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Searching for My Soul
Book One Searching for My Soul

A Few Tentative Steps.

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I awoke an hour later. I retained my sinus pain, and I was still feeling negative. I sat on the edge of the bed trying to understand what was going on. I knew that nothing that I was concerned about mattered. I realised that the tablets that I had taken could not work because the tablets could not mask a pain which was an illusion. However, the pain certainly felt real.

I thought; ‘You are kidding, how can this be happening to you?’

I suddenly realised that I was experiencing one of the tests which I had been warned about. I bypassed my conscious mind and I felt my soul. I could feel my soulmate and I could feel completion. I knew that the experience was real. I debated whether to work, but I decided to relax for a while first. I had been given some breathing space, and I needed to use the breathing space I had been given.

I knew from experience that my test was far from over, but I also knew that I had won the first round, albeit in a split decision.

I reviewed the previous few weeks. The only times when I had experienced difficulties, was when I stopped flowing, even for a minute. My previous test had been to discover illusions, and my current test was to defeat my conscious mind. I had no concept of what I would be required to endure to win this battle with my conscious mind.

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I did need breathing space, and fate gave me enough time to complete my work and to attend to a few chores around my home.

The purpose of my test was for me to release my conscious mind completely. I no longer needed it, which was an interesting revelation in itself. I could feel my soulmate with me very strongly.

The next morning, my sinus pain had again faded. In fact, my sinus pain only existed when I consciously thought of it.

We have our conscious mind to allow freedom of choice. Without freedom of choice we cannot learn from our experiences, which is the only true learning. One of life’s ironies is that we must learn that we do not need our conscious mind, and we are only able to learn this when we stop making conscious decisions and find the bridge to our soul. The bridge to our soul is over our conscious mind. The reason why our conscious mind fights so hard, is because our conscious mind is fighting for survival.

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I was a homosexual man, in a time when there was only persecution, intolerance and punishment of homosexuals. I do not know what pushed me over the edge in that lifetime and I do not know exactly how old I was, but I had hung myself before I was 30 years old.

I had discovered the second of the lifetimes in which I had hung myself. I had discovered the real cause of the pain in the side of my neck. My lifetime as a homosexual man was the lifetime immediately preceding this lifetime.

I removed a little more of the clutter from the bridge to my soul each day. As I did, I understood a little more about myself and about life.

It may be difficult for us to accept that the bridge to our soul exists. However, when we do accept it, we find that the unresolved matters from previous lifetimes, which reside there, provide the only logical explanation for many aspects of our current lifetime which are real, but do not quite fit our current lifetime. The existence of the bridge to my soul, like everything else that I had been shown, was logical.

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Other than the lifetime when my aunt and I were twins, which I had not been able to date, every other lifetime that I had recalled had occurred after my lifetime as the Native American. So far they all had a constant theme, I had not lived past the age of 30 and I had often taken my own life.

My actions as the Native American when I was consumed by grief, had started a circle, a pattern which had been repeated lifetime after lifetime until this lifetime. Seven years earlier, around the age of 30, the circle had nearly repeated itself again.

When my destiny had been revealed to me on the island, I knew that I would fulfil my destiny, and I knew that if I did not fulfil my destiny in this lifetime, I would continue repeating lifetimes until I did fulfil my destiny. What I did not know on the island was that I had already been repeating lifetimes until I fulfilled my destiny.

I knew that this was an important lifetime. This lifetime is a turning point for all of us. Fulfilling my destiny in this lifetime is more important than it had been when I was the Native American.

I was far from convinced that I could have done anything different than I had done during the lifetimes between the Native American lifetime and this lifetime. I was not convinced that I had been allowed to pass through the barrier which had been preventing me from fulfilling my destiny. I suspected that fate had done all that fate had needed to do, to ensure that I fulfilled my destiny when it was in fate’s best interest that I fulfilled my destiny.

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Throughout my journey I had been shown just enough to keep me going. As soon as I reached a stumbling block and did not know which way to turn, I would be shown where to head next.

Each time that I had been given direction, I had assumed that the phase was the key to the end of the journey. Each time my assumption had been wrong. I wondered how many of my assumptions would need to be proven wrong, before I stopped making assumptions.

In my conscious mind’s fight for survival, it was desperately trying to hang on to my illusionary pain. It was going to be an interesting battle.

I could feel myself starting to be drawn back to the moment when my destiny was revealed, which I believed was on the island. The pull to the point when my destiny was revealed was faint, but I knew that I would return to the moment when my destiny was revealed. I did not know why, I did not know when, I did not know how but I knew that if I did need to return to the point when my destiny was revealed, I would, and that was all that mattered.

I suspected that I might find the real cause of my back pain on the bridge to my soul, but I had not found it so far.

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I was also beginning to understand ‘why me’ in this particular lifetime, a little better. An ordinary man was only part of the description. I was in fact an ordinary middle class man. This is relevant, because the so called middle class have the hardest road.

The middle class want to think that they are ‘better’ than the working class because it makes them feel successful in the artificial world, but the middle class are jealous and envious of the wealthy, because they are reminded that they are not as successful as they would like to think that they are. It was said that it was harder for a rich man to find the correct path, but it is hardest for the middle class to find the correct path. The middle class have to learn lessons from both sides.

That day my conscious mind was using all three of the major illusions that I had discovered on the bridge to my soul as ammunition, but I was able to deflect the illusions because I knew that they were not real.

I was being tested all the time, usually by ‘little things’ which remained little, because I did not make them big. However, there were too many of these ‘little things’ for them to be anything other than a part of my current test.

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My conscious mind was trying hard to convince me that everything that had occurred had been a delusion, but I knew that the experience was a part of my test. I knew that I needed to defeat my conscious mind for once and for all.

I could not take my conscious mind across the bridge to my soul. I could not cross the bridge until I had released my conscious mind. The purity on the other side of the bridge to our soul must not, and cannot be contaminated.

When we must cross the bridge to our soul between lifetimes all unresolved matters are left on the bridge to our soul, so that our unresolved matters will not contaminate the purity on the other side of the bridge to our soul. This is why our unresolved matters are found on the bridge to our soul.

The bridge ‘security’ is intense and when we attempt to cross the bridge to our soul during a lifetime, we must remove all that we have left on the bridge to our soul from previous lifetimes. We are searched every step of the way and forced to discard anything that we are carrying, before we can take the next step.

Our soul is a wonderful place, our soul is a magical place, but we do not know exactly where our soul is. Our soul is hidden from us because if we stumbled upon our soul by accident, we would contaminate the purity of the love and beauty which exists within our soul.

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Heaven exists, but we cannot find heaven because we are not looking in the right direction. Heaven exists within a dimension that we only vaguely know exists and we cannot find. Heaven is the higher plane. The only way we can experience what exists on the higher plane is to reach it.

Imagine that your favourite toy is placed on the top shelf when you were very young. As you grow, you can vaguely remember that your favourite toy is on that shelf, but as time passes you begin to doubt that your favourite toy is on the shelf.

You cannot see on to the top shelf and you cannot reach the top shelf. In time, you stop trying to reach the top shelf, and you begin to forget that your favourite toy is on the top shelf until it has gone from your mind completely.

As you grow, every time that you pass that shelf, you experience a vague feeling that there is ‘something’ on the top shelf which brings back fond feelings, but you cannot recall what that ‘something’ is.

You think of your favourite toy from time to time, and you recall your favourite toy with fondness, but you cannot remember what happened to it. You may even look for your favourite toy from time to time, but you cannot find it. Despite your good feeling whenever you pass the shelf, you do not associate the two feelings of fondness, even though the feelings of fondness are from the same source.

When you grow up and you are able to climb to the top shelf, you find your favourite toy there, and the wonderful memories which you had of that toy come flooding back. You suddenly realise that you had known where your favourite toy was all the time.

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It was apparent that I had been given the previous afternoon to work and rest in preparation for more learning.

If we want to understand the karma of each lifetime, we must look at the lifetime before. Two examples of this relate to communities.

Many of the African American community live their lives of little hope in the slums of various American cities. They struggle to break out of their hopeless existence, many enduring short, violent lives on the streets they cannot seem to break away from. These are the same souls, learning what it is like to be a victim, who in their previous lifetime persecuted African Americans in their battle for equality. The circle that exists will not be broken until the next lifetime when the karmic debt will have been largely repaid.

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Another example is the homosexual community, which seems to have increased in this lifetime. They are the very souls who were the puritans in the previous lifetime persecuting people for being homosexual. In this lifetime they had firstly to learn that some of the souls we love may come back as the same sex as ourselves. These souls need to learn that love between two people is not evil because of gender. Love is the most important emotion and must be shared.

However, moral values are more realistic and healthy during this lifetime, and these souls needed to learn about persecution and suffering and being separated from those they love through the spread of aids within the homosexual community. When the karmic debt is repaid, a cure for aids will be found.

Souls do not have gender. Souls are usually given opposite genders to enable new bodies to be created for souls to occupy, and because souls need to learn both the male and female perspective of their character. Sometimes souls are given the same gender because souls must learn that the vessel is not important, only the soul is important.

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If we pour the contents of a tall slim glass into a short fat glass, is it the contents that have changed or the container? If we pour out the pleasant tasting contents of a tall slim glass and replace it with a bitter tasting drink, what had changed?

The tall slim glass may feel better to hold, the tall slim glass may be aesthetically more pleasing, but all that is really important is the contents.

There are many examples of karmic lifetime debt throughout our existence, we only have to study history to see the pattern.

Souls who do not learn will spend lifetimes alternating between being the persecuted and the persecutor. It is the lesson of understanding and compassion which souls learn as the persecuted that they must carry into the next lifetime as the persecutor. If souls do not learn this lesson, they will be persecuted again. It is through the karmic lifetime cycle that we ‘reap what we sow’.

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As I slowly took another step across the bridge to my soul, I encountered more unresolved matters that I had left there from previous lifetimes. I saw how they impacted on my current lifetime.

I needed to learn that ending our life prematurely is wrong, I had terminated my lifetimes prematurely on many occasions.

It is sometime in the 1930’s. A woman is brutally raped. At that time, the victim of rape was considered partly if not wholly to blame. The woman lost her reputation and she could not live with the shame of being a victim. The woman could not understand why her friends no longer wanted to talk to her. The woman felt alone, lost and humiliated. The woman opened the closet door, reached up to the top shelf and took down the hand gun which was kept there. The woman went to her room. She sat on the edge of her bed, looking at the stars out of her window.

The woman glanced in the mirror, tears filled her eyes. She uttered a single word, “Why?”. The woman placed the gun barrel in her mouth, and pulled the trigger.

The woman’s spirit left her body. It hovered in her room for a short time. The woman’s spirit left her room, and went to the spirit plane to rest before her next lifetime.

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When I left my lifetime as a soldier, I took with me bitterness. Bitterness against women because it was men who fought and died in wars. In my next lifetime I was a woman. I needed to learn that women also suffered.

I left my lifetime as a woman believing it was only women who suffered the indignity of being persecuted for being a victim. I thought that men had it easy, I had gone completely the other way.

My next lifetime was the one as a homosexual man. I needed to learn that men could also be persecuted and lose their reputation, even if they did nothing wrong. I recalled what had happened to me in that lifetime.

I was separated from my lover and jailed, ‘guilty’ of being homosexual. In jail I learned that my lover had been killed. I also learned that men could be brutally raped. I hung myself in jail.

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Finding these pieces of lifetimes left on the bridge to my soul taught me much about myself. For example, in this lifetime there had been many occasions when I had thought that I was glad that I did not have a gun. Killing myself would have been too easy, and on a number of occasions I could ‘taste’ the barrel of a gun in my mouth. I now understood why. Another of the mysteries of my current lifetime was explained.

I dealt with these issues and I took another tentative step across the bridge to my soul. I did not know what else I would find. I took another step, and I began to recognise some people from this lifetime who had also been in my previous lifetimes.

Rose had been my homosexual partner in my previous lifetime, and we had been separated before we had finished learning together. The problems which we had faced in our previous lifetime had caused many of our problems in this lifetime.

Anne had been my rapist.

Bill, a man with whom I worked and have never been able to take to, had been the soldier who had taken my life.

A few months earlier I had wondered what people would think of what I had experienced. I did not want to think about what people would make of this lot. It did not matter anyway.

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It had been the dark side of Anne, the rapist, that had touched my dark side and made me want to hurt her. This was what had frightened me so much. I had wanted to hurt Anne because of what she had done to me in that previous lifetime.

These people were not in my current lifetime by accident. These people were in my current lifetime so that I could learn and remember lessons. I needed to close my karmic circles before I could fulfil my destiny.

Being in my life had given Anne the opportunity to repay her karmic debt to me. She had allowed me to lean on her when I could not stand on my own. She was in my life by design not by accident. That Anne allowed me to lean on her had been her decision. Anne’s decision had given her an opportunity to leave the dark path. If she had turned her back on me, she would have continued on the dark path.

Anne had chosen to help me, and as a result she now had the opportunity to leave the dark path with my guidance. She had been ‘rewarded’, but it was her choice whether she took the opportunity, or remained on the dark path.

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Later that night I was a little down. I had no reason to be a little down. I had been on a cruise and I had a great time. I had seen people whom I had not seen for years, in one case nearly twenty years. I had been free from much of the pain of past lifetimes, and I was very relaxed.

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