Who I Am
I found Sue's message in my mind; 'When it is time, God will cut through the red tape'. I glanced at the notes which I would shortly be reviewing, they were from the day before I had visited Sue and she had passed that message on. Now that was a coincidence.
It seemed that every time that Katerina and I had found a way to streamline our communication, something had occurred to disrupt our lines of communication and communication had become difficult again.
I reflected on my employment. In any other circumstances, I would have found alternate employment, got my teeth into my new job and made a difference. This time I could not seek alternate employment, because I needed to maintain my employment as it was so that I could continue to maintain an income, whilst I completed my task.
I had no home, and I had financial burdens that I could not even come close to managing. I had a job that I detested, and there was only a 20% chance that my wife would join me at all, with almost no chance that my wife would join me by Christmas.
Strangely, I knew that my environment was the perfect environment for me to experience who I am. The fact that I knew that all of the difficulties that I was faced with were illusions, and that I saw my difficulties as illusions, made facing my difficulties easy. However, I would soon need to address my financial difficulties.
By this time I did know that 'God would cut through the red tape' meant simply that God knew what was going to occur.
I did not feel that I needed to 'do' anything about any of my difficulties, other than to allow events to develop. It could be that I would need to do something in another day or another week, but at this point in time I needed to 'do' nothing.
I considered the pace of my journey and specifically the previous few weeks since I had begun this book. The pace of my journey had been faster than the pace of my journey had been at any point in my journey. However, I barely noticed the pace of my journey. I accepted the pace of my journey, be it fast or slow.
God said, "You will be settled in a new home with Katerina by Christmas."
It was a year to the day since I had returned from my first trip to England, which was around half way through my first book, Searching For My Soul, and a year later I am approximately halfway through my fifth book, Understanding Who I Am. I would not have believed a year earlier that it would have been possible for all that had occurred, to occur in just one year. I was attempting to ignore God's comment. Everything would be as everything was destined to be and I would accept whatever occurred and continue my journey. I had passed the point of questioning how much I could endure, which is one answer that I did have.
God said, "Brian, I am telling you that you will be settled, and happy in a new home with Katerina before Christmas."
I thought; 'maybe'. It was possible that what God said was correct, but it would be extremely tight even if Katerina did obtain her visa. I knew that everything would be all right and suddenly I had no need to hold onto God's promise to keep me going.
As events transpired, I was not settled into a new home and Katerina was not with me by Christmas, nor had either of these two events occurred when I reviewed these notes two months later. Coincidentally, I 'happened' to review these notes on another day when God had told me my difficulties would be resolved and once again God's promise of a solution had not eventuated.
It was not until I reviewed this part of my notes that I really began to understand the exact point that I had been missing.
God said, "Now that your review is almost over, do you see the magnitude of what you have experienced in the previous year? Do you understand the significance of your task?"
|I did understand. I was surprised at the sudden
development, of my not wondering how much I could endure or needing to hold
onto God's promise. I would complete my task and I would experience all
that was left to experience. This was fact, and it was that simple.
I anticipated that I would be reminded of my difficulties throughout that day. I was not filled with pressure to overcome my difficulties or react to my difficulties in any specific way. I would experience what I needed to experience. It was that simple.
I did know that my journey had only been a little over a year in duration, which was not a long time even from the earth plane perspective. However, I also knew that I had lived the experiences of many lifetimes during that year, so my journey was 'long' from any perspective.
The 'fluttering' within my body remained.
God said, "All must be experienced within the earth plane. Do not lose sight that both salvation and reward must be experienced on the earth plane. Do you not find your reaction to the developments of this day fascinating?"
I thought about God's question for some time before answering. I replied, "No, because I know that my current environment is not real."
"The earth plane is not real."
"No, but the earth plane must feel real and the earth plane does feel real. What I am now experiencing is an illusion within an illusion."
"What does 'an illusion within an illusion' mean."
"The experience is not a real experience. The experience is not something that I need to experience. My environment is an environment to keep me on my path and keeping me on my path is my environment's only purpose."
"Maybe your assessment is no more than a 'cop out', maybe you are refusing to accept reality."
"Many would view my response as a cop out. However, the opposite is true. Your suggestion is a mirror image of the truth, caused by the mirror effect of the earth plane."
"Do you think that you will remember this?"
"I am aware of what is happening and I will now experience being aware of my awareness. If I need to lose sight of my awareness for a short time to experience awareness of my awareness, I will lose sight of my awareness."
"Why do you not need to experience what is occurring? Why does your environment not seem real?"
"I am experiencing what is occurring and I am aware of what is occurring. I am experiencing who I am. I am not experiencing who I am not."
"That sounds like a contrite explanation to me."
"I had a good teacher. I am experiencing being aware of who I am and to fully experience being aware of who I am I need to experience being aware of who I am from within an environment of who I am not. I am experiencing exactly what I need to experience."
"You are very sure of yourself."
"Yes, it is a surety born from experiencing all things."
"The surety of a master?"
"And you are no longer dissatisfied with your environment?"
"I do not currently enjoy my environment, but that whether I enjoy my environment is not relevant. It is the environment that I have created to experience who I am."
"Would it not be more enjoyable to experience who you are from within your new environment?"
"Yes, but that would alter both my experiences and my example. I will create my new environment, I will build my new environment on the foundation that I have already created when it is time to do so."
"Time does not exist."
"Time is an illusion, but time does exist on the earth plane."
"Why does time exist on the earth plane?"
"Because the earth plane and time are both linear."
"You are now experiencing the illusion, but does the illusion not need to seem real?"
"Yes. The illusion does need to seem real, but I am experiencing the reality of who I am. I am not experiencing the illusion of who I am not, and as such the illusion does not seem real."
"So you no longer need the illusion."
"I need the illusion, but I need the current illusion only so that I can see that it is an illusion. Everything, the very nature of the earth plane, is illusion and I will create environments within that illusion as and when I need to experience the environments."
"Did you not say that you have experienced all things?"
"Yes, and for all intents and purposes I have experienced all things, but I refer to all things who I am not. I have become who I am, but I am yet to experience who I am."
"Yes that makes sense, but for how long will you experience who you are?"
"What is 'long'. I have not experienced who I am so I do not consciously know exactly what I need to experience. I will experience who I am for as long as I choose to experience who I am."
"And then what?"
"Then I will return to the higher plane and exist totally within the higher plane."
"So you will continue to experience who you are?"
"No. I will be who I am, but I will have already experienced who I am. I will have already felt who I am on the earth plane. The earth plane is the only plane where I can experience who I am."
"You are wise."
"Wisdom is relative. I am simply experiencing and I am aware of my experiences. To say that I am wise, you imply that I am different or more wise than others. This is not so. The wisdom of existence is within all. The difference is awareness, not wisdom."
I did consider the possibility that perhaps Katerina was other than she appeared. I considered that Katerina may have been in my life to give me some hope, and to stop me from straying from my path.
This was the beginning of many questions I would ask in respect of Katerina. Even after I had answered my questions, it would be two months before I understood the real reason why I was asking the questions, or more accurately who was placing the questions in my mind.
It would be many months later before I would understand that the soul who was placing the questions in my mind was attempting to help me.
Katerina had her interview with immigration the previous day, which was coincidentally a year to the day when I had first 'found' Katerina. I had considered the possibility of Katerina not being what she seemed, because I needed to consider the possibility, but my own experiences at a spiritual level told me exactly who and what Katerina was, because I had no other explanation.
However, Katerina being other than she appeared did remain a possibility. I sought guidance.
God responded, "It is now time for you to provide the answers. Is Katerina your soulmate?"
I did not answer immediately. Instead I allowed myself to draw on my experiences.
I eventually replied, "Katerina is who I want. My experiences indicate that Katerina is my soulmate, but perhaps we should explore the answer to your question step by step."
"That is a wise position to take. What do you feel?"
"My feelings are mixed. I need to view the question from a number of perspectives."
"I am not going anywhere. Do you miss Katerina?"
"I miss Katerina's companionship. I miss Katerina's physical presence. I miss the joy we experience together on occasions. I miss Katerina's tenderness that I have experienced and I miss Katerina's child-like awe at life. However, I do not miss Katerina because Katerina is always with me. I feel Katerina's presence within me, because Katerina is a part of me."
"Do you wish that Katerina was with you at the moment?"
"From the perspective of what I am to experience yes, but from the perspective of what I have been and am currently experiencing, no."
"I would not be able to give Katerina the attention that Katerina will require. Realistically, Katerina will be in a foreign country, speaking a foreign language, with no friends or family other than me. I would not be able to give Katerina the support she will need, because of my need to balance between two worlds."
"So that explains the latest development in respect of Katerina's visa."
"Yes and no. It could have been simpler to provide Katerina with a visa effective in (say) one month's time."
"Yes, but would providing Katerina with a visa effective in one month's time have made a difference?"
"Yes providing Katerina with a visa effective in one month's time would have made a difference. I would not have experienced doubt and I would not have been required to answer these questions."
"So why did you doubt?"
"I suspect that my doubt was a product of what I am experiencing. If you recall I knew that I would experience such difficulties to allow me to experience awareness of my awareness."
"In addition to reliving and reviewing your notes, you have recently reviewed all that you have written to Katerina. What did the review of all that you have written to Katerina tell you?"
"That Katerina is in fact everything that you said she was."
"So when you wondered why you were reviewing all that you had sent Katerina, there was a reason?"
"Yes, my review of all that I have written to Katerina was to assist me to understand and be aware of Katerina's identity in preparation for answering these questions."
"That sounds very convenient."
"What else would you expect?"
"Is Katerina your soulmate?"
"I believe so."
"You are still not sure? Tell me what do you see when you look to your future?"
"I see Katerina's presence in my life."
"How many times have you experienced something and seen yourself experiencing that thing again in the future with Katerina?"
"And still you are unsure?"
"I am a little unsure, yes."
"I do not know."
"You do know. Take some time and allow yourself to see why you remain unsure."
I left the issue alone at that point. I would revisit the issue after I had allowed the answer within to surface.
Throughout the day I was repeatedly provided with opportunities to experience my awareness, including a requirement to have a number of meetings with Marie. As I encountered each opportunity to experience my awareness, I smiled knowingly to myself.
I said, "I am unsure because I am concerned that I have rationalised what I want."
God replied, "As you have done before?"
"As I was conveniently reminded. However, the misconception that a soul with whom we are closely linked is our soulmate is a common misconception on the earth plane."
"And my experiences in respect of Marie were a convenient way to demonstrate this point as part of the example."
"So why do you have a little remaining doubt in respect of Katerina."
"My doubt remains for two reasons, firstly it seems that we are prevented from being together at every turn. Secondly being together with my soulmate is beyond my experience, and point of reference."
"Firstly, have we not established why you cannot be together at this time?"
"Yes we have."
"Secondly, nothing is beyond your experience."
This threw me a little. I was caught between asking questions and providing answers. My head was spinning. I needed to slow down a little to meditate.
I immediately became aware of another coincidence. The previous evening I had arranged to see Jane this evening for a variety of reasons. One of which was to show her my wedding video. It was something that we had attempted to arrange on a number of occasions since my return from Russia. However, I had been unable to keep to the arrangement for one reason or another until this very day.
I immediately thought about the lifetimes in which Katerina and I had been together as husband and wife. They had been very happy times for me. I had obviously experienced being with my soulmate although at those times when we had been together, I had not been aware of her identity.
It was a warm day. I was an Asian man. I had a shaved head. I was walking into a village. Twice each year I would leave the monastery and visit a series of villages. I wore a simple cotton garment. It was a shapeless material which I wrapped around myself and wore like a dress. It was not white, but faded pastels and it had obviously been hand-dyed. I wore simple sandals, with leather straps.
The villagers had come to meet me as they always did. I would sit in the shade and provide guidance to all who asked my guidance. I would hear many who came to me with problems. I was surrounded by an aura of peace.
That evening all of the villagers would share a large communal table with me, and we would enjoy a simple meal of rice and some fruit. After the meal I would sleep under a tree on a straw mat that I carried with me. At dawn I would wake, drink some tea and eat a breakfast of cold rice that had been shaped into balls. I would then leave for the next village.
God asked, "Were the lifetimes when Katerina was your wife filled with joy?"
I replied, "Yes they were."
"So you have experienced being in a happy and joyful existence with your wife?"
"Yes, I have.
"Is there any reason why you will not be in a happy and joyful existence with your wife again?"
"No there is not."
"So when will you be sure that you will be together?"
"At this very moment, I will be sure that we will be together, when we are together."
"What will it take to convince you that you will be together?"
"When the red tape is cut."
"In that lifetime which you have now recalled, were you 'who you are'."
"Yes, I was."
"Did you live a peaceful existence?"
"Yes, I did."
"Did you do 'my work'?"
"Yes, it was a spiritual existence."
"So sharing a joyful, peaceful, and spiritual existence with Katerina is something that you have experienced?"
"Yes I have shared a joyful, peaceful, and spiritual existence with Katerina, but despite my spiritual knowledge I was not aware of who I am."
"So the things that you doubted that you have experienced, you have in fact experienced?"
"Yes I have experienced a joyful, peaceful, and spiritual existence, but I will experience a joyful, peaceful, and spiritual existence again."
"Because I have not experienced a joyful, peaceful, and spiritual existence from a perspective of awareness of who I am."
"There is much that you have not experienced from a perspective of who you are."
"That is so. However, my experiences have mostly been experiences of who I am not. I cannot experience who I am not when I am aware of who I am. After I became aware of who I am, I continued to experience who I am not, but I saw through the illusion so I did not really experience who I am not, I could not experience who I am not."
I was certainly very wrong about this point. I could experience who I am not whilst knowing who I am. In fact, I did experience who I am not whilst knowing who I am.
"And you will experience being who you are again?"
"Are you sure that you will experience being who you are again?"
"Yes I am."
"Is Katerina your soulmate?"
"Much that I have experienced indicates that Katerina is my soulmate."
"Are you sure?"
"What is the difference."
"When I do the work that I will do at a 'spiritual' level, my work is for you. However, Katerina is for me."
"Are we not the same."
"Yes, we are the same."
"What is the difference."
"One is selfish."
"By whose standards?"
"I do not know."
"Why do you want to do 'my work'?"
"I want to assist others to return to the pure love."
"To increase pure love."
"Is wanting to increase pure love not selfish?"
"By whose standards?"
I continued to reflect, and I continued to meditate. I reflected on a unique business opportunity that I had been offered earlier that day. I reflected on the chance meeting with a brother-in-law of a man who had been a close friend in my old world, the world I was supposed to be letting go of.
All in all it had been a fairly interesting day.
God said, "Now that is an understatement."
I began to get ready for my visit with Jane that night. I checked the video of my wedding. I only saw a few moments as Katerina was getting ready, and once more Katerina's beauty brought tears to my eyes.
God asked, "If Katerina is not your soulmate, who is she?"
"I have not said that Katerina is not my soulmate, but it is possible that Katerina is a soul with whom I have shared much joy during my existence. Perhaps Katerina has fulfilled the opposite role to Marie."
"Other than the pain that you have felt at the times when you lost Katerina, have you recalled a past life where the experience that you have shared has been other than joyful?"
"No, not that I recall."
"So what have you learned from each other?"
"And you want pure love again?"
"Are you suggesting that pure love for all souls is not selfish, but pure love for Brian is selfish?"
"No … I …"
"But is that not what you have said?"
"There is nothing apparent about it."
As the day progressed I continued to have the aspects of my environment which were not who I am, such as my financial position, and 'could this really be occurring', thrown at me. Mostly I saw what was happening for what it was. An opportunity to experience my awareness.
Later, I reflected that I was repeating many of the events in my life, this time from a perspective of being aware of who I am.
I knew that I was not quite finished with the Katerina 'issue' and I knew that my doubt remained for a reason. That reason could simply be so that I would continue to review the issue and explore each component.
God said, "Do you believe that it was coincidence that you reviewed your feelings for Katerina just two days ago?"
I had reviewed my feelings for Katerina, but I had subsequently given the experience little thought.
When I arrived at Jane's, I told her only that we were still waiting for immigration and that there was only a 20% chance that Katerina would obtain her visa. I told Jane nothing about any other aspect of my life.
Jane told me much of what had been occurring in her life, which confirmed that everything that I had foreseen would occur, had in fact occurred. Jane asked me a few more questions about her future which I answered, although I did withhold the answer to one of her questions, because I knew that the answer would influence what she needed to experience.
Once again I was given an opportunity to experience my awareness.
A friend of Jane's, Dianne was staying with Jane. Dianne was very troubled and obviously a large part of the reason why I was at Jane's that night.
Dianne needed to talk, and I listened. It was obvious that Dianne herself knew what her difficulty was. Dianne's life was on an incorrect path. Dianne's instinct and Dianne's subconscious were both telling her that her life was on an incorrect path, but Dianne was attempting to fight what she knew, which was causing a conflict within her soul that had made her feel suicidal.
I explained what the difficulty was and that Dianne herself had told me what the difficulty was, pointing out all of the indications which she herself had told me and that she obviously knew exactly what she needed to do. Dianne's next difficulty was that Dianne did not consciously know what her current path is. I explained that she needed to look within to find her correct path. I knew that my specific guidance was not what Dianne wanted to hear, but I gave Dianne the only advice that I had for her.
I was surprised by the next development. Dianne began describing some of her experiences, and as Dianne raised each experience from psychic ability, to past lives, soul contact and spirits, I explained each of the concepts to her. I told Dianne how and why each of the concepts worked. I provided Dianne with some examples from my own life, and also expanded on some of Dianne's experiences by giving Dianne more details in respect of her past lives. I was able to explain why some of the soul contacts which Dianne had relayed to me had occurred. It was a fascinating and unexpected development. However, I was not surprised.
After I had finished talking with Dianne, it was suggested that Jane read my coffee cup. Jane did not read anything significant in my coffee cup that I did not know, but Jane did read much that I did know.
Jane described my former business partner with surprising accuracy and explained that even though he was 'going along' with what was occurring, he was not really happy with the situation, and he wanted to address the situation. However, his hands were tied.
Jane saw that there was money on its way to me, and that I would use that money to buy a house. Jane saw that I had been considering that I may have to go to Katerina, but I would not, Katerina would come to me. However, Katerina would come to me at a time when I did not believe that Katerina would be able to come.
Jane's reading contained other minor foreseen events, such as a letter I would receive, possibly from a government source overseas. Jane did see that I would acquire more 'power' of one form or another, which felt this would relate to my 'salvation'.
Once again, the most significant aspect of the reading was that it was Jane's reading. I glanced down at the page I was about to review. It was from the last occasion that I had provided Jane with guidance.
It certainly had been an interesting day.
The following morning, I found myself reflecting on the previous evening's events. It was interesting that I should have arranged that minor confirmation of the future from Jane, I had not consciously sought confirmation.
God asked, "Is Katerina your soulmate?"
I replied, "I believe so."
I had not needed the confirmation that I had received from Jane, but I had appreciated the confirmation that I had received from Jane.
God asked, "Why would you appreciate being told what you know?"
I thought about my reply. "It was a message from myself delivered via a third party. It is easy to become overwhelmed by the volume of knowledge and awareness that is provided to our conscious self, especially when experiences have been intense or conflicting. Having a message delivered by a third party allows the message to be received with clarity and impartiality. Even though I had received the message externally, I also looked within at each point of the message for confirmation of the external confirmation."
"Maybe the information that you were given was only to set you up for an experience."
"Every message that we receive either externally or internally assists us to create an environment to experience. Whether the experience is as we anticipate or otherwise, the experience is still experience. Whether we enjoy the experience or not does not alter the fact that the experience is experience. Everything contained in the message was not only something that I knew, but also in line with every other message that I have received in a similar manner.
"I know that the events that have been foreseen are so and I have always known that the events that have been foreseen are so. That the events have been foreseen has been a convenient way to create my environment to experience many things, such as; that wanting 'heaven on earth' is not selfish, and that looking for what has been foreseen will not make what has been foreseen arrive earlier, to name just two."
"Is Katerina your soulmate?"
"I am 99% sure that Katerina is my soulmate. I suspect that my 1% of doubt relates to my lack of experience in being with my soulmate."
"But you have experienced being with Katerina."
"Yes, but I have not experienced being aware that Katerina is my soulmate, and that we are re-joining."
"You really do not have any doubt, do you?"
"There have been many times when I have had no doubt. However, re-joining with my soulmate is a new experience for me and many aspects of this experience have been other than I would have anticipated in respect of a soulmate. I would not have anticipated that we would experience so many difficulties, but I can understand that we would have these difficulties as a part of the example. I also suspect that a part of my doubt, if not all of my doubt, is not real but a reflection from my lifetime, because I have made an incorrect choice before and that I have been told often that I view life, or more accurately relationships, through rose-coloured glasses."
"Could the purpose of your doubt be to remove the echoes of your past experiences?"
"Yes. Now that we have established that the echoes of my past experiences remain, I will be able to deal with the echoes of my past experiences. I know that some echoes of my past experiences are neither a part of me, or real. The echoes of my past experiences are a product of the illusion of the earth plane, and in all likelihood the echoes of my past experiences only remain to demonstrate that echoes of past experiences can remain at this point in awareness."
I had provided myself with a logical explanation for my doubt, and God had disputed my explanation. However, if I had known the truth of why I doubted, I would have become aware of a presence that I would need to assist me to maintain my environment. Before my journey was over, I would learn that there was far more involved within the Katerina issue than I suspected.
"There were some aspects of Jane's message that you have noted, and effectively dismissed."
"Yes there were. They relate to contact with others. If the contact with others is meant to eventuate the contact with others will eventuate, if not the contact with others will not eventuate. I am aware of the possible contact with others and if the contact with others occurs, I will experience the contact with others if I need to. The contact with others does not warrant any further consideration, because the contact with others is irrelevant."
"Does Katerina lift your spirit?"
"I really think we have spoken about Katerina enough at this point."
"For you, or for those who want to have a point of reference? Does Katerina lift your spirit?"
"Yes, Katerina does lift my spirit 99% of the time. Occasionally Katerina does not lift my spirit such as the previous two occasions when I have spoken with her, which have also conveniently assisted in establishing this environment that has been the catalyst for our exploration of the Katerina issue."
There was a reason that Katerina had discontinued to uplift my spirit and I knew why, and this why was the real reason that my doubts had surfaced. I did want to believe God, but I could not hide from what I knew, so I raised doubts. It was not that the connection between Katerina and I was exactly broken, but it certainly was weakened, and I knew precisely why, as soon as it occurred.
"You know what the real issue is here, and you know that the real issue extends beyond Katerina. You know that Katerina has been a convenient way to draw the real issue to the surface."
"Yes, I know that the real issue relates to aspects of who I am not. From what I have been able to determine, the real issue relates to my unworthiness still clinging to my aura like a 'scum' or a ring around a bath tub after the substance of who I am not has been washed away and gone down the drain. This scum is an illusion, but it does exist and it is preventing my aura from expanding, or to put it another way, it is preventing my golden light from fully radiating from within."
"This 'scum' does not appear to have impacted all of who you are and what you are experiencing."
"No, the scum has not impacted at all on what is effectively 'your' message, but the scum has impacted on the fact that I am the one delivering your message. Regardless of what else I have experienced, I have not been able to shake the 'it cannot be me' issue. It is the it cannot be me issue that the 'scum' is attached to."
"So you did know what the problem was."
"Yes I did."
"Is Katerina your soulmate?"
"Yes she is."
"Why did your doubt focus on whether Katerina is your soulmate?"
"Katerina is the one aspect of what is to come that is personal to me. All of the other aspects of what is to come collectively relate to my task, or as we have termed my task 'your work'"
"How will you remove the scum?"
"Now that I am aware of the scum's existence, the scum has already started to be removed. I will remove the scum entirely either by experiencing my awareness, or by 'physically' removing the scum on the spirit plane."
"You do not know which method you will use to remove the scum?"
"I am unaware of which method I will use to remove the scum, because I have not drawn on my knowledge. However, I will now draw on my knowledge."
I crossed to the spirit plane, and I applied the principles that I had applied in respect of the dark veil and the mirror. I stood outside of my aura. I had a scrubbing brush in my hand and I began scrubbing my aura. My aura had been a 'mustard' like colour, but as I scrubbed my aura became shinny bright gold. The parts of my aura that I had cleaned seemed to extend beyond the parts of my aura that I had not cleaned.
After I returned from the spirit plane, I experienced some difficulties that I had not experienced for some time. I was supposed to be in the office early that morning, and it was apparent that I had no hope of attending the office early.
For some time I had not been affected by many of life's everyday difficulties, gaps in traffic and parking spaces appeared when I needed them. That day everything stopped. It began raining heavily as I left home, and I waited for a long time standing in the rain before I was able to cross the road.
As soon as I crossed the road and stood under shelter, the rain all but stopped. I looked across the road, and there was no traffic in either direction.
I was fascinated. Each day as I had waited for the bus, numerous taxis had passed. That morning there were no taxis. The bus passed me, but I was not waiting at the bus stop, I had decided to use a taxi.
I know that there was no magic involved with my usual ability to avoid the little everyday frustrations. The gaps in traffic did not appear because I was there. I was there because I followed my instinct, which effectively told me when it was the best time to leave to go where I was going. I knew that if I was ever caught in traffic or if those little things went 'against' me, there was reason.
That morning it was obvious that I was effectively experiencing the 'scum'. I suspected that much of the day would continue on this basis, but as soon as I became aware of what was occurring, I stopped experiencing the 'scum'.
Almost as soon as I understood what was happening a taxi arrived, and the taxi passed the bus on the way to the office. I arrived a little concerned because I was late, but the person who I had needed to meet with, had changed their plans and was not coming in that day. I was once more cruising.
I allowed myself to reflect the current difficulties that Katerina was experiencing with immigration. I did not feel that there was anything that I needed to do, other than to allow the situation to develop, as the situation was destined to develop.
I then reflected on the various people from my old world, whom I had not been in contact with. The only reason that I had to contact any of the people from my old world at that point in time, was in reality a product of their perception or their opinion of me.
I was able to recognise my reflections as a result of the 'scum' I was removing. If any of the people from my old world needed to be in my life again, they would be in my life again.
Throughout that morning I was given opportunities to experience my awareness of the 'scum', and that the scum was artificial.
I again found myself wondering if I was simply 'fiddling whilst Rome burned'. I wondered if I should take some direct action in respect of any part of my life but there was nothing that I felt that I should do. All that I was left with, was a vague feeling that I should be doing 'something'. I suspected that my feeling was a reflection of the 'scum' that I was experiencing.
I reflected upon my financial position. I would be paid the following day, but I would scarcely have enough money to exist for the fortnight until I was paid again, let alone consider to begin to address my mounting financial burden even in a superficial way.
As I reflected, I could see that all of the issues that had remained with me throughout my journey, and which had kept me grounded were the scum that I was removing from my aura.
That I would be required to address my remaining issues at this time was logical. It seemed that I no longer needed to remain grounded, although I would remain grounded for some time to come.
I would address the issues and remove the scum by experiencing my awareness of what the issues are. I knew and I had known that the issues were artificial. Knowing that the issues were artificial meant that the issues were imposed upon me. However, I did not fully appreciate what 'imposed upon me' meant at that time.
It would be months before I understood who had imposed the delays upon my environment and why. It was only after I became aware of who had imposed the delays upon my environment and why, that I was able to remove the artificial environment which surrounded me.
I reflected on the previous night's reading. As Jane had begun the reading, I had felt an overwhelming presence of spirits. I understood on reflection that the spirits had confirmed Jane's reading.
My experiences of that day began to overwhelm me. I felt that I should not have been affected by my experiences, because I knew what my experiences were. I wondered if I would ever find my permanent peace.
God said, "Brian, you are being too hard on yourself."
I knew that God was right, but I wanted my difficulties to be over. I wanted to be ready because I wanted to move into my new world, and I knew that I would not move into my new world, until I was ready.
"You feel that you have failed, because you are not ready. You have not failed, you will not fail, you are simply not ready."
I glanced at the plant who had asked for the crystal. The growth since I had placed the crystal where the plant had asked was staggering. Despite all that I had experienced, I would not have believed the transformation in the plant, which I knew was a reflection that I was not ready.
I needed to rest. I had begun to attempt to force myself to be ready, which I knew was not possible. I was aware that what I was experiencing was a result of the 'scum' surrounding my aura.
I thought about everything that I had experienced. I would not have believed that it would have been possible for me to endure what I had endured, but I certainly had endured. What I did not know is that I had much more to endure before my task would be complete.
God said, "You underestimate many things. You underestimate what you have endured. You underestimate the power that you have inside of you. You underestimate the impact that you have on those souls whom you are drawn to help, and you underestimate the joy and happiness that you will receive. Mostly you underestimate what your work will assist others to achieve.
"You think that you are weak because you struggle to attend the office each day, conveniently overlooking that you have maintained your employment whilst enduring an awareness process that would normally occur over many lifetimes. You expect far too much from yourself.
"Where is the joy in your life? You take great joy from the beauty of nature, but there is very little joy otherwise. When you are not drawing your awareness to the surface, you are working to maintain your income and often you are required to do both. When you are not working, you find yourself meditating or drawing on the awareness that you see wherever you look.
"You may even take a break and re-live a memory, often a very difficult memory to re-live, or you review your work and re-live your difficult experiences, over and over again.
"Your sleep is erratic and mostly only as much sleep as you need, such is the intensity of your task. Then you are asked to balance financial difficulties and immigration difficulties, surviving on my promise of what I have foreseen.
"Normally it would require many lifetimes to travel your path, but many have already experienced those lifetimes as you have discovered in the level of awareness that you see around you. Many are not aware that they are aware. Your work that will help many, become aware of their own awareness.
"Reading your work will awaken the awareness within many, because many have already experienced much prior to this lifetime. You effectively had to start at the beginning of awareness, which has made your concentrated path more difficult.
I decided to take advice and rest. God knows I needed rest.
"Yes, that is why I suggested that you should rest."
After I had rested for some time, my wrists began to itch. I had the 'fluttering' feeling when I awoke.
It was time to continue my review of Connecting With The Higher Plane. The first words that I read were; 'very little of what has occurred is for you'. Three paragraphs after I began my review that night, God's words jumped at me from the paper; 'You are too hard on yourself'.
I reflected that I still became tired when I was communicating with God.
God asked, "Why is that?"
I replied, "I become tired because of the intensity of the increase of my vibrational rate. The path that I have chosen does not allow me sufficient time to adjust fully to each increase of my vibrational rate, before my vibrational rate increases again."
The following morning I knew that I had some more awareness almost within reach.
God asked, "If Katerina and you were not apart physically, how would you experience that you were together spiritually, and that your soul had become a part of each other?"
I reflected that I was required to attend the office each day that week, which did not surprise me. Having become aware of the real reason why I needed to balance between worlds, the need to balance intensified. The pattern had been exactly the same with each similar point that I had become aware of. My increasing financial pressure and Katerina's increasing difficulties with immigration were a product of my awareness of my need to balance, as well as assisting with many other experiences.
God asked, "Why have you remained attached to the business?"
I replied, "I have remained attached to the business to maintain an income and support myself, whilst I undertake my journey."
"Is that so? Could you not have looked within and become aware by living a simple existence on unemployment benefits near a beach?"
"Yes, and a simple existence would have made my journey easier. However, I would not have been able to support those whom I have chosen to support, nor would I have experienced that earth plane responsibilities are real."
"So why have you remained within the business?"
"To support those to whom I have a responsibility. However, the business also created an environment to allow me to experience much that I needed to experience."
"Could you have experienced what you needed to experience, through creating a different environment?"
"Yes. There is no reason why the principles of my experiences could not have been experienced whilst I was receiving unemployment benefits for example."
"You are correct, but your financial burden would have remained."
"I could have declared bankruptcy, and I could have removed my financial burden permanently."
"Yes. Are you saying that remaining within the business has made your journey more difficult?"
"Yes remaining within the business has made my journey more difficult. Without the need to balance conflicting and increasing pressures, my journey would have been very much easier."
"Why did you remain within the business?"
"I remained within the business to maintain my earth plane responsibilities and to enable me to support those I have chosen to support. Remaining within the business has also allowed me to demonstrate that souls can become aware from within an average, everyday environment."
"You are correct. Could you not have demonstrated that souls can become aware from within an average, everyday environment by creating a different environment, and working part time to supplement the unemployment benefits?"
"I suppose I could have demonstrated that souls can become aware from within an average, everyday environment, from any number of possible environments."
"Why did you choose to make your journey more difficult, by remaining within the business?"
"I remained within the business to maintain the support of those who I have chosen to support financially, and to ensure that they were not affected by my journey."
"And those who you support financially have determined that you are a selfish man?"
"That is their perception, but they do not understand the truth."
"Will those who you support financially understand the truth in the future?"
"Whether any understand the truth is their choice. All will believe what they choose to believe, but the belief or lack of belief of any, will not alter reality."
"In the future when you no longer have financial burdens and a need to balance, you will continue to support those who you support financially?"
"Yes, I believe I will."
"Will you maintain your support for those who you support financially at the same level as you support them now?"
"No, I will increase my support and share some of my resources with those who I have chosen to support financially."
"To increase my support to those who I have chosen to support financially is my choice. If I can make their life easier, I will do so."
"Maybe those who you support financially have not chosen to have their life made easier."
"That is a possibility, but those who I have chosen to support financially chose the circumstances of their life, and they chose to have their involvement in my life. My choice to share any increased resources, reflects who I am. Therefore, those who I have chosen to support financially chose to have some aspect of their life made easier. If they choose to experience other difficulties, their environment will be in an environment of their own creation."
"Surely you cannot say what environment they have chosen."
"In respect of their total environment, no I cannot. As their environment relates to their association with me, I can. They will be given an opportunity to experience the true nature of pure love. How they respond to that opportunity will be their choice. There are endless possibilities for them, and I can see many options. In fact, I can see much of what will come to pass."
"What can you see?"
"No more than you. It would be inappropriate to include much of what will come to pass for others within my notes. If I shared the information that I have seen, it would influence the choices of those concerned which I will not do."
"If I were to reveal what I have foreseen, it would change the experiences that they have chosen."
"You have previously told others what you have foreseen for them."
"Yes I have. However I would not have been able to see anything that would affect their choices or the choices of any, until I became aware of the need not to affect the choices of others. Now I pass on whatever guidance they have chosen to receive, and I know what guidance they have chosen to receive. At one point I passed on guidance simply to prove to myself who I was and as such some of the detail was incorrect, although I had revealed nothing that would affect any decisions, unless I was meant to reveal such information. Now that I am aware of what I was doing, I no longer attempt to use what I foresee as proof of my identity."
"And you have become aware of all of this awareness from within your controlled environment?"
"That is why I created my controlled environment."
"Surely withholding some of what you have foreseen for others is selfish."
"No, not at all. Passing on what I foresaw for others was selfish. It is the reverse. I will provide what guidance has been chosen to be received, but providing such guidance will neither prove or disprove who I am. Nor will I attempt to use such guidance to prove who I am. Such guidance would not achieve proof even to me and therefore such guidance would be pointless."
"How do you determine if you should provide guidance?"
"If guidance is sought, then I should provide guidance."
"That is sound, but what if I specifically tell you to provide guidance?"
"Then I should also provide guidance."
"So what is the rule?"
"There is no rule. If I am meant to provide guidance, I will provide guidance."
"What if you are providing guidance and you withhold some information?"
"I am meant to withhold that information."
"Why then would you have the information?"
"I may know the result of what I have foreseen."
"What good is knowing the result of what you have foreseen to you?"
"I do not know. None I suppose."
"When you were asked if a person was 'the one' for another, why did you withhold the information?"
"I was concerned that I would influence the experience of the person asking the question."
"You had the information and they asked the question, based on what you said earlier you should have answered their question."
"Yes, I guess I should have answered the question."
"They why did you not answer the question?"
"If I had said that the person was 'the one' and my friend who had asked the question had been hurt by the experience, I would have felt responsible for my friend's hurt."
"Would you have been responsible for your friend's hurt?"
"No. That my friend sought my guidance was her choice, whether my friend listened to my guidance was her choice, and if my friend experienced difficulties, it was her choice."
"By withholding the information from your friend, were you being selfish?"
"No. My motive may have been selfish, but if I was meant to pass the information on to my friend, I would have passed the information on to my friend."
"What are you saying?"
"There are no rules, if I am meant to pass information to another soul I will pass on information, and if I am not meant to pass on information, I will not pass on information."
"So you have known that was how you needed to approach your role of providing guidance all along."
"Yes, I have been fulfilling my role of providing guidance."
"So did you have any reason to be concerned?"
"No I did not have any reason to be concerned."
Later, I reflected that as I became aware of something that it would take a few days for my awareness to really take effect.
God asked, "Why is this?"
"It takes time for my vibrational rate to adjust to my awareness."
"Your vibrational rate seems to adjust quicker each time that your vibrational rate adjusts."
"Yes as the vibrational rate increases, it is easier for the vibrational rate to increase."
All that day the environment which I had created to experience my awareness repeated. The principles of my environment were apparent everywhere that I turned. Most of the day I shrugged my experiences off and I saw my experiences for what they were. In fact, I was relaxed and I flowed.
However, by that night I'd had enough. More than enough. I genuinely believed I could endure no more. However, I knew that I could endure some more, and I would endure some more.
I knew I was not supposed to do anything, and I knew that I was doing nothing wrong. I was gaining experience that I needed. I knew that it was all right to want my difficult experiences to end. I knew that it was all right not to enjoy my difficult circumstances. I knew that everything was as everything was meant to be. I knew that after I had felt whatever I was experiencing, I would understand what I had been experiencing and why I had been experiencing, and I knew that my experiences would make sense and that my experiences would all seem logical.
At this time, none of what I knew made the slightest difference. I was tired and I was fed up. I could not believe that any pep talk or explanation from God would make any difference. I could not help but feel that nothing in my environment was the way that I would have consciously chosen and knowing that my environment was necessary, made absolutely no difference.
Perhaps I was demonstrating that extreme despondency could be experienced even at my level of awareness.
I was no longer concerned about my difficulties. I had resigned myself to having my difficulties, and I knew there was nothing that I could do about my difficulties anyway. I did not know what to do or which way to turn. The solutions to any of my difficulties seemed far, far away and I had passed the point of anticipating that I would receive a solution to my difficulties, or my promised salvation.
I did know that what I was experiencing was not who I am, and I did not feel that what I was experiencing was who I am. As I reflected on what I was feeling, I realised that although I was feeling my environment, I was not feeling my environment. What I was experiencing seemed very strange to me at that moment.
|I decided to continue my review. I glanced
at the page I was just about to start reviewing. One small paragraph leapt
from the page. 'God said, simply "have
I thought; 'Have faith in what?'
I immediately knew the answer to my question. 'Have faith in God, have faith in myself and have faith in the future.'
Sounded pretty simple.
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