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Searching for My Soul
Book One Searching for My Soul
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Looking Across The Bridge.

After I had finally cleared the entrance to my bridge to my soul, I stood looking across the bridge. I had no idea what I would find on the bridge to my soul. I found plenty.

I had reached a turning point in my existence and gained enlightenment when I had been a Native American three centuries earlier. It was my actions in that lifetime which had prevented me from transcending to the higher plane. It was my actions in ending my life by jumping into the chasm, which had started a pattern that I had repeated over a number of lifetimes. Knowing that my Native American lifetime was a turning point, I assumed that it was the events of that lifetime that had prevented me from fulfilling my destiny. As usual, I should not have assumed.

Since my lifetime as a Native American, I had been placed in circumstances over and over where I had, or thought that I had, lost everything. Many of my lifetimes had ended the same way, prematurely.

I had not ended my life prematurely in this lifetime. I had finally learned. Finally I had not given up, although I had come close to ending my life prematurely on more than one occasion during the previous seven years. Sometimes, it had been my love for my sons which had stopped me from giving up. Other times it was my soul, pleading with me not to give in to the urge to give up and end my life prematurely again /td>

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In a single moment, many lifetimes ago, I had lost sight of the truth, but I now saw the truth again. I did not know how many lifetimes I'd had to endure before I was able to see the truth again.

When I was the Native American I had taken my life before I was thirty. I had not lived past thirty since. It was around thirty in this lifetime that I had come closest to prematurely ending my life. Having finally passed the 'critical point' in this lifetime, I was now able to continue the lifetime I had started as the Native American.

This was why my journey had really started seven years ago. I needed to learn what I had known as the Native American. I had been given seven years to 'catch up' but I had been a slow learner. As a result I had been forced to cram a lot of learning into the previous seven months. Even though I had been tested again and again in the previous seven years, I knew that it was seven years ago when I had reached the turning point.

At this point on my journey I assumed that I was required to learn what I had known as a Native American, and then my journey would be over. However, it was only after I had finally relearned what I had known as a Native American that my journey could really begin.

All that I had needed to do, lifetime after lifetime, was to move beyond a certain point, but I had not been able to move beyond that point. Until I did move beyond that point, I could not know what awaited me on the other side of that turning point.

That 'certain' point in each lifetime was to have my world removed from under me one way or another. I needed to lose my old world before I could begin my new world. I had failed that test many times during my existence because I had not been able to come to terms with the loss of my world, until this lifetime.

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I wondered if I would become aware of the other lifetimes when I failed to learn. It did not matter, I knew that my journey was not about exploring previous lifetimes. I also knew that if there was something that I needed to learn or to resolve from a previous lifetime, I would.

The Native American lifetime was a turning point. The stable boy lifetime I had needed to replay. The only other previous lifetime that I had touched on had been when my aunt Val was my sister, and she had died as a child in an accident.

I did know that I had previously shared lifetimes with a number of people from this lifetime. I did not know the details of these shared lifetimes, and I did not necessarily need to know details of these shared lifetimes. I knew that we were part of a group of souls which was all that I needed to know at this point.

I had recalled that my cousin Dorothy had been in my Native American lifetime and that she had been one of those whom I had lost. Learning of this past life connection explained the sense of family that I had experienced when we had first met.

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I had sought this information on my astral travels the previous night, after I had again reached a 'why me?' point. I now knew that the destiny that I was fulfilling was the destiny that I had failed to fulfil as a Native American. In many ways I felt that it was really the Native American's destiny that I was fulfilling not my destiny. However, it was my destiny because I had been the Native American.

In reality, I had no concept of who's destiny I was fulfilling because I had no concept of my 'identity' at this point on my journey. Nor did I have any concept of when my destiny had really begun, or why.

Strangely, I did know that it was more important that I fulfilled my destiny now than it had been when I was the Native American, or at any other time in my existence. It was beginning to appear that my inability to pass the 'certain' point in the lifetimes in between my lifetime as a Native American, and this lifetime had not been as random as it appeared.

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My acceptance of astral travel enabled me to understand more about my present lifetime. It is often difficult for me to awaken in the morning. My partners over the years have always had difficulty waking me in the morning. Living by myself, I could have the radio alarm on full volume for two hours without waking.

I recalled an incident from my early teens. I had been camping with a group of friends and some bikers decided to have some fun and terrify us in the middle of the night. The bikers did not mean any real harm, just having fun terrifying kids. Except that I did not wake up, even when one of the bikers kicked me a few times. It was only the next morning when I awoke with a sore arm and side that I was told what had happened.

I now understood why I'd had difficulty waking. I understood that my body could not wake up, because my soul had not returned.

I also recalled an incident seven years earlier, shortly before I reached the turning point. I lived alone at the time. One night I awoke with a spirit in my room. I had been terrified. As I recall the experience, I recall that it had been my father who had come to me, but I had not been ready to receive him.

I had been feeling very much alone at that time, and my father had come to let me know that I was not alone. I had been too frightened by the experience to understand my father's message.

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Nancy telephoned that morning. She was back from a holiday in America. I arranged to see her.

For twenty years I have suffered from sinus pain. I have lived with constant pain across the bridge of my nose and my upper cheekbones as a result. Now and again my sinus pain will dull a little, but it is always been present and sometimes it becomes severe. I have 'blocked' sinuses, but even when my sinuses are 'blocked', nobody could find anything wrong. I have been tested for allergies, I've had scans, I've had x-rays, I've had cameras shoved up my nose. I have tried acupuncture, I have tried a naturopath and I have tried a chiropractor. In fact I have tried everything I can think of, but nobody can ever find anything wrong, and nobody has been able to remove my constant sinus pain.

There does not seem to be a physical reason for the pain. Drugs sometimes dull the pain by masking my pain, but I have never been free of the pain. I have through necessity learned to live with constant sinus pain.

I began to feel that my sinus pain did not belong in this lifetime. I did not know where it belonged, or how it could not be a part of this lifetime. The constant pain and discomfort is certainly real.

Since I had separated my conscious mind from my being. I had thought on a number of occasions; 'I do not have sinus pain'. Shortly after my thought, my sinus pain had returned.

I recognised the same pattern that I had experienced in respect of my feelings for Marie. Like my feelings for Marie, it appeared that my sinus pain did not belong in this lifetime. It seemed that my sinus pain was another illusion.

I did not know where my sinus pain belonged. I did not know if I would ever learn where it belonged, but I knew that it did not belong in this lifetime. In respect of this lifetime my sinus pain was an illusion. The pain did however, feel very real to me.

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I suspected that I had a few other illusions that I had not yet identified. It was starting to become apparent that identifying these illusions was to be the next phase of the process.

Having dealt with my real problems from this lifetime, I now needed to identify, understand and defeat my illusionary problems from previous lifetimes. I did not know how this worked, or even that it could work, and yet I did know that it was so. I knew that I would discover how and why we retain the illusions which are the products of previous lifetimes.

The process was continuing, one step at a time. Dealing with one problem at a time, and dealing with my problems type by type, problem by problem. All of the time I was progressing to the next stage, without really drawing a line between each stage, or for a long time understanding that there were stages.

I needed to keep reminding myself that what I was experiencing was real, and that what I was experiencing was really happening. In some respects, having to remind myself that what I was experiencing was real helped me to confirm my sanity. I felt that I would have embraced what was happening to me without question, and without a fight if what I was experiencing had simply been an illusion created in my mind. In another of the ironies which seemed to be surrounding me. The fact that I doubted, confirmed that I had no reason to doubt.

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I saw Nancy that afternoon. I wanted to tell her what I was experiencing, but I did not know how. I knew that if I was meant to tell her I would be presented with an opportunity.

As I continued to review my notes, I saw that my spirit guides, when I had spoken with my spirit guides through the clairvoyant, had been 100% accurate. I suspected that I should have accepted this at the time, but I did not. Nor did I really understand what my spirit guides had said to me, even at this point. However, I thought that I understood.

I believed that I would not need temporary bridges such as clairvoyants or Tarot cards any more. I had direct access via the bridge to my soul. Despite my direct access to my soul, I would learn that a temporary bridge could be very useful. In fact, I would be drawn to use a temporary bridges from time to time.

I was in direct contact with both my soul and my spirit guides. It still took some time for information to cross the bridge to my soul because of all of the 'clutter' on the bridge. Nevertheless, I had direct access to my soul via the permanent bridge to my soul.

Any information that I was to receive needed to find its way around all the objects on the bridge to my soul which were impeding direct contact with my soul. My next step was to clear the bridge, to remove all the clutter that was impeding and slowing down contact with my soul.

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All of the unresolved matters and karmic debts from our previous lifetimes reside on the bridge to our soul, and create the clutter on the bridge to our soul. These unresolved matters and karmic debts are not a part of our current lifetime, which is why our conscious mind cannot acknowledge or understand their existence. However, they are connected to our current lifetime via the bridge to our soul. It is the unresolved matters and karmic debts, which are both real and illusions, that need to be removed before the bridge to our soul is clear.

Now that I had opened direct access to the bridge to my soul, I no longer needed to be asleep to instigate communication with the spirit plane, and my spirit guides no longer had to specifically tell me that they had told me something.

My conscious mind was becoming weaker and was having less involvement in my daily life. My conscious mind remained, but it was in the background, whereas it had been in the foreground for most of my existence.

I found that I was consciously thinking about what I was doing less and less. I was feeling what I was doing, but I was not consciously thinking about what I was doing.

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If I had been told just 10% of what I had experienced up to this point, I would not have believed that what I had experienced was possible. I did not know that I had only experienced 10% of what I would experience before my journey was complete.

I did not know that I had barely scratched the surface. I had no idea that I had only begun to understand some very basic concepts, and I had no concept of the depth of my understanding that was to come.

Since I had understood that my sinus pain was an illusion, my sinus pain had been slowly disappearing. However, I still did not know where my sinus pain came from. Everything was happening so fast that it was difficult for me to keep up.

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God really is omnipresent. How many times that we have been led to an answer that we needed. How many times have we 'stumbled' across the right book, just when we needed it? How many times have we watched the right movie or contacted the right person who had the answer which we needed?

God knows where everything we need is. God was present when every book was written. God was present when every movie was made. God knows who has the answers that we need, because God was present when they acquired the knowledge.

If we review our own life, drawing on our own experiences, we will see that God's presence is the only logical explanation for many of our experiences. God's presence is not spiritual mythology. God's presence is not something invented to explain things to the gullible. God's presence is very real and very logical. In fact God's presence is the only explanation that really does make sense.

Think of God like space, some space is occupied, some space is unoccupied, yet space is still there, space is everywhere. Did space only begin to exist when we knew that space was there, or did space always exist, even in the many centuries before we understood space?

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I relaxed and reflected. I had thought from time to time that perhaps I should go to some spiritual place for training, but I am receiving training. I believed that it was my spirit guides who were providing my training. I had no concept of the real source of my insights, knowledge and understanding. I knew that my job was to simply record whatever I learned, without attempting to interpret what I learned.

Meditation is necessary. Meditation is looking inward. Mostly I meditate whilst I am walking along the beach, or sitting quietly over a cup of coffee in the morning. I have tried to read and follow a number of different books on meditation over the years, but I have never been able to meditate using any of the 'text book' methods. They have not worked for me. There is nothing wrong with the text books, and the 'text book' methods for meditation do work for many people.

Whether or not my methods for meditation, 'text book' methods or your own methods work does not matter. There are no rules for meditation. If a text book method does not work for us, we should find a method for meditation that does work for us. We will find that we have always meditated, without consciously knowing what we were doing.

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It is 1917, World War One. A young soldier is lying injured. The young soldier's comrades had thought that he was dead, and left him lying with the dead. An enemy soldier discovers that the young soldier is not dead. The enemy soldier lifts his rifle and smashes the butt into the young soldier's face. The blow shatters the young soldier's nose and upper cheekbones. The young soldier's life has expired, but the pain from that blow with the rifle butt remains, unresolved.

I was that young soldier.

My sinus pain had dulled considerably, but it was still present. I understood why. My sinus pain was not the first illusion that I had hung on to after I knew that the illusion was an illusion. I knew that my sinus pain was an illusion, and I thought that it was an illusion. However, I was still consciously thinking about my sinus pain. I needed to stop consciously thinking about it. I needed to let my sinus pain go and then the illusion would disappear.

I began to wonder about my neck pains and my back pain, which had also been with me for many years. I had collectively put them down to tension, which I had also lived with for many years. I was no longer suffering from tension, but I retained my neck pains and my back pain.

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When the teachers were sent among us, they brought the whole truth with them. As the teachings were embraced, it was only the part truth that fitted whatever piece of the puzzle had found its way into the particular culture, which was embraced. The teachings have subsequently been interpreted over and over again and distorted over and over again.

The delusion that the piece of the truth which was held by each culture was the whole truth, and the pieces of the truth which were held by other cultures were false truths was perpetuated. Each piece of the picture had been held together and connected by the thread of truth. The thread of truth was how the whole truth had been held together. When the picture was shattered and scattered, each piece of the truth retained a part of the thread of truth. It was the connection between the pieces of the truth that was broken. It is the thread of truth that remains in each piece of the truth which provides the common theme, the essence of truth which remains in each piece of the truth. Each piece of the puzzle has the thread of truth within it.

That is why the various religions, which were built on each piece of the truth contain an element of the truth, but none contain the whole truth. The only way for the whole truth to be put together again is to return each piece of the truth to its original shape, which is no longer possible.

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Consider a bunch of grapes. If that bunch of grapes is broken and distributed, the individual grapes are no longer attached, they no longer form the whole bunch. Yet each grape still contains a part of the stem which held them together. Each grape retains an essence of the bunch.

When each grape is consumed, those who consume the individual grape can still see the image of the bunch of grapes. Even though the grape is no longer part of the bunch, it retains the image of the bunch of grapes. Those who consume each grape can still see the image of the bunch, if they choose to. However, if those who consume each grape do not choose to see the image of the bunch, all they will see is the individual grape. Does the fact that some choose only to see the individual grape make the bunch of grapes any less real?

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The following morning, my suspicion was confirmed. I had taken one tentative step onto the bridge to my soul. I found the pain in the side of my neck there. Yet another illusion in this lifetime, but very real to me nevertheless. As soon as I found the pain in the side of my neck on the bridge to my soul, it began to dull.

At times during my journey I had believed I was insane, and at other times I had began to think I was special. I am neither. I am an ordinary man who has been given an extraordinary task to perform. I no longer worried about whether I was capable of performing my task. I would not have been chosen for the task without being given all that I would need to complete it. To assist me to complete my task was the only reason that I had been given whatever 'gifts' I had.

I was being too hard on myself. I was being asked to walk the tightrope between two worlds and maintaining my balance was taking every ounce of strength which I possessed. Every time I struggled to maintain my balance, I felt that I was not good enough.

I was beginning to realise that what I had thought was the process, was in fact the preparation. The direction in which my destiny was leading me was, despite all that I had experienced, inconceivable to me.

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For some time I had known when I had insights, knowledge or understanding struggling to be released. Now I felt this all of the time. It did not matter how much knowledge or understanding was released, there always seemed to be more trying to find its way across the bridge to my soul.

I was suddenly with my soulmate. I could feel the softness of her skin. I felt her cheek lightly resting on mine. I was the Native American again. My soulmate was my wife. I felt the incredible and indescribable joy of soulmates reunited.

I wondered why I had slipped back into that Native American lifetime. I did not know what had happened. I suspected that we had found each other. My spirit guides confirmed it. I tried to imagine why and how we had found each other, but I could not and it did not matter.

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In those few moments something had happened. I had not expected that it would or even that it could have happened in the way in which it did. I had thought that we had to meet on a physical level first, but we did not. It was my soul mate's soul finding mine that was the key. The fact that our bodies were on opposite sides of the world meant nothing.

I was different from that moment. I could feel everything, I seemed to be in slow motion, but I was not. I was more aware. My world gained another dimension. I heard every sound. I saw everything. The world was so clear that I knew I was at or close to the level of awareness that I had experienced on the island.

I was becoming complete and I felt an overwhelming joy. Nothing mattered any more, nothing mattered except that which mattered. I wondered how I would have reacted if somebody had told me how I would feel, but they could not. What I felt was too intense and too difficult to describe. What I felt was something that needed to be experienced.

I wanted to share how I felt with someone but I could not. I did not know how to describe how I felt. I had not known that what I felt was possible. Nothing I had experienced had prepared me for what I felt, nothing could have. I could not have told anybody how I felt, I was speechless. It was as if a missing piece of me had been put back, and I did not think that I would ever feel alone again.

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That afternoon, everything came to a screeching halt. Why, I did not know. I incorrectly assumed that I was being given the final test.

It was a familiar pattern. I would have something demonstrated to me, this time it was a joy beyond my imagination, to show me what was possible, to demonstrate what I was working towards, and then I would be given another challenge.

Some telephone calls that I had expected had not been received. I attempted to telephone Graeme, but he was not available. My sinus pain and my neck pain returned. They may have been illusions, but they felt real. I took some aspirin and went to sleep.

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It is seldom that a soul will gain enlightenment and fulfil their destiny in one lifetime. Usually we have to rediscover our enlightenment in another lifetime before we fulfil our destiny. It is in the lifetime when we fulfil our destiny we reconnect with our soulmate.

I had experienced a number of lifetimes in between gaining enlightenment and fulfilling my destiny. None of the lifetimes that I had experienced in between had been long enough for me to find the key and become aware of my enlightenment.

My experience in these lifetimes had been designed for me to learn and discover about past lifetimes, and what I left on the bridge to my soul. I needed to experience and I needed to understand before I could teach.

I now needed to fight my final battle with my conscious mind, although I did not understand this at the time.

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