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Searching for My Soul
Book One Searching for My Soul
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I am an ordinary man. I have been blessed with the gift of vision, an ability to see not only what is possible, but also how what is possible can be achieved, and the drive to make things happen. However, as soon as I achieved my goals, everything took a turn for the worse and I never quite got to enjoy the fruits of my labour. I seemed to be always sowing, and never reaping. As I review this record of my journey, I understand that the reason why real success had alluded me, and had been always within my grasp, but not quite within my reach, was because I felt unworthy of success.

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I was born near Oxford, England of part Gypsy descent, and immigrated to Australia with my family when I was three. I married young but always seemed older than my years. My mother has often said that I was born old. I was, I am an old soul.

I had no idea what I wanted to do as a career, and I eventually drifted into insurance. I started to excel within my chosen career, although I certainly did not succeed at life in general. I had very little self-confidence. There were some happy times in my marriage, but the first attempt could best be described as apathetic.

Overall my life seemed pretty pathetic, and for a long time I simply accepted my life. It seemed that every time I became close to someone I got hurt, so I stopped allowing myself to become close to anyone. I began putting up a wall of self protection, which was to become nearly impenetrable. For many years I was little more than an empty shell, going through the motions of life, and too apathetic to do anything about it.

In hindsight, I always knew that there was a destiny which I would fulfil, but I had no idea what my destiny was, or what I would have to do to fulfil my destiny. I buried my knowledge along with the rest of me, beneath my walls. I was surprised that I had once mentioned my unknown destiny to my first wife Rose, which I had forgotten until I finally discussed what I was experiencing with Rose, several months after my journey commended.

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My life drifted until Rose became pregnant with our daughter Amanda. Both of us knew Amanda was not meant to be, although neither of us admitted this to each other at the time. Amanda died. I thought; ‘what else would I expect?’.

I strengthened my walls. I was burying myself deeper and deeper all of the time. My son Craig was born and we developed a bond, but for the most part, my walls and my apathy remained. Between the birth of Craig, and my other son James, my father died, and again I used the hurt as material for my walls.

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When James was born, he was very sick and nearly died. I did what was required of me, but I pretended that James’ problems were not happening. My walls had become impenetrable.

Neither Rose nor I could see the point in continuing our marriage, so I left. I now realise that this was when my journey really started, but at the time all I achieved was confusion.

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I met an older woman, Claire who helped me to tear down my walls, and showed me what a joy life could be. Our relationship did not last long, around twelve months, but I now know that Claire had been sent to awaken my soul from its hibernation, which should have been a joyous time for me, and in many ways it was, but when my soul was awoken, I needed to face all of the hurt that I had been burying for many years.

I had believed that I had dealt with my pain, but all that I had done was place myself in a position of having to deal with all of my pain, at once.

I was surprised that my feelings for Rose had also been buried. When my feelings for Rose became apparent, I needed to deal with the confusion of my feelings for both Claire and Rose.

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Rose and I eventually decided to try again, but we had drifted too far apart to have any real hope of success. We did have six very happy months together, but our paths were too different, and we endured another two very unhappy years, before fate stepped in and forced the break. By this time I had built a reputation in the insurance industry, and I should have been cruising with my success, but I was not. I was extremely unhappy with my employment.

Six months before my first marriage finally ended and I changed my employment, I sought my first Tarot reading. A friend, Jane, accompanied me. Later, I was glad that I had a witness. I was sceptical, but I was speechless when my past and present circumstances were relayed to me with 100% accuracy. For the future, I was told that my career would continue to prosper, that I would have a change in my personal circumstances, and I would find peace.

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Nothing happened for six months, and then everything fell into place, exactly as it had been read in the Tarot, and all within a two-week period. I began to understand that there are forces at work, guiding and directing our lives. I now understand exactly what happened, but at the time I was mystified.

I now understand that I was being pushed along a certain path. I was being placed in an environment where I would draw people into my life who would be necessary for me to complete my journey. However, I was ignoring the signs pointing to my correct path, and fate continually stepped in to force me to take the path that I was destined to take.

It was not that I had not learned anything, I had. I was slowly learning that I should trust my instinct, but I was not very good at trusting my instinct.

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Nancy entered my life, and we spent a happy and content two years together. I now understand that I needed to recharge my batteries and recover before moving on. I thought; ‘I could live this contented, and easy existence for the rest of my life’, but I could not. When whatever forces guiding my path had determined that it was time to move on, I was driven to move on.


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I met two people who were to play important but different roles in changing the direction of my life. Sally was to become a sister to me, and Marie was to firstly inspire me, and then be the catalyst for me to change the direction of my life.

I developed very close friendships with Sally and Marie, both of whom were going through difficult periods in their lives. Marie was going through a particularly rough time. Marie’s world was falling apart, and I was doing whatever I could to give Marie moral support.

If I had been able to see the signs directing me to my correct path, my journey would have been easier and undertaken over three decades. However, I could not see past my petty problems, most of which were self inflicted. When the time was drawing near for me to begin to fulfil my destiny, I was forced into a very abrupt change of direction, and a very intense period of learning. My journey would have been a far easier, if I had been in touch with my own soul.

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I left Nancy, and I spent two months mostly by myself, getting to know who I was. I was lonely during this time, and I was not sure where I was heading or why. There have been times when I have thought that fate has been extraordinarily cruel to me, and there have been times when I have felt that fate has been extraordinarily kind to me. In reality, I have had an ordinary life, and for the most part I really did not handle my life very well.

I did not know that Nancy would re-enter my life, and remain as travelling companion for much of the journey that I was about to undertake.

My father’s spirit had manipulated events to help me on more than one occasion since he had entered the spirit plane, and I had felt his presence often, but my father’s spirit had never communicated directly with me. My father’s spirit had communicated, on my behalf with Nancy, and my Aunt Val in the past, but he had never given me a direct message.

One day when I was at my home in the mountains, my father’s spirit explained “You have to believe that your life will be fulfilled, and work towards your life being fulfilled, and your life will be fulfilled.”

I started to see how much emotional baggage and guilt I was carrying around. As I dealt with my emotional baggage and guilt, and stopped blaming myself for my past difficulties, I began to like myself for the first time in my life. I was several stone overweight, and as I started to like myself I found it easy to take the weight off. My appearance had been a reflection of my self-image.

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Through Nancy I met Graeme, a professional councillor and ordained minister of religion. Graeme’s acceptance of what I was to experience at a time when I was having difficulty believing what I was experiencing myself, would give me the courage to continue.

I had my Tarot read again. ‘My life was turning around, my cycle was changing, and after some initial difficulties, I would have a lot of success and financial rewards.’ It was a remarkable and extremely positive reading, except for the romantic side of my life. ‘I would be happy and content, but my personal happiness was for the future.’

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I did not understand exactly how Tarot readings worked. However, I had some faith in Tarot readings based on my previous reading. Nevertheless, I chose to believe that the Tarot reader’s interpretation was wrong, and I would find personal happiness in the short term. In so doing, I began an error of judgement, which I was to repeat time and time again; manipulating information I had been given to suit what I wanted.

I was now a partner in my own insurance agency and my business was going well, I liked myself and I was developing self-confidence.

I realised that I had fallen in love with Marie, and when she agreed to give a relationship a try, it seemed as if my life was really coming together. During the next two months our relationship progressed, and it seemed we were heading towards marriage and a lifetime together. I was very much in love.

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I had everything that I had ever wanted from life, within my grasp. I did not see how life could get any better, I was on top of the world, and I did not believe anything or anyone could take what I had found, what I earned, away from me. I believed that it was my turn to be happy.

Something was happening to me, other than Marie, or my business. My life was getting better each day, and something big was about to happen in my life. I felt as if I was awakening.

I had reached the pinnacle, based on my values at the time. I was happier than I thought possible. I had everything I had ever wanted from life in my mid-30s, and the pain that I had experienced in my life was suddenly worthwhile. I could see my path clearly. I was going to build my business into something very special, and I was going to build my business with Marie by my side.

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Fate had other ideas, and without warning pulled my world out from under my feet. I found myself like a startled rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck, and not knowing which way to run.

Overnight, I had gone from being a person who made things happen to a person, looking around himself and asking; ‘What happened?’

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Changing Direction

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