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Searching for My Soul

Book One Searching for My Soul


Shining the Sword.

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When I was finally told 'why me', I had thought that my journey had finished, but all that had finished was the preparation.

I was working at this time, sometimes I worked in the office and sometimes I worked at home. There were many times when I was being given information or I was being led somewhere and I could not work, but I was always given just enough time to complete my work and to fulfil my obligations to my business. Often I could not see how I would complete my work and I would start to worry, but I learned that I would be given the time that I needed. The time that I needed to complete my work was less than half the time that I used to need.

I continued to be a little down. I certainly was not depressed but 'something' was bothering me. I was concerned about the warnings that had been contained in my Tarot reading. I believed that one of the warnings related to Marie, and I did not like the implication. I felt troubled whenever I thought about Marie, and troubled that I did think about her. I knew that she was not for me. I had found my soulmate.

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I allowed my instinct to draw me to a Tarot reader. I knew that I needed some form of clarification. I drew nearly all the same cards from the Tarot deck that I had drawn a few days earlier. I was being held back by someone from the past. It was the card which had always represented Marie. The reader described the lady who was for me. She saw that the lady played piano. My soulmate played piano.

The reader described a lot of my abilities. She described me as a traveller and explorer, just as the Scotsman had done months earlier. She saw me going to an area in Europe which was south of where my soulmate lived, but in the same general area. She saw me returning to England, but I knew all of this.

The only thing that concerned me when she described my soulmate, was that she saw a child and my soulmate had no children. The Tarot reader also saw my two boys so even though I did not understand the reference to my soulmate and a child immediately, I did not doubt it.

She saw my two challenges, but she could not see what my two challenges were either. It was obviously important that I did not know what they were. I still felt that one challenge somehow related to Marie, but I decided not to worry. I would find out what they were when it was time to face them and I would be all right if I followed my instinct.

My peace returned. I had heeded the warning, and I had followed my instinct to clarification. Later that day, I began to suspect that the child with my soulmate was Amanda. It would certainly explain why I had not sensed her presence for a several weeks.

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I had started writing my account of my journey, which was to become Searching For My Soul. As I was reviewing my notes, I saw clearly what I had done to cause the depression and stress to overwhelm me. My realisation hit me like a bolt of lightening, and my realisation explained many aspects of my journey which I had not previously understood. I could not believe that I had not made the connection to the events which had caused my depression, until I reviewed my notes months later.

The day's events had been both startling and significant. I wanted to share the day's events with someone, but I had no one to share them with. I would need to be patient.

My thought patterns were still focused on earth plane issues, but my soul would 'kick in' and correct my thoughts immediately. I knew that it would only be a matter of time before I stopped thinking solely from the earth plane perspective. I did not know how long 'a matter of time' would be.

I considered seeking formal training for some of the abilities that I was developing, but I knew that I was not meant to develop temporary bridges for others to use. I knew that I was meant to find the permanent bridge to my soul.

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My days followed the same pattern. Fate ensured that I was required to work at home often, which provided sufficient time for my journey and for my work. I was pretty much able to flow with what was happening, and I did not really have any concerns at all. I spoke with Sally, Rose or Anne from time to time.

As I reviewed my notes, I was continually reminded of experiences that I had forgotten. I could see the process that I had followed, and the logic behind the process with increasing clarity. I could see what had happened and why. I could see how everything that I had experienced fitted in the jigsaw which I was slowly beginning to complete.

I wondered what the people from what I now considered to be my old world would think of all that I had experienced. The only consolation I had, was that whenever I started heading down one of these wrong paths, my soul stepped in and corrected me.

As I continued to review my notes, I saw that I'd had the answers that I been searching for, all along. I had not been ready to see them.

Most of the time I was 'up' and on the few occasions when I did feel 'down' I had something that I wanted to share, and nobody to share with. I wanted to do more than share events. I wanted to share my life.

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I sat in my 'special' room and I gazed at my soulmate's picture. Again her eyes came alive, and again I saw the laughter behind them. As I looked at the picture I thought; 'I have never met this lady, and I have never even communicated with her'. I felt no overwhelming emotion, but I realised that I loved this lady and that I had always loved this lady. It was fact. There was no doubt, no emotion. It was so.

Surprisingly, Marie was still on my mind. It was as if there was still something that I was supposed to know. I had sought and I had received guidance. I would listen.

Whilst reviewing my notes I often thought; 'if only I had listened'. Listening was one lesson which I was determined to learn.

I spoke with Jane. The feeling that she was back in my life for a reason was stronger than ever. I felt that I needed to provide guidance or assistance to her, but I knew that I would not attempt to find out what I needed to do. Being a part of Jane's life would be enough to ensure that I did what I needed to.

Later I took my boys to my beach. As I sat on my beach watching my boys I found myself thinking about the good times that I had shared with Marie. There was definitely 'something' in relation to Marie which I needed to know, but I could only flow with whatever developed and allow whatever it was to surface.

When we returned home, a movie caught my attention. The movie was about past lives, and it was the third time that week, that I had received a message about past lives. I was being led to something in respect of past lives. I did not know what I was being led to, and I did not go searching. I left myself open. I knew that whatever it was would come to me.

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Over the next few days I was to learn much about messages. I would be talking with someone and they would mention something completely off the subject and only in passing. Then a few days later something else would happen and I would see clearly what the message was about. I was starting to receive messages and guidance from people, as we all do, all of the time. The difference was that my awareness allowed me to consciously receive the message.

It was not that I was looking for messages, I was not. I did not sit down after a conversation with someone and attempt to determine what the message was, but I was open and if there was one, I saw it clearly.

I began to understand that things that I knew would happen, did happen. However, things that I wanted to happen, I attempted to justify to myself, and I attempted to find signs that what I wanted to happen, would happen. This understanding was significant in respect of my soulmate. I never looked for signs that I had found my soulmate. I knew that I had found my soulmate.

At this point I felt good almost all of the time. Problems no longer felt like problems. Nothing worried me. I did still feel that I was missing a significant point in relation to Marie, but I did not know what it was.

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One day I spoke with Rose again about some of what I was experiencing, and how my experiences were progressing. Rose wanted to know why she was in my life, but I could not tell her because I did not know. I tried to explain that there was a reason why I did not know, and that it could be that she was not meant to know. Rose was not satisfied with my explanation, and I had not expected her to be. We both acknowledged that Rose was a young soul. I did try to explain to her that because we remained in each other's lives there was a reason why.

I was still trying to justify myself to others even though I knew that what others thought was not important. I still needed to learn that particular lesson. However, I did seem to be learning.

My solitude was certainly over. I did not know that my solitude would return. I was speaking with both Rose and Anne on a regular basis, and I was able to spend time with them or others more frequently.

The agency through which I had obtained my soulmate's details was closing down. The agency had only been in business for a few weeks, long enough for me to return from England, and find my soulmate. Nothing really surprised me any more.

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My days continued to follow the same pattern. I reviewed my notes and I was in contact with a lot of people. Carlos would even telephone me from England from time to time. His life seemed to be slowly getting a little more on track each day. I knew that it was up to him now. He needed to work hard and show commitment.

I identified another problem which remained. My ego continued to get in the way of my life. I despaired at ever learning all that I needed to learn. I did take heart because when I got something wrong, the correction was immediate.

As I was reviewing my notes, whenever I reached a critical lesson, I would be retested. This happened over and over again and it was apparent that I was going to learn, whether I wanted to or not. It was far more pleasant for me to flow with the process, and allow myself to learn.

I had lunch with Rodney. I explained that I was flowing with each day, taking one day at a time and doing one thing at a time. He asked me about Marie, and I responded that there was 'nothing' there.

Whenever I did something, or I attempted to do something I knew that if it was supposed to happen, it would happen. However, if it was not supposed to happen, I could not make it happen. I had nothing to worry about, and I did not worry. I felt myself drawn to my beach. I knew that I remained too concerned about what people thought.

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Insights continued to flow. There are three basic paths which we can take. There is the light path, the dark path and the middle path. Those who follow the light path gain enlightenment and move onto the higher plane where they live in the light which reveals all the beauty of the universe. Those who follow the dark path will live in complete darkness on the lower plane. Everything becomes brighter the further that we travel down the light path, and everything becomes darker the further we travel down the dark path. The middle path leads to purgatory, where we live neither in the light nor in the darkness, but somewhere in between, going in circles.

In many ways I had been living my destiny most of my life. I had always been provided for, and had mostly been comfortable. I had also helped many people to see their own potential, and to gain the confidence they needed to take the next step on their journey. I was now being shown what my destiny was, and I was being asked to follow my path full time, not part time.

Each time I had taken a wrong turn, it had been corrected before I did too much damage to myself. I knew that finding and crossing the bridge to my soul was the only way to the higher plane.

Even though I still had moments of sadness, my moments of sadness were few and far between. I had not been depressed since I had climbed out of the chasm.

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I spoke with Anne for a long time, and I arranged to see her. I had not seen her for more than two months. I spoke with Rose and my boys for a long time. I received a letter from Dorothy, and Hercules briefly came into my life.

Hercules the kitten was in my life for one day. It was no accident that Hercules came into my life, and no accident that he left my life. In the short time that Hercules was with me, we became attached. Hercules was very affectionate and we somehow 'knew' each other. When I realised that I could not keep Hercules, I became very upset. I could not understand why I should become so upset, but I knew that there was a reason for the experience.

I eventually understood what I needed to learn from the 'Hercules' experience. I had no reason to be sad, he was just going to live in another home. Hercules had only been in my life for a very short time, but he had been good company and I enjoyed our short time together. I should be happy that we had our time, not sad that he had to move on.

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The following day was to prove to be a significant day for me. Anne was at a crossroads. She had been given a taste of the light path, and she now needed to make a choice as to which path to follow. I had returned to Anne's life to offer guidance. I did not know if she would choose to accept my guidance. I did not know at that point why she had earned the opportunity to return to the light path. I did know that accepting my guidance was her choice, and that only Anne could make the decision to accept my guidance.

I suddenly understood that it had not been Anne's dark side that scared me. It was the fact that her dark side had touched my dark side, and had attempted to pull my dark side out that had scared me. I realised that I needed this information prior to seeing Anne again. I had only seen her once since the meeting of our dark sides two months earlier.

When I saw Anne I knew that I needed to tell her about the decision that she had to make. I realised that I had known what she needed to do two months earlier when I had attempted to help her. I had been drawn back into Anne's life to repay my debt to her for saving me, but I did not understand at this point, that karmic debt is circular.

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I knew from my own experience that the similarity between my astrological and numerological profiles was not coincidence. Astrology is very real. Astrology is designed to allow us to choose exactly when we will be reincarnated. This is so that our physical personality is equipped with the characteristics necessary to successfully learn what we need to learn in each lifetime. Numerology is a different method of fulfilling the same requirement.

The same astrological and numerological profiles that provide us with the ability to face our challenges, also provide us with the challenges which we have to face. We are given the negative characteristics that will provide the challenge and give us the lessons that we need, and the positive characteristics that we need to overcome these challenges and learn.

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I remained impatient for the process of my transition to be over. I was attempting to assess the outcome of my experiences by my old values, which I knew was a nonsense. My experiences were real because they were happening. What I or anyone else thought about them did not matter.

I knew that I was fulfilling my destiny. I was allowing myself to be drawn into people's lives, and I was allowing myself to fulfil my reason for being in their lives, just by being in their lives. I was following my instinct, and I was allowing my experiences to happen. I was flowing, and I was close to living with my soul.

It was apparent that my journey had a specific time frame. I needed to allow my journey to happen. I had learned that I could not change or influence the time frame of my journey even when I attempted to. I had attempted to influence the time frame of my journey many times, without success. Even slow learners, learn.

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My biggest problem was that I was still attempting to seek the approval of others. I was following my path regardless of whether I received approval, but I was continuing to seek it. I had not solved this problem, even though I had identified the problem several months earlier. In fact, my challenge is in my astrological profile.

'Your need for approval leads you to try almost anything, first this and then that, whatever anybody asks. However, you need freedom of choice more than you need approval.'

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There was another aspect of my astrological profile which I had not understood the significance of previously.

'This can either bring forth a tendency towards spiritual rebirth or self-destruction.'

The place, time and date of our birth is not by accident. We choose the place, time and date of our birth to provide us with the ability and challenges to fulfil what we have been sent here to do.

The closer I came to finding my soul the more accurate my astrological profile became. Aspects of my astrological profile which for years had made no sense to me and did not seem to fit my character at all, suddenly began to make sense. I learned that our astrological profiles are accurate. In fact, they are more accurate about our true self than we are.

I did not read my astrological profile and attempt to find how it fitted my character. It was the other way around. As I went through the process of finding my soul, I re-read my astrological profile from time to time, and each time it made more sense. Many times I saw aspects of my character within my astrological profile which I had either overlooked or not paid any attention to, because the aspects of my character did not fit who I was, but after I had found these aspects of my character with myself, the aspects of my character 'jumped out' at me from within my astrological profile.

To balance my observations, I will provide an example of one of my challenges, 'Above all, you must feel that you are in control of your circumstances.'

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There was one particular aspect within my numerological profile which I had not understood when I first read it, and therefore I had not accepted it. In fact, I had forgotten about that aspect within my numerological profile until I reviewed my numerological profile a few months after my journey had increased its pace. What I had not accepted as a part of my character, suddenly stood out like a beacon.

'Sharing your unique spiritual insights may prove to be among the most important and enlightening work you can do.'

I had been given my various psychic experiences so that I knew that psychic abilities are real. I was subsequently told how various psychic abilities worked individually, before being shown how the various psychic abilities fitted into the big picture. I needed to learn, so that I could teach. I knew that if required I would be drawn to whichever of my psychic abilities were appropriate for the circumstances.

I may still write some of the books that I had planned to write, maybe all of the books and maybe other books, but only if they were necessary to assist my teaching role, and not as my main purpose. Like my psychic abilities, my writing would only be drawn on when necessary.

I had the approval challenge to overcome, but I knew that the approval challenge did not matter. Graeme had been placed in my life for support, and to provide me with somebody who was totally impartial to discuss what I was experiencing. This was all the support that I really needed, which is why he was in my life. When I no longer needed his support, he would leave my life.

I remained impatient, although my patience was greatly improved. I still did not enjoying every moment. If I was doing something, I would worry about what I was not doing. This made absolutely no sense to me, because it had been demonstrated to me time and again, that I would be given enough time to do everything that I was required to do, and that I would be given time to relax and recharge when I needed to.

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I was continually drawn to do something or drawn to some person and I allowed myself to be drawn. I needed to adopt a more complete approach. I needed to stop worrying about having time to do whatever else I thought that I had to do.

For months I had been unable to work or attend the office until I received all the insights, knowledge or understanding that I was to be given each morning. I knew this and yet I still found myself worrying about the time each morning when I had to attend the office.

Despite the fact that I had shined my sword and that my instinct was in excellent condition, I still needed to locate and deal with a few pockets of resistance as my little war within myself was reaching an end, or what I thought was an end.

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