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Searching for My Soul
Book Two Seeking the Knowledge Within


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I was attempting to relax and remain patient, but sometimes relaxing and maintaining my patience was difficult. If all that I had experienced was real, I could not understand why I was not at peace all of the time. I could not understand why I was impatient, and I could not understand why I sometimes felt lonely in my solitude. I remained in solitude more often than not.

God said, "You are too hard on yourself my son. Do not underestimate the difficulty of the mountain that you must climb. You must follow the hard road so that others will know that they must not give up if they find that they cannot achieve enlightenment easily. You still feel frustration, and at times despair, despite all that you have learned, because others will feel frustration and despair when they travel their road to enlightenment. How would they know that they are on the right road if you did not guide them through the difficult parts as well as the easy parts? Do not worry. Do not despair. Be patient. Your time will soon be here."

I was drawn into a bookstore. I did not know why. I found myself browsing. I picked up a magazine and opened it. The very page to which I had opened the magazine, seemingly at random, contained a message for me; 'It is a time of consolidation, and I should not be down hearted.' I was fascinated.

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Time travel, or at least a form of time travel, is possible.

I did not understand the concept of 'time travel' at any level. I knew that 'time travel' was possible, and I knew that 'time travel' was linked in some way to the different incarnations of the same soul. I knew that in some form one incarnation of our soul could travel through time to assist another incarnation of our soul.

I knew that we travelled through time in spirit form, not in physical form, but I felt that physical form could be adopted in some way in the destination time. I did not know how, or why this concept of travelling between lifetimes worked, or what we were able to achieve by travelling between lifetimes.

The principle of lowering our vibrational rate after we have travelled spiritually, to take on a physical appearance, is similar in principle to that which allows soul contact to be physical in nature.

I was a step closer to understanding travel between lifetimes, but I was far from understanding travel between lifetimes. I did, however, understand soul contact a little better. I understood that it was through lowering our vibrational rate, not enough to take on physical appearance, but enough for physical contact, which allowed soul contacts to be physical.

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Encounters with those on the spirit plane, which have physical aspects, are not uncommon, either by touching a person or an object. This 'physical' experience occurs through the same principle of the spirit lowering its vibrational rate.

I was still a long way from understanding vibrational rates. I knew that vibrational rates existed, and I knew that vibrational rates dictated which plane we exist on. However, I did not know how or why vibrational rates worked.

A spirit had been with me throughout that night. The spirit felt different from the other spirits which I had encountered. Nancy had called in for dinner that night, and initially I thought that the spirit was one of Nancy's guides. The spirit was not one of Nancy's guides.

The spirit was my own spirit. I knew that the spirit was my own spirit. However, I could not understand how the spirit could be my own spirit, nor could I explain the experience of encountering my own spirit. I certainly did not know why my own spirit was here, or perhaps why I was here.

Nancy was still experiencing past life regressions. Nancy's past life regressions were vague and very fuzzy. From what Nancy described, her past-life regressions were similar in nature to my own early past life regressions. One thing which did surprise me was that Nancy also remembered the incident where I had helped the woman who had fallen at my feet. I did not remember Nancy being involved in that lifetime, at that stage, but I had recalled very little about that lifetime.

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New souls are created from existing souls. A soul will split forming a new soul, which is different than the separation which occurs with soulmates.

Soul splitting is how soul cells are formed and why. We remain connected to our bonded souls. We remain bonded to the soul who created us, and to the souls that we have created. Each new soul also splits in time creating more new souls. Those new souls are new identities, and have their own experiences. Soul cells or bonded souls are not part of the same soul, with each part learning different things. Soul cells or bonded souls are, however, connected because they were once the same soul.

I knew that what I had learned about the creation of souls was correct, although I did not really understand what I had learned. I did understand that my task was more significant than I realized, even at that point. I continued to have difficulty accepting that all that I was experiencing was happening to me, but I knew that it was important that I was having difficulty accepting my experiences.

I needed to maintain my difficulty in accepting my experiences, so that I would maintain the perspective that my task was bigger than me, and not the other way around.

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When the previous teachers were amongst us, most of those whom they were teaching had missed the point. This is one of the biggest obstacles which we must overcome, we have missed the point. The main cause of us missing the point is that we attempt to rationalize and interpret events. We will continue to miss the point because events can be rationalized in many different ways. The key is to allow everything to be, and to accept whatever occurs. As we are ready to accept reality, our experiences will build on themselves and we will understand. When we interpret, we are effectively using our interpretation, whatever that may be, as a block. We prevent ourselves from understanding the truth, or being ready to receive the truth.

Another thing that I had learned the hard way, was to leave my experiences alone and to allow my experiences to build on themselves as I was ready. Much knowledge, which I had not understood when the knowledge had first been explained to me, became clearer as I released more information and knowledge from within myself.

Many of the difficulties which I had encountered had been caused by my failure to learn to leave my experiences alone. I was not convinced that I had fully learned this lesson, but I knew that I would eventually learn the lesson. I also knew that I would be tested, until I did learn the lesson.

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I was learning to discount nothing. Many times I had not accepted a concept that I had 'known' was not right, only to have that concept explained to me some time later, when the concept could be put into context, and I saw where the piece of the puzzle belonged. It was usually the context which I had known was wrong, not the concept.

I had learned that the truth is contained, in part, in many places, but as a whole only within. Although I only saw that part of the truth, which I was ready to see. The important thing to remember is that the truth is within all of us. I ask nobody to accept the truth in my words. I ask everybody to accept the truth within themselves.

If those who choose to read my words choose not to accept my words, it is not important. All that is important is that we look for the truth within ourselves. If my words are the catalyst for others to look for the truth within themselves, then my destiny is fulfilled.

Those who choose not to accept my words, cannot be convinced of the truth by me, and those who accept my words blindly, have missed the point.

The message which I am delivering is simple, accept that all things are possible. Find the truth within, and most importantly have no emotion but love for all people and all things.

My example is such that my example must relate to many. There are many keys within my words which will unlock the door to people's souls, but each key is different, and each key is individual.

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The wine is the only reality to those who elect not to see the bunch. It is most difficult to see other than what is physical, when we are taught that only physical is real. Those who accept what is spiritual are conditioned to believe that only those who are special have full access to what is spiritual, but this is not true.

I am not special in that I am no different from everybody else, but I am special because we are all special.

I continued to struggle with all that was happening. However, it appeared that my difficult phase was ending. A new phase was about to begin, although I knew that I still had much to learn.

I drew on my life's experiences. I saw similar periods in my life where a phase of my life had ended, and another phase of my life had began. I recalled my feelings at these times and I saw the parallels with what I was now feeling, which gave me strength. I knew that I had done, all that I had been asked of me up to this point. I was now required to be patient.

I reflected on my environment and my attitude towards two people within my environment, who had also been within my previous lifetimes. I felt that I had broken both karmic circles. I felt that I had learned what I needed to learn from my contact with those two people.

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I received a letter from my soulmate which convinced me that she was looking for her 'one and eternal love', and that she was not only looking for a way to leave her country. At this time I had only written to her twice, and she described me as a 'kind magician who could see people's thoughts and desires'.

We were connected on all levels now. We understood each other from the perspective of the spirit plane, although it would still be several months before we would meet. It was as if we had always known each other, which we had.

Everything within my environment pointed to the end of my learning phase, and the beginning of my teaching phase. However, I had learned enough to know that appearances were not necessarily so. I did desperately want to move from my learning phase, into my teaching phase.

I was to spend the majority of the following two days at home in solitude, before travelling to Melbourne on behalf of the business, and to attend Sally's wedding. I suspected that something was about to happen, because something always happened as my periods of solitude came to an end.

Each time that I was given knowledge or understanding, the knowledge or understanding remained with me, and became a part of my environment, until I fully understood the particular piece of the puzzle which I had been given. I would then move on to something else, and I would be given another piece of the puzzle.

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God said, "Much of what occurs on the earth plane is subject to the physical restrictions of the earth plane. It is on the spirit plane, which has many levels, where all is possible, but the spirit plane is not enough. If a spirit appeared before 10,000 people, the majority would find a way to deny that the spirit had appeared before them."

I entered the spirit plane. I travelled to the lifetime where I had worn the white robe. It was the lifetime in which I had been Judas Iscariot…

The woman threw herself at my feet because I scorned her. I reached down to help the woman get up. When I helped the woman up, she looked at me with hatred. The woman looked at me with a hatred so fierce, that I could recall her hatred to this day.

I now recognized that woman, the woman had been Marie.

In my lifetime as Judas Iscariot, I had effectively betrayed myself through the remorse which I had felt as a result of my betrayal of Jesus. I'd had both of my legs broken. It had been my lower legs which had been broken, cleanly. My right leg had been broken two inches higher than my left leg.

My betrayal of the teacher Jesus, had been planned and arranged before the lifetime had commenced. My role within those events which had been established to demonstrate, and give credit to the principle of love was that of a betrayer, the betrayer.

Afterwards, I had become consumed by the earth plane, I had lost sight of what had occurred, and I had blamed myself for the betrayal. The guilt which I had felt for betraying my friend, had consumed me totally.

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God said, "The resurrection occurred, but the resurrection was physical in nature, not spiritual in nature. Cannot people be resurrected now, and are people not resurrected each day in hospitals and ambulances?"

I had no concept of what was going to occur next. As I remembered the following events, I understood why I had reached out to myself from a previous incarnation, a few days earlier. I was in awe of my own memories. Surely what was happening could not be happening, but what was happening, was happening.

The teacher had been becoming a master. The teacher was confused, and at times troubled as he slowly understood the truth. I had been the thief whom Jesus forgave at the time of the crucifixion.

Jesus looked at me and said something which I could barely hear. His eyes were full of sadness.

My feet and lower legs became numb from the break 2,000 years earlier.

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I was bound to the cross by my wrists. The wood was rough and the splinters pierced my skin. My wrists were bound tightly, and eventually my wrists became numb. A nail was driven through my left palm first, and the pain was so intense that the pain caused me to become numb with shock. I did not feel the second nail, but I did see the second nail being driven through my right palm. I could not stop myself from watching.

The cross was raised and in time my throat became incredibly dry and parched. Breathing was difficult. My wrists itched where they were bound. In many ways this itching that I could not scratch was the worst torture of all.

It was extremely hot, the sun was very bright and the glare forced me to close my eyes tightly at first. After a time, the effort of holding my eyes closed became too difficult for me to sustain. My eyes opened and I felt my eyes glaze over. All that I could see was hazy images of what was around me.

I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, but I did not have enough strength to sob. My tears rolled freely down my cheeks, until my eyes too seemed to dry out.

I felt despair, a great despair descend over me. It was not despair at being crucified. It was despair caused by my remorse and guilt at betraying a friend. It was a despair filled with self pity, and an expectation of eternal damnation. It was a despair which had remained with me until this day.

I passed out. After around nine hours, I was removed from the cross, but I regained consciousness and my legs were broken. I did not feel the pain in my semi-conscious state.

I could feel tingling in my legs where the breaks had been.

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The teacher did not regain consciousness at that time, and therefore the teacher's legs were not broken.

There was a man in the crowd who I recognized from this lifetime. I had known the man on and off for twenty years, but I was not bonded to the man.

Everything that I had experienced then, I experienced now. I wondered why God did not interfere.

God said, "I cannot interfere, all must be learned or learning is not real."

I understood that my role within the Jesus lifetime had been planned, and as such I had not done anything wrong. My guilt had been an illusion, but my guilt had been real to me for nearly 2,000 years. I knew that what had occurred then, and what was occurring now had been planned, and a part of me had known this all along.

I spent a few hours discussing what I had just experienced, and other things with Rose and then I felt cleansed.

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I did not know why my identity as Judas had been revealed, and I did not know why my identity as Judas had been revealed now. I suspected that my awareness would have some bearing on what was to happen, but I did not know what. I knew only that my identity as Judas was important.

The earth plane is not meaningless. If the earth plane was meaningless, the earth plane would not exist. The earth plane has been created for us to experience. How can we learn to respond to all things with love, if we do not first experience all things?

The problem which we have is that learning is difficult. However, if we recalled what we had learned in previous lifetimes, learning would be a lot easier. We do not recall what we have learned in previous lifetimes, so we are destined to repeat lessons time and time again until we learn. As long as we do not learn, we carry the lesson with us. We carry the lesson with us for as long as it takes us to learn the lesson.

One of my basic lessons; 'do not carry guilt' had been carted around by me lifetime after lifetime for nearly 2,000 years. Guilt became entwined and mixed with many of the lessons which I was given on my journey. I could not leave my guilt behind, until I drew on my memories of what had caused my guilt, and I had understood that there was no reason to feel guilt.

Carrying unlearned lessons is not necessary. We can learn by looking at our life now and viewing everything with pure love. Pure love is all that we need to know, and pure love is all we need to learn. It is far easier to learn pure love and to understand pure love, if we learn that all fears and insecurities are illusions, and that love alone is real, because God is love.

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We can learn pure love and pay no attention to the detail of existence, if we choose, because learning pure love is enough. If we can achieve pure love without the need for further lessons and explanations, then our path is very easy and very direct. If we cannot follow the direct route of pure love, we must look within ourselves for the explanations, lessons and knowledge that will lead us to the higher plane by the long route. It is our choice.

I knew that pure love was the key to the easy and direct route, but I also knew that I would remain on the long route. The events which seemed to indicate the end of my difficult phase were occurring across all planes. It appeared that my difficulty would continue to lie within my need to balance the three planes which were my existence, until I had completed my journey.

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