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Searching for My Soul
Book Three Understanding My Destiny

Easing Back Into Phase.

  It proved to be an interesting day. I was relaxed and the world was beautiful.

I was very tired. I needed sleep, but I was not going to be able to sleep for some time. Much happened to disrupt my peace, but I did not allow my peace to be disrupted.

I finally slept in the early hours of the morning. During the night I had been given two related dreams. One when I was falling asleep and one just before I awoke. The second was a continuation of the first.

The theme was clear. Everything had not been as it seemed. What was apparent in the first dream, became blatantly wrong in the second dream.

I asked, "What were the dreams, and the events which disrupted my peace about?"

God replied, "You have correctly received the message, not all things are as they first seem. The events to which you refer, were for experience."

"Of course."

"You have experienced being pushed and pulled in a situation where you cannot win, and you did not withdraw despite what was alleged. Compare."

Years earlier when I withdrew, I withdrew far. My withdrawal was an angry withdrawal, and it would take me a long time to come back. If I was pushed before coming back, I would withdraw even further and I could remain withdrawn for months. My withdrawal at this point, had concerned me greatly, because I believed that my awakened abilities would make any withdrawal on my part redundant. However, my withdrawal at this time was different, I did not withdraw deeply and angrily like I had withdrawn prior to my awakening, I came back easily. My withdrawal was not an angry withdrawal. My withdrawal was a peaceful withdrawal. My withdrawal was sometimes detached, but my withdrawal was always peaceful.

I was observing the illusion, and when I allowed myself to be part of the illusion, I saw through the illusion.


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  When I had withdrawn previously, I had felt nothing, nothing at all. When I withdrew this time, I felt love. Previously, when I had withdrawn I had not felt part of anything. When I withdrew this time, I was both a part of all things, and a little removed from all things at the same time.

As I thought about my apparent withdrawal, it became clear that I was not withdrawing, but operating on a slightly different plane. I was operating on more than one plane simultaneously, as I had been told that I would operate on more than one plane simultaneously.

I said, "So the events were created to give me the experience of operating on more than one plane simultaneously."

God replied, "There were many reasons why the events were created, your experience was just a part."

"Why did you not help when I asked?"

I did offer guidance, but you heard very little. You were out of phase, but you did nothing as I had told you previously. Your approach was correct. Accept all things as they are, simply because that is how all things are. There is always a reason why things are as they are, but all things are still as they are."

I was moving back into phase, and God was with me again. "It is good to have you back."

"I have not been anywhere. It is you who went away."

  As the day continued, I remained in phase. I remained at peace. Other than what was occurring at any given moment, nothing was on my mind.

In the afternoon, I became very tired and slept for a short while. One thing that I had noticed, was that I had come to enjoy creating my solitude which concerned me a little. Maybe I had created a fantasy world after all, and if I was in solitude, no one could intrude on my fantasy world. In my fantasy world, I was safe and nothing could harm me.

God said, "Is this the world which you would have created? If so, how did you get so many different psychics to cooperate and confirm what was happening?"

God had a very good point.

God continued, "Remember how you received Katerina's answer when you did not expect Katerina's answer? How often has this experience, in principle happened in the past, draw on your experience, draw on your knowledge.

"Consider every dream, and every hope that you ever had. See how your hopes and dreams have led you to this moment."

I had received and apparently understood yesterday's messages, so it was time to be given some more messages. Today's messages were about the trinity, and bringing the trinity into one.


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  I began to wonder about the money which I could have obtained a few days earlier. I knew that God provided in many ways, and I wondered if I should have taken the money after all.

God said, "Have you not experienced me providing in different ways? Why would you need to experience me providing in different ways, again?"

I said, "Maybe you are leading me to experience."

"Whenever you feel that I am leading you to experience, search your soul. You have the answer within you.

"Still you wonder about what you should do. If you feel like doing something, do that something. If you do not feel like doing something, do not do that something. Do not do that something for anyone else either.

"You do not have to change what you feel like doing. What you feel like doing will change, because of my promise to you.

"Trust your instinct. Remember that much of what you are experiencing now, is application of awareness.

"You know that everything will be, as everything will be, and you know when what you have created will take effect. What you do not know is precisely when the change will take place."

What I did not know at that stage, was precisely what I had created.


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"Let me ask you this, if all that you know, and all that I have told you does not happen, then what is the point? What has been the point of the exercise?"

"Maybe the point is that I have to learn not to want anything?"

"There are two parts to this question. Firstly we will address the question at face value. You want nothing for yourself, other than to meet your responsibilities to others. You wish to be free of that which distracts you from doing my work. You are not saying take these distractions away, and you will help others. You are already helping others. You are saying take these distractions away, and allow me to help more. You are not placing a condition upon me, you are making a realistic request, that is all.

"The second part of your question, which is contained between your words is; 'maybe I have to have nothing to enter the Kingdom of God'. As I have explained, if all those souls who truly followed my path had to look forward to, was a happy life after death, who would really choose to follow my path, from the perspective of the earth plane, where death is real? The message delivered by other teachers has been reported that one must have nothing to enter the Kingdom of God, and that one must have nothing to enter the Kingdom of God, has not worked. What has been experienced is the reflection, not the reality.

"Still you are concerned, whether what will be, will be, but have you not known what will be throughout all of your existence. Have you not foreseen what will be, and known that what will be, is how your life would be?

"Have you ever really doubted that what will be, would be so? Is what you experience, not the same as you experienced in respect of Katerina? You doubt only because what will be, has not occurred, but you do not really doubt. Review your life, you will see that this same principle has applied on every occasion when you knew, and you foresaw what was to be.


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"Can you tell me one occasion when you sought guidance from a professional Tarot reader, that events have not occurred as was foreseen? You know that guidance from a professional Tarot reader and the like, are messages delivered to you from your soul. You know that messages which are delivered to you from your soul are real. When you have a Tarot reading, you know that the Tarot reading is right, even as the Tarot is read. Why should this occasion be any different?"

When I awoke the following morning I asked, "Why have me do things which could be more easily achieved by a more direct method?"

"So that you will experience the way in which the reality of existence works.

"Anyone can train their body or their mind. Your example is not about training. The path to truth is not about training. Your example is about becoming one with your higher self, and in becoming one with your higher self, becoming one with all things.

"Your example is about reclaiming your true self through coming Full Circle. When souls are created all know who they are, but knowing who they are is not enough. It is knowledge without awareness. Awareness can only be achieved by applying experience to knowledge. So all souls must acquire experience, all souls must experience all things, all souls must experience who they are, and who they are not. Through acquiring all experience, and applying all knowledge, souls become aware of who they are."

I wondered what would be waiting for me when I returned home the following night.

"Search your soul. Have you not experienced that searching your soul is the only way to answer your questions?"


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  I wondered if I was doing what I should do, and I began feeling guilty that I was not doing something else.

"You are doing exactly what you should be doing. All are doing exactly what they should be doing, which is why there can be no judgement. All have made choices, albeit some choices are unwise. All are living and experiencing those choices, which is the very principle of cause and effect. If you are doing something, that something is what you are meant to be doing. It is so with all. Even if whilst doing something, you are wondering if you should be doing something else, you are meant to be so wondering. You are experiencing that you are doing exactly what you should be doing, because you need to experience that you are doing exactly what you should be doing. What you are experiencing, is a subtle reminder. Effectively, you experience wondering if you should be doing something else, so that you can experience that all do exactly what they should be doing, based on cause and effect.

"Consider the environment which you are in at the moment. Your environment is an environment of your own creation, to enable you to experience what you are experiencing now. Why did you assume that each environment is the big picture? Each moment is an environment. An environment of your creation to draw whatever experience you need from the environment of that moment."

The process of my journey was continuing to become more intense, and at the same time I sensed that the intensity was coming to an end. Although the intensity of my journey was increasing, the intensity of my journey was also becoming easier to deal with.

"You are correct. The intensity of your journey is increasing, but you now mostly handle the intensity of your journey in your stride. You will soon reach a point where the need for such intensive awareness, is passed."


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  I was given a simple demonstration of how one minor event could be accurately described in a number of ways with a varying amount of detail.

"You think that you need to explain your actions, and you wonder how you can explain your actions, because of varying levels of awareness. You need to explain nothing, unless asked. If asked, explain at the level which the one asking the question, will understand."

I reflected for some time. I realised that one of the issues which I continued to have a problem with, was the expectations of others. The main reason that I felt that I had to explain my actions was that I knew that I was acting contrary to the expectations of others. I was acting contrary to the expectations of others in many areas of my life, particularly in respect of the business, but also in most situations where I interacted with others.

I was different. I saw everything differently. I did not respond to other's fears and insecurities, and those with fears and insecurities could not understand my lack of response. Those with fears and insecurities felt that I was cold and withdrawn. I felt anything but cold and withdrawn. I felt close to all things, and all people. I felt a quiet peace, and a quiet confidence. A quiet love for all things. If anything my love for all that is was understated.

I was aware of all things, but I was not artificially affected by anything. That I felt a need to explain was, as far as I could tell, no more than a habit, a reflection of the artificial world. That I felt a need to explain must have been some sort of reflection or echo, because I did not really feel, that what others thought, was important.


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  As the day continued, I felt myself moving more into phase, and as I was moving more into phase, I was regaining my peace. I was given a message; 'You will bring something to an end and start something better in its place. You have been waiting for this, and a sudden increase in money.' I meditated for some time and was given more glimpses of the future. This time the glimpses of the future, all related to my ongoing role as a teacher.

I understood that I was only required to do two things. One was to tell my story which I was doing, and the other was to provide assistance to anyone who was drawn to seek my assistance. There would also be times when I would be directed, or led to show others how to provide practical assistance, and to show others how the 'industry factor' could be taken out of charity.

I would not be asked to 'sell' my message or convert anybody, or convince anybody that I was right, which was not really possible anyway. My job was to deliver the message by sharing my experiences, and my job ended there. Obviously my experiences did not end with my books. I knew that there would be more books, and not necessarily in the same style as I was now writing. For a start there would be the insights, which were to become The Truth Of Reality. Regardless of the form that my message took, my task would remain be a simple matter, of delivering the messages which I was given to deliver.

There was to be no religion, no workshops, no courses. I only needed to deliver my message, and be available to those who sought my guidance. No society, no chapters, nothing other than a very simple message.

A proportion of the time that I would be required to help others, would be solely as an intermediary, showing those who could help those who wanted to help themselves, how such assistance could be provided. If all gave a little of their time, and their talents, much good could be done.

An important factor was that I was not seeking anything from anybody. I was simply delivering a message, no more. The message which I was delivering was simple. Look within, and feel pure love.


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  It was the day when I was to return home. I was a little concerned that I would be disappointed if the news which I was expecting was not waiting for me, but I knew that it did not matter if I had received the news which I was expecting in my absence or not.

I was a little concerned because I would have creditors waiting for answers on my return, but I knew that I needed to stall my creditors for a little while longer. Notwithstanding my concern, I was relaxed and at peace. The news that I was expecting, would arrive when the news was meant to arrive, and in plenty of time for me to do, all that I needed to do.

I was becoming more in phase each day. I had now experienced slipping out of phase, and applying my awareness of what I had experienced. God was with me, and I was once again able to discuss events as they occurred.

God said, "Most young souls experience anger. Most young souls are angry at being taken from the paradise of the higher plane, and most young souls cannot understand why they had to leave their paradise. Most young souls forget why they have this anger, but most young souls retain the anger nevertheless.

"Being taken from the paradise of the higher plane is certainly not the only cause of anger. Anger may be carried over from a previous lifetime, or lifetimes. Often when it appears that a soul is born angry, it is because their anger caused their death, in a previous lifetime."


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  I again found myself wondering about what was going to happen.

"Why are you concerned? Do you think that I can arrange anything except for this one thing?

"The same principle applies in respect of your business. Surely you can see that you have been able to do just enough work to keep your former partners satisfied with your performance, at least at a level to retain your services and provide you with an income? Certainly you are not performing as your former partners would like, but performing as your former partners would like is not possible. It was your former partners who chose not to allow you to perform your duties, as your former partners should have allowed you to perform your duties. That this choice would be made by your former partners was foreseen, as were the other choices which your former partners would make, which is why you were drawn together. Your choices and their choices made the connection convenient for both, and for all.

"That your choices and their choices made the connection convenient for both, has been so with all who have touched your life. That your choices and their choices made the connection convenient for both, will be so for all who are to touch your life. The principle of convenient sharing of experiences applies to all souls."

Mostly the day was relaxing. I enjoyed a peaceful drive home, as I soaked in the magnificence of the world. The brightness with which I saw the world, was continuing to increase.


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  Late that afternoon, I was given some more experience that my understated love for all, was seen as coldness. I began to become concerned that perhaps I was cold and withdrawn, afterall.

God explained, "When one has rediscovered the pure love which is the fabric of existence, one feels pure love with a great peace. Part of pure love is a great peace, and a sense of accomplishment. Pure love is something which you live in. Pure love is not something that you need to take out, and display for others to see.

"Do not feel that you have any obligation, or any ability to remove another's emotional or spiritual pain from them. Emotional or spiritual pain can only be removed from within. Even if you manage to relieve the symptoms of emotional or spiritual pain, it is only a temporary solution and the emotional or spiritual pain will return. Feeling emotional or spiritual pain, feeling anything is the only way to experience.

"Your own lifetime, notwithstanding all of your other lifetimes, has shown you that feeling anything is the only way to experience. Why do you think that even now you feel some things, and observe others? You feel what you need to experience, and you observe what you do not need to experience. As your lifetime continues, you will observe more, and experience less.

"You know, and you see all around you, that most associate feelings with negative emotions. You know that negative emotions are only illusion."


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  When I arrived home I checked my mail and my telephone messages. I had received nothing, but bad news. Mounting pressure across all aspects of my life, with the exception of another letter from Katerina. I felt like screaming, or running away, or both. Strangely the mounting pressure did not disturb my inner peace. I checked my messages, and again there was nothing of any consequence, and no solution to my financial difficulties. The letter which I had received from Katerina needed to be translated.

I did not know what to do. It was as if another attempt was being made to knock me out of phase. All of the stalling that I had been doing with my creditors, was catching up with me. I did the only thing that I could do. I meditated. I looked within. I quickly understood two or three things that I could do to remove the pressure. I needed to do some more stalling, but I did not know what else to do.

As I thought about all that had occurred, I realised that what I was experiencing was no different, to what I had known that I would experience. I was certainly being taken to the brink. For me it mattered not, my concern was for those to whom I had responsibilities.

I encountered more pressure everywhere I turned that night. I received a call from Anne, precisely when I needed someone to talk to. This was not the first time that I received a call, precisely when I needed someone to talk to.

The pressure continued to mount. Every time that I overcame one problem, another problem presented itself. I knew that my problems did not matter, and to me my problems did not matter, except for my obligations to others. Illusions though they may have been, my obligations to others were real, and I knew that I had obligations to others for a reason. Without my obligations to others, I would have gone into solitude. I would have continued my journey, but I would have continued my journey, without the pressures of everyday life on the earth plane.


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  To say that I was depressed would be incorrect, I was far from depressed. My underlying happiness remained. I was however, frustrated and fed up with my journey. I was tired, and drained. I felt that I had no strength at all.

Nor did I know what to do. I had tried and genuinely achieved everything that I could think of to do. I had worried. I had not worried. I had despaired. I had been frustrated. I had been patient. I had begged for assistance. I had cursed and abused. I had discussed my environment calmly and rationally. I had sought help. I had faced my environment alone. I had flowed. I had fought. I had pushed. I had searched my soul. As far as I could see I had done most things, from most perspectives. I had done nothing. I had done something.

I could not understand what was going on. I knew that my environment was an illusion, but as far as those who were affected, or would be affected if my financial position did not rectify itself, were concerned, my environment was real.

I had requested answers, and I had been led to experience. I knew what was going to happen, and I knew that what had happened was real. I tried to tell myself that I had invented my experiences, but I knew that I had not invented my experiences. I was confused, of that there was no question. So not having a clue what to do, and despite knowing that I would not sleep, I went to bed.

I knew that I was worthy, because I had undertaken the journey. Despite the fact that I had chosen my experiences, my journey had led me through the illusion of a hell which had felt real, and I had not one clue of where to put my foot next. I stopped walking. I stood still and waited.

The next morning I awoke to find myself still standing, waiting. I recalled that the last thing which God had said the previous night was, "You have created this experience."


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  I had learned some time ago that I had a problem with my metabolism, and that I did not fully digest food which was the cause, although not the only cause, of my weight problem. I knew that I had been correcting this problem for just over a week, and I knew that the correction of metabolism was working because certain foods no longer had the same effect on me, that they had once had.

I had also been consulting God at meal times. God would tell me what to eat, and often in what order. I had been told to eat a huge variety of things, including meat and chocolate, things which I had been trying to avoid. I asked God what we were doing.

God replied, "We are balancing your diet."

I had asked why I was regaining weight.

"Relax, once we have rectified your problem, your weight will fix itself. Like all things, you only need to allow the adjustment of your weight to happen. You have been trying to force yourself to remove your excess weight. Allow yourself to lose weight, and you will lose weight. You stopped losing weight, and you started regaining weight, because you lost sight of the motive for removing your excess weight, and you embraced the artificial worship of the body, which prevails among many on the earth plane, at the moment."

The problem that remained was that I tended to eat when my environment was other than I liked. It was as if I would use my excess weight to push myself further down. I recalled that when I was at my worst, I would eat when I was depressed, and then become more depressed, because I was eating too much.

"Well, your diet was not very balanced yesterday."

I wondered why I had not been aware of creating the environment, which I had been creating.

"You needed to block your knowledge of the illusion, so you could feel the experience."


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  I found it interesting that I had been knocked out of phase a few days earlier, by basically the same events of the previous evening, which had not knocked me out of phase.

During the previous week or so, many little things had gone wrong around my home. Something would break or just stop working. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not fix the something that had broken. I knew that the many little things which had gone wrong were a part of whatever I was experiencing, and I saw the many little things which had gone wrong as no more than a minor annoyance.

That morning, I was surprised at how tense I was. I could feel the tenseness in my back, and I had not felt tension for some time. I also had a headache.

On a positive note, I had received a letter from a friend who lived in the United States. It seemed that we were connected. She told me that she had been afraid of fire as a little girl, and that she had discovered that her fear had stemmed from being burnt as a little girl, in a previous lifetime. My friend's experience was a simple confirmation, that all that had occurred was not just my imagination.

I had at one point determined that I would know that my experiences had been real, when everything came together. That morning, I realised that I knew that my experiences were real, even if everything did not come together. I did not know when I had accepted that my experiences were real, but somewhere along my journey, I had accepted that my experiences were real without being aware that I had accepted that my experiences were real.

"So, you have finally found the point."

Maybe I had 'got the point', but I certainly did not live the point. Time and time again the point that my experiences were real would be remade, until I did not just get the point that my experiences were real, but I also lived the point that my experiences were real.


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  I realised that I had been attempting to continue on my journey, without asking God for guidance and discussing everything. I had attempted to continue on my journey, without asking God for guidance, because I had been led to experience things by God, and I had reached a point where I had thought; 'This is not helping. I just get led to experience something else.' So I had tried to 'go it alone'. 'Going it alone' had not changed what I was experiencing. 'Going it alone' had only made what I was experiencing more difficult to deal with, because I was unaware of what was going on. I knew I had only attempted to continue on my journey, without asking God for guidance, to experience 'going it alone' and to be subtly reminded of the difference between 'going it alone', and 'going with God'. I knew that attempting to continue on my journey, without asking God for guidance was one of the detours which I had chosen to take. As usual, I had 20/20 hindsight.

I asked God a question. I received three answers. "Yes", "No" and "Maybe."

God said, "You are testing me. Daring me to prove my existence. Can you not see what you have been doing? Every time that you test me, I provide misleading information. You know that you have nothing to prove, even to yourself. You know that no proof is possible, but you needed to experience that no proof is possible. Have you not experienced that no proof is possible enough for your knowledge to become awareness?"

I took the point. I knew that attempting to prove God's existence was exactly what I had been doing. My back tension was lifting, and my headache was all but gone.

When I attended the office that day, I felt angry and frustrated. I was not sure why. I felt, not for the first time, and in respect of the business, not life, like an A grade player in a C grade team.

One area of the business which I was concerned with turned out to be potentially worse than I suspected. However, to my surprise, I knew that there was nothing that I could do, and as such the potential problems did not concern me in the least.

I reviewed the facts, and I saw exactly what was happening. I saw how my former partners were responding to the situation, which was the same as my former partners always responded. However, on this occasion my former partners' response to the difficulties within the business did not bother me in the least.

In fact, the continued difficulties within the business had kept me employed, and provided me with an income. The difficulties within the business would continue to keep me employed, and continue provide me with an income for as long as I needed an income.


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  I could not understand my reaction of anger and frustration that morning. I suspected that I was being too hard on myself again.

I had a coffee, and I discussed that morning's pressure with Joe. I did not feel one ounce of concern, which Joe suggested was because I was releasing that morning's pressure. Joe pointed out that it was less than a month, until I would leave to meet Katerina.

I could see that I was already 'cutting it fine' in respect of all that I needed to do before I met Katerina. I did know that I could cut it finer, before the situation would be passed the point of no return. I had no idea of what I was supposed to do.

All day I could see things happening around me which confirmed that the problems within the business were mounting. I could see the problems within the business compounding, and heading in the direction in which I knew that the problems within the business would head. I enjoyed a quiet lunch by myself, and I felt at peace, with not one concern. At times during lunch, I searched my feelings for a concern but could not find any concern. I could not explain why I had no concern, nothing had changed, except that the pressure had continued to mount.

As I sat quietly in the corner of a coffee shop, I knew that all would be well. Although I did not know how or when all would be well.

I searched my memories. I knew that I was experiencing the same calmness which I had felt on previous occasions, when I knew that all was going to be well. Despite my previous experience, I found that I was continuously searching for a concern. I nearly found a concern a few times, but I could not quite find a concern.

I even tried to invent ways to see things working out, when I could not see things working out. I attempted to reach God, but God said, "Ask no questions now."


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  I needed to attend a meeting the following morning which I did not want to attend, but my need to attend the meeting the following morning did not concern me either.

I continued to desperately search for something to be concerned about, but I could not find anything to be concerned about. I felt bloated and overweight, but I knew that feeling bloated and overweight was not permanent, and so feeling bloated and overweight did not concern me either.

I again found myself tempted to ask what was going on.

God repeated, "Ask no questions."

I recalled that when I had spoken with Anne the previous evening, Anne had given me a message which confirmed the approximate timing of two key events, both of which I knew. I continued to search my feelings, and I found that I was not on a high of anticipation which usually preceded my let downs. I felt a calmness, which was the same calmness that I had felt on Christmas Eve, when I had received Katerina's first letter, and also on the day when I had unexpectedly received Katerina's acceptance of my wedding proposal.

I did worry that perhaps by being aware of my previous experiences I would build up a false anticipation, but so far I had not built up an anticipation, false or otherwise, and I did not feel that I would build up an anticipation.

God said, "Allow everything to be."

I was going to be caught up in the office most of the day, which did not concern me either. I felt no drive to go home.

I did not experience a feeling of 'I will not be doing this, or I will not be doing that, or I would be doing something else.' I experienced a peace and a calmness which was descending over me. Strangely as I sat quietly in that coffee shop, I continued to search for something to be concerned about. It was as if I was lost, without my concerns.

I started to attempt to force myself to retain the calmness, which I felt.

God said, "Allow your peace and calmness to be."


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  I had a slight headache. I decided to buy some headache tablets. I knew that I did not need any headache tablets, but I felt like buying headache tablets anyway. I knew that the key was to not sit around thinking about what was happening. I had enough to do in the office that afternoon, so that thinking about what was happening would not be a problem.

As I drove home that day, I remained calm. I did not know what to expect, if anything. I considered artificially forcing myself to go about my business, but I allowed my instinct to guide me. I did not get artificially excited.

When I arrived home, there was no message from my agent, and no indication that anything had changed, despite my potential disappointment my calmness remained.

That night I was becoming a little restless. I did not know what to do, but I remained at peace. I decided to attempt sleep. As I was preparing to sleep, I picked up a book and flipped a few pages, not reading. The message jumped out at me; 'There is nothing else to do'.

As the night developed, my headache intensified and I had the distinct impression that the purpose of my headache, was to block me from talking with God. My restlessness increased, and I could not settle, but strangely I remained at peace.

I worked for a while, because I was not tired. My headache was becoming a migraine, which I could not shift. Developing a migraine did not impress me considering the following morning's meeting. I could not understand why I continued to make my environment so difficult for myself. I asked God what more was expected of me, regardless of the earlier message.


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  When I awoke the following morning, I had retained my deep sense of peace, my migraine had gone, and I reached out to find that I was again in touch with God.

I checked my messages. There was a note from Katerina which showed that two of the issues which I had been concerned about having time to address, could be addressed, with less time than I had first suspected, which reduced the pressure slightly, although I was not feeling any pressure.

I began wondering if I should do this, or if I should do that.

God said, "Leave everything alone."

I recalled a conversation which I'd had a few days earlier with a tree. I had known that I could communicate with plant life, but I was a little intimidated by the concept of communicating with plant life, so I had delayed reaching out to plant life.

I was sitting in a park under a tree, and I found myself reaching out to the tree before I became aware of what I was doing. I asked, "Can you communicate?"

The tree responded, "Yes."

I asked, "How are you?"

The tree replied, "Good, I like it here. It is peaceful. When my lower branches got cut off, it hurt for a while, but it allowed me to grow taller so I have no complaints. I am happy here."

I terminated the conversation there. I was staggered that I could actually converse with a tree, or the spirit of a tree.


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  I reflected on the previous evening and even though nothing had happened, I had become restless with a migraine headache so severe that my headache blocked communication with God. Nevertheless, I had no concern and the peace which had descended over me had remained throughout the night.

God said, "As you know, all is based on cause and effect. Throughout your existence you have lived the effect, now you will live the cause. It is so with all. When a soul is unaware, the soul lives and experiences the effect. When a soul becomes aware, the soul lives and experiences the cause."

The day continued, and nothing occurred to disrupt my peace. By late that afternoon, all of the little things which had stopped working around my home had rectified themselves. However, I had not received any news from my agent, or any indication of how my financial difficulties would be resolved.

I again became restless, but I retained my peace. The migraine headache which had plagued me for two days was interesting. My migraine headache would ease or disappear, and I would prepare to open communications with God. Each time that I prepared to open communications with God my migraine headache would reappear, effectively blocking me. It seemed that at the moment communications with God, were meant to be one way.

I reflected on my life. I recalled that there had been a time when I had believed that there was good and bad in everything, not understanding that it was I who had created my own environment, including the good and bad in everything. At one point in my life, I had believed that as long as something was at least 51% good, it was more good than bad, so I was doing all right. If the ratio deteriorated, I would do something about the situation. I now knew that I had something to experience from the environment, and that my perception of what was a good experience and what was a bad experience was irrelevant. I now sought, and was creating an environment which was 100% positive, because a positive environment was my chosen experience.


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  I reflected on the business. Nothing within the business affected me. I could see very clearly how the circumstances of the business were playing out. I was not drawn to do anything about the ongoing problems within the business, but I was saddened. In many ways I felt that I was wasting my time remaining within the business, but I remained within the business, so I obviously was not wasting my time. I was experiencing the application of my awareness.

I had planned to attend to some outstanding matters that afternoon, but I had not attended to the outstanding matters which were financial in nature. It appeared that I may have been waiting for some news first. I knew better than to assume that the reason why I had not attended to the outstanding matters, was because I was waiting for some news. However, I accepted that I was waiting for some news, before attending to the outstanding matters, as a possibility.

I reflected on the past week. I could see that many of the events which had occurred, had related to my experiencing the application of awareness. I could see how many of the situations which I was experiencing, were repeat situations so that I could experience applying my awareness. There certainly was a significant difference in how I felt about the situations which I was experiencing as I applied my awareness, which was seemingly why I had created, or recreated my environment.

In many ways, becoming aware that we are aware, is was one of the most fascinating aspects of the awareness process.


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  I meditated and I regressed.

I was a seed. I recalled being carried on the wind, sometimes drifting, and sometimes soaring. At times I would sail endlessly across the earth, and at other times I would swirl in circles. After a time, the wind died and I settled into a small patch of dirt between two rocks. I stretched out and placed my roots into the earth.

I had a message from Dorothy in England to return, and two letters from Katerina to reply to. I was drawn to do neither, and again I felt that I was waiting for some news first, but I did not assume that I was waiting for some news. I was prepared to attend to anything which I was drawn to do, or which I was told to do.

Another thing which I had noticed, was that the pace of my spiritual journey had slowed considerably during the previous three days. I was being given a much needed rest.

I considered whether I was blocking events through some feeling of unworthiness, or that anything good or positive 'could not be happening to me', but there were no feelings of unworthiness within me at that time. I felt that I deserved what was to come, not from the material aspect, but from the perspective of experiencing peace, joy and happiness. I no longer thought, at any level, that anything good or positive could not, or should not happen to me. I knew that I deserved good or positive experiences, because I was me, and I was becoming me, which is why everyone deserves good or positive experiences.

I understood why I had been left alone to deal with what I was experiencing, at my lower or conscious self level. I had known that I deserved peace, joy and happiness at a spiritual self level, and at a higher self level. I now knew that I deserved peace, joy and happiness at a conscious self level. The only way that I could have become aware that I deserved peace, joy and happiness at a conscious self level, was at my conscious self level. I had applied my knowledge to my experience, and now I was consciously aware.

God said, "You understand correctly."


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  I knew that everything would soon come together, at a conscious self level, and I knew that everything would come together exactly on schedule. I conveniently overlooked the fact, that I did not necessarily know the schedule.

No more 'How could good or positive experiences be happening to me?' but, 'why did I think that good or positive experiences could not happen to me?' Good or positive experiences must happen to everyone, at some point in time. When, does not matter, because existence is circular.

Having understood 'correctly' I wanted to reach out to God, but my migraine headache returned. I became tired. A little later I became restless again.

One thing which I suddenly realised, was that I was spending more time alone than I had done previously, even during my periods of enforced solitude. However, I never felt lonely. I very much enjoyed my own company, and I could, more than ever, see the attractiveness of a solitary existence.

I momentarily became discouraged. I prayed that having led me this far, God would lead me to Katerina, and to the fulfilment of my destiny.

It was as if I could see my new world, taste my new world, smell my new world and almost feel my new world, but I could not quite reach my new world. Each time that I experienced this feeling of closeness to my new world, I knew that I was being given a subtle reminder, often of my attachment to the earth plane.

I became confused, and an alternate solution to my difficulties presented itself to me. A solution which once again, would enable me to 'scrape through'. I wondered what was going on. Why had this alternate solution to my difficulties presented itself to me all of a sudden? I realised that I was being given an opportunity to apply my awareness. I told myself that 'scraping through' was not the experience which I had chosen. I deserved happiness and joy, not just to scrape through, because I was really unworthy of happiness and joy. The truth is that I am worthy of happiness and joy.

God said, "Are you sure that you are worthy of happiness and joy, or are you just saying that you are worthy of happiness and joy?"


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  I looked deep, I searched my feelings and I answered, "No, I am sure that I am worthy of happiness and joy."

The alternate solution to my difficulties which had presented itself to me, remained with me. I attempted to forcefully remove the alternate solution to my difficulties from my mind, but I thought; 'No, I cannot forcefully remove the alternate solution to my difficulties from my mind. I need to allow the alternate solution to my difficulties to play out, and then release the alternate solution to my difficulties,' which is precisely what I did. I felt my peace slowly returning, but I remained restless.

I asked, "Why have we not been in contact for two days?"

God replied, "This time I blocked our communication, not you. It was time for you to consciously become aware that you deserve happiness, joy and to effectively live in the pure love of 'heaven on earth'."

I reflected for awhile. I decided that if I went bankrupt, and I was forced to lose everything, losing everything would be something which I needed to experience. I knew that I had considered the possibility of going bankrupt previously, but I wanted to understand whether I was being led to experience something, other than I anticipated.

However, if I was being led to experience something other than I anticipated, I saw no reason to involve Katerina. If I cast aside my knowledge of Katerina being my soulmate, the involvement of Katerina in my difficulties made no sense. I could see no reason why I would be led to Katerina, almost against what I once would have called my better judgement. I had felt pure love previously, or close to pure love, and I had lost pure love. I did not need to experience losing pure love again.

I observed that what I once would have called my better judgement, was in reality the opposite of better judgement. What I once would have called my better judgement, was an attempt to avoid experience through fear of the consequences.


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  I had often reflected on my break with Marie. When we had first discontinued our relationship, I had handled my break with Marie, the best that I could subject to my awareness level. I felt nothing but love for Marie, but I had not attempted to compromise myself for Marie. Nothing that I had found in our past lives together, had changed my love for Marie, other than to make my love for Marie more pure.

The stress which I had felt after I had handled our parting 'correctly', had been imposed to force me to move onto my correct path. My stress had been imposed, and artificially maintained, until my stress had fulfilled its purpose, and it was time to release my stress.

I asked, "What is going on? Is Katerina anything other, than what you have told me Katerina is? Is the situation anything other, than you have told me that the situation is?"

God replied, "Everything is as I have said."

I supposed that I had lost a little confidence in God, because I had been led to an unpleasant experience too many times. I knew that it did not really matter if I was being led to an unpleasant experience again, but the prospect of being led to an unpleasant experience bothered me, and I could not understand why. It was the same principle which had applied to the issues which I had outlined, when I slipped out of phase. I asked, "What is my problem?"

"You are human. By that I mean that you are attached to the earth plane in human form. You have been given yet another difficult situation. The pressure builds, you receive temporary relief, and then the pressure rebuilds. This pattern has been apparent in your life for many years, although you were not aware of the pattern. Each time that the pressure builds, the experience is a little more difficult, because the pressure is greater.

"You are continually given just enough relief to keep you going. Over and over this pattern has repeated. I have added to the pressure, and I have purposefully led you into dead ends. You are starting to feel that you may be losing confidence in me, which has naturally, and conveniently, added to your pressure.


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"Consider this. Regardless of what has happened, regardless of how difficult your journey has been made, you have not given up. You have not discontinued your journey. You have no real concept of how much strength maintaining your journey has taken. Remember, you are still in human form with all that goes with experiencing a human existence. We have given you an opportunity to discontinue your journey many times, and you have always chosen to continue your journey. That you would make the choices which you have made was foreseen, which is why you were chosen. Nevertheless, they were choices which you have consciously made. You should marvel at your own strength. Soon you will rest. Soon you will understand how much strength your task has taken. Time and time again, I have indicated that your journey, or at least your journey to the summit will finish, and time and time again I have taken you down another path. When you are at the summit looking back down the path which you have travelled, you will see how much strength travelling your path has required."

The following morning, I was again at peace.


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