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Searching for My Soul

Book One Searching for My Soul


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I gained a lot of insights that day, so I knew that I was on my correct path. I thought that the month which I had been given was going to be just enough time for everything to fall into place, and for all would be well in my life.

I spent that afternoon with Anne, we were relaxed and becoming closer all the time. It was becoming clear that there was a possibility of a relationship developing between Anne and myself. However, my feelings for Marie were in the way. Anne could feel me looking into her soul, which she was not comfortable with at all. I knew that my ability to look at people's souls, made some people uncomfortable.

I was starting to relax, although I continued to fight my various battles. The difference was that I could feel myself starting to re-awaken. My inner light was becoming brighter again.

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My journey was not over. I had a strong feeling that there was something that needed to occur. I wasted a lot of time attempting to determine what the 'something' was, without any success. I knew that I would know what the 'something' was, when I was ready to know what the 'something' was, but my knowledge did not satisfy me.

During this period I felt good most of the time. I was still a little sad and a little lonely, but I took comfort from the beauty of the world. I felt that I was putting myself back together correctly. I knew that I still had some work to do, but I thought the process was nearing an end.

I was beginning to see Anne's purpose in my life. I was able to be my true self with Anne, and we were enjoying each other's company. Anne was at a turning point in her life, and it was obvious that I was in Anne's life to provide her with guidance. I knew that we would be in each other's lives for a short time, and when we had both fulfilled our purpose, we would both move on. I was scared of hurting Anne.

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I had no idea of how to deal with my awareness of what was to be, but I knew that it was something that I needed to learn. I knew that Anne and I were meant to be together at this time, but I knew that we were not meant to be together long term, and I did not know how to deal with this knowledge.

It was proving to be a time of clarity and understanding. I often saw through people's facades to their true character. The problem which this caused, was that I often overlooked that people mostly act in accordance with their façade, because people seldom consciously see their true character. I was also given some more understanding of life.

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There will be another fifteen lifetimes before our time limit has expired, this lifetime is the focal point. This is the lifetime when the number of teachers amongst us will increase dramatically. We are now ready to learn, and this lifetime is the turning point in our existence.

Fifteen lifetimes did not seem like much time to me, but when I thought about fifteen lifetimes, I realised that fifteen lifetimes was more than a millennium.

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During this period of clarity I spoke with Rose, who was being very supportive, for hours about our life together, and the things which we had both learned. Our frank and honest discussion did us both good.

My house in the mountains, which I had been attempting to sell for months, also sold at this time. It certainly seemed that everything was falling into place.

I conveniently forgot a warning that I had received from Trish, that everything would start to fall into place, but then there would be more delays. Nor did I have any concept that the pattern of progress followed by delays would be repeated many times before my journey was complete.

I continued to worry about things that I should not worry about. I understood that I needed to lose nearly everything that mattered to me, because it was the things that mattered to me, which were blocking my soul and preventing me from knowing what I needed to know. I was wrong, I needed to lose everything that mattered to me, not nearly everything.

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So much seemed to be happening at once that my head was spinning. I saw how the processes which I had to endure, merged into each other. It was difficult to draw the line between when one process finished, and the next process began. I understood that everything that I had experienced, had been absolutely necessary, and that I had not completed all of the processes that I needed to complete, yet. I knew that I still needed to find some things which were hidden within my soul.

I had another consultation with Susan. It was an interesting process of exploring, and discovering what remained hidden within my soul. Susan wanted to do things her way. However, I knew I that needed to do things my way, but with Susan's help, which is what we did. Having identified some issues which remained hidden within my soul, I needed to deal with them alone.

During our consultation, Susan had asked me to 'sum up in one sentence how I was going to approach the rest of my life'. I did not think about the question or my answer. I answered her and then stopped and thought about what I had said. "Believe in myself, trust my instinct, and live with my soul." It was an answer which had come from deep within me. It was also exactly what I did do.

I spent my time mostly by myself dealing with and removing past problems hidden deep within my soul. I did talk with Rose, Sally, Anne and Rodney from time to time, and I was also able to spend time with Anne and Rose on occasion. I was relaxed and happy. I was continuing to gain insights, so I was on my correct path.

Nevertheless, I continued to allow issues to concern me which I knew should not concern me. I did recognise what I was experiencing, which was progress. Mostly it was a time of release. I was releasing things from within my soul which did not belong there.

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My underlying confidence had returned. I needed to continue to remove the barriers to living with my soul, and really start living with my soul. I would soon go away again. I needed the solitude, peace and power of the beach.

I needed to find myself again. I could not continue to allow myself to become lost in the artificial world, which I once saw as reality. I decided to allow fate to decide when I would go away, I needed to flow with my path and my experiences again.

During the next few days, I spent a lot of time with Anne. It was good to have somebody to talk with. I had kept my promise to Anne, which was to be honest. Anne was supportive and instinctively asked questions, which I needed to answer for myself.

I continued the process of finding pain from my lifetime, and cleansing my soul. Some of the pain that I was finding within my soul went back to my childhood, and had long since been forgotten by my conscious mind.

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Everything was happening as I knew that everything would happen. I continued to attempt to add the detail to what I knew would occur, but the detail I added was always wrong. I needed to trust my instinct to lead me to fulfil my destiny. I needed to maintain my belief in myself. I needed to allow destiny to run its course, and to discontinue my attempts to force destiny to move at my pace.

I found myself reflecting on all of the songs, movies and books which had touched my soul throughout my life. I saw that the things which had touched my soul, had a constant pattern to them. I realised that I had known myself all of my life, but I had not been aware of myself.

I had to do some work during this time to tie up some loose ends, mostly because of the consulting contract which I retained at this point. I had agreed to have lunch with my senior business partner once a week to discuss the various problems within the business, and to monitor my progress, and that of the business.

I still had difficult moments. There were times when I felt sad and lonely, and I could not understand why I did not give up. I seemed to either be alone, or spending time with Anne, but we both knew there would never be a relationship between us. We would not be any more than we were. However, I could sense that Anne's feelings for me were growing which worried me because I did not want to see Anne hurt.

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I was relaxed, and for the most part I was enjoying life. I was living moment to moment, and letting what was going to happen, happen.

One day Nancy telephoned. She told me that she had heard that I was 'off the rails and broke'. This judgement neither surprised me, nor concerned me. I had known on the island that such judgement would occur.

I was seldom depressed during this period. My underlying confidence was strong, and I believed without doubt that all would be well in my life. Most of the time I could feel my inner strength radiating from within. I felt incredibly strong, and I felt that I could do anything.

I began a new process, all that I had endured to cleanse my soul from a personal perspective, was beginning to repeat itself from a business perspective. Again I was discovering issues buried deep inside of me which I had forgotten, and again I was releasing those long forgotten issues from deep within my soul.

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I could see clearly how events had come together, to force me to make changes in my career, to ensure that I was where I needed to be at each stage of my journey. My direction was clear, and I saw how each step had been necessary.

One of the major areas of conflict that I had experienced throughout my career, was that I could see things clearly which many others could not see. My ability to see things clearly, had been a source of major frustration with me. I had always attempted to do what I had believed to be the 'right' thing. I could seldom recall taking a soft option. I had never been able to cope very well when I was forced to compromise my principles.

In hindsight, I can see that my spiritual abilities were apparent throughout my life. I did use them positively most of the time, even though I did not consciously recognise them for what they were.

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I lived each day as I was guided to live each day by my instinct. I was happy, and I was enjoying life. The only times when I was not happy, was when I was attempting to live in the past, or in the future.

The call of solitude was becoming stronger each day. I knew that it would soon be time for me to spend time at the beach by myself.

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One night when I was alone, I left my body and watched myself. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, and I was at peace. It was the first time I was aware of my soul leaving my body. I was to find in the coming months that I would be given a taste of many experiences, without fully developing any of the abilities that I experienced.

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I continued to review and learn about Tarot cards. I could see where I was going wrong, and where I was getting it right and why. I seemed to be slowly learning.

One day I realised that I had all but stopped receiving insights. I had a strong feeling that my life had just been put on 'hold'.

I knew that the current phase of my journey needed to be completed before I could move on. I knew that I needed to continue to release things which were effectively trapped within my soul. There were too many distractions at home, and I needed the clarity of solitude.

Once again, I began to wonder if everything that I had experienced, was in my imagination. However, I could not deny that what was happening, was happening. Whenever my spirit guides confirmed something, or told me that something would happen, it happened, there was no denying that. However, there were times when I wanted my spirit guides to confirm, or deny something, but my spirit guides remained silent. On other occasions, my spirit guides confirmed something without warning, which was another experience that I did not like at all.

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I wanted to start working on this book. I was impatient to see my journey come to an end, but I could not turn my notes into a book. Every time that I tried something stopped me.

I began a process of confirmation. It seemed that everywhere I turned, I was given confirmation of my experiences in one form or another. I knew the process of confirmation would continue, until I finally accepted what was happening, and stopped questioning my experiences.

I remained at peace. Everything from the beauty of the world, to the music that I was listening to was reaching my soul. I had known for several months that all would be well in my life by Christmas, and I had not deviated from that knowledge, but Christmas was still four months away, and I did not want my journey to take that long.

I found myself drawn to the reality of soulmates reuniting. I still believed that I had found my soulmate in Marie. I did not like not having Marie in my life. I had come to rely on her during the previous two years, and I still missed her.

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I was becoming confused, something always seemed to be blocking me. I did not know if I was following my instinct, or if I was being impatient. I started to become depressed again.

I saw Susan for the final time. She still wanted to do things her way, and I still wanted to do things my way. Our final consultation became an environment where Susan tested my beliefs. She continually questioned my beliefs, and I defended my beliefs over and over again. Not once did I deviate from my beliefs, or question what I now believed.

I spent some time with Rose and my boys before driving to the mountains to sign the papers and say 'goodbye' to my house. I called into my house for the first time in several months. I knew I had made the right decision, my house did not feel like home any more.

It had been a year of endings for me. Much of my life had come to an end, and the rest of my life seemed to be in the process of ending. It was apparent that I needed to complete the previous phase of my life, before it was time to begin the next phase of my life. I felt that I was in between lives. However, I had found my soul, and what I had gained was far more valuable than what I had lost.

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What I did not know, was how long I would remain 'between lives'. As my journey progressed I realised that this knowledge told me exactly what I would experience for much my journey, I would exist between lives.

It was time to go to the beach. I arranged to see Anne on my way. After attending to a few loose ends, it was time to return to solitude. Everything still seemed to be falling into place, although I knew I had a lot of thinking to do. I was starting to feel that I was living in a vacuum.

I was not living with my soul. I was starting to worry about things which did not matter. In fact, I was seeking to know what was happening in my old world so that I could worry about it.

I spent a quiet afternoon and evening in my room overlooking the beach and reflected. I studied my astrological and numerological profiles in an attempt to understand some aspects of my character, which I was having difficulty reconciling.

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Even though I had been dealing with issues from my past, I had lost focus and I was becoming lazy. I needed re-focus, but when I did I re-focused on an incorrect path, which led me into a deep chasm. It was only after I found my way out the chasm, that I could look back over the path that I had travelled, and see what had happened. I certainly did not see what was happening at the time.

The only thing that I was not worrying about was my books. My books were the most important aspect of my experience, but I was not concerned. I knew that my books would be published. I saw my future as an author, and I had lost sight of the fact that my books were incidental to my destiny, as a teacher.

I walked for hours along the beach, and I began to receive insights again. I needed to see the clairvoyant, and speak with my spirit guides. I knew that if I was right, the clairvoyant would be able to see me the next day, before I returned home. She could.

I could feel my inner light brightening which indicated that I was on my correct path. I would begin to lose my inner light whenever I strayed from my path. During the next few months, the path which I was travelling would cross my correct path on a number of occasions, and I would feel my inner light, but each time I would continue on the path that I had chosen to follow, instead of rejoining my correct path.

I had some outstanding business matters to address. I needed to travel to Melbourne for my consultancy contract, which would give me an opportunity to catch up with Sally.

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One of the mistakes that I continued to make was to seek advice from people who followed my old values. In many ways, I continued to seek the approval of others. My need for approval was in my astrological profile. 'I sought approval from others, but I would follow my own path regardless of whether I received that approval or not.' It would take me many months to learn not to seek the approval of others.

I had lost my way, but knowing that I had lost my way did not mean that finding my correct path again was going to be easy. At the time I thought that having recognised that I had lost my way, meant that finding my correct path again would be easy.

I remembered the inner peace which I had found on the island, and at other times. I desperately wanted my inner peace to return. My inner peace would return, and would become permanent. However, regaining my inner peace would be hard work.

I thought that as soon as I removed the barriers to living with my soul, I could start living with my soul. However, I needed to start living with my soul first. It was when I began living with my soul, that the barriers to living with my soul would be removed.

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I started planning the books that I would write and I effectively took one long stride down a parallel path. I convinced myself that I would be an author, and I believed that planning future books was positive, which it would have been if I was meant to be an author.

I was a little apprehensive when I went to the clairvoyant for my meeting with spirits. I had expected to talk with the same group of spirit guides I had talked with previously, but I did not. I spoke with a different group of spirits who were with me at the time.

A Native American seemed to be a key player. He was my friend and he told me about a previous lifetime which I had shared with him. In the future, I would come to know this friend as the master Sitting Crow.

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We left our village to find food, but we had left our village unprotected. While we were away our village was raided. When we returned to the village, my family had been slaughtered, because we did not protect our homes and our plans did not have balance. I had felt that I had lost everything, and I had thrown myself off a cliff.

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As my journey in this lifetime continued, I would recognise many souls who had played a part in that Native American lifetime. I was to discover two significant lifetimes when this same group of souls had been drawn together. This group of souls are around me now, once more drawn together to share the experiences of an overlapping destiny.

Sitting Crow said that I needed to learn from that previous lifetime. He told me that this time I needed balance, but I would not starve, I would not leap off a cliff, and I would not die.

My old friend told me that I had reached a barrier and paused. He explained that I had become lost, and that I needed courage, patience and persistence. Sitting Crow told me to have faith in myself, and to look up to the heavens, not down as I had been doing. He compared me to Christopher Columbus, and he said I was scared of falling off the edge of the world, but that I need not worry because the world was not really flat.

Sitting Crow told me to flow with the changes in my life. He said that I should not give up hope. He compared my journey to that of a sailing ship which had run out of food, and the passengers were giving up hope, but the passengers did not know that there was land just over the horizon.

He compared me to the sea. He told me that I needed to look deeper, and see what I had not seen below the surface. Sitting Crow reiterated that I needed to lift my spirits, maintain my faith, and my trust in myself.

Sitting Crow told me that I was wasting energy, and I must have the strength, and the courage to take risks.

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I spoke with two Asian spirit guides, who were a pair, or twins. They seemed to be part of each other. They told me not to be afraid to approach anything, and reiterated that I needed to have faith in myself, and look deeper.

The two Asian spirit guides told me that I now needed to refurbish my life, and confirmed Sitting Crow's advice that I needed to look up, and not look down.

The third spirit guide was a doctor. The doctor was looking at me as a young boy. He told me that I would grow to be a good man.

The fourth spirit guide was a banker. The banker was counting money. He told me that everything would be all right, and repeated that I needed to have faith in myself.

The final spirit guide who spoke to me that day was a dark man. Later, I would come to know him as Hansa. He was a very strong and powerful warrior. Hansa told me that I needed to have the courage to let go, but I did not want to let go.

He explained that I was putting together a jigsaw, which was two thirds completed, but I could not finish the jigsaw, because I had not been given all of the pieces. Hansa said that I would be given the additional pieces in time, and that the additional pieces would come as they were needed, but not as they were expected.

He again told me to have courage, and suggested that I should stop beating my head against the wall.

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Sitting Crow told me to have patience, and that I would have peace in the future. He said that life is like playing Snakes and Ladders, and we learned lessons with each move, which was the purpose of life, to learn.

Hansa told me about another previous lifetime.

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I was in England. I had a twin sister who had died when we were nine. My twin sister had been skipping, and she had fallen and hit her head on cobblestones. My twin sister had developed a blood clot and died. I had blamed myself for my twin sister's death, but the accident had not been my fault. I had also incorrectly believed that my mother in that lifetime had loved my twin sister more than she had loved me. I had been very close to my twin sister, and my twin sister was in my life again now. My twin sister was my Aunt Val.

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I asked what was to happen with Marie. Sitting Crow replied angrily, he told me that I had wasted too much energy, and that it was time to stop wasting energy. He told me that Marie was my karma.

I thought that I understood what Sitting Crow meant, but I had no concept of the extent of the karma to which he referred. He said that I had given all my power away to Marie, and that the experience should be a lesson to me. He explained that even though I felt better when I had a partner to support and encourage me, I needed to have faith in myself.

Hansa joined the conversation, he told me that I was a rescuer, and that I had always been a rescuer. He reiterated that I had continually given my power away. Hansa said that I needed to learn to throw out a life preserver when somebody was drowning, but if they did not grab hold of the life preserver and allow me to pull them in, I had to stop jumping in with them. He told me that this pattern went back many lifetimes, and that it was making me a victim.

Sitting Crow explained that each person was given a water bottle with their life's energy in it to sustain them when times were hard, and there was no water available. He said that each person had to carry their own water bottle, and that our water bottle needed to last a lifetime. He told me I had to keep my water bottle to myself, and if I continued to let others drink from my water bottle, there would be no water left for me, when I needed water.

The twin Asians described my energy as a burning candle, and they said that I had to stop allowing others to blow out my flame. They told me I had given my power away too many times, but I had a new beginning, and that this time I must not become a slave to others, by giving them my power.

Sitting Crow told me to leave the meeting with the spirits. He repeated that this was a new beginning for me, and that I needed to let go of my past because my past was my karmic debt, which I had now repaid.

Sitting Crow explained that I had been given spiritual insights, and that I now needed to rebuild my power. He said that I needed to lift my self esteem, and that I needed to become the navigator of my own life. He said that I needed to return to my life with a different attitude, and he suggested that I had to stop trying to rescue people's feelings. Sitting Crow said that I needed to be honest and open, but it was up to others whether they adjusted to me.

Sitting Crow said that I was two-thirds of the way up the mountain, and I could not allow myself to slip back down the mountain or allow others to pull me off the mountain. He said that I should be grateful for the difficulties that I was experiencing, because I needed to clear out the puss and infections, and remove the muck from the sores in my life. He said that even though cleaning out the sores in my life was painful, it was the only way that I would heal.

Sitting Crow said that I would stagnate if I continued waiting, and that it was time to act. He said that I could only do what I could do, but only I could do it. He suggested that I should stop attempting to do things, that I could not do.

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Immediately that I arrived home, I was tested to make sure that I had listened. Anne was having problems, and although I felt obliged to attempt to help her, I knew that she needed to want to help herself first. Anne was going into a period of self-destruction. I reached out to her, but I was not going to allow her to drag me down too.

The same day, I had received a letter of rejection from a publisher. The rejection did not concern me, I knew that it was not time to have any of my work published.

Whenever I was given some understanding, I was tested to see if I had really learned.

I was only greeted by difficulties when I returned home, Rose had given me a note of encouragement, which had touched me deeply.

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The following morning I was very positive. I was able to complete everything that I had planned to do and more. Suddenly, a string of little things did not go as I had planned. My mood swing really surprised me, I immediately became depressed. I was despondent, and I could not understand why. The things which had not gone my way were not important, and I did not even begin to think that they were important.

I worked hard that afternoon, and I attended a professional basketball game with my boys. I was slowly able to lift my spirits.

That night I went deeper within myself than I had gone previously, and I crossed into the spirit plane.

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I saw my soul, and I saw the dark veil surrounding my soul. The dark veil had been separated from my soul, but the dark veil had not been removed.

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Our fears, doubts and insecurities form a dark veil which becomes wrapped around our soul and dims our vision of the world. We cannot really see the true light and beauty of the world, while we are looking through the dark veil. We need to remove the dark veil before we can see clearly.

Throughout the experience I felt that everything was in slow motion. I was totally aware of everything, and I saw everything clearly. I could even feel my involuntary muscle movements, the awareness that I experienced was incredible.

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The next day was a time of reflection. I understood my karmic debt from my previous lifetimes. I understood that I needed to lose my dreams, my pot of gold and even my rainbow. I needed to lose nearly everything, and not give up on life…. this time.

I knew that I would not give up. I did not know that my resolve was still to be tested, nor did I know that the karmic debt, which I had discovered was only a symptom of the real karmic debt, that I needed to repay.

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