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Searching for My Soul
Book Two Seeking the Knowledge Within

Stepping Up to the Plate.

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I knew that it was time to finally release my remaining fears.

I took a deep breath, I stretched, I looked the pitcher in the eye without wavering, and I took a confident stride to the plate.

I glanced around and my eyes rested for a moment over the scoreboard as I visualized the ball disappearing over the top. I would walk my home run.

I focused on the pitcher again, never taking my eyes from the pitcher's eyes, seeing in the pitcher's eyes the type of pitch he would throw. I took another deep breath and then relaxed. The pitcher wound up and fired the ball into me.

I received a message about my soulmate, I knew that the message was a warning, but I did not fully understand the message at first. The timing of the message was absolute, some sort of last minute test and an opportunity to respond with either fear or love.

The message was, 'Caution…. Do not make commitments without first seeking the source from which they come'.

As soon as I read the message, I knew that God was the source, and I knew that I needed to take the message at face value. Whatever commitment I had made to that point had only been after seeking guidance from God. The commitment I was now faced with related only to the timing. Did I commit to the timing now, regardless of my financial position, or did I wait until the financial issues were resolved? I had been battling with this question for days, and it had been a major source of my frustration. I finally had my answer. 'Wait.'

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I was concerned that the answer that I had understood, was no more than what I wanted to understand, and that maybe I had given myself the wrong answer. I considered consulting Sue for clarification.

I picked up a book. I read one page of that book at random. Coincidentally, the page referred to fear and love, and that fear attracted fear, but only love was real. A stark reminder and a key to the real issue here.

God said, "You have understood correctly."

I questioned my understanding.

God repeated, "No, you have understood correctly.

"Your fear of making another mistake has been thrown at you. Much of what you have endured in the past has been because you never truly believed you could be happy in a relationship. When you had a relationship that was all that you had ever wanted, you believed that your relationship was too good to be true, and yes, the 'last' love refers to that relationship, as you suspected.

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"That relationship was not meant to be, but the relationship was essential. That relationship was exactly as the relationship was meant to be, have you not been told this already? The purpose of the relationship was many faceted, but understand that your experience of feeling 'it was too good to be true', was solely so that you would understand what you have been doing all of your life, because you knew that this point in your life, would arise. Experience and preparation.

"Have confidence, you know that this current relationship, and all that is occurring, is not too good to be true. It truly is your time, and nothing is too good to be true. Have patience. You will know when it is time to act.

"Be patient. You have been shown options so that you would know that options exist, and that temporary relief to your financial burden can be obtained if needed. I tell you, you only need to be patient for a little longer. Draw comfort from knowing that the temporary solutions exist, that is why the temporary solutions exist. You will know when it is time to act."

Referring to many events which I had thought that I had understood, but I had not understood, I asked God, "Why have you misled me?"

"Have I misled you? It is you who have misled yourself. Listen carefully to what I tell you, and make what I tell you no more than it is.

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"You cannot foresee something, and make what occurs as you foresee. If you attempt to make what occurs as you foresee, you will change circumstances, which is why much is withheld. If you foresee something, you must allow what you foresee to be. Have you not experienced that you need to allow what you foresee to be? Allow what you foresee to be, do not make what you foresee be, because you cannot make what you foresee be, even if you try, especially if you try. Allow what you foresee to be.

"Consider the analogy which you have now created, you cannot make yourself hit the ball, you must allow yourself to hit the ball. You must allow your instinct to take over. Let it happen, if you try to make it happen, you will swing in desperation and you will miss the ball. Trust your instinct, be watchful and your instinct will take over. Flow with your instinct. Do not attempt to drive your instinct."

Later that day I was troubled. I could feel myself starting to become concerned once more.

God said, "Do not search for answers that you already have."

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I understood that I had the answers that I needed, and yet I still wondered what I should do.

"You are in danger of taking your eye from the ball. Accept and allow. This is all you must do. You have all the answers which you need at this time. Review your notes, the answers are within your notes.

"Be patient, there is nothing more that you must do at this point. Repair yourself, you have done damage. You know what is to be. Allow what is to be, to be. What is to be is not wishful thinking. What is to be is so. Allowing what is to be, to be is your easiest path. Do anything other than allow what is to be, to be and again you will face difficulties.

"Understand what I say to you. Do nothing other than relax and review your notes. All that you need is contained within your notes. Do nothing else."

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I was given another key, and again I was told that by following the path which God had asked of me, I would receive joy.

God said, "Recall that knocking that you heard for many years when you had closed your conscious mind, but were not yet asleep? That was me, knocking at the door of your soul. How many years did I stand at the door and knock until you finally decided to open the door? Use this small example of the patience which I have shown towards you, and understand that the patience I ask from you now, is but a blink in comparison.

"How many times have I patiently answered the same question, because you chose not to listen? I have answered your questions. Can you not now wait patiently for what I have told you to transpire? When what I have told you comes into being, will you again say in amazement; 'God was right'? Continue to review your notes, my son. Accept who you are, and accept what you must do.

"See how slowly the ball in your analogy moves to you now? Be watchful for as soon as you avert your eyes, the ball in your analogy will regain speed. Accept your goodness, and accept what is to come.

"Matters are in train, but you must be ready, draw on what you have experienced and be ready. All answers are within your notes, review your notes and you will find the answers. You are focusing on other than your spirituality, you have been warned about focusing on other than your spirituality, heed the warning."

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I reflected on the current patterns that surrounded me. I would be at peace for a short time, and then something would occur so that I suddenly lost my peace. Again and again I experienced losing my peace. I knew that I needed to experience losing my peace. Losing my peace was something that I needed to understand, there was nothing that I could do except choose not to experience losing my peace. To choose not to experience losing my peace, all that I needed to do, was to be presented with the opportunity to experience losing my peace, and not accept the opportunity to experience losing my peace.

I had known a week earlier that events of that week would be as they were, and the appointment which I had with the Chinese medicine practitioner, Harold, could not have been better timed.

Harold initially diagnosed all that Sue had told me, and also that my spirit was broken. Harold was correct. Harold used various methods to address my problems. I said very little, which was what my instinct had directed me to do.

It was not until I completed my final review that I saw the connection between Harold's diagnosis, and God's comment that I had 'done myself damage'.

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As Harold worked on my body and my aura. I felt myself go to the edge of consciousness. I regressed.

It was the fourth century, northern China from what I sensed. I was in a temple that had been constructed from a large cave. There were large round columns at the entrance to the cave, they were more for decoration than functional. Inside, the cave had been squared with a flat ceiling and walls. The cave was lit by some sort of lamps. At the end of the cave there was a step, and a ledge with a simple altar. Some form of incense was burning.

There were five people in that cave, all were male. Four of them were kneeling around the altar, one was Harold the Chinese medical practitioner. I was unaware of any other link between us.

In front of the altar was a block of stone. It was around two meters long and one meter wide. I lay on that slab, naked.

I felt myself drift to the edge of consciousness in this time as well. My soul left my body and walked towards a squared cave entrance in the wall of the main cave. I had not seen this side cave before. I could not see inside the side cave, it was as if the side cave was full of fog. I slowly stepped inside the side cave. I was apprehensive. I only knew, that I needed to face my fear.

I did not recall what had happened after I had entered the side cave in that lifetime. However, I knew that in this lifetime, I would again enter the side cave.

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These events threw me off balance. I did not understand. I had been told to do nothing, other than review my notes. So why had this regression happened?

God said, "Still you do not listen. I told you to do nothing, to let everything be. I did not tell you that nothing would happen. Did I not tell you just this morning to listen to exactly what I say, and not to mislead yourself? How quickly you again chose to mislead yourself.

"The side cave that you entered was an illusion created by the incense. The side cave was not real, but you made the side cave real, through the power that you have, and all have. You were a priest, preparing to take final rights in the priesthood of that time and that culture. You entered that cave to overcome your worst fears, but you failed and through your failure your soul did not return to your body in that lifetime. The ceremony that you have recalled, was used in an attempt to remove humanity, and to make the priest holy. Those who truly believed that they would be made holy, failed and did not return to their bodies. Those who saw the illusion for what it was, did not fail, which was the irony of the ritual. You have long had that failure deep within you. You must again enter the side cave, and this time you must see the side cave for what the side cave is, an illusion. The darkness, and the shadows of the valley of death that are around you, are from this long ago incident. Allow yourself to re-enter the side cave, and have no fear. Allow is all that you need to do.

"You have experienced failure when facing your fears. A failure which you have carried with you, for a long time. Now, face your fears again, and experience success.

"A word of warning. You cannot force yourself back to this time. Allow yourself to travel back in time."

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Suddenly and unexpectedly I remembered what had happened after I had entered the side cave. At first I thought that I must be travelling back to that previous time, but I was not, I was remembering.

In the mist of that side cave, many people appeared. They were throwing rocks at me. I was naked and vulnerable. They shouted at me. I could not become holy, I was unworthy. I had betrayed the Christ. I panicked. I started to run, but I was hit in the head by a rock. I fell and adopted the foetal position. I lay there and allowed the crowd to stone me to death. I felt death wash over me. My final words in that lifetime were "God, the price you ask is too high."

I did not return to the side cave straight away. I wanted to return to the side cave, but I held off. I wondered how what had happened could possibly be real, and I felt fear encompass me. I began to fear that all that I had experienced had been an illusion. I felt the hand of fear reach out of the mist of that long ago side cave and grasp my heart. My fear grew, and still I waited until I felt the challenge of fear beckon me from the mist of that long ago side cave. It was almost time to return to that long ago side cave.

I prepared slowly. I did not wish to face my fears within the mists of a cave from another lifetime. I was frightened, scared that what was occurring was all in my imagination, and more scared that what I was about to experience was real.

As I was about to return to that long ago side cave, God said, "Remember what I have told you."

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I called my soulmate to me. I needed her support. Her soul joined mine, and together we crossed over. I struggled initially. I needed to overcome my fear that my soulmate was false, before she could join me.

We stepped out to face what needed to be faced as two entities, but we faced the challenge as the one entity that we were. Maybe this is what would make the difference.

I was gone for just over two hours, and when I returned I had no immediate memory of what I had experienced. I felt a combination of peace and numbness. I did not know or more accurately, I did not recall, what had happened.

My left hand was sore, and I knew that my left hand had been cut. I could feel the wound as if the wound was physical. I knew that I had carried a crystal sword for protection, and I knew that my crystal sword had been broken in the struggle. I knew that I would recall more of what I had experienced when I returned to the side cave, when I was ready. I asked God what had happened, and whether I had succeeded.

God said, "You are here, are you not?"

I knew that I needed to relax, and allow my memory, of what I had experienced when I returned to the side cave, to surface.

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I was tired and hungry. My legs felt weak and unsteady. I had difficulty understanding why it had been necessary to return to that side cave of centuries earlier. I knew that these rituals meant nothing, and I knew that such rituals were not needed, nor were the rituals real.

God said, "You are correct, but to you all those centuries ago, the ritual was real, and you experienced failure. The illusion needed to be re-experienced so that you could understand your failure, and so that you could experience success, which was necessary, to put the memory of your failure to rest."

I questioned God's comments which seemed contrary to what I had discovered from my lifetime as a Native American boy. I had understood that there was only one issue, which I could not overcome.

"Can you not see that it is the same issue, stemming from the same event? If you had released your fear when you had undergone the ritual centuries ago, you would have become a master, as you would have become a master when you were a Native American boy. You did not become a master on either occasion, because becoming a master on either of these occasions, was not your destiny."

I received a telephone call from Russia, the timing was impeccable. My soulmate and I said hello to each other, but then the line went dead. It was as if my soulmate was letting me know, that she was with me.

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My soulmate did telephone again later. We were attempting to finalize a date to meet, but I was awaiting guidance before I could make any commitment.

I could feel fear around me, but I knew that I had my answer, which was the answer that I had always had, 'Allow everything to happen.', which was all that I could do.

As I reviewed my notes, there were many concepts and events that I was reminded of, but the recurrent message which kept jumping out was; 'Do not worry, all will be well.'

God said, "Do you really think that I would tell you to do something, and not give you the means to that thing? Have no fear. Keep your eye on the ball!"

I thought about what had occurred in my life. It was hard to believe that it was only a little over two months since I had returned to the mountain when I had been a Native American boy. I had continuously told myself that if only I could pass this, or do that, everything would fall into place. Each time that I created such artificial motivation, I knew that I was setting myself up for another unpleasant experience. I would be best served if I avoided self created artificial motivation.

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I considered consulting Sue again the next day, but I was concerned because I had been told not to seek answers.

God said, "You have also been told that you do not have to complete your task alone, and that it is all right to seek help. Seek help, not answers.

"You have been given every indication that all that has happened is real. So tell me, what reason do you have to doubt?"


"Good, then do not doubt, and before you protest, it is that simple.

"Many have written about the spiritual side of spirituality, you describe the human side of spirituality. How could you describe the human side of spirituality without experience?

"Do you remember that I told you that yours was an unusual path? That you would take every wrong turn, and every detour? Did you think that I was joking? You have nothing to be concerned about. Endure for a short time longer. It seems like you have been Seeking The Knowledge Within for a very long time, but it has only been weeks since you began Seeking The Knowledge Within.

"You feel that you have been Seeking The Knowledge Within for years. Do you know why? What you have achieved in the last few weeks, many achieve in lifetimes. I told you that your experiences would be concentrated, although I did not tell you that the concentration of your experiences would increase.

"Relax and be at peace, all is well."

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The following morning, I still felt a little numb. I remembered no more about what had occurred in the side cave, but I knew not to push my recollection. If I was going to remember, I needed to allow the memory to surface.

I continued to debate whether I would consult with Sue or not. I decided to leave any decision to consult with Sue to fate.

God said, "You have learned not to worry about the 'bad' which is to happen, but you have not learned, not to worry about the 'good' which is to happen."

I reviewed and I considered everything that I had been told by God, what I knew myself, and what I had been told by various temporary bridges. My review added up to the same thing, 'everything was on track'.

My only real dilemma, was that I wanted to take firm positive action, but in truth, I was experiencing the same problem that I had experienced when I had fallen into the chasm. I wanted to do something, when the situation called for me to do nothing.

I could almost feel everything coming together around me, but what I could feel was tantalizingly close, and still out of reach. That my new world remained slightly out of my reach, was only a problem because somewhere inside of me, I had a belief that I did not deserve good things. I knew that whilst I hung on to the belief that I did not deserve good things, I would be waiting for something, expecting something, to go wrong.

I still did not quite understand the specifics, but I knew that I needed to rid myself of the belief that I did not deserve good things, before I could have the good things. If I did not rid myself of the belief that I did not deserve good things, I would get something very wrong, when I received the 'good things'.

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I had reviewed the issue of proof. I knew that no matter how much proof I had received, none had satisfied me. Every time I got some 'proof', I searched for more. There were too many coincidences, and too many experiences that had no other explanation than the experience was real, but I still searched for proof of my experiences. I would have thought that despite everything else, when Sue had relayed everything that I knew so precisely to me, Sue's words would have been more than enough proof, even for me.

The reality, the answer which I had known, and the answer which I had now experienced, was that 'no proof is possible'.

God said, "Many reading your words will be amazed that you were never satisfied. Many will see clearly from your words what was occurring, as you do when you read your words in hindsight. The point is that those who are seeking the truth, must apply what you have experienced, and review their own experiences to see the same patterns within themselves. I am not saying that any should learn from your experiences, but all should use your experiences, to learn from their own experiences."

I walked into the cave with my head held high. The crowd gathered and I faced the crowd with little fear. The crowd threw rocks which I fended off with the crystal sword, until the crystal sword broke, the blade cutting my hand which healed almost immediately, due to the power of the crystal.

I called to my friend for help, and Jesus appeared between me and the angry crowd. Jesus looked at the crowd and said, "Why do you condemn this man when I do not? He has done no more than fulfil the task I myself asked him to fulfil. If he had not fulfilled his task, the teachings that I delivered would have been lost for all time. How else would I have been remembered, and how would my teachings have been made available to all, who choose to see passed the dogma that has surrounded my teachings?

"Do not condemn this man, honour this man. Honour his courage for what he has done, and for what he will do."

The crowd dispersed and I stood facing Jesus.

Jesus said, "Do you not realize that the crowd was no more than your own fears manifesting themselves?

"Understand that although this was but an illusion, your fears were real to you. Go in peace now, and seal the cave and your fears behind you. This circle is now complete."

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I received another warning from the same source, that had warned me not to make any commitment. I was unsure about what I should do. I had been told not to seek answers, and yet I was being given questions. I picked up a book and read two pages, the message was clear. 'Trust your own experiences.'

My head was spinning. I had a headache and I was struggling to keep my eye on the ball.

God said, "I did not tell you not to seek answers forever, I told you not to seek answers yesterday."

Probably just because I needed her, Sally telephoned. I discussed my dilemma with her. Sally suggested that I do nothing, and wait for all to be revealed. In many ways Sally's suggestion paralleled what I had decided to do, and what God had suggested. Strangely I was surprised that I was at peace, with my eye firmly on the ball.

It is ninth century BC, I am Chinese, tall for a Chinese and slim. I am with a man who is also Chinese. We live together. The people in the village think we are brothers, but we are not. We are lovers. The man, who is my lover, is my soulmate. We are together and very happy, despite our difficulties because we are both men.

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My friend Christina telephoned me. Christina's message was clear. 'Stop being negative and accept what is happening, be excited. Nothing will happen until you overcome this hurdle.' I knew that Christina was right, and I knew exactly what Christina was saying.

I was not totally convinced that I needed to consult Sue after the messages which I had been given from Sally and Christina. I continued to leave the decision to fate.

I drove into the car park which was full, and as I drove into the car park, a car pulled out of a space adjacent to where Sue worked. I called into the shop where Sue was herself. Sue had an hour and a half before her next appointment. Fate had made my decision.

Sue explained that I was enduring a test of faith. She explained that I had my burdens as a test, and that I needed to endure. Sue confirmed that God was overseeing my interests, and that I was protected. Sue saw that the relationship with my soulmate was karmic, and that we would be together. Sue sensed no negative vibrations around the relationship, and confirmed that my soulmate and I were in constant spiritual contact.

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I did have a choice, but we would be together in either this lifetime, or the next lifetime. Sue explained that even if my soulmate lived on Mars, we would have found each other. Sue suggested that it was time for me to follow my heart.

I explained my confusion because of my lack of resources, but Sue just said that I could be given the resources two days before I needed them. Sue said that I would not be asked to do anything, without being given the resources to do whatever I was asked to do.

Sue told me not to worry, and all was well (Sue's choice of words astounded me). Sue told me that it was time to place myself entirely in God's hands. Sue explained that things were coming soon, and that I was going to fulfil my task. Sue suggested I should sit in the back seat, and observe everything around me.

Sue said, "You are very wise. You need to listen to yourself rather than others. Everything is necessary, and meant to be. All will occur, so do not worry about when. If you set timing and things do not happen, you will disappointed. So remember that 'when' does not matter. It does not matter what you are asked to do, or where you are asked to be, if you are sent somewhere it is to help those you are sent to."

Sue told me not to worry about my burden, because I would not be given a load that I could not carry.

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Sue then placed me in a deep healing meditation, and placed my chakras back into balance. Sue opened my awareness completely. Sue suggested that all things would now be able to come to me.

It was a very powerful time. Jesus appeared with some of the disciples. Jesus raised my soul and we embraced.

Jesus said, "Welcome back, my brother. The last of your fears have now been removed.

"You will be known, as I have been known."

I struck the ball and I watched the ball sail over the scoreboard, exactly where I wanted the ball to go.

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