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Connecting with the Higher Plane
Book Five Understanding Who I Am

Nothing Left


I knew that I needed to review my story at least one more time before sending it to the literary agent whom I had selected.

It did not surprise me that my previous literary agent had remained interested in my work, until my work was nearly finished (or so I believed) and then decided to pursue her own interests. Having my previous literary agent interested in my books, had given me the encouragement which I had needed to continue my journey to the higher plane. Nor did it surprise me that I had been led to a new literary agent upon the completion of my journey to the higher plane.

What did surprise me was that as I reviewed my work one more time, I relived my experiences. I experienced every emotion that I had felt when I had lived the events, which enabled me see, with a new clarity, exactly what I had experienced and why.

For several days I reflected on the new development of reliving my expereinces, and I believed that I was experiencing the final phase in my preparation. What I did not know, was preparation for what if anything, beyond being prepared to become who I am. However, I did not know what being prepared to become who I am would involve, and what I would choose to experience on the path to becoming who I am.

Each time that I re-felt my experiences, my awareness of my experiences increased, and as a result so did my overall awareness. In fact, I was surprised at the number of points that I had experienced during my journey, which I had not been fully aware of, even after I had found my way home to the higher plane.

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  Another experience which I had not anticipated, although the experience did not really surprise me, was that as I completed my review of my notes, my connection with my soul and my attachment to the fabric of existence diminished.

I saw much that I had previously not seen within my notes, but I saw what I had missed from an earth plane perspective, as I reviewed much of what I had endured during my journey.

During the period of my review, the financial pressure which I had endured throughout my journey continued to mount, until my financial pressure surpassed the pressures which I had experienced throughout my journey. Despite the mounting financial pressure, I did not and could not worry about the mounting financial pressure, even when I attempted to worry about the mounting financial pressure, and I did attempt to worry.

During my review, I began to complete my seventh book of insights which I had commenced a few months earlier, and which would become Chapter Seven of The Truth Of Reality.

I had occasion to consult Sue briefly as I conducted the review of my notes. It was not a consultation which I had sought, because I was not seeking answers or guidance. There were no startling revelations from my consultation with Sue, however Sue did explain to me exactly what I was experiencing at this time, which confirmed the reality of all that I had experienced, because what Sue explained was exactly what I was experiencing at the time.

The point being not what Sue explained to me, but the fact that Sue did explain exactly what I was experiencing to me, without my making any comment to Sue about what I was experiencing.

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As I continued my review, I continued to relive the emotions surrounding my journey step by step and as I did, events surrounding me whilst I was reviewing repeated or other events occurred to enhance what I was now experiencing through being directly related to the events which I 'happened' to be reviewing. Coincidentally, my financial pressures continued to mount, until there was no way out of my financial difficulties.

Several weeks after I had returned to the higher plane, I had reviewed Searching For My Soul. After I had forwarded Searching For My Soul to the literary agent whom God had told me would represent me, I received a note from her agreeing to act as my literary agent.

As a result of the continuing financial pressure and experiencing or re-experiencing all of the emotions from my journey, I was once more fed up and I wanted my journey to be over, but I did not worry. The repetition of events was such that I would even attempt to draw some funds from my bank account only to find no funds available for reasons which I could not explain.

God spoke with me occasionally, telling me 'not to worry' and that 'a solution would present itself soon'. I did not know what 'a solution would present itself soon' meant, but I knew not to allow myself to attempt to understand what 'a solution would present itself soon' meant, until it was time for me to understand what 'a solution would present itself soon' meant.

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As I reflect on the events which occurred during my review, I can see that the intensity increased as my review progressed. As I relived events which I had already relived, the intensity of the experience multiplied, with each time that the events repeated.

Spirits continued to surround me, including one who insisted on making a nuisance of itself, by continually moving little things around my home.

Katerina and I spoke on the telephone often, and our spirits were in almost constant contact. Mostly, the contact between our spirits was extremely powerful.

Whenever I had a question or sought clarification of a concept, God provided me with the answer, but it was apparent that I was required to complete my review solely from the perspective of the earth plane.

God had given me a time frame for my financial pressures to be relieved when I returned from Russia. As the weeks passed and the financial pressure continued to mount, God would repeat the time frame which God had given me, reducing the stated time frame to reflect the time that had passed. I recalled a conversation which I'd had with God prior to travelling to Paris when God had first told me when my financial pressures would be relieved, rather than stalled as my financial pressures had been on previous occasions. The timing which I had been given at that point, was exactly the timing I was given now, after making an adjustment for the passage of time.

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As I continued my review, I continued to relive all that I had felt and endured. I understood that reliving all that I had felt and endured was necessary to ensure that I was fully aware of all that had occurred, but my understanding did not mean that I enjoyed the experience.

I would not have believed that I would have been capable of re-experiencing the emotions which I had experienced during my journey after I had returned to the higher plane, but what I believed or did not believe was, as usual, irrelevant.

My financial pressures continued to mount, and funds in my bank account continued to either disappear temporarily, or become unavailable. Little things once more started going wrong around my home, as they had months earlier. Whatever it took to increase the pressure on me and to ensure that I really felt everything that I was re-experiencing. The fact that an ever increasing amount of pressure was required to affect me, was a double edged sword. As I reviewed my work and relived my experiences during this time, I was continually told to trust and have faith in God.

I did reach a point during this period where I once more despaired at this task which I had been asked to complete. Once again, I did not believe that I could endure any more, and I believed that I had endured enough. Once again, I asked God to take my task away from me.

I considered selling my possessions and going to be with Katerina, leaving my debts behind me. I knew that I had the choice to leave my world, but I believed that leaving my world was not my path.

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I once more reached the point of despair where I seriously considered finding my peace through termination of my physical body, but I knew that the termination of my physical body was not the solution. Whatever peace I found in 'death' would be temporary.

I once more began to question all that I had experienced, and I wondered if everything that I had experienced had been an illusion. I questioned the path which I had followed, and I questioned whether I had simply 'invented the whole thing'.

I wondered if I had 'gone off the rails' and placed myself in an untenable financial position and if I had created an illusion to justify everything that I had done to myself. I knew that many believed that this was exactly what I had done.

One thing that I could not dispute, was that funds had become available exactly when I needed funds, and exactly when God had told me that funds would become available. Receiving funds when God had 'promised' funds, was an expereince that had occurred time and time again through my journey.

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As I re-lived and re-felt my experiences and questioned whether my experiences had been an illusion, I recalled something which Sue had said a week earlier. 'You will doubt that all that has occurred is real, but do not doubt. You know that all that has occurred is real.'

It was not Sue's words in themselves which kept me going, it was the fact that they were Sue's words. How could Sue have known that I would shortly doubt that all that had occurred was real, if everything that I had experienced was an illusion, and if I had 'invented the whole thing'.

I knew that I would endure. I knew that I would not give up, in this lifetime. I had survived my difficult journey through despair previously, and I would endure my despair once more.

I would not have believed that I could have experienced such great despair, especially after reaching the higher plane, which I suspected, was exactly why I needed to experience despair at this point on my journey.

God said, "You are correct."

The fact that I had not been able to remove the extra weight which I was carrying particularly affected me during my times of difficulty and despair, conveniently adding to the pressure which I was imposing upon myself.

I reflected on all that I had experienced, and I knew that I could not possibly have 'invented the whole thing'.

God said, "Which is the point that you have been experiencing."

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I found myself questioning. I had returned to the higher plane several weeks earlier.

"If you had not believed that your story was over, you would not, you could not have experienced, what you have now experienced."

During this period I could see that Nancy was also experiencing a difficult time, but I knew there was very little that I could do to make Nancy's path easier. Nancy's answers would come from within herself, not from me.

Joe mentioned that something which I had told him would happen in his life, had not occurred. I reflected on why what I had forseen for Joe had not transpired. I recalled that I had given Joe a proviso. What I had foreseen for Joe was only going to occur if Joe released the old emotions which he was hanging onto like a security blanket. It was similar proviso to one which I had been given when I had received my first Tarot reading, many years earlier.

I reflected on the coincidence that I happened to reside in the same suburb where I had lived when my turning point had occurred, eight years earlier. The suburb which I had resided in when I had unsuccessfully attempted suicide.

I did not know what was occurring in Rose's life at this time, but I knew that if I was meant to know what was occurring in Rose's life, I would know what was occurring in Rose's life.

Having become aware of the point that I was experiencing, my peace once more returned. The timing which God had given me six months previously, and adjusted as time passed, for a permanent solution to my financial difficulties was now very, very near.

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  I did not know what to make of the aparent approach of a permanent solution to my financial difficulties. I was hopeful that a permanent solution to my financial difficulties would be provided, but I did not embrace a permanent solution to my financial difficulties as the only possibility.

My financial problems may have related only to the earth plane and as such by definition my financial problems were an illusion, but my financial problems certainly felt very real to me.

I knew that the earth plane is an illusion, but I also knew that the purpose of the earth plane is to experience. Experience must be felt and for experience to be felt, experience must feel real. I knew that experience must feel real and I knew that I, like all who are attached to the earth plane, was attached to the earth plane solely for the purpose of gaining experience, and therefore my earth plane experiences must feel real.

I knew that I would remain attached to the earth plane for several years, and I knew I would continue to experience whatever I needed to experience. I also knew that whether I enjoyed my experiences was irrelevant.

I did not know what I needed to experience, before I would experience a joy filled existence, and it is not knowing specifically what we will experience, which makes what we experience, experience.

I finally reached a point where I felt that I could not go on.

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  I guess a straw broke this camel's back once more. How I could reach a point where I felt that I could not go on, after all I had experienced I did not know, but I did reach a point where I felt that I could not go on.

God said, "Well, you are certainly dispelling a few myths."

This was an interesting comment and the significance of God's observation was not lost on me, but unfortunately, the comment in itself did not help me to continue my journey, or even want to continue my journey.

The pressure of balancing between two worlds and balancing my financial difficulties was finally too much for me to handle. I felt no despair, I felt no recriminations against God, I felt no concern. I had simply had enough, and I believed that I could not take any more. I did not have the slightest idea what to do next.

I accepted that all that had happened, had happened. I accepted that my path was such that I could not continue, and I accepted that my burden was too great for me to balance. It was time to look upon the spirit plane.

I sat down on my path looking neither forward or back. My vision was blurred by a numbness which went beyond confusion. It was a numbness of not being able to take another step, and not knowing which direction to head in even if I could have taken another step.

I could not review my notes, I could not work. I could not even reflect. I could do nothing.

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  Everything that I had been given to hold on to, everything that I had been given to keep me going had been removed, and all that I had left was a vague 'one week' statement from God. However, I was not strong enough even to hold onto that statement which had been offered to me. I refused God's words of hope.

I had finally been pushed to the point where I had nothing left. How I had been pushed to the point where I had nothing left, after I had completed my journey to reconnect with the higher plane was totally beyond my comprehension.

God said, "That you cannot comprehend what you have experienced, does not make what you have experienced any less possible."

The following morning God said, "Do not worry, only one more week."

This was an interesting comment because I was not worried. Either a solution to my financial problems was found, or a solution to my financial problems was not found. My situation was that simple. I saw no reason to worry about my financial difficulties, and I did not have the strength to worry about my financial difficulties, even if I had seen a reason to worry about my financial difficulties.

I only knew one thing for certain. Either something would happen in one week, or I was being given something to keep me going for one more week. It did not really matter which option was correct, I could do nothing, and I did nothing.

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  I was finally able to recommence my review. The first sentence that I read was; 'I had done all that had been asked of me, and I still got no relief from the constant pressure of balancing two worlds. I could not understand why I was being asked to endure, and all I wanted to do was run away.' I thought; 'That is a coincidence.'

As I recommenced my review I also reflected on all that had occurred. I reflected on all of my false beliefs and contradictions. I reflected that I seemed to change the way I viewed my environment constantly, and I reflected that much of my journey seemed to be confusion and contradiction. I thought; 'How can confusion and contradiction be the way of a master?'

God responded, "Confusion and contradiction is exactly the way of a master. We continue to dispel myths."

I certainly did not feel like a master.

"You feel exactly like a master. The earth plane is a mirror of reality. Whilst you exist on the earth plane, you exist within the reflection and whilst you touch the higher plane, you exist within reality. Think about this. How could existing in two places which are the reverse of each other, not be full of confusion and contradiction."

God certainly had a point.

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"You know that you are not special. You know that you must constantly balance the contradiction of the lower and higher planes, and that sometimes your burden becomes too great to balance. You think that you could not possibly be a master, but as I have repeated often, masters are no different. Masters are not special.

"How can one be a master when they hide from the experiences of the earth plane? The earth plane has been created solely for the purpose of experience. How can experience be gained if one hides from the earth plane? Experience cannot be gained if one hides from the earth plane, which is why it was important that you remained within an 'everyday' environment.

"Consider what you really seek. You do not seek to be provided for without working, you simply seek a different form of employment. Consider what you have been doing for well over a year. You have maintained your employment and you have effectively written eleven books. Have you not been working two jobs, one of them without financial reward. This second job, that of learning and teaching has forced you to incur more debt than you could service. This is fact.

"The pressure of balancing your employment from your old world with your employment from your new world has been enormous. Add to this the constant financial pressures directly caused by your employment as a teacher and the pressure which you have been asked to endure has been unbearable.

"Add to this the pressure of those around you believing that your mind is a little unstable. All of these pressures are compounded by the sense of responsibility and other aspects of the character which you selected for this lifetime and therefore for this role.

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"I tell you my friend, that you have no concept of how much inner strength has been required for you to come this far. Your journey has required much more inner strength than you knew that you possessed, because as I have said; you have no concept of how much inner strength has been required to complete this task.

"If you did not have the sense of responsibility within your character, you would have walked away from the responsibilities of your old world. You have the characteristic of responsibility so that you would not walk away from your responsibilities. It was important that you did not walk away from your responsibilities, because your example had to come from within the 'everyday' environment of the earth plane which is why you chose the character which you did.

"Surely with all that you have experienced, and with all that you have endured, with the constant pressure which has overwhelmed you on a number of occasions, and the fact that you have continued your journey despite the barriers which have been placed in your way, and the ever increasing burden which you have been asked to carry whilst you balanced on a narrow path between two worlds, surely when you consider all of these things, even you must now see that you are indeed worthy.

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"You desire to have the pressure removed. You desire to have your burden lightened. You desire to walk your path without the need to balance. It is a result of these desires that you consider yourself unworthy. You desire to be with Katerina. You desire to see those who have supported you repaid and their lives settled. It is because of these desires, you also feel unworthy. You desire to be able to spend quality and relaxed time with your children, which you cannot do because I have been constantly pushing you along the path, and for this you also feel unworthy. You feel unworthy because you have desires.

"Well my friend, let me tell you that your desires do not make you unworthy, only human and no different from another.

"Our point is that a master is no different from another, which is a point that we have made on a number of previous occasions.

"If I were to allow you to let your financial pressures to consume you, if following this path which I have asked you to follow led you to experience financial ruin from an earth plane perspective, who would choose to follow your example? Remember that all souls exist on the earth plane and within the earth plane perspective to gain experience, and for experience to be gained experience must feel real.

"Consider your current situation. You dislike your job, you dislike your home and you dislike not being with your wife, or even knowing when you will be together. You know that all of these things are experience, and that your experiences are necessary for you to experience all, and you know that each experience leads you closer to being one with the higher plane.

"However, despite what is believed by many, you are not required to like your experiences. You are only required to experience your experiences, and to experience your experiences, you must feel your experiences.

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"Not all experiences feel good. Being killed or having a loved one die is not a pleasant experience, because the experience feels real, but whatever occurs is only experience.

"Rest now, we will talk again soon."

I understood what God had said and the significance of what had been said was not lost on me, but if God's explanation was meant to be a pep talk, I did not feel much 'pep'.

A little after my talk with God, I commented to myself that; 'my life is pathetic.'

In line with the coincidences which had occurred since my recorded journey began, I had work that could be done at home on that particular day.

I was stunned. I could not understand how God had allowed me to be placed under more pressure than I could endure, and I did not believe that I could survive any more pressure.

Once more, my belief proved to be irrelevant. I received an unexpected account for another few thousand dollars and I also received an eviction notice from my home. Less than one year ago, it had been unconceivable to me that I could be evicted from a home, and now I had been evicted from a home twice in a six month period.

I suppose that God's point had been made. I could endure some more pressure. I had no concept of what I should do or when I should do it.

God said, "Do nothing for one week."

I thought; 'That is easy for you to say.'

"In one week your problems will be over."

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  This was fine for God to say, and maybe God was right, but I had experienced 'promises' to keep me going before. I felt like a donkey trying to reach a carrot suspended in front of me, but there comes a point when the donkey must be allowed to eat the carrot, or the donkey will not have the strength to continue.

I found myself thinking of Katerina, and wondering what right I had to bring Katerina, or to offer to bring Katerina, into the mess which was my world at that time.

I reflected that my financial difficulties had not affected either Katerina or Rose, which in itself was significant and staggering. In fact, other than myself, the only person who had been affected by my financial difficulties was Nancy, which was only because Nancy had needed to help me on my journey, and had made a conscious choice to help me on my journey.

I had no idea of what I could do about my situation, and therefore I had no other choice than to take God's advice and do nothing.

Strangely I was required to analyse some figures which could not be produced by either of two computer systems. I completed the analysis in twenty minutes.

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  I considered my journey. The views that I'd had from the summit, falling into the chasm, struggling back out again. I had travelled a long and difficult path up the mountain making many wrong turns and reaching many dead ends. I recalled the moments of indescribable joy, and the depths of despair as I was pushed to the brink.

My journey had taken every ounce of strength that I had, my journey had consumed all my persistence, and finally the last of my endurance.

I had now reached a point where my journey had consumed everything I had. I had nothing left.

Despite having nothing left, I did continue to flow with what was occuring.

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