I collected my boys. We were going to spend a few days together before I returned to my business. I felt depressed and I wondered if what I was experiencing was worthwhile. I gained an insight when I came out of my depression, but I wished that some lessons were not so painful. I was fed up with my mood swings, mostly without apparent reason, except for the gaining of insights.

I was happy deep within my soul, but I was not happy in my mind. I needed to find a way to bring my inner happiness out. Overall, I had a good day with my boys. We were more relaxed than we had been for a long time, and we had fun.

The next day, was another relaxed day with my boys. I seemed to be more at peace, and I still saw the beauty all around me, but I continued to suffer from inexplicable mood swings.

On the third day of our holiday, I remained relaxed, and as a result so were my boys. We were doing a variety of things, and we were having fun. I continued to battle doubt which occasionally became severe, and I missed Marie.

I felt myself drawn to a shop, where I was given the same message from my father’s spirit about working towards what I wanted, and believing in what I was working towards without doubt. It was the third time, my father’s spirit had given me that same message.

A little later, I was again given the snapshot of my marriage. The ‘snapshot’ was exactly as I had been given previously, and I interpreted the ‘snapshot’ in the same way as I had on the island.

On the fourth day of our holiday I kept my promise to Amanda. I took my boys fishing.

I awoke early on the last day of our holiday. I reflected on my life, and the previous few days. I began to understand my life more, and I continued to receive insights.

I had felt Amanda with me throughout the holiday. I was on holiday with my three children.

When I returned home I went to the beach for strength prior to seeing Trish for a Tarot reading. I was beginning to understand how the Tarot worked. It was my soul choosing the cards, all that the Tarot reader did was interpret the cards that my soul had chosen.

I was told that I needed to make a total break from Marie, but I chose to believe that a total break was necessary for us to be together. I still believed that we were meant to be together.

Trish told me that I would be learning. I accepted that it was not yet time to fulfil my destiny, and that I would have to be patient.

I wondered what the return to my world would bring.

I returned to my world the next morning. There was no pressure, and I was very focussed. I powered through the work on my desk, but my soul was not in my work, and I did not feel that I belonged in my own world. I needed people around me, so I began to telephone old friends, in an attempt to make arrangements to meet them. I sought to minimise the solitude I knew would come.

I saw Marie briefly that day. We had previously made arrangements to attend a business dinner the following night, and she wanted to know if I was still going. I thought about the issues, and I decided not to go. We spoke more like acquaintances than friends. My guard was up, but I still felt our heart bond very strongly. I knew I needed to stay away from Marie. I knew I needed to let go of her completely.

I was restless. I felt tied to my business and I did not want to be tied to my business. I wanted freedom, I wanted to be able to learn, and to teach. I believed that learning and teaching was what I should be doing. Nevertheless, I felt an inner calm.

I spent some time with a friend of mine, Anne. By spending time with Anne I would have some company and by being honest with her, I would be safe from involvement while I waited for Marie. Anne would save my life, but I did not know that then.

I reflected on my glimpses of the future, and I knew that all would be well in my life. I asked my spirit guides for guidance.

My second day back in my world, started off okay. I remained at peace, but there were some problems within my business. Problems that I would have normally handled in my stride, I could not handle at all. I needed to get out, and I left.

I was being forced away and I did not understand why. I believed that I should be able to handle anything, and I knew that the problems within my business did not really matter.

I did not know where I was going, I just drove. I drove 500 kilometres that evening before I took a break. On the drive I became depressed, more depressed than I had been in a long time. I did not want the depression, and I certainly did not need the depression, but I had things to learn, and the price of learning was high.

Firstly, I felt that my happiness depended on Marie. I knew I was going to be happy, but I believed I would not be happy until we were together. I knew the bond that we shared was causing me problems. I forced myself to cut the bond.

Secondly, I realised how negative my office was, not just my office but most offices. Offices are often full of negative energy, mainly created by people trying to build themselves up, through bringing others down. I knew I could not survive in a negative environment.

I decided that I did not want to be involved with my business. I believed that my business had major problems, and I did not believe I could live with the negative influences around me. My business partners would not allow me to solve the problems within my business.

I needed to learn how to live with the problems within my business, without trying to solve them. I did not know how to do this, I am a natural problem solver.

I stayed at a roadside motel. When I awoke the following morning, I needed to cut my bond with Marie again. I drifted into the local town for a while, before returning home.

We all have a true destiny. We have a purpose which must be fulfilled before we can transcend to the higher plane of existence. If we follow our instinct, our instinct will guide us along the path to our true destiny. If we do not fulfil our true destiny, we have to try again in the next lifetime. This pattern is repeated as often as it takes for us to fulfil our true destiny.

I battled mood swings, and fought depression. Every time that I won one of these battles, I gained another insight, but I did not like having to endure the battles within myself. Knowing that the battles within myself were necessary, should have made them easier, but it did not.

I continued to review my life, and I continued to find patterns within my life which I knew needed to be broken. I went to my beach to obtain clarity. I was on my correct path. I was following my instinct, but I wanted my life to work out the way that I wanted it to work out, and I wanted my life to work out now.

I was lonely. I did not want my solitude to continue.

The next day, I still believed that all would be well in my life, and I was still trying to force my destiny. It was the day that I was to start being taught about my psychic ability, and how to control my psychic ability, and use psychic ability correctly. I still did not know exactly what my psychic ability was, or why I had psychic ability, and I certainly did not know how psychic ability worked.

I was told that I was soon going to receive bad news, so I sat around, and waited for the news. I was doing things and making plans on the basis that the bad news was close. I was wrong, the basic fact was right, but I had to learn a very hard lesson. I still saw death as death, despite what I now knew. Conditioning of a lifetime does not change overnight. Changing the conditioning of a lifetime, is a long and difficult process, which was the second lesson that was to start in earnest that day.

Overall I had a very bad day. I felt sorry for myself, yet another loss, and if the loss was going to happen, why could the loss not be done with, so that I could attend to my responsibilities, and then grieve. What I did not know at that point, or for nearly two years was that the event had already occurred, and I did not recognise the event.

I went to my beach again. I realised that I was trying to impose my timing on events. I knew this was not how fate worked, but this did not stop me trying to impose my timing upon fate, not just this time, but again and again.

The next day I was to start being taught how to control my psychic ability, and use my psychic ability correctly. I still did not know exactly what my psychic ability was, or why I had psychic ability. I certainly did not know how psychic ability worked.

I knew that I was soon going to receive bad news, so I sat around, and waited for the news. I was making plans on the basis that the bad news was close. I felt sorry for myself, yet another loss. If the loss was going to happen, why could the loss not be done with, so that I could attend to my responsibilities, and grieve.

I was wrong, the basic facts were right, but I needed to learn a very hard lesson. I still saw death as death, despite what I now knew. What I did not know then, or for nearly two years was that the event had already occurred, and I did not recognise the event.

Conditioning of a lifetime does not change overnight. Changing the conditioning of a lifetime, is a long and difficult process, which was the second lesson that was to start in earnest that day.

I returned to my beach. I was attempting to impose my timing on events, which I knew was not how fate worked.

The following day, I could not settle, I was still expecting the bad news, and I wished that the bad news would hurry up and arrive.

I needed to let go of Marie and move on, but I did not seem to be able to let go of her. Every time I tried to let go of her and move on, she was in the way.

I was lonely, I felt badly in need of nurturing, and I was starting to doubt my sanity again.

The next day was another nightmare. I did not received the bad news that I was expecting. I attended my office for a short time, but I again needed to leave. I could not quite understand what was going on. I remained at peace deep within my soul, but I was depressed, and desperate on the surface. As far as I was concerned, what I was experiencing did not make much sense. I was in purgatory.

I received another surprise when I saw Marie whom I thought I was releasing. I wanted nothing more than to hold her. I knew that I could not hold her which depressed me further. I continued to doubt my sanity.

When I reached my lowest ebb, Sally telephoned. Sally always seemed to know when to telephone me, which never ceased to amaze me. She put me back on track, and I believed that I had learned not to attempt to make anything happen, at my pace.

I was beginning to see my psychic abilities as a curse.

The following morning I wondered if I would receive the bad news that day. In hindsight, I cannot believe that I could not see that the 'bad news' had already arrived.

I was learning how to read Tarot cards. It appeared that I was stuck with my awakened psychic abilities, so I needed to learn how to use and control them.

I felt that I should not be involved in my business, but I did not see the point in working somewhere else, because somewhere else would probably be as negative. I knew that I would visit England, and for the second time since I had returned from the island, I accepted the fact that I would soon visit England.

I saw Marie again. I could hardly take my eyes off her. I missed her more than I realised. The sadness that I felt that day was again becoming depression. However, what I was experiencing in respect of Marie did not feel 'right'. Our relationship in itself had not been enough to prevent me from letting go of her. I knew that I needed to let go of her, and I knew what I needed to do to let go of her.

In fact, I did let go of Marie, over and over again, but my feelings for her continually returned to haunt me. I did not know why. It was the point that my feelings for Marie would not go away, which caused most of my difficulties. My emotions were all mixed together, and what I was experiencing, defied my understanding.

I telephoned a friend, but it was apparent that I was supposed to remain in solitude. I did not like solitude, and I attempted to do something positive about my solitude, but it seemed that fate had other ideas.

I went to my beach for some clarity. I was still learning, and I continued to gain insight. I lived with my soul some of the time, but I knew living with my soul some of the time was not enough. I needed to learn how to live with my soul, all of the time.

The days began to run into each other, with patterns being repeated over and over. I needed to stop attempting to live events before the event occurred. I needed to accept that I was only allowed to know what was necessary about the future. I needed to stop attempting to add the detail when I was given no detail. I added detail often, and I always got the detail wrong.

I attended my office when I needed to, and I seemed to be able to focus on the task at hand, but I certainly did not want to be there.

I knew that I was going through a transition, and that it was going to take time for me to complete my transition. Nevertheless, I continually attempted to rush my transition. When I was not attempting to rush, I was trying to prevent my transition from occurring. Mostly, I was trying very hard, too hard, to flow with what was happening, and to do positive things. I wanted my transition to be over, one way or another.

During this time I saw Marie many times, and whenever I did I could not take my eyes off her. I was drawn to Marie, but I knew that I needed to keep away from her.

I could not understand what I was experiencing. I had dealt with my break from Marie, when my break from her had first occurred. I had accepted my break from Marie, I had grieved and I had taken a mature approach. I had applied everything that I had learned in this lifetime to accept my break from her. Which is why I could not understand how my break from her had then come back and hit me so hard.

I continued to question my sanity, and I was beginning to doubt that my experiences were real, but nothing, could change the fact that my experiences had occurred.

I visited Anne. I surprised myself because I told her much of what I had been experiencing. Until that day, I had kept my experiences to myself, except for what I had told Sally, and there was a lot which I had held back from Sally. I was frightened people would think that I was going insane. I did.

I began slowly, and I gradually explained all of my experiences. Releasing or acknowledging my experiences, was exactly what I needed. When I had finished talking, everything that I had experienced seemed to make sense, and I stopped doubting my sanity, for a while anyway.

My peace only lasted for a short time. I knew within my soul that everything would be all right but nevertheless, I began doubting again. I became discouraged with life. If things were meant to happen, why didn't they happen? I was very frustrated with my constant mood swings, and depression was setting in. I went to my beach, and for the first time I did not find any answers at my beach. My depression deepened.

The only consolation I had, was that after every battle I had with myself, I gained another insight. Gaining some of these insights was draining every ounce of inner strength I had.

I was attempting to make tomorrow today. My problem was knowing what my future had in store for me. I did not know how to live today, and stop focussing on a tomorrow which I saw clearly. I increasingly saw my psychic abilities as a curse.

During the next few days, I lost even my inner peace. I seemed to be battling either the past or the future with very little respite. I was negative. Eventually, I returned to my beach.

We are like caterpillars, struggling for existence against many predators and unable to see past the few leaves in front of us. We cannot imagine what it would be like to be a butterfly soaring in the wind, and seeing the beauty of everything around us. The metamorphous that we must undergo to transform from a caterpillar into a butterfly is very painful, and we have no idea what to expect when the process is complete.

We have to accept the analogy of the caterpillar and the butterfly, and we have to know that our transformation will be worth our pain.

I continued to fight the battles within myself, learning a little more, and transforming a little more with each victory. Whenever I was on my correct path, learning was easy. Sometimes I was given up to twelve insights in a day, but whenever I took a wrong turn, learning became difficult. I could spend days in a major depression. Only when I understood where I had gone wrong would my depression lift, and I would gain an insight.

For a few days I lived with my soul, I followed my instinct, and I gained insights. I reflected on, and learned from the past. I saw the negative patterns in my past, and I understood more about my life, without attempting to relive my life. I was at peace, and I started to believe that I was nearly at my journey's end.

I reviewed my Tarot experiments in an attempt to understand where I had read the cards correctly, and where I had read them incorrectly. I was finally learning some control over the psychic abilities which were awakening within me.

I could see my remaining buried fears and insecurities with increasing clarity. I was able to track my remaining insecurities back through my life to the point where they originated. By understanding how my insecurities developed, I would be better placed to fight them. I saw Anne. I was able to talk openly about my demons, which was a big step in fighting my demons.

I was relaxed, and I was beginning to settle down into my new life. However, I was waiting for everything to come together. I was living in the present, and I felt confident. Amanda was with me and I could feel her love.

I continued to reflect on all facets of my life. I could see how I had suffered every time that I had compromised myself.

Suddenly, I attempted to change direction. I thought that I could move along the path into my new world, and hang on to my old world. I do not know why I thought that I could travel two opposing paths, and at the time I did not realise that I was attempting to travel two opposing paths. I did not know, until I was reviewing my notes to write this book, many months later, exactly what had happened. The clarity of hindsight enabled me to see that this was a turning point, but for many months, I had no idea of exactly what had happened.

I had decided that I should maintain my involvement in my business, as well as pursuing the spiritual teaching role I was being asked to adopt. I knew that my business had unlimited potential, and I knew I could drive my business to reach its potential.

I attended the office feeling overconfident, and very sure of myself. By mid-afternoon depression had set in, and I found myself plummeting into despair. I became desperate and lonely. I desperately wanted Marie. All I could think of was that a few months earlier, I had nearly everything I had ever wanted from life, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, I had not thought it was possible for life to be better than my life was, and then my world had been pulled out from under my feet.

I returned home, and I continued to deteriorate. I thought that I must surely be going insane. I did not have a clue what had happened. I did not know what I had done wrong. I became suicidal. In desperation I telephoned Graeme. I had to do something to prevent me from killing myself.