in your lifetime to understand my point!

"You must release all negative things and allow yourself to focus on what is positive. You know that you must allow yourself to focus on what is positive. You have experienced allowing yourself to focus on what is positive. In so many experiences you do allow yourself to focus on what is positive, but occasionally you choose to experience what is negative again.

Throughout our discussion and throughout the day, there was a very strong presence around us. The spirit was very powerful. I knew that I knew the spirit, but I did not recognise her at first. I also knew that I should recognise George and I knew who George was. I knew my connection with George was something to do with a past lifetime, but I did not recall which lifetime.

God said, "You do know who George is and why George is affecting you."

Several times during that day, I felt the negativity of George around me but being aware of George's presence, I pushed George away easily, and I maintained my peace.

I slept a long deep sleep that day. When I awoke that night I was surrounded by spirits. Many seemed to be talking to me at once. I said, "Enough." I could not deal with all of the spirits at once.

Later that night I knew that the spirit who had been with us when Nancy and I were talking had been Natasha.

Natasha said, "I will protect you."

I knew that Natasha was talking about George.

I knew that George was around me for a reason, and I knew that I had been unaware of George's presence for a reason. George had been the one forcing me back onto the earth plane, and forcing my battle which was integral to the example that was my journey.

It was now time for me to become aware of George's presence, so that I could control the effect which George was having on me, and fully move into my spiritual role.

I knew that I would use my time away from Katerina to focus on my spiritual nature. I knew there were many more answers which I would receive in respect of the reality of our existence.

That night, I typed the letter I had written to Katerina. I felt very close to Katerina. I believed that Katerina would awaken spiritually during our time apart, and I hoped that Katerina would become aware of her need to awaken.

The following morning, I asked the obvious question, "If I chose to continue to return to the earth plane perspective, why was this George necessary?"

God replied, "You chose to return to the earth plane perspective by blocking your awareness of George. This allowed George to push you back unhindered. The presence of George was also blocked from those who have communicated with the spirit plane on your behalf, because it was important that you did not become aware of George, until it was time for you to become aware of George."

"So George's role in pushing me back was necessary?"

"George's role was very necessary. You could not have continued to lose your spiritual perspective without George's assistance. For a long time you could not understand why you kept losing your perspective, because you knew that losing your perspective should not occur. It was also necessary that you did continue to lose your spiritual perspective.

"Many events have been experienced by yourself, simply to allow yourself to experience the events."

"Yes, you need to experience thwarting George. Others must see that there are those on the spirit plane who will attempt to block the awareness of those on the earth plane. Mostly such spirits will be unenlightened and unaware acting only in a karmic perspective. Usually they will be spirits who perceive they were wronged on the earth plane, in one form or another."

I did not know it at the time, and I did not realise the significance of this explanation until my final review, but there was a very specific reason why I needed to experience convincing George to move on.

I was to encounter this scenario again, and when I did I would draw on these experiences of a spirit holding me back, to convince a spirit who was holding another back to move on.

It was also apparent during my final review that my experiences of assisting a spirit 'trapped' on the spirit plane to move on, were a part of my preparation within my controlled environment.

"So I once caused this George some harm?"

"No, but you did once share an experience with George, in which you were the aggressor. You now share another experience, or a series of experiences. The timing of which conveniently applies to your example."

"Yes, with George's help you experienced returning to your earth plane perspective, and also that those on the spirit plane can work against you. You have also experienced that those on the spirit plane do not really work against you, but in cooperation with you. For you to experience what you have chosen, you initially needed to be unaware of George's presence. You also needed to experience protecting yourself against such spirits, and to do so you needed to become aware of George's presence.

"To protect yourself, surround yourself with the white light of protection, whenever you feel George start to push your perspective back."

"Explain white light."

"As you are aware, all colours reflect certain aspects of awareness. The combination of all colours produces the colour white. I am light. White light is God. You know this.

"Many spiritual souls call on white light for protection, unaware that they are in fact calling upon me for protection."

I read some notes which Nancy had written whilst I was away. After reading Nancy's notes, I had a message for her.

I felt George attempting to push me back. I closed my eyes, and surrounded myself with white light.

George said, "You cannot block me."

I replied, "Your role is over now George, go away."

I returned to bed, but I did not sleep. I spent the night alternating between discussing various issues with God, and battling George. In between there was an occasional brief contact with Katerina's spirit.

Later that morning, my soul went away seeking information about something or other.

It proved to be a very difficult day. I battled my perspective all day and I missed Katerina. I obtained some crystals, mainly to help protect myself against the continuing efforts of George. I also secured a number of crystals to assist Katerina with her awakening process, and I assisted Nancy in selecting crystals to assist her balance.

My battles became more difficult as the day wore on, many of my old illusionary physical problems raised themselves. I became very tired, and I finally allowed myself to sleep.

That night, my battle with George continued, but I felt that I was slowly gaining the upper hand. I also had some discussions with Katerina's spirit. As I drove home, Katerina's spirit sat in the car with me, and Katerina's spirit gave me moral support in my battle with George for my spiritual perspective.

Katerina's spiritual power and awareness was very strong, but Katerina's spirit confirmed that Katerina was consciously unaware.

My little battle with George continued into the morning. Always on the edge of my spiritual perspective. Spiritually, Katerina continued to be with me. Physically Katerina and I were not meant to be together at that time, if Katerina and I were meant to be together at that time, we would have been together. Strangely, I felt that Katerina and I were supposed to be together.

I had no conscious idea of what to do next, so I did what I had learned to do, nothing. I felt that I should spend much of my time meditating quietly, and that I should allow everything to develop around me. However, there were some issues which concerned me.

God simply said, "Everything is as everything is meant to be."

It was late morning, I remained unable to focus on anything that I needed to do. For the most part I sat quietly, although I did talk with some friends which helped me to put what had occurred into perspective. I did accept that Katerina and I would be together if we were meant to be together. Spiritually Katerina and I were very close.

I felt that there was something which was going to happen very soon, and all that I could do was allow whatever was going to happen to occur.

I showered but instead of getting ready to go about my business, I meditated in the bath for some time. I seemed to be searching for an illusive answer, and I maintained my position on the edge of spirituality.

It was as if I did not want to pick myself up, but interestingly I did not stop writing. I could not understand why I continued to descend into and beyond despair, despite all that I was aware of, and all that I had experienced. That I would continue to descend into and beyond despair did not make any sense, George notwithstanding.

I knew it had only been a year since my recorded journey started, but it had been an extremely intense year. The following day, I would return to the business, and once again I had to ask "why?".

Nothing changed. Nothing ever changed.

Of course, that nothing changed was not quite correct, even if nothing changed was how I felt. A great many things had changed, but the 'great many things' had changed from within my old world, and my links to my old world remained through necessity.

As my awareness grew, I would understand the reasons why I had maintained my links to my old world, and as I understood why I maintained my links to my old world, I would release the links to my old world.

All that I desired was to do God's work and to help people. If possible I would like be with Katerina.

The following day, I would return to pretending. I would return to somewhere that I did not fit in, and did not belong. I wanted my need for my old world to end, but I did not know how to end my need for my old world.

It is very difficult to describe what I was enduring. I had a reasonable home and a well paid job. I had no pressure on me other than some financial issues. However, I did not belong, and I did not seem fit into the earth plane at all.

I was trapped between two planes. I could neither move one way or the other. It did not matter how hard I tried to free myself, I was caught in this no man's land between two planes, and I did not seem to be able to become free of either.

I knew that feeling trapped between planes did not make sense. I knew that I was experiencing being trapped between planes for a reason, but I was experiencing being trapped between planes nevertheless. I needed to endure, and I would endure.

I thought; 'This is crazy. Who would choose to follow my path? Who would endure what I have endured, by conscious choice?'

I reflected upon the previous teachers. I knew there was not really any day to day account of their lives before they became teachers. I knew from my time with the previous teachers that much of what they had endured, was similar to what I now endured. I knew that the previous teachers had also endured a tremendous conflict within themselves, but in respect of their teachings that had survived, the conflict within, and the 'human' nature of the conflict within, had been glossed over.

I found it fascinating that, throughout my difficulties I had at no stage discontinued my writing. Writing was something which I could not stop doing, and I suspected that my need to write was in some way a symptom of being trapped between two planes.

The message which I had been asked to deliver, or I had chosen to deliver was clear, but personally I was riddled with conflict and misleading information, creating a contradiction which I could not explain.

I suspected that my inner conflict was simply the experience of a teacher and I suspected that a clear account of the conflict and the loss of perspective was necessary, as a part of my example. Perhaps this time, the conflict would not be glossed over and perhaps, this was precisely the point.

As I reached this point during my final review, God said, "That an inner conflict is a natural progression of a spiritual path, is precisely the point."

I had to ask myself that if everything that I had experienced, was no more than a delusion, why did so much of what I had been told directly, in respect of the purpose of our reason for being, fit so well within the teachings of masters which I had been led to, after receiving the knowledge directly?

If my experiences were real, and it was obvious that I was being given pieces of information from a wide range of writings or beliefs, and putting the pieces together, why did nothing change? Why did I remain trapped between two worlds, and why did I continue to despair because I did not belong on any plane?

Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last time, I saw my task as being too much for me. I did not know which way to turn, or what to turn to. I wanted out, I wanted to get into my car and drive away leaving everything behind me. I wanted to find peace, but I knew I would not find peace anywhere, but within myself.

I wondered why each of my books ended on a positive note with me at peace only to have the process, in principle anyway, start over again.

All of my nerves were on edge, it felt like my nerves were raw and exposed, even to the air. Perhaps my nerves were raw and exposed. This rawness of my nerves was something which I had experienced on a number of occasions previously, and something which I had not expected to experience again. At this point in time I did not understand exactly what was occurring each time that I experienced my nerves being on edge.

I wondered how I would be able to keep enduring my recurring battles without being destroyed myself. I knew that this very statement was a nonsense, but my words appeared on the paper anyway.

I had been cruising, and I had remained on the spiritual edge, until I had decided to go within to release myself from the spiritual edge. Instead of releasing myself from the spiritual edge, I had returned with this battle within myself, and with George.

All around me, there were earth plane problems which needed my attention. I had not even unpacked properly after moving into the house in which I now lived, but I could not address any of the earth plane issues, which seemed to surround me.

I knew that there was something very significant about this tremendous battle which was now raging within me, and transferring itself to paper. I knew the battle which was now raging within me was not my final battle, because I had already endured my final battle two months previously, or so I believed. In reality, I had no idea what my final battle would involve, or when I would face my final battle.

I could not understand why I questioned everything that occurred. I suspected that in time I would receive another contrite explanation, but I could not accept at that very moment, that I would find a contrite and convenient explanation, either acceptable or believable.

My battle was manifesting itself physically with incredible intensity, and there was nothing that I seemed to be able to do to stop the intensity of the battle. I was waiting for my body to explode, such was the intensity with which the nerves in my body vibrated.

As I completed my final review I found myself staring at the last sentence of the previous paragraph. I had known exactly what was occurring, although at the time I was completely unaware that I knew what was happening.

I was given a few minutes respite, and I walked in circles. Every nerve in my body tingling. If this was part of the process one had to go through to become a master, who would consciously choose to become a master.

The battle within me was dissipating, and suddenly the battle within me seemed to be over. I was absolutely exhausted. I had a feeling that what I had endured, was the physical manifestation of a spiritual battle, perhaps with George.

I felt that I would find an answer within my notes. I had reviewed less than one page, when I found the answer which I sought. However, what I found was only a small part of what I was experiencing, and in reality, no more than the underlying reason for the battle within myself.

I reflected on that afternoon's battle. I realised that on this occasion and indeed every occasion when I had endured an intense physical and emotional difficulty, I had in reality experienced the symptoms of a spiritual battle, and the experience was not really physical at all.

Much of the reason for the timing of my latest battle was so that I would finally understand the nature of what I was experiencing, and had experienced previously without understanding. However, I only understood the symptoms. I understood that my physical experiences were the symptoms of a spiritual battle, but I did not really understand exactly what the physical result of my spiritual battle was.

When we reach a point where all of our nerves seem raw, exposed and ready to explode, we are experiencing the physical symptoms of a spiritual battle which we are unaware of. The spiritual battle is so intense that if we were aware of exactly what was happening, we would be overwhelmed.

After I had allowed myself to understand the nature of what I experienced, my soul left me again and I became very distant. I was glad that Katerina had not been with me to witness what I had experienced. I felt that Katerina was not ready for the intensity of my experiences.

Despite my difficulties, I had arranged to drive Nancy home after an appointment which I did, and then I slept until dinner was ready, I was exhausted. When I awoke I remained very withdrawn. As I drove home that evening, I suddenly realised that it was time to remove some of the pressure which I was placing upon myself, and how I could remove some of the pressure which I was placing upon myself.

I needed to come to terms with now. I did not like now. I found now confusing and intense. I sought relief in the future, becoming frustrated when the future did not become now. I had drawn from the experience of my existence, and I had faith in the future, but I had been overlooking now.

As I reflected on the point that I was overlooking now, I saw two things clearly. One was the number of times since I had returned from my trip, that I had been given a message that I was overlooking now. The other was that my most peaceful and content moments of the previous year, since the intensity of my awakening had begun, were the moments when I lived only in now.

Every moment is now, now can be a joyful or a difficult experience, but now is now.

We must fully experience now, because unless we experience now, we will re-experience the events of now, and we will keep re-experiencing the events of now, until we have experienced now.