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Searching for My Soul
Book One Searching for My Soul
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I knew that I needed to treat my soul like a classic car which had been neglected for years. I needed to strip my soul down to the chassis, and then carefully rebuild my soul, using only genuine parts. I needed to restore my soul to my soul's original condition.

I saw Trish for a Tarot reading. The reading was very similar to every other reading I'd had that year. I still did not quite understand how the Tarot worked. I was still amazed that I could select, subconsciously at random, nearly the same spread of cards in four Tarot readings which were months apart. I was still going to take a trip overseas that year, which I knew, but I did not see how I would be able to take a trip overseas. Everything was on track, but there were still delays to come. The choice I would have to make in respect of two potential partners was stronger than ever. One was someone I would meet from overseas, and the end result would still be happiness and contentment. I would have preferred the end result to be immediate instead of in the future, but I needed to be patient.

After my Tarot reading I visited Anne, I needed to talk about my reading. I was spending more and more time with Anne and we had a positive effect on each other. While I was talking with her, my spirit guides confirmed that I was going to England. They told me that I needed to find the house where my past life hanging had taken place. I did not know why I needed to find that house, but I knew I would find the house where my past life hanging had taken place.

I had one or another of my spirit guides with me constantly at this time, usually Amanda, but sometimes it was my father and occasionally Elsie. There were other spirit guides who I had not identified, although I could feel the personality of each different spirit guide.

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The pattern in my life continued. There were some days when I could not attend the office when I should have. I found myself delaying attending the office for a vague reason, but every time that I was unable to attend the office when I should have, I had insights which I needed to allow to surface. As soon as I had received, and understood all of the insights which I was to be given that morning, I would be able to attend the office, but until I had received, and understood those insights I could not attend the office. I knew that there was nothing that I could do about the situation, so I tried not to worry, and to accept the situation.

I continued to allow things to matter, which I knew did not matter. I continued to take on problems which I knew were not really my problems. I developed a formula for determining if something mattered, and if a problem was my problem. My formula helped a little, but even when I had determined that something did not matter, or that a problem was not my problem, I had a tendency to worry about whatever it was. I despaired at ever learning.

I was attempting to flow with events, and I was attempting to allow fate to decide what would happen, but I was not succeeding. I desperately wanted my journey to be over.

I was starting to dismantle myself. I needed to put a few pieces of myself back as I went. After I cleaned pieces of myself, I would put pieces of myself back, but often I put pieces of myself back wrong, or I put something back which did not belong.

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I was still going to my beach, whenever I needed clarity. One afternoon when I went to collect my boys, I felt that it was time to explain some of what I had been experiencing to Rose. I knew that I still had to endure a difficult period, and I needed Rose's understanding. I also told Rose something which I had learned during my previous Tarot reading, that our son James would go to hospital again, but James would be all right. At the time I did not know why I gave Rose this information, I usually kept such things to myself.

A few days later, I finished my second book of insights. I thought that I had finally done what I had needed to do, and that my life would start to come together. I was relieved that my task was nearly over. I was also wrong. That afternoon, I began my third book of insights.

I was a little concerned because some of the insights which I had been given seemed very similar, but I was told to record the insights as I received the insights, and to leave the insights unaltered. At this stage on my journey, I would know when I was told to do something, but I did not have any concept of who was telling me.

I was starting to see clearly how everything that occurred had a reason. The more that I reflected on my life, the more that I could see how everything fitted together. Events which I had always believed were coincidence, were not coincidence, they were all part of a pattern. I was being taken along a very specific path.

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I wrote a very long letter to Sally, I gave her a lot of detail, and I included most of what had been happening to me. My letter to Sally would prove invaluable in the future. I also told her what I knew was going to happen, and whenever I telephoned her in the coming weeks in despair because something had happened which I did not like, Sally would say to me; "What are you worried about, you knew that this was going to happen". In many ways, Sally was becoming my insurance policy.

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One of the issues which I was starting to have a real problem with, was; 'Why me?' I could not see any reason why I had been chosen to complete this task, choosing me did not make a lot of sense. I could come up with a hundred reasons why not me, but I could not understand why I had been chosen. 'Why me?' was a very useful weapon for my fears and doubts to use against me, but I handed the weapon to my fears and doubts regardless.

My definition of what constituted inner strength had changed. What I had believed for a lifetime, was inner strength was only fuelling my insecurities. I was now learning what inner strength really was. I was having difficulty coming to terms with the real meaning of inner strength, but changing the beliefs of a lifetime is not a simple process. Nevertheless, I believed that it should be a simple process, and I punished myself whenever I failed to learn. I was being very hard on myself. I was expecting too much from myself, too soon.

I began to focus on one insecurity at a time. I would isolate an insecurity, I would find the origins of the insecurity, and I would track it through my life to find every time that I had fuelled the insecurity. I could see how I had made my insecurities stronger. I would then track my life again, looking for evidence that the insecurity was baseless, and as I found the evidence, I would use it as ammunition to destroy the insecurity permanently.

This process sounds very logical in hindsight, but at the time I did not know exactly what I was doing. I was just doing it. It was a process which took every ounce of strength that I had, and made me relive moments in my life I would have preferred not to relive. I was also finding many things buried deep within me which I had forgotten. If I had been able to become detached, and watch the experience from the sidelines, the experience would have been fascinating. However, I was in the middle of the action, and I was far from fascinated at the time.

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I can now see the process and the progression clearly, the process was logical and made sense. However, at the time, I really did not know what was happening, and I did not like not knowing what was happening.

At this time, I no longer felt that I was going insane, but I did know that I was overloaded. I remained terrified at the prospect of taking on anyone else's problems, and I spent most of my time in solitude. I was incapable of taking on anyone else's problems. Dealing with my own difficulties, not only my current difficulties, but the difficulties of a lifetime, left absolutely no strength for me to even become aware of another's problems. Thus my solitude, which I despised at the time, was absolutely necessary.

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I was still gaining insights. Whenever I was on my correct path insights seemed to flood in, but they would slow down each time that I strayed from my correct path. I could see the pattern of my being given insights clearly, and I was beginning to use the pattern to guide me to my correct path.

As I started re-reading the insights, and as I started using the insights to assist me with the process of restoring my soul, I could clearly see the natural progression which the insights were taking.

Coincidences continued to occur. I would do something different, or by accident only to be led to an insight, or to a little more understanding. It was becoming clearer all of the time, that my life was being directed by outside forces. In reality my life was being directed by inside forces, but I was viewing what occurred in reverse.

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I was restoring my soul. I was fighting hard to leave my old values out of myself, and to build my new values into myself, but the process was very difficult at times. I was still became depressed, and I still struggled to learn what really mattered, and what did not matter.

Even though I knew that I was meant to complete the process of restoring my soul alone, my knowledge did not stop me from feeling lonely, especially when I was fighting a particularly hard battle, or when I had a good victory over myself, and I wanted to share my victory. These were the times when I missed Marie the most. There were many times when I wanted to telephone Marie just to hear her voice, but I never did telephone Marie.

I was continually reaching out to people, and finding that they were not there. The two people who I knew would be there for me, were the two people I did not reach out to. I knew that I needed to complete the process of restoring my soul alone.

Whenever I was experiencing a difficult time, I went to my beach for clarity, and I usually found the cause of my problem in the peace of my beach. Mostly I seemed to be trying to live up to someone else's expectations, which were based on values which I no longer believed in. Every part of my battle seemed intertwined, not only with each other, but with my soul as well.

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I continued to attempt to change everything that was not right, and I continued to let things which were not important, concern me. My inability to learn what I knew, was causing my stress to increase, which made restoring my soul all the more difficult.

When I believed that I was facing all I needed to face, problems within another part of my business life began to gain momentum. My problems seemed to be growing, when I thought that my problems should be diminishing. I despaired at the process ever ending, and I despaired at ever regaining my peace.

Graeme was away, so I decided to consult his temporary replacement Susan. I was not very comfortable with consulting Susan, but I needed another perspective. I was still learning about how life worked, and I had not grasped the concept that nothing was by accident.

I knew that I needed to find a way to resolve the conflict between my new values and my old values, which seemed to be ripping me apart. My impatience was not helping matters either. I wanted the process to finish, even though I knew that I was not living with my soul.

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For the most part, the only person with whom I was allowed to spend time, was Anne. Mostly Anne was adopting a support role for me, and she continued to encourage me. There was a pattern here too. I would face my battles in solitude when I could not make plans work to be with anyone, even Anne. Then I would be given a little respite from my solitude, when I was able to spend some time with Anne.

I was learning to allow fate to decide what was to be. When I planned something, I had learned to develop a contingency plan. If my plans fell through, I accepted I was supposed to do the alternative, and did not allow myself to become too depressed.

I questioned if I would ever complete the restoration of my soul. I would feel guilty about nearly everything I did. If I did one thing, I would feel guilty about not doing another. I was never quite sure what I was meant to be doing, and I drifted from one thing to another.

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Several months earlier, I had driven past a house and, for no apparent reason, I thought; 'That is where I will live and work'. I drove past that house again, and I again felt that the house was to be my home, which was confirmed by Amanda, who was with me most of the time during these early stages of my journey. I could not see any way that the house could become mine. I could not afford the house, and I would be surprised if I could ever afford the house, except in my imagination. At this time, I had experienced enough to accept that owning the house was possible. It was the same house that I had seen in my vision whilst I was on the island.

More and more my spirit guides, usually Amanda, would confirm things that were going to happen. My spirit guides would never give me any detail, only the end result. I retained my doubts, but everything seemed to be progressing, as I knew that everything would progress. However, I had not known how difficult my journey would be, let alone how difficult my journey would become.

There were times when my mind felt totally blocked, as if there was knowledge within which I needed to know, but I could not quite reach.

A clear process for dealing with issues was starting to develop. Firstly my mind would wrestle with something for a few hours, or days. Then my emotions would kick in, and my emotions would have a turn wrestling the issue. Finally the issue would find its way to my soul, and I would see the answer clearly. I knew that it was part of the process, and that it was the first step in learning how to bypass my mind and emotions completely and go straight to my soul.

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During this period there were times when I became depressed and despaired, and there were times when I was happy and laughing. The times when I was happy and laughing, were usually when I was with Anne.

I was having major difficulties balancing my old values and my new values. My new values were taking me down a path which I knew that I must follow, and my old values were telling me that I was wrong, and that I should be on another path. I did not know how I could possibly handle all that I was experiencing, by myself.

I continued to be concerned by what people thought about me. Day to day events, which I had handled in my stride for years, I could no longer handle. The values which I had developed throughout my lifetime were telling me that I was running away, but my new values were telling me that I was not running away, I was accepting reality.

My inherent problem was that I had not regained my belief in myself. I was not living with my soul. I was not letting go of the past. My old values had been buried deeper within me than I had anticipated.

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I thought that I was slowly getting somewhere, and that I would soon have completed my journey. In a way I was correct, but I did not realise that all I was completing was the preparation for my journey.

I knew that my life was changing. I knew that my direction was changing. I knew that very little from my old life mattered. Nevertheless, I continued to allow my old life to matter and I began to despair. I telephoned Sally who as usual, had the key which I needed to open the door which was blocking my path.

I opened the door, and took the next step on my journey. Two things happened that I did not realise were related at the time. However, with hindsight I could see clearly that the two things were related.

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In the process of taking myself apart I had found anger and hurt that I had buried deeply. I knew that I could not rebuild myself without removing the anger and hurt, because the anger and hurt did not belong as a part of my true self.

Coincidentally, the day after I had discovered the anger and hurt buried deep within, I first consulted Susan who was looking after Graeme's practice. We were to have a number of consultations before we were finished, and the consultations would prove interesting. Susan specialised in re-grieving events and hurts from the past. I did not believe that re-grieving the events and hurts from my past was necessary, and I disagreed with Susan, very strongly at times.

However, re-grieving events and hurts from my past was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to release my past anger. In hindsight, it was not coincidence that Susan should enter my life when this part of the process began, and leave my life again when I moved on to the next phase of the process. I needed to remove the anger and hurt by myself, and I disagreed with Susan throughout the process, but I did listen to what Susan said, and I had to admit, that a lot of what Susan said made sense. Nevertheless, I did not believe that what Susan suggested, advised or counselled was what I needed.

I began a new process, that of grieving. I was reliving my pain from the past. I was grieving, and I was releasing a lot of anger which I had not known was within me. I went to my beach for some relief, but all that I found was more anger.

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I remembered the times in my life when I had been strong, and I knew that I was strong. Facing what I needed to face by myself, took strength, all of the strength that I possessed, but the process was also making me stronger.

I despaired at ever living with my soul. I needed persistence and patience, which did not mean that I could always find persistence and patience.

I felt that the pace of my journey was stepping up a little. Events in the office certainly seemed to be coming to a head. There was very little that I could do but flow with what was occurring, which was what I should have been doing all along.

As the days passed, I was continually surprised that I was finding more and more anger which needed to be released. I had an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss with me at this time, and I knew that I had to release my sadness and loss as well.

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I needed to be alone for this process, but I was extremely lonely. I longed for company, for some respite which I knew would not be forthcoming. Day after day I faced sorrow, and I faced sorrow alone. I knew that my experience was necessary, and I did not become depressed, just very, very sad. I did not know how long it would take to remove the sorrow from within me. In fact, I had not known that most of the sorrow that I had discovered within myself, existed.

I began to think that my life was no more than delusion, and I began to dwell on how miserable I felt. It seemed that I was being hit with one problem after another to add to the pressure of my past sorrows. There was no relief in sight, and I did not know how much more I would be asked to or able to endure.

I became very angry. I was angry at being so close to having my dreams come true, only to have them ripped away from me. I had believed that I had paid my dues throughout my life, and I believed that it had been 'my turn' which made the experience more difficult to come to terms with. I continually attempted to determine what I had done wrong. I saw myself as a good person, and I could not understand why I needed to experience what I was experiencing. I had lost sight of the purpose of my experience.

I was very confused. I had an idea of what was happening, but not much of an idea. I attempted to flow with what I was experiencing, and I attempted to be positive, but I did not seem to be able to do either.

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I knew that I had been given a period of solitude to deal with my pain, but I did not like my solitude. I was fed up with solitude, and I was very lonely. I went to my beach.

I was ready to commence the next part of the process. I needed to forgive. I needed to take all of the painful events in my life which I had rediscovered within me, and I needed to forgive, one by one.

I had not been sleeping well for many weeks which was also taking its toll on me. I felt lethargic and tired most of the time, but whenever I attempted to sleep, I could not shut my mind down. I stopped trying to sleep. Whenever I could not sleep I watched videos and sometimes I fell asleep, there was nothing else that I could do.

By reliving my hurt I had discovered patterns or circles in my life. The same patterns had been repeated over and over again. I knew that I would break the pattern and stop travelling circles. In fact, by enduring what I was enduring, I was breaking the pattern of my life.

In hindsight, fate had been kind in allowing me solitude to fight the battle within myself. It had been a time of cleansing for me.

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I continued to review my life. Sometimes, I felt that I was reliving my life one day at a time. I could see how everything that had occurred during my lifetime fell into place, and had brought me to this moment. I could see why everything that had occurred during my lifetime had been necessary.

Suddenly, my solitude was over. I had not seen or spoken to anyone for several days. Then one day, I had lunch with Anne, I received a telephone call from Felix, an old friend who was living interstate, I had dinner with another old friend, and mentor Col. When I returned home I spent hours on the telephone with both Anne and Sally. I was finally being given some respite from my solitude. During the next few days I was able to spend time with Anne, and I arranged to see another old friend and mentor, Rodney.

I attended the office most days, did what I needed to do and returned home. Other days, I was unable to attend the office at all, and my business partners were becoming frustrated with me.

The situation within the business was coming to a head, as I knew it would. I had been told not to worry about my position within the business, but I did worry. I was scared, because I needed an income. As usual when I became desperate, I turned to Sally for guidance.

That night I explained much of what I was experiencing, mostly from the perspective of the business to Rodney. I listened to what he had to say. I knew that I was only able to meet with him at this time, because he had some advice that I needed. After he left, I thought about what he had said until the early hours of the morning, when I finally received my answer.

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I did take heart, because even though I had told Rodney much of what I was experiencing, and I had told him about my books, he did not doubt, or if he did doubt, he did not show his doubt. Rodney was supportive, just has Col had been supportive.

It was significant that although I had only told a few people about what I was experiencing, and about the books I was writing, not one person had shown me any doubt. I had expected people to express doubt, but the only person I could see who was doubting, was me.

I was not in control of what was happening, and I did not like not being in control. I had made the decision to flow with events, the best I that could, but then again I did not seem to have much choice. Destiny is destiny.

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The following morning, I met with my senior business partner. I gave him a letter detailing exactly what was wrong with the business, and how I was unable to cope with what was wrong with the business. We agreed that I would take a month off work with pay and then review my situation. Fate had again stepped in.

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