Stepping Into The Unknown

I truly believed that God was asking too much from me. I could not take much more frustration, and I again began to question if I was insane.

If Katerina did not obtain her visa I suspected I would go home and contemplate suicide once again. What was the point? I only wanted to be happy. I was a good person. All that I wanted was to be with someone whom I could love, and who loved me. I wondered if wanting to fully share love, was too much to ask. I believed that I deserved to fully share love, and I could not understand why I had created another environment of frustration and disappointment.

Maybe I had invented all that I had experienced after all. God did not really exist, and all that I had experienced was fantasy out of desperation for a happy life, and companionship. However, I could not deny that all that I had experienced had happened.

Maybe I was still looking to another to enable me to be happy, instead of finding my happiness within, but why had I been led down this path? Why had the resources which I needed to pursue this path been made available to me?

Later that day, Katerina said that she was ill, but I sensed that I was not what Katerina wanted. Why then had we been brought together? I did not know. I became resigned to the fact that maybe Katerina was not for me. Maybe I was being negative, but I sensed that we were not going to be.

Why did I continue to write? I did not know.

I was in Paris with a very beautiful lady. For the most part we were very compatible. Regardless of our visa difficulties, I should have been happy. I was not, I was very, very sad. I did not know what I expected from God. Certainly I did not desire some contrite explanation. I had to ask myself why had I chosen to experience this?

In many ways, the more I thought about all that had led me to Katerina, the more that Katerina did fit the descriptions which I had been given so many times. Why? There was only one answer. Experience. However, if following the path to Katerina had only caused me financial difficulties and heartache, it was an experience which I really did not need, in my earth plane opinion.

Later that night, the pendulum swung again. Katerina and I once more had much fun and I could see how Katerina balanced me. I did spend a lot of time looking into Katerina's soul, and I liked what I saw.

I awoke throughout the night. I understood the three parts of Katerina. Previously I had seen the two parts of Katerina which she allowed to be seen. Those two parts of Katerina very much contradicted each other. Katerina also said things which did not fit into who she was, as if Katerina was attempting to live up to an image which was not really her. I saw how the pieces fitted and I saw who Katerina really was. What I did not understand at this point was that the conflicts which I saw, were different personalities, and that Katerina had more than three different personalities. However, when I saw who Katerina really was, I did in fact see who Katerina really was. I decided that we would attempt to obtain a visa for Katerina once again.

I did know that no matter what happened, everything would be as everything was meant to be, and everything would be for the best. If Katerina did not obtain her visa at this time, it meant that we were not supposed to be together at this time, maybe never. I would accept that we were not supposed to be together at this time and I would experience that we were not supposed to be together at this time, but I certainly would not understand why we were not supposed to be together at this time.

I knew that everything that had occurred was real. Everything that I had experienced had happened. Most of what God had told me about our existence, I had been led to confirm through a variety of books or texts, which I had been subsequently drawn to read. I had not encountered one book which confirmed everything, but I been drawn to a number of books which contained some of what I had been told. As I reflected on the confirmation which I had been drawn to, I could clearly see my role to put the truth back together.

I had been unable to let go of Marie for a purpose, and I knew that I could have been led to Katerina for a purpose. The difference was that I could receive no confirmation from God or my spirit guides in respect of Marie, but in respect of Katerina God had been very specific, which was why I could not understand that it seemed unlikely that Katerina and I would be together, now.

After all things were considered, I was confused. At a spiritual level there was no doubt that Katerina and I would be together, but a physical level that Katerina and I would be together, did not seem possible.

Later when we talked some more it was apparent that Katerina had some difficulty in understanding my awareness about why we existed, but I thought that we would overcome Katerina's difficulty in understanding, when we overcame our language difficulties.

I had reached a point where I was not desperate to be with Katerina. I knew that if Katerina and I were meant to be together, we would be together, and if Katerina and I were not meant to be together, we would not be together, no matter how hard we attempted to be together. I would have to accept fate's decision on whether Katerina and I were meant to be together, because I had no choice.

I considered what I had been able to organise for Katerina and myself before I left Sydney. I had been able to organise our trip until the following day, and again from around ten days time, with a period in between during which I had not been able to organise anything. It was during this in between period that Katerina would return to Moscow. As it had transpired, the arrangements which I had been able to make fitted very neatly into the reality that we had experienced, and coincidentally Katerina's ticket to return to Moscow was scheduled for the following day.

We had gone for a walk that night, and I had reflected on how different my life would be with Katerina in it. I recalled what I had said to Katerina in my first letter. 'I was going to feel life'. I was certainly going to feel life with Katerina.

Later that night, we had dinner in a Russian restaurant. As we did different things throughout the week, it had become easier to see passed the façade, and to see the real Katerina. After we returned to the hotel we had a major argument, which was not easy in itself because we argued in different languages. However, we did sit down and talk and disagreement through, and we resolved the situation.

Both of our emotions were up and down. Sometimes we were full of joy at being together, and sometimes we were full of questions as we tried to understand each other, and establish our relationship.

It was apparent that even though Katerina and I were very different, we were exactly what each other needed. Together we were balanced.

I knew that for Katerina and I to have our optimum relationship, we would have to spend much time together, and I saw the joy which Katerina and I would share. The thing which I found most healthy about our relationship, was that despite our difficulties and differences, Katerina and I did not wish to be people, who we were not. I knew that the purpose of any relationship was to allow us to be who we are, and to discover who we are not, to enable us to return to the higher plane.

For my part, I wanted to be who I was with Katerina, and from the perspective of the physical plane I knew that if who I am, was not what Katerina wanted, we would never work. From the spiritual and higher perspectives we were already together.

I thought about Katerina often, and my thoughts were very positive emotions. Joyful because we would be together, not sad because we were not together at that time. I very much wanted Katerina to be with me, and I needed Katerina with me, but even though we were apart physically, we were very much together spiritually.

Throughout our time together, and our time apart, God constantly said to me, "Do not worry."

I spent most of the day sitting quietly and meditating about my situation, and about Katerina.

Katerina had certainly had an impact on me, and I wanted to be with Katerina. We spoke on the telephone, and Katerina felt exactly the same as me. Katerina was hopeful of obtaining a visa within seven days, which was the exact amount of time before I returned to Paris. Once again the timing of everything that occurred seemed to fit with the arrangements which I had made, but I had experienced too much to read anything into this.

The following morning, I felt very close to Katerina spiritually and I was confident about the future. Katerina rang me unexpectedly. It appeared that Katerina was still having visa problems, and that maybe we would have to go back to Paris and try again. I was unsure of what to do next. I was certainly in unknown territory, and I had no idea of which path to follow.

I decided to attempt to travel to Russia for a few days to be with Katerina, which would also give us another opportunity to rectify Katerina's visa difficulties.

I considered that maybe I would need to return to solitude to complete my work, but I hoped that I would not need to return to solitude. It was a very unusual time. On the earth plane I was positive, but a little emotional. On the spirit plane I was very content.

I visited a travel agent but it was apparent that travelling to Moscow would not be possible at this stage. I became a little despondent. I could not understand why Katerina and I were 'so close, and yet so far'.

I missed Katerina. I missed being with Katerina, and I did not know what to do about the situation. I decided to ring Katerina and immediately I felt close to her. Katerina had a far deeper impact on me than I had realised.

Later that evening, it was apparent that Carlos remained deeply troubled. I spent some time explaining aspects of life, or what I had become aware of about life, to Carlos. Suddenly, I understood that Katerina's visa problems had caused me to return to England to spend time with Carlos, which was not an accident.

In hindsight, I understood why my financial difficulties had resolved themselves in the manner in which my financial difficulties had resolved themselves at that time. If my financial difficulties had resolved themselves permanently, and if I had not just scraped through, I would have probably remained in Paris, or maybe travelled to another part of Europe with Katerina. My motive to return to my family in England at that point was that I did not have sufficient resources to make any other choice. I did not fully understand the truth at the time, but I needed to be with Carlos, and I needed to provide Carlos with the guidance which he needed.

I did not know why Katerina and I had chosen to experience being parted. Perhaps we had chosen to experience being parted so that we would realise how much we missed each other, and how strongly we had connected. Spiritually Katerina and I were not apart, Katerina and I were only apart physically.

I understood that I needed to remain on the physical plane, because on the physical planes is how we experience life. I knew that I had much to experience. I understood that I continued to have events on the earth plane, transpire other than I would have liked, so that I would remain earthed. Unless I was attached to the earth plane, and I continued to have what could be termed earth plane difficulties, people would be unable to relate to what I had to say, and the example would be lost.

That night Dorothy asked me to explain what had happened to me, from the perspective of the physical plane, which I did. From my perspective, it was an interesting discussion.

I realised that each time in my life when I had needed to change my situation, I had endured until I was able to move on. The pattern applied consistently to both the business and personal parts of my life. The main difference this time was that I was experiencing a complete change of direction. I recalled that previously I had remained within an environment which I knew that I needed to leave for up to two years, before moving on.

The more I viewed life from any perspective, the more I saw the circles which were present throughout our existence. I did know that the earth plane was an illusion to gain experience, but I could not lose sight of the fact that the earth plane felt real and needed to feel real, to be experienced. Even to a master, the earth plane feels real, which is a necessity for experience.

I knew that I needed a day of quiet meditation, and I knew that I needed to return to phase. I knew that I would to return to phase, at least in part, that day.

Katerina and I were together spiritually. I did not need to reach out at all to feel Katerina's presence. Katerina was with me all of the time. Katerina was with me in a positive way, not in the negative way which was something that I had experienced previously. I understood that I had now experienced both sides of the coin, which related to souls being very strongly connected on the spirit plane.

I did not need to reach out or search for Katerina's presence in desperation, or in any other way. Katerina's presence was there, strong and positive. It appeared that I had truly found my soulmate. I knew that Katerina and I were together spiritually and that we always would be together spiritually. I was not sure when Katerina and I would be together physically, but 'when' did not really matter.

I was fascinated that Nancy happened to be in my home, and that I happened to call home for no conscious reason, exactly when I needed to talk with someone who understood my situation. A few weeks later, after I had returned to Australia, Nancy told me that she had reached out to me, at that time when I had rung her.

Early that afternoon Amanda, my daughter, came to me for the first time in many months.

I asked, "How are you?"

Amanda replied, "Very well."

I asked, "Will everything be all right?"

Amanda replied, "Yes."

I continued to reflect. I looked to my left. Amanda was standing there watching me. I glanced to my right. Jesus was standing in the doorway. I felt protected and I knew that I had nothing to worry about.

I did not know if Katerina would obtain her visa at this time, but it was apparent that I had no reason to be concerned.

During the previous week, I had wondered how Katerina would fit into the pattern of my life. I was not convinced that Katerina would fit into the pattern of my life. I now understood that Katerina was not meant to fit into the pattern of my life, and that those who would fit into the pattern of my life, did not provide the balance which I needed. My time of solitude appeared to be drawing to a close, and it would apparently be Katerina who would take me out of my solitude. I needed someone who would take me out of my solitude, not someone who would fit into my solitude.

I reflected on all of the times that I had been told by psychics about my future, and my future direction. Everything I had experienced fitted in with my psychic readings, which were all very consistent. I only needed to be patient.

I continued to gain new insights.

During that afternoon, I continued to reflect. I sat in the sun and I enjoyed the beauty of life around me. I sat in the garden thinking of my life and my role, and thinking of Katerina.

I was led to a message, some understanding which I had missed. The message was that our opportunities are limitless. Time and again we are presented with circumstances to make a decision to straighten our path, and break the circle.

I considered my options. I contemplated circles and straight paths. I could see that I had the answer which I was seeking. What seemed to be the most difficult path for me, was in fact the easiest path for me, because it was the correct path for me. Regardless of how difficult be together appeared, it was becoming clear that Katerina and I must be together.

Once again, I had been led to the answers which I needed. I continued to sit quietly.

Jesus spoke, "Judas! Judas, have no fear for your time is near!"

I asked, "What time?"

Jesus replied, "The time of teaching."

The remainder of the day was quiet and relaxed. I spoke with Katerina three times. I was flowing again. I had no idea if Katerina would obtain her visa, but I remained confident about our future together.

I attempted to understand exactly what I was feeling. I missed Katerina, but I was not depressed. I missed the balance of my soulmate on the physical plane, but Katerina and I were together on the spirit plane. I felt positive that Katerina and I were together, not negative that Katerina and I were apart.

It was a quiet day, and I was at peace. After dinner I sat for hours talking with Dorothy. We talked about many things, and Dorothy related some sound advice from her father, when she was about to get married. As Dorothy relayed the advice, I knew that I had received the message from our conversation.

The next morning, I slept late and was woken by a telephone call from Katerina, who wanted us to go to Russia immediately if we could not obtain a visa in Paris. However, it would not be possible for me to extend my trip and go to Russia at this time.

The previous day, Dorothy had asked me if I was looking forward to going home, but if Katerina could not come with me I had no reason, other than my children, to look forward to returning home.

On reflection, what I had said was very true. However, I knew that I was meant to be in Australia because of my children, and my financial commitments. Not for the first time I knew that it was important that I was tied to the physical plane, and within the middle of society. What I had achieved needed to come from the middle of society, because all souls needed to know that they could, if they chose, embark on a spiritual journey, as I had done.

I knew that it did not really matter where in the world I was, as long as I had a simple and peaceful environment I would be happy.

I realised that I was considering the future from the perspective of my old world, or maybe this interim new world which I had created, but which I did not fully understand. I longed for a world of peace where I was able to work from home, on my writing. Where I would be led to help those who sought my guidance and where Katerina would be by my side. A simple and peaceful existence, experiencing the joy and peace of the earth plane, free from earth plane pressures. A world which I had been promised. I did not know if I was wrong to long for this world, but right or wrong, I longed for this world. I wanted no more than my simple and peaceful existence helping others to seek the knowledge within, and in so doing fulfilling my destiny.

I knew that what I wanted was not 'too much to ask'. I knew that I very nearly had what I wanted. However, as always with my life, what I wanted was within my grasp, but slightly out of reach. Regardless, everything was, and everything would continue to be, as everything was meant to be.

I knew what I desired to experience, and I was working towards creating the environment which would allow me to experience what I desired to experience. I could do no more than allow myself to create my desired environment.

I enjoyed a quiet and reflective day. I spoke with Katerina twice more, and I continued to reflect on our communication, and Katerina's visa difficulties.

However, it was not an enjoyable night for me. I could not settle, and I could not sleep. I nearly slept, but as I drifted off I heard that old familiar knocking in my head, so I awoke. It was apparent that I was meant to be awake, but I did not know why.

My mind was a mess. I kept wondering what I would return home to, if Katerina was not able to come with me. I also found myself wondering about Katerina, and whether Katerina and I would be right for each other.

I wondered whether I was supposed to be alone, but I knew that I was not supposed to be alone. We are not meant to be alone. We look for love, we must experience love in all of love's forms. We have physical bodies because we need to feel the physical experience of love, not simply sex, but the affection and joy which is physical love on the physical planes. Experiencing love on the physical planes is the only way to truly experience love.

I contemplated much. I realised that my real problem was that I was once again experiencing the unworthiness that was not who I am. I needed to be aware that unworthy is who I am not.

I found myself something to read, which required no thought, but it was light before I slept.

I did realize that my writing, if I looked at my writing solely from the earth plane perspective, could provide sufficient income if I could find a publisher. I sometimes thought that I had done nothing except barely maintain my job, when in fact I had spent very many hours writing. Even from the earth plane perspective, I had worked very hard at writing, and I only needed to be patient if I was to be rewarded.

That I would be 'rewarded' was something which God had foreseen that I would create, not something that God would give me.

I did not know why I had spent nearly 24 hours dwelling on earth plane issues, but I did know that my soul was away again. My soul being away was something which I had experienced many times before, and this time I was very much aware that my soul was away.

As I reflected, it was apparent that most of my increased financial difficulties had been caused by following my spiritual path. If I had not chosen to follow my spiritual path, I could have reduced my financial burden, instead of increasing my financial difficulties significantly.

However, I knew I could not ignore my spiritual path and I could not abandon my journey, because I had tried. I knew that I had made my choice.

I knew that all of the pressures which surrounded me when I allowed the pressures to surround me, and all of the times when I could not see a way out of my difficulties, only to have a way out of my difficulties present itself, were part of the example.

I had stopped relying on the sale of my books, the 'promise' which would remove my pressure and allow me to help others. I knew that the sale of my books would remove the pressure and allow me to help others, and that I needed to keep going until the sale of my books, but I could not rely on the sale of my books to resolve my financial difficulties.

I reflected that I had known, and that I had been told often not to worry about my financial difficulties. Mostly I had been able to avoid worry, but my financial difficulties remained.

I considered Katerina again. Katerina was not the easy option. In fact, Katerina was a very difficult option, but I had been drawn to Katerina and led to Katerina. Like my writing, I could not abandon Katerina, nor could I deny what Katerina was, although I would continue to attempt to deny Katerina's identity. Like my writing and many aspects of my spiritual path, I needed to have faith. I wondered if the difficulties which I was experiencing, were no more than a test of faith.

I knew within myself that it did not matter what I was experiencing. I knew that everything that we experience is an illusion of the earth plane. I knew that regardless of the outcome, I would experience. I did not fear the future, but I did wonder at times what the point was.

I could see that I was being led to provide guidance and to assist people to understand the truth of their existence. I was already doing what I could to help some souls, and as such I was already fulfilling my destiny, despite my limited resources and other difficulties.

After all that had happened, I retained my humanity. I was no different to anybody else, which I knew was important in the terms of my example.

I considered what I had experienced during our time apart. I wanted to be with Katerina. Spiritually I was with Katerina, but physically I missed Katerina. I was not devastated at the prospect that Katerina and I may not be together, because I had for the most part released my negative emotions. I knew that if Katerina was unable to obtain her visa I would feel the experience. I would experience the pain of physical separation, but I would accept that Katerina and I were not meant to be together.

I was not overly worried and there was nothing for me to do but wait. I needed to allow everything to be, and I needed to allow events to transpire as events would transpire. I knew that to allow was my only option. I knew that it was not a time to work at something, it was a time to leave the situation alone. I had attempted to make things happen with no result too often, and I knew that at this point, I need to allow everything to happen.

I spoke with Katerina, which gave me joy. I reflected on our telephone conversation, and I felt that everything would be all right. I knew that everything would be all right, regardless of the outcome of our next meeting.

God said, "Do not worry."

"A different path is the way of the master. You must follow your path, regardless of those around you who cannot see or understand, the path which you follow. You do not judge others, you do not see any as less than you, and you know that any can only see, what they allow themselves to see."

"What am I to do?"

Do nothing, allow everything to be."

I cannot say that I liked God's answer. I never did like such answers but I knew better than to push the point. I wondered about my inconsistency, I wondered why I still became confused.

"Effectively, you have written a diary of a master. Do you think that a diary written by any of the masters would be different? Consider if you removed what you have experienced and felt, from what has been written. You would be left with the truth of existence and others would find this truth. When others doubted, when others became confused, when others felt that their path was too different from those around them, and questioned themselves what would be their point of reference? They need to have your experience to draw upon and to understand that all are the same. The times of internal conflict within all masters are mentioned in what has been written about the masters, but there is no real understanding of the internal conflict which masters experience. There is no day to day account of a master's experiences.

That afternoon, I thought about my concerns, and I realised that every time a concern had raised its head, the concern had been eliminated through explanation and/or experience.