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Searching for My Soul
Book One Searching for My Soul
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I tried to eat and I tried to sleep. I could do neither. I knew I should not be alone. I would see Graeme the following day. I needed to survive until then. I went to Anne's, who listened while I talked my problems out, which was enough to keep me going, for one more day.

I was a little better when I returned home that night, but I was not sure if I was going insane, or if a straw had broken the camel's back.

I spent most of the night reading, and re-reading the insights that I had gained, anything to survive the night. My conscious mind was battling with my soul, and my conscious mind was winning. I was starting to accept that all that I had experienced was some sort of delusion, and that I was going insane. I was ready to give up, not only on my transition, but also on my life. I knew deep down that I needed to keep going, and that is why I did keep going, but my deep inner knowing was the only reason that I did keep going. I kept telling myself that the experience was a test, and that I needed to pass the test, which was true, but the test was not an easy test.

I had always believed that I could handle anything that life threw at me, but I was unable to handle anything at all, and I did not know why. I knew within my soul, that I needed to be patient and allow fate to run its course. I had known that I needed to allow fate to run its course for the last seven years, which is when I had really began searching for my soul.

Knowing that the experience was a test which I needed to pass did not make it any easier for me to live through the experience, the test, or the night.

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I spent an hour with Graeme the next morning. I just talked, getting things off my chest, which did me good. I had given him my first book of insight before I went to the island, but I had not sought any feedback, until now. He told me he had read my insights twice and he genuinely believed that my insights were worthwhile, which was exactly the encouragement that I needed to continue.

I attended my office. I did what was necessary, but no more. I told my business partners that I needed to undergo some tests which I did, but not in the way in which I led my business partners to believe, and that I needed some time to 'sort myself out'.

I was punishing myself unnecessarily for not being strong enough to handle what was happening to me. I was being asked to turn my back, and walk away from nearly everything that had been important to me. It was the hardest thing I had been asked to do in my life.

I had worked a lifetime to obtain what I had, and I had worked hard. Walking away from what I had wanted and worked towards all my life, shortly after I had attained or nearly attained what I had wanted and worked towards all my life was not that simple.

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The following morning I spent another two hours with Graeme. The first three quarters of the session was extremely difficult. I was consumed by having my world ripped away from me, and I could not see passed that event. I could not understand why my world had been ripped away from me. I was trying to understand what I had done wrong. We took a break, and during those five minutes I knew that I needed to tell Graeme what had really been happening to me. I had been holding my experiences back, pretending that my experiences had not happened, because I was terrified that he would confirm that I was going insane.

I told Graeme nearly everything. I explained what I had learned about life when I was on the island, and later when I travelled to the south coast. I described my psychic experiences. I revealed my glimpses of the future, and what my future had in store. I laid it all on the line, and sat there waiting for him to tell me about the intense therapy that I was going to need to recover from my delusional state.

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Graeme looked at me and said, "My boy, you have a gift from God. You have to stop fighting your gift, and you have to develop your gift."

Graeme confirmed what I knew. I had stopped believing in myself. Believing in myself again would not be simple. However, Graeme believed in me, and that was a good start.

Both Graeme and I realised that Anne had saved my life. I still needed Anne. I visited her that night, and gave her a copy of all of the insights I had gained up to that point.

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I began following a pattern which continued for a few weeks. I would attend the office, do what needed to be done, and when I could not remain at the office any longer, I would leave. I did what I could, I was brutally and unnecessarily honest about what was going on within the business, and I avoided nearly everyone. I could not handle people at all. I did not like the experience, but my fear of being given 'people problems' to deal with was almost physical. I was scared that if I had to take on other people's problems, I would break.

Regaining and maintaining my belief in myself would be a real test, but I did not appreciate exactly what it would entail. I understood that even though the result of losing my belief in myself had been agony, losing my belief in myself had been necessary. My belief in myself had been built on a poor foundation, and my belief in myself needed to be rebuilt on a solid foundation which could weather any storm, and not collapse.

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I battled my self doubts, and I used my insights to defeat my doubts. I needed to face each self doubt, battle each self doubt, and defeat each self doubt, before I could move on, usually to face and defeat another self doubt. I had to face my self doubts, one by one, and leave my self doubts behind me with each victory. I was rewarded with a short period of peace each time that I defeated a self doubt.

I spent most of my time alone, and I did not like my solitude. There were many times when I was happy to be by myself, but there were other times when I felt very lonely. I attempted to spend time with friends. Time and time again I made plans, and time and time again my plans fell through for one reason or another. I was meant to face my self doubts alone.

I was doing a lot of things right and I was trying, although not too hard, to accept that everything was as everything was, and that there was nothing I could do about my situation. Sometimes I was happy with my approach, and sometimes I despaired.

Spending so much time alone was providing me with an environment to reflect. I saw that much of what I had experienced during the previous few months had been absolutely necessary.

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My problem was that even when I did believe, I did not live my belief.

I needed to relax, and I needed to have some fun. I needed to do something other than continually battle doubts, and face demons. However, fate had other ideas, and I needed to continue the process. Nothing that I tried to do otherwise, worked.

I continued to gain insights. Gaining insights was easy when I remained on my correct path, but difficult when I strayed from my correct path.

I knew beyond any doubt that the events of earlier that year had occurred to push me onto my correct path. There was nothing I could have done differently, because I was destined to pushed onto my correct path.

I reflected on all the times when I had known what was to be in my life. Time and time again I had known that something was going to occur, and time and time again what I had known would occur, had occurred. What I had known would occur, had occurred even when I was heading in a totally different direction. What I known would occur, had occurred regardless of what adversity had been placed in my way. What I known would occur, had occurred when nobody believed that it would occur. What I known would occur, had occurred even when I could not see how it would occur.

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There were many events in my life that I had known would occur, years before they did occur. As far as I was able to determine, the longest period between me knowing something would occur, and the event occurring was around ten years. Even when I had not been heading towards what was going to occur, even when I could not see how it would occur, and even when everything in my life had been against it occurring, I had not despaired, I had not pushed, and I had not worried. It was not that I believed. I did not need to believe, I knew.

I was using my past experience with knowing my future as ammunition in my battle with my conscious mind. However, whenever I had attempted to envision how something would occur, I had always gotten the details wrong. The reality of my own past, which my conscious mind could not dispute, helped me, but not as much as I believed it should have.

If I had read my notes whilst I was experiencing my battles, I would have seen what had occurred clearly. I had attempted to read my notes on numerous occasions, but every time that I attempted to read my notes I became depressed and I could not read them. I was not allowed to read my notes, until it was time for me to see the truth. I had to go through a re-learning process first, and there was nothing that I could do, nor was there anything that I was allowed to do, to stop my re-learning process.

I knew at the time that I had nothing to worry about. I knew that I only needed to believe, and I knew that I needed to live my belief. I knew that the answer was that simple, and that difficult.

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On many occasions when I reviewed my notes, years after I had written them, I wanted to change the terminology of much that I had written during this early part of my journey, but I knew that I could not alter my notes. What I wrote at any given time, reflected my understanding at that time, and I knew that without this reflection of my understanding, my story would not be complete. My understanding increased as my awareness grew, and I knew that it was important that my story reflected my growing awareness.

At this time, my days were pretty much the same, battles and rewards. Over and over, day after day. Mostly I was alone. My mood swings concerned me, but whenever I attempted to do something about my mood swings, or my solitude, my despair became worse. I knew that I needed to keep learning, until living with my soul became natural.

Every time that I was down, every time that I was lonely, every time that I hurt, I wanted someone to hold me, and tell me that everything would be all right. However, I did not want someone, I wanted Marie to hold me, and tell me that everything would be all right. I knew this was not going to happen, which made whatever I was experiencing worse. My instinct was keeping me away from Marie, and I was listening to my instinct, even though my instinct was in exact opposition to what I wanted to do.

One thing that I did learn, was how many self doubts I did have. I was facing self doubts which I did not know existed. Whenever I thought that I had beaten all of my self doubts, another one would arise, often from a totally unexpected direction. Some of the battles with my self doubts lasted for days.

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I would start some days very focused and clear, and I would set off to do something positive, only to find myself drifting aimlessly and feeling lost. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I could not end the process. I was becoming fed up with my journey. I desperately wanted it to end, and I did not really care how it ended.

Whenever I needed peace and clarity I went back to my beach. I usually found both peace and clarity at my beach, and I was continuing to gain insights.

My destiny was my destiny. It did not matter how much I worried about my destiny, or how much I attempted to manipulate my destiny, everything was going to happen as everything was meant to happen. I knew that I needed to stop worrying and allow my destiny to unfold. I knew I needed to flow with my destiny, but I did not flow with my destiny.

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One day both Sally and Anne had problems in their lives and turned to me. I was not glad that they had problems, but I was glad that they came to me for support. It made me feel that I was giving them something in return for their ongoing support of me.

Both Anne and I needed to rebuild our lives, and it was no coincidence that we had been drawn into each other's lives at that time. I knew that we would help each other, and then we would both move on, when our purpose in each other's lives was fulfilled.

This was also a test for me. I found Anne attractive, and it would have been easy to drift into a relationship with Anne. Mostly because I was lonely, and Anne was attractive, and we communicated easily. Even though I was starting to care about Anne deeply, I knew we were not meant to be. If I allowed our relationship to be anything more than our relationship was, we would both be hurt. I was not prepared to pay that price. At this time I made Anne a promise. A promise for the future, and I kept that promise.

Another coincidence which was not a coincidence, was that Sally's life had been in turmoil throughout my journey as well. We needed each other, and were always available for each other. As Sally's role in my destiny was becoming more apparent, I came to see that both our lives being in turmoil was not coincidence, but necessary which did not make the turmoil in our lives easier, for either of us.

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The focus of my battle switched from my self doubts to learning what was really important in life. Things which had been important to me for a lifetime, were no longer important to me, but I would not let go of the things which had been important to me easily. I had worked hard for the things which had been important to me, and I was not going to give them up without a battle. In reality, I had nothing to give up, because the things which had been important to me for a lifetime, were not important, but I thought that they were important. I needed to learn one by one that the things which had been important to me for a lifetime, were not important.

It was as if the battle ground in my little war had moved further up the hill. It was as if I was reclaiming some more ground with each battle that I won, but there always seemed to be more ground to reclaim. At times, I despaired that the war within me would never end.

I only spoke to people when I had something to say. If I did not have something to say, I said nothing. I had always been inclined not to speak unless I had something to say, but I was becoming extreme. I was feeling very frustrated about all of the people who I had reached out to when they had needed support, and who were not there for me now, but they were not meant to be there for me. I had all the support and guidance that I needed for my battle, but I could not see this at the time.

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The next phase of my journey was a daily lesson in what mattered and what did not matter. I knew that a lot of people around me were frustrated with me, and concerned for me. I did not like the effect that I has having on other people which did not sit well with me at all. I needed to learn that not living up to the expectations of others did not matter. My reluctance to learn had ensured that the lesson would be hard and extreme. Whatever it took, to get through to me. Sometimes when I was particularly stubborn, and refused to learn, fate would effectively hit me across the head with a heavy object to try and knock some sense into me.

It fact, there were many times when I did not seem to have a clue what was happening, but I was doing the best that I could to survive the experience. At times I did not think that what I was doing was good enough, or would ever be good enough.

As was the case when I was battling my self doubts, each time I learnt that something did not matter, I would take a step forward, have a brief period of respite, and gain some more insights.

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During one of these periods of reflection, I remembered all of the times in my life when I had been accused of looking at the world through rose coloured glasses, of being idealistic, of over-simplifying life. I knew that I had been right all along, life really is simple. It was a shame, that we did so many things to complicate life.

For a short time, I was back on track, and the beauty of the world was starting to open up to me again. Unfortunately, I did not remain on track very long. I soon found a way to stray from my path. If nothing else, I was proving consistent. I was making my journey harder, because every time that I was getting somewhere, I would shoot myself in the foot.

I could not understand why I allowed events, past and present, to concern me when I knew that the events should not concern me. I knew that my remaining fears, doubts and insecurities, were the deep fears, doubts and insecurities which had been with me for a lifetime, and sometimes longer. I knew that I was not going to conquer my remaining fears, doubts and insecurities easily, and I was being too hard on myself expecting my remaining battles to be easy.

At the office, I was setting myself a task to complete each day, and I was completing my task each day. At the office, I was achieving a lot in a short period of time, because I was very focused, and I did not allow myself to be distracted. The problem was that although my conscience was clear, because I was completing my tasks, I could not see any of the good things that were happening within the business. I could see only the bad things that were happening within the business, and I wanted to fix the problems which I saw as unfixable. I kept to myself, and I did not attend the office anywhere near enough to satisfy my business partners. I was trying to force my business partners not to need me. I could not allow them to need me, and I was not being very diplomatic. I did not see that I was trying to force my business partners to face things, which they were not ready to face.

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I was still going in circles. I felt that it was time for another perspective, so I telephoned Trish who is a psychic, as well as my Tarot reader. I asked her how she dealt with knowing things that were going to happen, and not being able to do anything, but wait for whatever it was to happen. She told me that I needed to learn how to put what I knew was going to happen out of my mind, which sounded pretty simple. Only putting what I knew was going to happen out of my mind, did not feel simple.

I was spending as little time as possible in the office, which concerned me greatly. I felt that I was running away, but I knew that I was not running away. I was attempting to deal with changing the priorities that had been with me for a lifetime.

One of the biggest difficulties which I was facing, was that nothing had changed in my life. Absolutely nothing had changed in my life, except me. I no longer fitted within my own life.

I saw the analogy of losing weight. I had reached a point were my old clothes no longer fitted, but I did not fit into my new clothes either. I knew that I needed to make do with the old, until I fitted into the new.

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I again found myself reviewing my life, understanding the patterns within my life, understanding that mostly I'd had the strength of character, to do what I believed was right, not what was easy. One of the major problems I'd had in my life, was that I had difficulty accepting the situation when I was not able to do what I knew was right. I was effectively turning a strength into a weakness.

I still believed I was on my correct path, but I wanted my journey to end. I was finding the going very difficult. I realised that I was addressing the symptoms of my remaining doubts, fears, and insecurities, and even though I was a step closer with each symptom that I addressed, it was time for me to get closer to the real causes of my remaining doubts, fears, and insecurities.

I reached a point, after I had done a lot of self confirmation and reaffirmation, that I realised that I had finally found myself. I knew that the only way that I could let my true self out, was to take myself to pieces, and rebuild myself, piece by piece.

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