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Searching for My Soul
Book Two Seeking the Knowledge Within

Step By Step.

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God said, "You will never let go of that which you hang onto until you, yourself, release it from your grasp.

"Still you worry instead of do. Have you not learned to allow what is to be, and not to worry about what is not? Still you cling to your imagination. Have you not learned that imagination is only a tool of the artificial world? A tool to allow you to move from illusion to grander illusion, but still nothing more than illusion. You have learned that reality cannot be imagined, so of what use is your imagination? When you are travelling in your imagination, you cannot travel in reality, and you have learned that reality is more beautiful and more satisfying than anything that can be imagined. Tell me, if you can, of what use is imagination? Imagination takes you away from one illusion to another illusion, but imagination also takes you away from reality. If you are not satisfied with the illusion you have created as your physical life, you will not be satisfied with another illusion. Use your time to find reality. Do not hide from reality in one illusion or another.

"When you are restless, when you know not what you want to do, it is because you have too many things to choose from and cannot decide. Do what you are doing, do what you feel. There is a reason for doing all things and anything. Sometimes to learn, sometimes to enjoy, sometimes to serve others but always to experience. Without experience, there can be no learning, so all things are to learn. Of what importance is it if something is learned now and something else is learned tomorrow? All must be learned if the circle is to become complete. Have you not learned that all knowledge is within, and within is where all knowledge will be found? Have you not learned, that imagination allows you to travel outside, and you cannot learn from outside?

"How can you live life when there is no death? Living life is not enough, you have to feel life, good or bad by your terms does not matter. Feel life, feel love. Unless one chooses to feel life, they cannot truly feel love, and love must be felt to be experienced. Know love, know what love truly is, not the negative love created by insecurities, which is not love at all, but positive love. The fulfilment of pure love. Any who have experienced pure love, any who have felt pure love for but a fleeting moment, know that there is nothing greater than pure love.

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"You continue to give yourself physical ailments knowing that your physical ailments are only created so that you will learn, and knowing that you can only remove your physical ailments if you learn. If you do not want your physical ailments, learn. You continue to confuse yourself by forgetting what you have learned. If you look within, you can see why every ache and every pain within you has been created and by learning why every ache and every pain within you has been created, you will no longer need such ailments to teach you. You know why every ache and every pain within you has been created, even if you choose to deny yourself this knowledge. Do not deny knowledge, accept knowledge and seek knowledge. Learn of things which you do not understand, learning all is the only way that the circle can become complete."

Memories of my lifetimes prior to when I was the Native American boy were starting to surface. I could remember lifetimes, and there were more than one, when I had been with other teachers and I had learned much, but I had understood little.

It is many centuries ago, I have a knife in my hand. I slit the throat of my enemies. I could feel the slice of their throats as the tightness of their skin was released and I could feel the warmth of their blood on my hand. I could see the shocked realization on the faces of those I killed as they understood that they had just died.

I could also feel the love and understanding radiating from a teacher I had been with. I knew that the power which I had felt at slaying was nothing in comparison to the love and understanding that had radiated from the teacher. The experience had turned me, and that was when I had first sought but not obtained enlightenment, because I had not understood.

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"You have failed to learn much, but this failure is only because you have limited your own ability to learn. Remove the limits which you have imposed upon yourself. Open yourself to the knowledge that you have blocked. Open yourself to the knowledge that I am now leading you to rediscover. Be open to all knowledge and you will find all knowledge. Learn to relax, really relax. You cannot relax whilst you are focused upon your self-imposed limitations. It is your self-imposed limitations which are causing your conflict. Your limitations say 'how can this be?' when you know that it is so. Release yourself from all self-imposed limitations.

"How can you feel, how can you really experience a thing, when you are ever concerned about whether you should do that thing or not do that thing? Release the importance which you place on the thing, anything that you do, and feel whatever you do. Do not block your feelings by worrying whether you should do something, this is unimportant.

"You still do not understand that you have created the illusion of the opinion of the few, and the one, so that you will learn that the opinion of none is important. You must learn that the only importance is the truth, and by knowing that the only importance is the truth, you will discover the truth.

"I speak to you now, because you are now experiencing these things. It is what you need to know. When others discover me within themselves I will speak to them, and tell them what they seek. As I talk to you, I talk to others, for you are no different, I am within all.

"You see also that you no longer need to put even mental voice to your concerns. As you have become closer to knowing the truth, so it becomes easier to communicate with the truth.

"All steps are steps. All is so, when you choose to see. You now see that seeing alone is not enough, you must also feel. You will learn to feel as you have learned to see. All knowledge leads to knowledge. I am pure love. I cannot be seen. I must be felt.

"It has been continually demonstrated to you that you create your own learning environment, and even as I tell you that you create your own learning environment, you see that you do create your own learning environment. Use your learning environment to learn, or you will continue to create and maintain the same learning environment. You can see that the maintenance of the learning environment is your choice, make the choice now or continue to learn."

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Each day I saw a little clearer that we, ourselves created our own environment so that we could learn. It seemed to me that the more I saw, the more I could see. I was starting to see whatever was occurring, not in hindsight, but as it happened.

God said, "You are beginning to understand."

I may have been beginning to understand, but I continued to perpetuate my mistake. I believed that I had achieved so much in learning to understand about the environments that I created, and why I created them. However, all I had achieved was to take the next step. What I did still mattered to me, even though I knew that it did not matter what I did.

Everything that we do is for a reason, but what we do is unimportant. I was struggling to fully understand and to fully accept my own knowledge. I continued to wonder whether I was supposed to do something, or not do something, even though I knew there was no right answer and no wrong answer. It is not what we do that is important, all that is important is that we feel the experience and learn from the experience. If we did not need to learn from the experience, the situation would not exist. For me, at that time, many situations only existed so that I would learn that the situation did not matter.

Even though what we do is not important, we can never lose sight of the fact that if the lesson is not learned, it is repeated in one form or another, lifetime after lifetime until it is learned.

It proved to be an interesting day in many respects. As usual, I was expecting far too much from myself and I was certainly trying too hard. I knew what the next step was, and I knew what I needed to achieve before I was able to make further progress, in what had become a quest for the truth within.

I knew that I had to stop trying to force completion of this step. I could only be aware, relax and allow myself to take the step naturally as I knew that I would, if only I remained patient.

I knew that awareness was the key. I knew that awareness along with patience and acceptance would make my road easier to travel. Despite the fact that I had been searching for some magical solution which would make my road easier overnight, an easier road would not, an easier road could not, be provided except from within myself.

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That evening, I again became restless. I wanted to understand how I could make my inner peace, which I had found so often, last. The times when I was at peace were increasing, but I wanted my inner peace permanently. I cannot say if there was a reason why I was restless that night, and if there was a reason why I was restless, I did not know what that reason was.

I was relaxed, I was comfortable and I was confident, but I was restless. Perhaps there was something more that I needed to learn.

I meditated for some time and I reviewed my notes. I understood that I had once again begun trying to do something that I had been warned against doing. I was attempting to block my own knowledge. God had warned me that I could not block my own knowledge. I had been warned that by trying to block my own knowledge I would make my journey more difficult for myself, but I had chosen not to listen. This was not necessarily negative, in that my attempt to block my own knowledge did create an environment in which I could learn.

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God spoke to me, effectively giving me a pep talk, "You are too hard on yourself. You expect to become the higher plane but you have not yet learned what is needed. You must continue to learn, you must continue to take one step at a time, you must continue to stumble on difficult steps. How can you share what you experience with others if you do not experience?

"If all of your knowledge was released you could tell others, but who would understand? I have told you many things that you have not understood, until you have experienced for yourself.

"How can you show others the path unless you experience the path yourself? You could tell them that the path is there, as I have told you, but you cannot guide any without first walking the path yourself.

"If you stood in front of a crowd at the foot of a steep mountain and you pointed to that mountain and you said, 'I know that it cannot be seen, but there is a path up that mountain and God told me that if the path is followed, the summit will be reached.' Who would believe that the path was there? Who would attempt to travel that path if you then ascended to the summit without travelling the path? None would believe. They would believe that you were different because you reached the summit without taking the path.

"You must walk that path my son. You must step each step and you must reach the summit from the ground. This is how you will guide those who wish to climb the mountain. Those who wish to climb the mountain will follow your path and the trail that you leave so that all who choose may follow.

"You know that you can ascend, just as you know you can do many things, but you do not remember how. This knowledge I have hidden from you, and only by rediscovering the knowledge yourself will you remember.

"You know that you can ascend to the higher plane and you know that you will ascend to the higher plane, but you must also follow the path from the earth plane. You know that following the path from the earth plane is not necessary, but the path from the earth plane will be the path chosen by most, and they must be shown the way.

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"There are many dead ends and false leads on the path, as you have discovered many times. You must continue to discover the dead ends and false leads, and you must guide those following the path through the dead ends and false leads, if others are not to become lost.

"Any can ascend to the higher plane at any point upon rediscovery of the truth of existence, and many will ascend to the higher plane, but most will not ascend to the higher plane. Therefore you will not ascend to the higher plane. Do not search for the moment when all will be revealed and all will be understood, because this moment will not occur.

"Yours is the hard road from beginning, when you descended from the mountain, to end. I did not tell you the road will become easier. I told you that your circumstances will become easier. I told you that the end of your journey would not be reached until your destiny was completed, but you did not understand."

When I reached the end of my journey, I did understand the truth of our existence. However, this was to be exactly as God had told me that it would be, after I had fulfilled my destiny, after I had completed my task and after I had put the picture of the truth back together.

"Understand now my son, because it is through understanding that your circumstances will become easier. Take each step as each step presents itself to you, follow your path to the dead ends and learn of the existence of the dead ends. Following your path and allowing what will happen to happen, is the only way that your peace will be found.

"For so long you agonized over 'why you'. Even as I released knowledge to you, you still sought more information because you knew, and you know, that there is a reason 'why you'. I then allowed you to see 'when' you, which you chose to believe was 'why' you. What you know is correct. There is a reason 'why you', but the reason 'why you' will not be revealed to you for sometime. Accept this, because you know and you have learned that you will not rediscover what I conceal from you.

"You have been told that if too much is revealed to you before you are ready it will affect your judgement. You have believed that you know what is meant by this statement, but you do not. If all was revealed to you before you were ready, you would not ascend to the higher plane. If too much was revealed before you were ready, you would miss steps which you must walk.

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"Accept what has been revealed and accept that more will be revealed with each step, and only by taking your final step will you see all. Accept this, accept your destiny, for it is so.

"Do not despair when you forget what you have learned because you will relearn what you have forgotten, and you will then guide others that they will remember. Whenever you despair, whenever you do not know which way to turn, remember what I have I said to you this day."

That night and the following morning, I contemplated all that God had said to me, and I contemplated much that I had not previously considered.

I understood that belief is a start, but belief in itself is artificial. I understood the vast difference which I had experienced between believing in God's existence, and knowing God's existence. Belief is a start, not an end. Belief is not enough, we must see through our belief, and we must allow the truth to become knowledge.

I spoke with Rose that night. I was given a message from one of Rose's spirit guides to deliver, which I did.

I wondered if the 'imaginary friends' that some children saw were in fact spirit guides. I suspected that the truth of imaginary friends was not that simple, but I also knew I was heading in the right direction to understand the true nature of imaginary friends.

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There were so many times when I knew that I was close to an answer, or I knew that I knew something without knowing exactly what it was that I knew. I had learned that having asked the question all I could do was relax, and allow the answer to surface. If I went looking for an answer, I seldom found what I was looking for because I did not know where to look.

Of course I did really know that the only place to look for answers was within, but I had temporarily lost sight of this knowledge. I would continue to lose sight of this knowledge whenever I reached a dead end.

I had much to overcome, and I had much to learn. If I was fair to myself, I knew that I handled whatever I experienced a little better each day, as my awareness was applied to my knowledge. Each day I took a step, although I was seldom satisfied with my progress. There was nothing that I could do, other than take each step and to understand the knowledge which I became aware of each day.

Step by step, day by day, I understood the need to take one step at a time and I accepted the need to take one step at a time, but I certainly would have preferred to ascend. I would have preferred to be released from the earth plane. I was not to be released from the earth plane for some time, because I could not be released from the earth plane until my journey was ended. I needed to learn to accept that I could not be released from the earth plane until my journey was ended. I needed to learn to rejoice with each step. I needed to learn to celebrate how far I had come, and I needed to learn not to despair about how far I needed to travel to reach my Journey's End.

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Much of what was surrounding me at that time was created to remind me of how far I had travelled, and how far I still had to travel, often simultaneously.

I understood that I knew much and I understood that I knew little, simultaneously. In many ways I wanted my journey to be over so that I would prove that all that I had learned was true, but I did not quite understand who I wanted to prove that all that I had learned was true, to. Despite the occasional doubts that still existed within me, I knew that everything that I had experienced had happened. So I knew that all that I had learned had to be true. I did not need to prove anything to myself, and I knew that I could not prove anything to others because each must find their own truth within themselves.

So I had to ask myself, 'What was I trying to prove and to whom?' It was a question that I could not answer. The truth was that I had nothing to prove to anybody, including myself, and I needed to accept that I had nothing to prove. I had created many illusions to teach me the simple truth, that I had nothing to prove and even though I knew that I had nothing to prove, I had not fully learned the simple truth, that I had nothing to prove.

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