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Searching for My Soul
Book One Searching for My Soul
Stumbling Into The Chasm
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My journey had led me to a deep chasm in my path. The chasm was too wide to cross, and too long to go around. All that I could do was go into the chasm and climb out the other side. The problem was that I did not see the chasm, even as I walked along the edge trying to find a way around the chasm, even when I stumbled into the chasm, and even when I climbed out of the chasm again, I did not know that the chasm was there. I could only see the chasm, and see the chasm for what it was, when I stood on the other side and looked back over the path which I had travelled.

I became ill. I had contracted a virus. I was physically very weak and some days it was all I could do to get out of bed. The times when I felt the loneliest were when things were going badly, or when things were going very well. These were the times when I needed someone to share with, but fate had decided that I needed a few more weeks of solitude.

I saw Anne on a few occasions, but we had stopped being able to communicate and spending time with Anne no longer had a positive affect on me. In fact, spending time with her now had the opposite affect. Friends who were supposed to visit did not turn up, and it seemed that I could not get any plans to work out. I was left with my continual solitude.

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I attended my weekly lunch with my business partner, but I did not want to be there. I could feel every problem that my business partner mentioned begin to consume me. I needed to attend the office the next day, the effect of which confirmed why I could not attend the office. I was not coping with anything very well, and I did not know why.

It seemed that everyone with whom I spoke relayed some problem or other within my business. Despite my efforts, I took the problems within my business on board, and I allowed them to consume me.

I started to think about all the times when things had not worked out in my life. I became depressed, and I began to wallow in self pity. I happened to see Marie for the first time in several weeks. My reaction surprised me. I did not feel sadness, and I did not feel overwhelming love. I wanted to hold Marie in my arms, and I wanted her to tell me that everything would be all right.

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When I went to Melbourne for my consultancy contract, I decided to stay over the weekend to catch up with Sally, and another friend Felix. When I arrived in Melbourne, I found that the hotel where I always stayed had changed owners and names. It was my favourite hotel which contained many fond and some bitter memories for me. The change of name and ownership did not mean anything, but it did emphasise that I was experiencing a year of endings.

I spent a quiet night in my room. I tried to relax but the vision which I'd had of my marriage was very much on my mind, probably because of my bitter sweet memories of the hotel. I endured a very restless night.

The next day, I attended to the various business matters which I needed to address. I had dinner with Sally and as usual we talked for hours. I explained many of my experiences to Sally who provided encouragement and direction. However, I did not accept Sally's guidance as I usually did. In hindsight, I should have.

I spent most of the following day with Sally. We talked about our lives. I began to focus on the negatives in my life and I found myself becoming depressed. At that time both of our lives were in turmoil, and even though I knew that everything would work out for us both, what I knew did not seem very real on that day. Neither of us could see how things could possibly work out the way that I knew that everything would work out.

Sally was to call me exactly one year after that day, and we would reflect on all that did occur during the year following our negative day. It was only when I received that telephone call one year later, that I understood the reason and the significance, of that day when Sally and I had sat quietly in her home, and shared the difficulties of our respective lives.

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That night, I went out with Felix and his friends. I was still feeling sorry for myself, and focussing on the negatives in my life. I did manage to relax, and I enjoyed myself regardless of my negative focus.

I left Melbourne early the following morning. It was Father's Day and I was going to spend a relaxing afternoon with my boys. At this point I remained at the edge of the chasm, trying to find a way around. As a result, I was experiencing dramatic mood swings. Sometimes, I was very positive, and sometimes I was very negative. Marie was on my mind far too often. Sometimes I felt my spirit guides with me, and sometimes I felt totally alone.

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That night I fell into the chasm. I arrived home after seeing my boys, and I began to do some work when Anne arrived, unannounced and very drunk.

Anne's mood swings were tangible, one minute Anne would be kind and sensitive, and the next minute Anne would be hurtful and aggressive only to swing back again almost immediately, with no recollection of what had happened.

In one of Anne's dark moments, she dared me to look into her soul. I looked into Anne's soul, long and hard. The longer and harder that I looked into her soul, the more she dared me to look into her soul. What I saw in Anne's soul scared me. What I saw was malevolent, almost pure evil, and I began to think that she may be possessed. I could feel the malevolence within her soul starting to consume me and I was frightened.

I did not know it at the time, but Anne was about to leave my life for a while. We would stay in touch, but that was all. Shortly before Anne was to return to my life, I saw the truth. It was not the darkness within Anne that had frightened me, but the darkness within my own soul that had been reflected back to me.

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I wanted to help Anne, but I believed that the malevolence with Anne's soul was something I could not handle. I attempted to convince Anne that she had a problem, and that she should seek help. I know that I got through to her, but she refused to acknowledge that she had a problem and refused to accept that she needed help. I did speak with Anne's father about her problems. He knew that she needed help, but he did not know how to help her either.

I thought about Anne a lot that day. I knew that I would not turn my back on her, but I also knew that I could not allow her to drag me down with her. I did not know what to do next.

I was becoming confused and lethargic. I prayed for guidance. I do not know who I prayed to, because at this point I was far from convinced that God existed. I found myself drawn to my beach as usual when I was troubled or needed clarity, or just needed some peace.

I spent several hours at my beach. I knew when I left my beach was that I would do my best to help Anne without exposing myself. I did speak with her on a number of occasions, and as I listened to her I had the feeling that I had gotten through.

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I went to see Anne one night, but the visit did not go well. I tried to communicate, but she was drunk, and I could see the darkness within her soul again. I gave up. I knew that I was wasting my time when she was drunk.

I continued to be informed by everybody with whom I spoke, about what was happening within in my business. I knew that I was taking the problems on board. I could not ignore them. They were not my problems, but I felt that they were my problems. I was unable to let go of my old life. In fact, I did not know how to let go of my old life.

I continued to gain insights. Sometimes I would be given two or three insights a day, and at other times I would not receive an insight for several days. The time when I was getting between six and twelve insights a day seemed finished. I did not know why.

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One day I had two consultations with Graeme, I had not seen Graeme for some time, and I was not coping with my life very well. We decided that we would have one consultation in the morning, and another in the afternoon, after I had my weekly lunch with my business partner.

The morning consultation was good, but in hindsight, I was focussing on the wrong issues. This in itself was my real problem, the issues that I was focussing on, and the problems that I was trying to address were not my problems, but by focussing on the issues, I had made them my problems.

I had lost sight of what I was supposed to be doing. I was addressing problems that only needed to be addressed in my old life. They were not going to be part of my new life. As always, my hindsight vision is impeccable, but at the time I saw these issues, which were not really my issues, as my problems.

I was experiencing all of the classic symptoms of stress. However, at this point I did not understand that the stress had been imposed on me to force me to let go of the past. I did not understand that all I had needed to do was release the past, to be free of the stress. I desperately wanted to be free of stress, but I was stubbornly and unknowingly hanging on. All that I had needed to do, was let go of my old life. The solution to my difficulties had been that simple, but at the time that difficult.

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Graeme and I discussed Anne's problems, and how I should address them, which was in reality the only external issue that needed to address, and the only one that I was approaching correctly.

Mostly, we discussed the apparent causes of my stress. I gave Graeme example after example of the problems that existed within my business. We both knew I needed to learn how to deal with the problems within my business, or I would crack.

We discussed my emotions in respect of Marie. Graeme agreed with Sally, who thought that I should approach Marie. However, my instinct was very sharp in this respect, and my instinct would not allow me to approach her. I did know enough at this point, to accept what my instinct told me, regardless of the reason. I did trust my instinct, which was something.

I can see now, that I held a snake in each hand, and that I was attempting to stop the snakes biting me. The only way that I could stop the snakes biting me, was to let the snakes go, but I did not want to let the snakes go. I stumbled further into the chasm.

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I had a quiet lunch with my business partner. I was handling every issue that he raised fairly well, until he mentioned that he wanted me to return to the office because I had already exceeded the month off which we had agreed upon.

I felt my back tighten. I felt my head bow. I became terrified at the prospect of returning to the office. I knew what had happened, but I could not understand what had happened. I believed that I should have been able to handle every situation in my stride.

During my second consultation with Graeme, it was clear that my problem was a terror of having to embrace the problems within my business. We explored ways for me to deal with what was for me, a genuine terror. Graeme said that I needed to return to the office and not embrace the problems within my business. I suspected that he was right, but I did not know how to follow his advice.

When I arrived home, I was depressed and I was lonely. I did not know what had happened, and I could not see where I'd gone wrong. I went to my beach desperately looking for answers, but it was one of the few occasions when I did not find any answers at my beach.

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As I stumbled to the bottom of the chasm, I became extremely depressed, and suicidal. I felt very much alone. I had lost all hope, and I could not see a way out of the situation which I was in. I did not know at that point, that it was the chasm which I could not see a way out of.

I believed that what I was experiencing was a test, and that I needed to have courage. I asked my father's spirit for guidance. I knew that I needed to go away, but I did not know how I would be able to go anywhere.

I wanted to do something, anything to bring my problems to a conclusion, but my instinct told me to do nothing and as hard as doing nothing was, I knew that I would trust my instinct. I knew that by maintaining my trust in my instinct, everything would eventually work out for the best.

Seeing what I was experiencing as a test was the only way that I was able to maintain any hope. I needed to keep going. I needed to continue believing. I needed to pass my karmic test, and not commit suicide. I needed to have the courage of my convictions. I prayed for the test to end, but I knew that the test would not end quickly.

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I knew my terror at returning to my business was real and I did not like it. Nor could I understand why it existed, although I knew that there had to be a reason why it existed. Something was keeping me away from my business. I had touched on the truth, but I did not realise how close I was to the answer which I sought.

I did not know if I was supposed to overcome my terror and return to my business, or if my terror at returning to my business was something that I was not meant to overcome.

My real difficulty was that my instinct and my character were simultaneously pulling me in different directions. I was struggling to remain in one piece. There were times when I felt that the conflict between my instinct and my character would rip in me two. As difficult as following my instinct was, I did follow my instinct, but at the time I felt that I was running away.

I spoke with a number of friends looking for guidance, but the answers that I received were evenly balanced between not returning to my business until I had overcome my terror, and returning to my business to work through my terror. Discussing my difficulty with my friends had not provided me with the clarity which I had hoped for.

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I also spoke with Anne during this period, but I did not see Anne. We were struggling to communicate between my depression, and Anne's constantly alternating personality.

I began reviewing aspects of my life again to prove to myself that there was always a way out, and that I needed to be patient. One day I was able to visit Nancy, but for the most part I was meant to face the continuing battle within myself alone. Plans which I attempted to make did not eventuate.

I needed to attend the office on occasion. I usually attended the office at night. I was working from home and whenever I attended the office, even though there was nobody there, I saw the problems within my business which deepened my depression.

I reached a point where I wanted to wipe my hands of everyone, and shut the world out. I was becoming more depressed all of the time and I began looking for a reason to go on living, which I struggled to find. It was only my knowledge of my karma that kept me going.

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I was desperate to do something, anything to restore my hope. I was feeling very alone, and I was missing Marie. All that I wanted to do was reach out to Marie, but I knew that I would not reach out to her.

Whenever my depression became particularly severe, Sally seemed to telephone me which kept me going. I went to collect my boys, and my depression temporarily lifted.

I felt that I needed to act. I did not know how to do nothing. Doing nothing went against my character. I began to attempt to force something to happen, but all that I achieved was to move in circles at the bottom of my chasm.

Everybody seemed to want to tell me how strong I was, but I did not feel strong. I felt weak. I wanted someone to lean on, but other than for the occasional brief moment there was nobody to lean on.

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My depression returned. I did not seem to be able to shake my depression for long. Something would happen and I would lift my spirits, but before long I would find myself depressed again. It seemed that I could not stay positive no matter what I tried.

I continued to spend most of my time alone. I had reached a point where I accepted that I was meant to be alone. I spoke with Anne occasionally, but did not see her. I spent a little time with Rose now and then, but other than my regular contact with Sally, fate ensured that I faced my destiny in solitude.

I seldom slept, and when I did sleep, I was restless. I did not seem to be able to get any rest. I felt myself being pulled to England.

I continued to have regular consultations with Graeme. We developed some options for me to give to my business partner. I wanted to allow my business partner to decide my future in respect of my business, or more appropriately I intended to allow fate to make my decision for me.

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I was given a little respite. I enjoyed a very relaxing and positive dinner with an old friend on one occasion, and I was able to spend the afternoon with other friends on another occasion. Mostly, my days were the same and began to run into each other. I continued to go in circles, and there was no end in sight.

I had my weekly lunch with my business partner who presented me more problems to consume me. I knew that something had to end my intense depression and solitude. I gave my business partner the options which Graeme and I had developed. I believed that fate would make my decision through my business partner. Fate did make my decision, but not as I expected or hoped. The decision which fate made was no decision, and I would have lunch with my business partner again the following week, to discuss his, or fate's decision. I thought that I would endure my intense experience of depression and solitude for another week, and then I would be given clear direction.

The pattern of my life continued. I spoke with friends on the telephone now and then, and I attended the occasional business meeting, but mostly I dealt with my stress and depression in solitude.

My days dragged on. I did not do much of anything. I did not see the point. The only thing that I was doing was punishing myself and looking for ways to intensify my depression, or so it seemed.

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I did go to lunch with a friend one day, but all that I achieved was to drink too much, and become even more lonely and depressed, which I had not believed was possible. I spoke with Anne now and then, but she was leaving my life and I was letting her go.

I maintained my solitude with only the occasional break. I saw Nancy occasionally. One day we went to see a movie, which was the only time I had been able to relax for several weeks.

Most days, I was unable to even speak with anyone on the telephone. Spending so much time alone emphasised how much I was missing Marie. I became more depressed daily, and I could not lift myself out of my depression no matter what I did. I reached a point where I began to doubt my life, and to doubt if I was really experiencing, what I was experiencing. I could not even begin to understand why I had been given my task. Nor did I want my task. I wanted my life back.

I attempted to see Trish to have another Tarot reading. I was desperately searching for something to hang on to, but Trish was unavailable. I had lost my belief in myself and I had lost my hope. I despaired at ever getting either my belief in myself, or my hope back.

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One day Sally telephoned me. She was incredibly happy, her life was falling into place, and I was extremely happy for her. Sally deserved to have her life come together, but so did I and whilst I was extremely happy for Sally, in many ways her happiness emphasised what a mess my life was, which saddened me to the point of tears.

It became obvious that I was not going to be given anything to hang on to, except whatever remained of my belief. I began to believe that what I was experiencing was designed to test my belief. I knew that I needed to maintain my belief, regardless of what occurred. Knowing that I was experiencing a test of my belief did not lift my depression. I did not see how I was going to pass the test. In fact, I believed that I had failed the test.

My days wore on, and slowly little things began to go my way. My period of stalling and stumbling in circles at the bottom of the chasm was over. I began to pick myself up. I was able to speak with Rose occasionally, she had faith in me which helped.

Finally, I believed in the future again. I knew that everything would work out. I was confident and I was not concerned. I felt that I had ridden out my depression and doubt without really losing my underlying belief, for long.

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