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Searching for My Soul
Book Three Understanding My Destiny

Slipping Out Of Phase.


I experienced another unusual night. I wanted to work, but God said, "Relax, rest. You have earned some rest, and you deserve some rest."

A little later God continued, "Your ship has now come in, your plane has landed, even though you may not know this yet."

It was the second night that I had been unable to sleep. Every time that I attempted to open dialogue with God, I was told to rest, but I could not sleep.

Every time that I asked for guidance, I was told to flow as I had been told during the previous night. Not sleeping in itself was by no means a problem to me, I knew that I would sleep when I was tired. However, I needed to attend the office the following day, which concerned me, but only from the perspective of my tiredness, or potential tiredness. I was certainly not worried about having to attend the office, but having to attend the office, was the only reason that I was concerned about my inability to sleep.

The next morning, I found myself drawn to write to a friend in New Mexico, and to explain to her about my experience with locating the real cause of my sinus pain.

Later, I spoke with a number of spirits of those who were still on the earth plane, and I clarified a few points in respect of our experiences together.


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I reflected that several months earlier I would have been staggered at the implications of being able to speak with the spirits of those who were still on the earth plane. I realised that although I had believed that I knew so much, I had absolutely no idea of the potential of reality. Even so, I had no concept of how much more there was to experience.

Later that day, I was standing in the courtyard at the office. It was becoming another 'strange' day, and I was becoming tired. I looked into the sky and I saw an aeroplane. As I looked at the aeroplane, I saw an explosion and the tail fall off of the aeroplane. I asked, "Is that going to happen?"

God replied, "Yes, but not on this flight. In the future."

"Can I foresee future disasters and the like?"

"Yes, but foreseeing future disasters is not your path, foreseeing future disasters is the path of others."

I talked with my business partner for a while, and then unable to fight off my tiredness any longer, I went home. I was suddenly less tired.

I asked, "Why was I tired?"

God responded, "So you would go home."


"So you would rest, today is a big day."


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It proved to be a fascinating afternoon and evening. It seemed that wherever I turned, something was not happening as I would have liked. Everything was difficult, even the simple things. Nothing was smooth.

I said, "Fascinating."

God replied, "Fascinating, it that all you have to say?"


The pattern of the day continued. God told me to check my messages, but there were no messages. God had led me to believe that something would occur that day to resolve my financial difficulties.

I collected my mail. There was another letter from Katerina. I had received two letters from Katerina on successive days posted a week apart.

When I was thinking about not having any messages from my agent and God asked, "How do you feel?"

I replied, "Disappointed, but it does not matter."

"Why do you expect yourself to be perfect? You are not a master."

I spoke with the translator who could not translate either letter that day, which meant that I would not know what Katerina had said for a week, as I was going away. I knew that if I was meant to know what Katerina had said in her letters, I would know. I did not allow the delay in the translation of Katerina's letters to concern me.

"Why aren't you depressed? Why aren't you sulking?"

I wondered what the purpose of this particular experience was.

"You will receive news tonight."


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I questioned whether I was being given an experience.

"You have already experienced expecting and not receiving."

"Yes. More than once, and I have experienced everything coming together, and then falling apart again."

"Yes. So what is there left to experience?"

"I do not know."

"It is all right to feel disappointment. How else would you truly experience joy, when everything does come together?"

"I understood that events or experiences were not supposed to affect me."

"Being affected or not affected by events or experiences is not the point. You have no reason to focus on negatives, and you certainly are better off if events or experiences do not consume you. However, you must feel. If you do not feel, how do you experience?"

I did not see the progression immediately, but I began to feel a little depressed. Some events occurred to remind me of my financial difficulties, which would worsen if I did not receive news or a solution soon. Nearly one thousand dollars had 'disappeared' from my bank account. I had barely enough money to survive on until I got paid. I could not pay my rent. I was torn between trusting God, and feeling irresponsible. It was only later that day, that I saw that I had been 'pushed' into feeling depressed.

I relaxed and I watched a movie. I was determined that I was not going to be concerned by the events within my environment. I had felt disappointment, and feeling disappointment should have been enough.

In the middle of my disappointment, and slight depression, God asked, "When you get the news, who will you tell?"


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Later, I realised that I had flowed with my disappointment. I did not fight my disappointment, and I certainly did not embrace my disappointment. I received a pleasant surprise. One of Katerina's letters was translated after all.

I reflected that not so long ago, I would have been almost frantic at not getting Katerina's letters translated. At this point not getting Katerina's letters translated meant nothing, because I knew, on all levels of my existence, that everything would be all right. I have experienced that whenever I knew that everything would work out, everything did work out. I was now experiencing the application of my awareness.

Nevertheless, I did not believe that everything could be all right, although I knew that what I believed, had no relevance in reality. I considered everything, and I knew that a part of me still did not believe all that I had experienced, and was continuing to experience. Regardless of what I believed, everything that I had experienced had happened, and I could not dispute what I had experienced.

What I was left with, was the experience of knowing that what I believed, or did not believe, had no impact on reality.

I was even more surprised at receiving the second translation. As always Katerina's words touched my heart. I rang Sally to share Katerina's letters with her. Sally made the observation that Katerina and I wrote letters in a very similar style, which I had not noticed, until Sally had mentioned it. Not for the first time, I would be glad that I had shared one of my experiences with Sally.

I wrote a few letters and I relaxed before I went to bed, and finally slept.

I continued to struggle with all that was occurring. I did not know what I was supposed to do, and I had difficulty understanding what the purpose of that day's events had been. Mostly, I was out of phase.

God said, "Search your soul."


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I was trying to understand what I was supposed to do, but I was at a loss.

"You do not have to do anything, I have made the promise to you, to all. It is not that you have to be what is described in the commandments, it is that you will be what is described in the commandments."

I again slept. I awoke a few times, and slept some more, until I slept a lot later than I should have. Coincidentally my friend Christina called me at the latest time that I could get up, to fulfil my commitments of that day.

The first thing that I did was check my messages but there was nothing, even though God had convinced me that I would receive a solution to my difficulties, probably by way of sale of my book, and that I would know how my difficulties would be resolved, that night.

I was trying too hard to understand the purpose of the experience. I knew that there was some point which I was missing, but I could not understand what the point was. I continued to reflect on what my experience, despite having a lot to do that morning, and little time to do it in, before I went away with Rose and my boys for a short holiday.

This pattern which I was experiencing had repeated many times. I would Expect news which I would not receive, but I would subsequently receive the news which I had been expecting, when I did not expect to receive news. I could see the parallels between my previous experience, and my current experience, and I could apply my experience.

There were other occasions when I was told that something would occur on a certain day, and that something did not occur on a certain day. However, on those previous occasions I had known that the something would not occur on the certain day. I suspected that on this occasion, I had also known that I would not receive the news, that I was waiting for, despite being told that I would receive the news, which was why I had experienced doubt.

I searched my soul. I knew that everything would work out, and I had no doubt, or no real doubt. I also knew that the timing of events did not matter. I knew that the worse that could happen, would not be something that could destroy me.


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I continued to have some difficulty understanding why I had mounting pressure on my financial position. Each day, my financial position became worse.

From the financial point of view, the worse that could happen was that I would lose everything, and I knew that 'everything' was really nothing. I knew that I could, and would, live with losing everything, if I was meant to lose everything.

I was beginning to understand that I was constantly 'setting myself up', by asking for and being given, an exact date. Whatever I was seeking would not occur on the date which I was given. Each time that I did 'set myself up' in this way, I did handle the experience better, but it was in my best interest to stop seeking to know the timing of events, which I knew was what I was teaching myself.

I knew that I needed to allow everything to happen, and I knew that I needed to stop attempting to make anything happen. I knew from experience that nothing could alter the timing of events that were to occur, and that continually seeking ways to alter the timing of events that were to occur, was not the answer.

Coincidentally, I would be away for the next four days, and as such there was nothing that I could do. I would not be able to check my messages, or receive mail. I did have an opportunity to set myself up again, by flowing for four or five days and expecting everything to occur while I was away, and be waiting for me when I returned home.

As I slowly went about my business, I was given a message to; 'allow everything to happen'.

God said, "You are still seeking that magic moment. Allow everything to happen. There is no magic moment. Finish your journey. You are focusing on the wrong plane."


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I asked, "What am I to do?"

"Search your soul, and continue searching you soul."

"At the moment, I feel as if I am damned if I do, and I am damned if I don't."

"You know that you are not damned, no one is damned except that they choose to damn themselves. Damnation is but an illusion. Have no concern for what you do, or what occurs around you. All is for a reason. You know that all is for a reason, you have experienced that all is for a reason. Apply your knowledge."

I was running late. I had much to do before collecting my Rose and my boys.

"You are concerned that you are running late, but everything is, as everything should be. How can you run late for anything?"

Now that was a very good point. "But if I am expected at a certain time for a meeting or whatever, people are angry and frustrated if I am late."

"How do you know that those people have not chosen to experience anger or frustration, and have solicited your assistance, on the spirit plane, to facilitate their chosen experience?

"You have some business meetings next week, and you think; 'the business meetings do not matter, I will not be within the business next week', but you have thought that you will not be within the business next week, time and time again and you have been wrong. Sooner or later you will be right. However, the point is that the business meetings do not matter, regardless of whether you are within the business next week' or not. You know this."

"Yes, but I am not applying my knowledge."

"Do not punish yourself. You do apply your awareness most of the time. Now you will either experience applying your awareness all of the time, or experience applying your awareness some of the time. The choice is your's."


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"So everything is, as everything is meant to be."

"Of course, everything is always as everything is meant to be. Accept that everything is always, as everything is meant to be, and do not dwell on how anything is meant to be. Everything is so. Allow everything to be so."

"And allowing everything to be so, is how I will step onto the summit?"

"Allowing everything to be so, is the only way that you can step onto the summit."

"I know."

"You do indeed know. You have taken another detour, that is all. Have you forgotten your choice to take detours?"

"You always seem to have convenient explanations, even when you contradict yourself."

"As I have said, what else do you expect?"

I decided to try my messages once more before I left. I did not think for one minute that I would find anything. I never had experienced finding any result that I was seeking, desperately at the last minute. I doubted that I was doing the right thing.

"Check your messages, or do not check your messages. All is correct. There is no right or wrong, only experience."

There were no messages. I felt nothing, I had not expected to feel anything.

"Always you have expectations. You either expect something, or you expect nothing. You yourself know, you yourself have said, not to have expectations. Can you not see that to expect nothing, is still to expect.

"Allow everything to be, as everything is, not as you want everything to be. By allowing everything to be as everything is, and only wanting everything to be as everything is, everything will be as you want. If you desire to step onto the summit, allow yourself to step onto the summit by allowing everything to be, as everything is.

"You cannot take another step, by wanting to take another step, or by making yourself take another step. Only by allowing yourself to take another step, will you take another step."

I thought that I had been set up.

"All that you have done is created, with my help, an environment in which to experience."


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"If not for the financial strain, the timing of events would not matter."

"Why then have you created the financial strain?"

"I was told to follow a course, and to have no concern about money."

"So you were, and so you are."

The day continued with sporadic conversations with God, as I went about my business.

For most of the day I was relaxed, although I did have one moment when I became agitated. My view of the world continued to be bright. I continued to see everything, and as always happened when I was out of phase, which I was that day, I was amazed at the beauty of the world.

I was out of phase, so communication with God was difficult, but communication with God was possible. I was continually told to search my soul, and to look deep, very deep.

I was also a little stunned. I had been travelling fairly smoothly for some time, and it seemed that I was intentionally pushed down, after viewing developments as fascinating rather than feeling any concern or worry. I knew that I was fairly close to the issue, but I also knew that I was still missing the point.

Everything was exactly as everything was meant to be, which meant that I was experiencing, what I was meant to be experiencing.

I knew that the point which I was missing was something to do with wanting events to happen. I also knew that what I wanted, from the perspective of the earth plane, was not relevant. What I was experiencing, was a result of the choices which I had made throughout my existence, and the choices which I would make, and which had been foreseen.


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Everything that was happening was in my interest, I was gaining experience which was all that was important, and I knew that I had no reason for concern. However, I decided to look at the issue to determine, if possible the point which I was missing.

In all honesty, there were three issues which seemed to be the cause of my difficulties, all from an earth plane perspective, and all financial in nature.

My financial position was critical. I had debts which I could not repay. Mostly through juggling, and running out of balls to juggle. I could not pay last month's rent, and this month's rent was due. Most of my difficulty could be attributed to the financial cost of my journey. I would have been struggling a little without the added financial strain caused by my journey, but with the financial strain caused by my journey, I had reached breaking point.

The second issue was Katerina. I needed to be able to meet Katerina in Paris, as I had arranged to do, following the instructions which I had received from God. If I had been told to make no commitment to Katerina, I would have made no commitment to Katerina. I had been told to 'make no commitment without referring to the source' and I had only done what God had told me to do.

The third issue was minor in the scheme of things, and the third issue did not matter in reality. I was still attached to the business. I did not want to be involved with the business, and I had not wanted to be involved with the business for some time. I had remained involved with the business, on advice from the Native American spirit guide and master Sitting Crow.


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  Having identified the three issues which seemed to be the cause of my difficulties, I decided to attempt to understand why I saw the issues as potential problems.

Firstly, my financial position was a potential problem, because I was at breaking point. The worst thing that could occur was that I lost all of my possessions, which did not concern me. I had thought about the possibility of losing all of my possessions very hard, and there was honestly not one thing that I owned which I could personally not live without.

My main concern in respect of my financial position was for Rose and my children. Rose and my children would lose their home as well. So far I had managed to prevent my financial difficulty from touching Rose and my children. It could be that Rose had chosen to experience losing her home, and it could be that I had chosen to experience being unable to support my children. I did not understand why I would have chosen to experience being unable to support my children, I knew that I had experienced being unable to support my children in previous lifetimes.

Katerina was my soulmate. I loved Katerina accordingly. I could live without Katerina. I could wait and connect with Katerina in the future. My concern was for Katerina. Katerina had borrowed money to meet me, and Katerina lived in a difficult area of the world. I had only told Katerina, what I had been told to tell Katerina, and no more. I was concerned for Katerina and I did not want to let Katerina down. However, Katerina may have chosen to have her dreams shattered.

That I did not want to remain within the business was a minor issue. I had been back in the office for several months, and I had done whatever I had been directed to do. I had not attended the office on many occasions, and I could not see how my continued absence from the office would be tolerated for much longer. The worst case scenario at this stage was that I would have to be in the office, all day, every day. The problem that I had, was that my journey was keeping me away from the office. I could leave the business, and from my viewpoint leaving the business would not cause a problem, except for my commitment to support others.


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  The worst case scenario for me, was that I declared bankruptcy, rented a room somewhere, and lived on unemployment benefits. I could rent a room somewhere, or I could live in an old van near a beach, and continue writing. I could always have access to Nancy's computer to type.

I would give up everything for myself, if God asked me give up everything, and I would continue doing God's work. To be fair, I did not believe that my journey would require me to give up everything. However, if I considered the other side of the coin, I had already given up my dream, but I had been forced to give up my dream.

As I considered the three issues which seemed to be the cause of my difficulties, it was apparent that my concern was for the well being of others, not myself. I knew that my concern did not extend to compromising myself, because I knew that I would not compromise myself, for anyone.

I wondered if my concern for others extended no further than what others would think of me. I did not think that my concern for others was so shallow. I considered the option, because people had accused me of wanting others to think good of me as a motive for my generosity. I would not be honest, if I said that I did care if people thought ill of me, because I did not like people thinking ill of me at all. My real motive was to give people joy, and share in that joy, but not at the cost of compromising myself.

If people liked me, good and if people did not like me so be it. If I could give people joy, without compromising myself, I did. If I needed to compromise myself to give another joy, I did not.


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  No, my concern for those who would be hurt, if I was to lose everything was genuine. The fact that no others had really suffered because of my journey was fact. I did not believe, feel or know that this would change. In fact, I knew the opposite.

I will readily admit that I wanted the 'good things' to happen, I wanted joy, fulfilment, and completion. I was, after all, still attached to the earth plane. However, to be fair to myself, I wanted joy, fulfilment, and completion more so that I could help others. I knew that I would use far more of what I was to receive financially, to help others than I would for myself.

I again considered the events of the previous day. I had known that I would not receive any news that day. I also considered the big picture. I did not really doubt what I had experienced up to this point, I did not doubt that all would be well, I did not doubt that I would be with Katerina, and I did not doubt that I would spend my life as a teacher.

In many ways, what I was currently feeling reminded me of when the stress was forced upon me. I could not work. I felt that some point was being made, and despite my analysis of the issues which were causing me concern, I was missing the point.

I had been given an opportunity to obtain some funds the previous day, but I had directed the funds against some money which I owed, as I had been told to do. I had also known that directing the funds against some money which I owed, was the right thing to do.


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  I knew what my dilemma was, or I was close to knowing what my dilemma was, from the earth plane perspective. I was out of phase in a big way, but I was not depressed, so my lesson was not a hard lesson. I was concerned about little for myself. I supposed that the only real concern which I had, was a concern of the timing of future events.

I did know that a solution to my difficulties, would present itself at the last minute, and I had been told not to concern myself about the delays. I knew that what I had been told about the future was correct.

I did not know why I felt like I did, or even how I felt. I was a little frustrated at the delays, and I did have my neck pain which had originally been caused, in the lifetime when my frustration had caused my death.

What I think concerned me the most, was that I was out of phase. It was time to take up the masters' offer of help. I decided to go to the beach, to walk alone and to talk with the masters for awhile.


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  I did not know that my experiences of that day were telling me something very important. My experiences of that day were preparing me for what I was yet to face in the future, but I did not know what I would face, or even that I was being prepared. However, when the time arrived I was prepared.

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