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Searching for My Soul
Book One Searching for My Soul


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Clearing The Entrance.

I had not realised it at the time, but when I discovered that, although very real, my feelings for Marie belonged in another lifetime and were therefore an illusion in this lifetime. I had also found the entrance to the bridge to my soul. The entrance to the bridge to my soul was so well camouflaged that I had not seen it at first, but I did finally recognise the entrance to the bridge to my soul.

I had no idea of what I would find on the bridge to my soul. I was totally surprised by what I found on the bridge to my soul, and yet at the same time I was not surprised by what I found on the bridge to my soul. What I found was extremely logical, and like so many other things that I had learned, what I found made sense.

I had a positive consultation with Graeme. We discussed not only what I was experiencing, but also some of the things that I had learned in respect of my spiritual journey.

Later that day I received a message from Joe. He had won a major account and was feeling good. Fate was being kind to him.

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The following morning, I knew that 'something' was about to happen, but I did not know what I was supposed to do next. I decided to relax and allow whatever it was to occur.

As I again reviewed my life, I knew that I was supposed to move to a spiritual path seven years earlier, but I had fought any move to a spiritual path. I had started to travel a spiritual path, but I had turned back. I had ignored many opportunities to return to my spiritual path and finally my time had run out. I was picked up, placed on my spiritual path and not allowed to deviate.

Much of what I had experienced during the previous seven months should have occurred during the previous seven years. I had been forced to cram seven years learning into seven months.

The result was the same, but the intensity of my learning process had been severe. Nevertheless, everything had transpired in the way that it was meant to transpire. It was never intended that I take those missed opportunities to return to my spiritual path, because I needed to understand what transpires when we do not take our opportunities to return to our spiritual path. I need to experience, if I am to teach others.

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'Something' did happen that day. Having located the entrance to the bridge to my soul, I was now more closely connected to my soul. What had been a steady flow of knowledge, understanding and insight since I had returned from England became a flood. At times I would struggle to keep up with all I was receiving, but I always had enough time to do everything that I needed to do, and to learn everything that I was required to learn.

In hindsight I had no concept of what I would learn. I was not prepared for what I would learn, but at the same time I was exactly prepared for what I would learn.

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When our souls evaporate, it is only our spirit that evaporates. Just like the drop of water that vaporises, the dirt is left behind. All that the adjoining drops of water know is that the drop of water which has evaporated, is no longer there.

If the adjoining drops of water were told that the drop of water was now in a different form, and was now existing as part of a cloud, that the drop of water was resting before being placed amongst them again as another, and yet the same drop of water, the adjoining drops of water would not be able to understand what had occurred. This lack of understanding would not make what had occurred to the drop of water any less real.

A number of drops of water are evaporated from one place. The drops of water are carried by a cloud, which is driven by the wind, before depositing those same drops, still together, collectively in another place.

Those same drops are continually being evaporated and deposited as a group. The drops of water are unaware that they have been together, and have existed in other places and at other times, but still as a group. The fact that the drops of water have forgotten their previous times together, as part of the same river, lake, or pond does not mean that the drops of water have not been together many times.

Every physical existence of every drop of water is not the same. Sometimes the drops of water are in a river, and have an opportunity to let go of the riverbank and find the ocean, but other times the drops of water may be deposited in a lake, a pond or even a puddle.

The drops of water may even spend time in the ocean, enjoying the majestic existence for a while, before being evaporated and deposited again in another environment.

Sometimes the drops of water are evaporated shortly after they are deposited, and sometimes they travel a significant distance, through easy or difficult paths before they are evaporated.

When the drops of water are deposited on the land, there are a number of courses that they can take, leading to different places or the same place, and all taking a different amount of time to reach their destination.

Some drops of water will be deposited at the top of a tree and believe they are fortunate, living high above the other drops, but to reach the ocean the drops of water must first fall to the ground. So the drops of water are not really fortunate to live high in the tree, and that they think that they are fortunate is an illusion.

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That morning, Joe called again. He was slowly accepting that he no longer needed his illusion, fate had demonstrated that he is on the right path. Joe understood that his illusion had been necessary, and that his illusion had only been taken from him, when he no longer needed his illusion.

If I had known or told Joe that he would feel this way just 48 hours after our talk, he would not have believed me. My part had been small, all that I did was show him the correct path, Joe chose to follow his correct path. However, I felt good because I had seen the transformation in him, and because I had again had my role demonstrated to me.

My experience had been similar with Carlos. I was now living my destiny. I knew that I was only a messenger and that I was not really doing anything, but I was allowing it to happen. I found my role very humbling. However, at this time I did not know or appreciate the true circular nature of our existence.

The floodgates across the bridge to my soul were well and truly open, and I was struggling to keep up as I gained insight after insight.

Most of the day was the same, insight after insight sometimes a number of insights at once and sometimes slower. At the time, I did not know exactly what had happened.

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Imagine that our body is a bucket, and our soul is the water inside the bucket.

If a handful of dirt is thrown into the water, the water becomes murky just as our soul becomes murky. If the dirt is left to settle at the bottom of the bucket, the water appears clean on the surface, but the slightest disturbance will stir up the dirt sitting quietly below the surface. The water will again become murky. How murky the water becomes will depend on how great the disturbance.

The only way for the water to truly become clean again, is to remove the dirt. Initially, removing the dirt is a painstaking but relatively easy task. Even after we have removed most of the dirt, the water is not truly clean until we have patiently sifted out all of the remaining particles of dirt. Before the water is truly clean we even have to remove the smallest particles of dirt, which are difficult to see.

Regardless of whether the water is clean or dirty, if we remove the bucket the water still exists, but the water is no longer contained within the bucket.

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Despite all that I had learned, despite all that I had experienced, I retained some lingering doubt that my experiences were real. However, my experiences were real and they could not be disputed, even by me.

A drop of water may be partially evaporated during the day, only to be returned overnight through condensation. The drop of water is unaware that anything happened, let alone what has happened. Nevertheless, the drop of water was partially evaporated during the day, and returned overnight. The same principle applies when our soul visits the spirit plane, while our conscious mind sleeps.

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The following morning I reflected on the insights that I had received since my journey began. That the previous seven years of my life had prepared me for what was to come became clearer all the time. I could see how the basic principles that I had learned during that seven year cycle had been an apprenticeship for what I was to face. I drew confidence from knowing that everything was on track.

I seldom worried about anything. I continued to flow with whatever I felt I should do next. The insights continued to 'flood in'. Having reviewed the insights earlier in the day, I was again concerned that some of the insights were similar, but I was again told that I should not touch the insights. Different insights will reach different people, and they would take what they needed from them.

That afternoon, Jane telephoned. She had found a shop which she was interested in buying. She had heeded the previous warning which I had been given to pass on to her. I had known Jane for many years, and I knew that she was a person who could become easily frustrated.

I allowed my instinct to take over. I told her to find out all that she needed to know to make an informed decision before committing herself. I suggested that if some of the information which she needed was delayed, not to become frustrated, but to accept that the delay was for a reason, and to flow with the delay. I explained that if the shop was sold in the meantime, fate had ensured the delays because that particular shop was not for her.

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The next day the insights continued to flood in and would continue to do so until I had more pieces of the puzzle.

During the previous few days, the pleasure and enjoyment which I received even from the simplest things, from things that I had done all of my life, was increasing and continuing to increase. The pleasure and enjoyment that I experienced were reaching levels far above my expectations.

I saw that the circumstances which had led to my suicides as a Native American, and as a stable boy had been combined as a dual karmic debt which I had carried into this lifetime. I knew that these were not the only times during my existence when I had committed suicide. I knew that I had hung myself in another previous lifetime, so I knew that I had killed myself in at least one other lifetime. I did not know if it would be necessary for these lifetimes to be revealed to me.

I also knew that Joe had committed suicide in at least two previous lifetimes, which was why he had been given the karmic test in this lifetime. This time he had endured and therefore he had paid his karmic debt.

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If a caterpillar had a vision. If a caterpillar understood what was going to happen. If a caterpillar knew that there was going to be a metamorphous. If a caterpillar knew that it would one day glide on the wind. If a caterpillar knew that it would one day soar above the world. If a caterpillar knew that it would one day see beauty that it could not imagine. If a caterpillar knew that it would spend the rest of its days going from one beautiful flower to the next, could the caterpillar really imagine what this new existence would be like?

If the caterpillar told the other caterpillars what was going to happen, most would think that the caterpillar was going insane. Most caterpillars could not even begin to conceive that what they were told was possible. Would this mean that what was going to happen to each caterpillar was not real? Would it simply mean that the caterpillars were not ready to know the truth?

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That afternoon Anne telephoned to talk about her current problems. Everything seemed to be progressing as we knew that it would progress. Anne would soon need to decide which path to follow. I listened, as I had listened to Jane, and I allowed my instinct to guide me to what I should say to her.

The pattern of my life which had been evident since I had returned from England continued. Regardless of what I was told or what I was shown, regardless of what I was led to do, I always had enough time to complete my work and fulfil my obligation to my business. I could still only attend the office for a limited time. I was learning not to worry, but sometimes I could not see how I could possibly complete my work on time, although I always did.

Despite this continuing pattern, I would still become anxious when I could not leave for the office in the morning until I gained the morning's last insight. I knew that I had to overcome this. I knew that it did not matter and that fate was looking after me.

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When a caterpillar first creates its cocoon, it does not know what is happening. The caterpillar is still attached to its old world, and yet the caterpillar is no longer a part of the its world. The caterpillar is closed off from its old world, but the caterpillar is not ready to enter its new world.

As the metamorphous progresses, the caterpillar slowly starts to understand what is happening. However, the caterpillar still has difficulty believing what is happening, despite the wings that are forming.

One day, the caterpillar breaks out of the cocoon, and soars off into its new world, leaving an empty shell behind.

The butterfly looks back and remembers how the caterpillar had believed that the leaves in its old world were the most important things in the universe. The butterfly recalls that the caterpillar had worried about which caterpillar had the juiciest leaf, and whether the leaves would always be there. The butterfly now knew how insignificant the leaves really were. The butterfly now saw the trees and knew there were other trees. The butterfly now saw all of the trees and so much more.

The butterfly saw things that the caterpillar had never known existed, and that it could not have conceived. The butterfly could not understand why the caterpillar had thought the insignificant leaves had been so important.

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I called into Anne's for lunch. I again had the feeling that there was something that I needed to do, but all I could do was allow time and fate take care of everything.

I also saw Joe that day. From a business perspective, life was continuing to improve for him all the time. It had not yet been a week since he had received the news which had momentarily devastated him.

I was being given time with friends although at the time I did not understand the significance of why some of the people were in my life. I was also being given enough solitude to complete my learning and transitional phase. The number of people in my life was increasing all of the time. My life felt full, even when there were no people around. A few months earlier my life had felt empty, but now my life was overflowing with people.

I spent a quiet night reviewing my notes. I began to understand something very clearly. It was something that I had started to suspect some time ago. My current lifetime is not a single lifetime. My current is two distinctly different lifetimes.

I had not understood how my current lifetime could be two distinctly different lifetimes. I still did not quite understand it, but I knew it was so. All that I could do was accept what I knew. It was as if the first part of my lifetime had been to attend to whatever remained unresolved from previous lifetimes. In time I would understand exactly what 'two distinctly different lifetimes' meant.

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It did not matter to me where I was, or what I was doing. I was wherever I was for a reason and I allowed everything to happen. I flowed with fate. I was not concerned about anything personally. Each day I took another step. It was a period of intense knowledge and understanding. I no longer needed to be pushed, a gentle nudge was all that was required for me to take the next step.

I started to become concerned. I was beginning to feel that I was required to help everyone who touched my life. I was overreacting. There were a lot of people in my life at this time, new and old friends, family, business and work associates. Most were just there. They often had a message for me, but most were not aware they had a message for me, let alone that they had delivered a message to me.

Of all the people in my life, there were only around five maybe six people who I felt drawn to help, or I felt that there was a reason that I was in their lives. So of the fifty or so people in my life, I had to do something for around 10%. This seemed credible and realistic, so I accepted it.

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Rose had asked me how she fitted in to my life, but I had not known. I knew that we had done a lot of learning together in what I now saw as my first life, and Rose was still in what I saw as my second life. I would learn that I was not in my second life at this time, but effectively between lives.

When I had first understood why Rose was still in my life, I was not convinced that it was time to pass the information on. She had been my life partner from my first life, She was the constant. In my second life, I was Rose's earth guide, at least at this time. That I was her earth guide explained much, including why she had never left my life for long.

I found my realisation a little difficult to accept. Whatever emotions Rose had left over from my first life, would get in the way of my guidance in my second life. I did not understand at the time that this was precisely why I was Rose's earth guide.

I knew that she would know that I was her earth guide when it was time for her to know I was her earth guide. I knew enough to leave the matter alone, until I was directed one way or the other to do something.

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That morning I had something explained to me which I had known applied to everybody who had been significant in my life.

Sometimes we feel 'something' the very first time we meet someone. Until we become aware, we do not quite know what that 'something' is. We think that 'something' is some form of chemistry. We know there is 'something' about the person, but we can never quite put our finger on what that 'something' is. That 'something' is familiarity and recognition.

Whenever I had something explained to me in simple terms that I could understand, it was so logical and so clear that I did not know why I had not seen it previously.

I understood something else that morning. Marie's soul was linked to mine. Our link was something more than the previous lifetime that I had recalled, and it was not in the way that I had once believed we were linked. I did not understand how or why our souls were linked, but I knew that they were linked.

I was not comfortable with Marie not being in my life. I felt that she somehow belonged in my life, but I also knew that she was not meant to be in my life and that she no longer belonged in my life. I certainly did not understand this confusing and conflicting feeling.

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I was not ready for my new world yet. I still had one foot in my old world, and I was very much aware that my reflexes were still attached to my old world.

I was operating on 'fast forward'. It seemed that the time when I had been 'on pause' was a lifetime away. I felt that something important was going to happen, although I had no idea what. I tried to relax and slow down. I knew that I had nothing to worry about. I was exactly on track, even if that track was moving faster all the time.

It was as if I needed to run down my path, instead of strolling. I did not like the experience very much. However, what I liked or did not like, did not seem to concern fate. When I had tried to run down my path previously, fate had tripped me up.

I was still trying to come to terms with the 'two lifetimes' concept. My new life knew that the 'two lifetimes' concept was so, but my old life could not even begin to understand or conceive the 'two lifetimes' concept.

The other thing that I did not like was that I felt dishonest. I was working hard and producing results for my business. I was doing everything that was asked of me, but I wanted to tell my business partner the truth. I knew that I could not do so. I needed to let everything continue the way it was a while longer, whether I liked it or not.

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I found it ironic that when fate had slowed my journey down I had wanted to rush, and now that fate was speeding my journey up, I wanted to slow my journey down.

Even after the caterpillar has become a butterfly, it is still encased in the cocoon. Regardless of how hard it tries, the butterfly cannot possibly fly until it first discards the cocoon.

That evening I became a little sad and lonely. I started to doubt. I could not believe that what was happening to me could happen, or that it could happen to me. However, it was happening to me. I had hoped that by this stage everything would be clear all of the time, but sometimes everything was not very clear at all. Sometimes I became confused. Sometimes I did not know what, if anything, to do next.

I was still holding onto what had been my old world by my fingertips. I was desperately clutching the last remaining remnants of my old world. I knew that my old world was disappearing. I knew that it had faded, but I treated it like a security blanket which I was not quite ready to discard.

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I thought; 'what is happening to me does not happen to people', but what was happening to me was happening. Insights and knowledge continued to flood in. I was totally drained. I was stuck in the twilight zone between my two worlds.

One of the biggest difficulties that I was struggling with, was knowing what I should be doing. I was often unsure if I was being driven to do something, or I was being tested not to do something. At times, knowing what I should be doing felt like a bigger dilemma than what I was being pushed to do, or tested not to do.

The problem was that I was arguing with myself rationally. I could see both sides of the argument. I could rationalise either side of the argument to my satisfaction, so rationalising did not help. Whenever I tried to rationalise, I was blocking my instinct.

I could feel the positive energy growing within me and radiating from me. I was also beginning to feel the love radiating from within me. Not love for one person, but love for everyone and everything.

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Like most people, I had heard and read about 'loving thy neighbour' and I had shrugged the platitude off. I had not known that 'loving thy neighbour' was possible, but 'loving thy neighbour' is possible. All we need to do is let go of all of our negative energy, of our fears, doubts, insecurities, guilt, ego, etc. Letting go of all of our negative energy sounds simple on a piece of paper, but I know that letting go of all of our negative energy is not simple. However, we can let go of all of our negative energy, and letting go of all of our negative energy really is simple.

Letting the love radiate from with us has a wonderful, but logical side effect. If love is radiating from within us we are living at the centre of that love.

For most of my life, or nearly all of the first part of my life, I had given spiritual matters little thought. Occasionally I would read or hear something and I would think; 'sounds nice in theory, but….'.

Now that I had survived the process, so far anyway, I could see the natural progression. I could see that what I thought were contradictory concepts between the religions and with the so called new age, fitted neatly together and when viewed as a whole, it all made sense.

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When the truth of reality shattered, the pieces of the truth were scattered. As we stumbled across these pieces of the truth, each piece of the truth was taken as the whole truth. Each piece of the truth was built upon, so that each piece of the truth became the whole truth to those who found it. They followed their small or large piece of the truth.

We need to remove what has been built on each fragment of the truth and take each piece back to its original form. This is extremely difficult because what was built on each piece of the truth has been extended and renovated over centuries and it is not easy to see where the foundation finishes and the building begins.

Only by stripping each fragment of truth back to its original condition will all the pieces of the puzzle fit neatly back together to reveal the whole truth.

Imagine a jigsaw puzzle, separate the pieces and then take each piece, using the original piece as the starting point, add to them so they become various shapes and sizes. Then, try to put the puzzle back together. The pieces are firstly too large, and the pieces are also different shapes. Some pieces may now be square, some pieces circular, some pieces rectangular or many sided. We cannot put the puzzle back together. The only way that we can put our jigsaw puzzle back together, is to return each piece to its original shape.

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As I was being given more and more information to pass on, I was becoming more humble. I felt unworthy of being given such a task, which made the fact that I was given the task harder to accept. The importance of the message that I was being asked to deliver was becoming far greater than I could have imagined. I was finding it harder to talk about what I was experiencing with anyone, even those who had supported and guided me from the beginning of my journey. I felt that my task was too big for me, and I felt too humble to talk about my task. The one exception was Graeme, but I only told him what I felt he was ready for. I needed to trust my instinct.

I cannot begin to imagine what I would have felt at this point if I had any concept of where my journey would eventually lead me, or the extent of the information that I would be given to pass on.

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It was difficult to explain that the information was not from me, but I knew that the record of my journey would demonstrate that the information was not from me.

In hindsight, I can see that I was still at a vulnerable stage. If I had been faced with a large volume of doubt from others, I would have attempted to abandon my journey without understanding why. I kept my own council for the most part, and this in effect protected me from the doubt of others until I had passed the point where I was vulnerable. I was only vulnerable because I did not understand exactly what was occurring.

I believed that when I had completed my transition into my 'second' life or my new world, I would be able to comfortably talk about anything. However, my attachment to my 'first' life or my old world, even though my attachment was tenuous, still caused me to disbelieve. I did not disbelieve what I was being shown, or what I was being told. I disbelieved that it was me who was being told and shown. I no longer found what I was experiencing frightening. I found what I was experiencing awesome.

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For many centuries in our existence the rain just came. We did not know or understand about cloud formation. How many centuries did it take for us to discover that the caterpillar and the butterfly were the same entity? We believed that the earth was flat for a far longer period than we have known that the earth is round. It is less than one century since we have begun to accept extraterrestrial life. Does our lack of knowledge of these few insignificant facts mean that they were not facts from the beginning?

How many times in our history has a popular and undeniable belief been shattered by an apparent accident? It can be easily demonstrated time and again that we, at our conscious level, have never had as much knowledge and understanding as we were arrogant enough to believe that we had. Before we are able to see the future clearly, we must learn from the past.

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None of the knowledge which I had been given since I was forced onto my correct path had come from me. The knowledge came through me. Until I was able to bypass my conscious mind, I had needed to read what I had written, to know what I had written.

On many occasions I had no idea that I had anything to write or say. I would be doing something, and I would stop what I was doing, go to my note book and start writing without a conscious thought in my mind.

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