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Searching for My Soul
Book Two Seeking the Knowledge Within

My Identity Revealed.

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I discussed my journey with Nancy one night. Nancy asked me to explain my past-life regressions. Nancy then recalled two of her past-life regressions, one of her past-life regressions was clear, and the other past-life regression was vague. Nancy had also experienced other flashes of memory. The principle of Nancy's experiences had been similar to when Rose had connected with her spirit guides. I had not given Nancy enough detail for her to describe what she had experienced, based solely on what I had told her.

Another thing which I found disconcerting was that although I had an increasing suspicion as to my true identity, I had not voiced my suspicion to anyone. Initially, I had thought that my identity was something to do with Moses, but I had subsequently realized that my identity was something to do with Jesus.

All that I had said to anyone, was that there was a reason why I needed to undertake my task. First Rose and then Nancy, had both immediately identified me as the person whom I had come to suspect that I had been. Each time, and again as I wrote my notes, I had felt a presence from the spirit plane, which usually meant that the information which I had learned was being confirmed.

However, I was not ready to fully acknowledge my identity. I suspected that I was fighting against receiving the knowledge which would confirm my identity for many reasons. One reason was that I was not happy at the thought of having been the person, whom I suspected that I had been. I did not want to have been that person. The other reason was that I was concerned about what people would think if I claimed, or more accurately acknowledged, that I had been this person. All that I could do was wait until I was sure of who I had been, before acknowledging my 'identity'.

I realized that the flashes which I had been receiving the previous night, had been from my lifetime when my task had really begun, nearly two thousand years previously, mixed with memories from this lifetime.

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God said, "Your suspicion is correct my son."

Strangely, God's confirmation was not enough for me. I needed to learn, or more accurately I needed to remember, for myself.

"I know, and I knew that this would be so. You will remember, and you will know beyond doubt why you were chosen."

I knew that all I could do was relax, meditate and allow my memories to surface. In fact, my memories had already started to surface. I knew that it was the person, whom I had remembered being, when I had worn a robe and sandals, who was my 'identity'.

I understood that one of my major concerns was that I would be unable to prove my identity, from the perspective of the earth plane. However, I knew that proving my identity from the perspective of the earth was unimportant.

Nor did it matter if people accepted my identity or not. The acceptance of others was irrelevant. I knew that the record of my experiences was in itself unimportant. All that is important, is that those who are ready find the key to their own awareness within my words. Nobody's answers, other than mine, are in my words. Everybody's answer is within himself or herself, just as my answers are within me.

I began to understand that it had not been God who had required me to perform this task. God had forgiven me. It had been me, knowing my true 'identity', who had required me to fulfil this task. When I had become enlightened as the Native American boy, when I had remembered who I was, I had known that I had God's forgiveness. It was my own forgiveness which I was seeking, and which was the reason why I had made the agreement with God to complete this task. It was then that I, myself had created the destiny which I was now fulfilling.

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A number of small incidents that occurred around me seemed to confirm that everything was 'coming together'. I was looking for clues as to my identity. After wasting time looking for clues to my identity, I drew on my knowledge that I would not find any answers by looking for them. I would know the truth from within, and only from within. I needed to be patient, and I needed to allow my knowledge to surface.

I found myself considering many unfulfilled opportunities in respect of the business. I saw that it would be relatively easy to bring the unfulfilled opportunities to fruition. I believed that I would not bring the unfulfilled opportunities to fruition, although I did want to bring the unfulfilled opportunities to fruition. I was saddened by the undelivered promise of the business, and I believed that I would do nothing about the undelivered promise of the business. I had made suggestions, but my ideas had been discounted which should not have surprised me. My ideas had often been discounted, which is why I had reached a point in my business life where I had done things first and told people later.

I reflected that 95% of my ideas had been successful when I had been able to drive my ideas myself. People had often discounted my ideas, and had come up with all sorts of reasons why my ideas would not work, prior to my ideas coming to fruition. There was nothing new in this pattern. I knew the pattern would never change if I returned to my old world. I had always had an ability to see what others could not see, and I knew that such was my fate. I also knew that it did not matter.

What did surprise me was that I would develop many of the missed opportunities and unfulfilled promises of the business before my journey was complete. However, I would not develop any of the missed opportunities or unfulfilled promises of the business, until after I had finally accepted that I could not save the business.

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I was reminded that my destiny had me alternating between the earth plane and what I believed was the higher plane. I was to realize that I had really only reached the spirit plane. I could understand that alternating between planes was why I continued to consider the aspects of my old world, and why I was having difficulty adjusting to my new world. However, I did not like the experience.

My current challenge was to learn how to view all things from the perspective of the higher plane, whilst I remained attached to the earth plane. Having learned the correct perspective, and having understood the key, I now needed to live what I had learned. The pattern was familiar.

I meditated and I understood that I had created much of the environment which was around me at this time, to test my perspective. I had recreated many experiences, which I had previously discarded, to give myself the opportunity to view my environment from the correct perspective. I knew that my environment would remain with me, until I did view all from the correct perspective.

I reflected upon my life, to look for patterns within my life's experiences which would show me that my suspicions about my true identity were correct. I considered my past actions, but I could not see any pattern which indicated my true identity. When I considered the actions of people around my friends and myself, I recognized a pattern which had been apparent for many years. It was this pattern which provided me with the indications that I had been looking for. My suspicion was correct, the pattern existed within my life's experiences, but the pattern was in reverse of what I had anticipated.

I could also see that the pattern was 'coincidentally' present in the environment which I had created at this point in time. Trish had warned me about this aspect of my environment many months previously. I had also encountered this aspect of my environment, and discounted the significance of this aspect of my environment, a few months after Trish's initial warning.

Initially, I had not understood why this aspect of my environment had resurfaced. The pattern which I had seen throughout my life's experiences, the aspect which I had experienced many times, and the aspect which I now felt was…. betrayed.

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I reflected on my previous lifetimes from what I saw as my post Native American period, and I saw the pattern of betrayal over and over again.

I remembered how I had been betrayed during my lifetime as a Native American. I knew who it was who had betrayed me then, and I knew that the person had betrayed me in other lifetimes as well. I saw the pattern clearly, lifetime after lifetime, and I understood that this pattern had been a part of that person's role within my earth plane existence. Why that person had been selected for the role of my betrayer within my earth plane existence, I did not know. I did not believe that why the person had been selected for the role of my betrayer mattered. However, in time I would remember why that person had been selected for the role of my betrayer.

It was becoming apparent that learning to look at all things from the correct perspective, and discovering my true identity were somehow linked, which did not surprise me because I had discovered linked experiences previously.

I wanted to share what I had learned about this pattern of betrayal with somebody, but who would believe me? I did know that it did not matter if I was believed or not. If I started worrying about what people thought again, I would lose sight of my perspective. I was not surprised by the reality of how many events from a number of lifetimes were inter-related. Links between our different lifetimes is a feature of the reality of our existence.

In all honesty I knew my true identity without doubt at this point, and I had known my true identity for some time. I now accepted my true identity, but I did not want to accept my true identity.

The reason why I did not want to accept my true identity, was not because of what I had done, nor was it because of who I was. My difficulty in accepting my true identity was because I had always had the perception that anybody who claimed to have been someone 'famous' in a previous life, was delusional.

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The person whom I had been, had not been known for good deeds or for anything other than being a weak human, which in itself did not concern me. A weak human was basically what I had been in all of my post Native American lifetimes. It was the fact that I was once someone, who is still remembered, which I did not like. I refused to acknowledge my true identity fully, even to myself.

God spoke, and yet it was as if it was not God. It was as if a single drop from the ocean which is God spoke to me. I knew that the one who spoke to me, was the one known as the greatest teacher, but I refused to acknowledge his identity.

He said, "Why do you not accept who you are, my friend?"

I knew that the experience was real, as the experience happened. I knew who had spoken to me. Despite all that I had learned, despite all that I had experienced, a part of me screamed; 'How can this be, you must be insane.'

I thought that perhaps I had not embraced my true identity, to prove to myself that I was sane. I did however, begin to wonder if somehow my insane mind had created the doubts from within my insanity, to make me think that I was sane, when I was not sane.

All that I could do was accept the reality of what I had experienced. I concluded that if everything that had happened, did in fact happen, then my experiences must be real.

I was once again confusing myself. I suspected that my fear was that everything which I had experienced was real, and that my fear was not that all that I had experienced was not real.

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I craved an end to my journey. I knew that each of us have a point where enlightenment is gained permanently, because I had reached the point where enlightenment is gained permanently, when I had been a Native American in the lifetime prior to when I was the Native American boy agreeing to fulfil my destiny. I thought that I would not gain permanent enlightenment in this lifetime. I thought that the destiny which I needed to fulfil prevented me from gaining permanent enlightenment. However, I did not really understand enlightenment at this point, nor did I understand what was meant by the term 'this lifetime'.

I was reminded that I would only remember what I was ready to remember, and I was reminded that I would not have been given my task, if I did not have the ability to complete my task.

Later, I was reminded that the key to knowledge was acceptance. I was closer to accepting my true identity, but I was still looking for external confirmation of my true identity, which I knew was a waste of time. I suspected that I sought external confirmation of my true identity, as an excuse for not accepting my true identity.

I was at peace most of the time during this period, but there were moments when I was lonely, especially when my soul left me in search of knowledge. I did not quite understand exactly what happened, I did not quite understand where my soul went, and I did not quite understand why my soul needed to go 'away', but I did know that my soul left me in search of knowledge.

I was not sure whether my soul was on the spirit plane, or my soul on the higher plane which exists within us all. I suspected that my soul was on the higher plane. I knew that I was the one blocking the knowledge from myself, but I could not really understand why I would block this knowledge from myself. However, I still suspected that my fear was that everything that I had experienced was real, not that everything that I had experienced was an illusion.

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I seemed to be going in circles, but I knew that I was not going in circles. I knew I was acquiring knowledge, and that I was slowly accepting more of the knowledge within. I was slowly finding my way up the 'mountain', although there were times when I needed to retrace my steps to find the correct path from which I continued to stray, seemingly at every opportunity.

I did know that I would continue to take every wrong turn, because it was my destiny to take every wrong turn, but I did not like taking every wrong turn very much.

I continued to review my life, past and present. I continued to learn from my lifetime's experiences. I continued to understand aspects of my experiences which I had not seen previously. I knew that I would continue to review my lifetime and learn missed lessons. However, I was reviewing more than this lifetime, I was remembering and learning from my previous lifetimes as well.

I entered the spirit plane. Whilst on the spirit plane I was placed in circumstances which required me to give my life, in order to save the life of another. I was surprised to find that I would give my own life in exchange for the person who had betrayed me during a number of lifetimes. I realized that I had truly forgiven that person, and that the only feeling which I had retained for that person was love. This spirit plane experience allowed me to understand that God had forgiven me for my betrayal, nearly two thousand years earlier.

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I was beginning to see with increasing clarity why my 'betrayal' lifetime after lifetime had been necessary. I needed to fully understand why it was that God could forgive my betrayal. There was one thing which I knew, but I did not understand. Even when I had gained enlightenment previously, I had held on to the guilt of my betrayal. I could not understand how holding onto guilt after enlightenment was possible, but nevertheless I had retained my guilt beyond my enlightenment.

I did not understand for some time what I would need to do, or where and when I would need to travel to, before I could finally free myself of my guilt from the betrayal. In fact, it was only after I had completed that particular journey and returned that I did understand what I needed to do, to release my guilt.

Nor did I understand, despite my experiences up to that point, exactly what was possible on the spirit plane. I had no concept of how the spirit plane was utilized to provide us with the knowledge of alternative events, which we did not need to experience on the physical plane.

I knew that it was necessary for me to complete my journey, step by step to the higher plane, so that I would forever free myself of the guilt which I had retained after the betrayal. My retained guilt was why I had not been able to ascend previously. My retained guilt was why I had agreed to undertake this task. I had known, as had God, that the guilt which I had felt had prevented me from ascending. Repaying my self imposed debt was the only way that I could cleanse myself, and forgive myself completely.

One other thing which did not cease to amaze me was that I would set out to write one paragraph within my notes, and all of a sudden knowledge and understanding would flow. Several pages later I would realize that I knew and accepted much more than I had consciously recalled.

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I knew that most of what I had written had come from deep within, in addition to when God had spoken directly to me. I had attempted to type my notes directly, but I could not type my notes. I needed to write to allow the knowledge and understanding to flow directly from my soul onto the paper. This knowledge from within would often bypass my mind completely. It is difficult to describe, but my mind would go completely blank, and I would need to read what I was writing as I was writing it, to know what I was writing.

I knew exactly what was happening, and what I was experiencing should not have amazed me, but nevertheless the experience did continue to amaze me.

I reflected on the events of the previous few days. I saw that I now understood the betrayal, and through another person I had been led to understand that I had been forgiven. The timing of these events had been such, that the events had occurred exactly when the events had needed to occur, which was as I was slowly accepting my true identity.

I had been warned, and I was aware of the betrayal in this lifetime and my previous lifetimes for some months. However, it was only now, exactly when I needed to understand the truth of my identity, and what my own betrayal of a friend had done to me, that I could see clearly.

I recalled something which God had said to me months earlier, "You will know what you need to know, when you need to know it." I was understanding these words a little more each day.

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I knew that I was required to have the knowledge of my true identity and more before things 'came together', but I did not know why, nor did I know exactly what 'more' meant. I had known twenty four hours earlier that the previous twenty four hours would be significant in my acceptance, of my true identity, but as usual what had occurred, had not occurred anything like the way in which I had imagined that the events would occur.

I believed that I knew exactly when my destiny had been written. I believed that I knew when my journey had really started, and I believed that I was finally released from the guilt which I had carried for nearly two thousand years. I had been the one known as Judas Iscariot.

God said, "I forgave you even as you committed the betrayal. It was you who punished yourself. I could not release you from your punishment, but I did create the opportunity for you to release yourself.

"Your feeling of unworthiness lifetime after lifetime, your tendency to suicide, started from the moment of your betrayal of Jesus. Your suicide was not always by your own hand. Did you really think that the enemy soldier knew that you still lived by accident? You have created an environment of suffering lifetime after lifetime so that you would punish yourself. You punished yourself for so long that I gave you enlightenment, and still you would not forgive yourself. So you repeated the pattern of so many lifetimes before, until you were ready to forgive yourself, as I forgave you.

"All of your suffering, all of your pain and all of your difficulties have been self imposed. You have discontinued your own life many times because you could not accept that you deserved to live. All deserve to live, and all will live forever within me, when they find me and understand The Truth Of Reality."

I attended to my business that day, and I was at peace.

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Later God said, "What you will achieve after this lifetime, will be far greater than what you achieve during this lifetime. Much will be the work of the one who follows you."

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