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Searching for My Soul
Book Two Seeking the Knowledge Within

A Little Understanding.

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I reflected upon my life once more. I knew that I had never been comfortable in artificial environments. At times, such as when people socialized or attended business meetings, they are artificial towards each other, making small talk and discussing things that are 'safe', but are artificial. These discussions had always made me cringe, and I had chastised myself for being so insecure that I could not participate. I had seen my intense dislike for artificial discussions as a weakness, but I had overlooked the fact that I had no difficulty in talking to anyone in an environment based on truth, as I saw my truth at that time.

I had attempted to overcome what I saw as a fear, what I saw as a weakness, many times. I told myself that I was shy, but I knew that I was not shy. The truth was that I had no desire to participate in artificial events, and I had no ability to feign interest in participating in artificial events. Instead of accepting the truth, I had fought the truth and I had caused myself many problems trying to fit into artificial environments, where I simply did not fit. I was wrong in my attitude because I did not embrace my own beliefs, although in fairness to myself there were times when I did embrace my own beliefs. I am not suggesting that those who embrace artificial environments are wrong by their standards, they are not. We must all live within our own truth because our own truth is the truth for us. It is the environment that we have created to learn from and this cannot be wrong, because all learning is individual.

I was wrong. I was trying to fit into the world and the environment created by others, but I did not belong in the world and the environment created by others. I had only allowed myself to attempt to become part of that environment created by others so that I would learn that I did not belong in the world and the environment created by others. I know that many criticized me, many thought me to be strange, and many did not understand me, just as I did not understand them, or in hindsight, I did not understand myself.

Even when I began to understand myself, I did not understand those who sought artificial environments, but I was now learning to understand all. Who was I to judge what another needed to learn? How could I know what another needed to learn? How could I determine if another's path was incorrect? I was beginning to understand that each path is necessary for those who travel the path. Even if the path is wrong, the path is right, because those who travel the path will only learn that the path is wrong by travelling the path, just as I had.

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I needed to learn to stop chastising myself when I did something that I perceived was wrong. By chastising myself, I was putting pressure on myself and making my journey harder. Every time that I chastised myself, I was judging myself.

I needed to understand that I, like everybody else, did all things so that I would learn. I needed to understand that I did all things so that I would learn and I needed to accept that did all things so that I would learn, instead of wasting time chastising myself, which achieved nothing. I had certainly learned that chastising myself did not prevent me from repeating something. I needed to understand why I had done whatever I had done, no matter how minor or major what I had done was. I needed to use my time to understand my choices, because it was only through patience and understanding my choices that I would learn.

I knew that if I understood why I did something, I could understand what it was that I needed to learn. I knew that understanding what I needed to learn had to come from within, and I knew that understanding what I needed to learn would ease the pressure which I continued to load onto myself. Only I could ease the pressure, because only I could put the pressure upon myself. I knew this truth, but I did not live this truth. I needed to bridge the gap between knowledge and understanding.

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For years, I had told myself that I was unable to participate, even when I attended artificial environments, due to my insecurities. I had been wrong, but I had also been right. I had blamed my insecurities for my not wanting to participate, when in fact it was my insecurities which had made me want to participate.

I reflected that even now when I attended business meetings, I felt that I did not belong, but I knew that I belonged within myself. So wherever I was and whatever I was doing, I must belong. That I belonged within myself was something else that I knew I needed to learn, even though I did not quite understand the point that I needed to learn.

I knew that time meant nothing, and the only reason that time meant something was because I allowed time to mean something. I had not worn a watch for some time. I did, however, accept that I needed to be aware of time while I was attached to the business and that there would always be a need for time to make appointments and arrangements, because of the linear nature of the earth plane. I realized that I was focusing on time by recording the passage of time in my notes and in my books. I knew that time was not relevant, but I had made time relevant. I understood that I had made time important and I understood that time would continue to be important whilst ever I made time important.

After I accepted that time was unimportant in itself, I recommenced recording the passage of time in my books. Time itself remained unimportant, but the passage of time was a part of my example.

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When I went to collect my boys, I spent time talking with Rose. Rose had another message for me; 'By being concerned about what others think I could affect the information contained in my books. I needed to write with no concern for the opinion of others.'

The pattern of those in my life having messages for me, continued as did the pattern of me having messages for others. I did not know why I did not receive the messages direct, but I did suspect that there were some messages that I was blocking. I was unsure if I would always block messages.

Anne had rung a few days earlier with another message; 'I needed to be patient, trust my instinct, and stop trying to move mountains.'

I spoke with Nancy, who was attempting to understand aspects of her life. I had passed on a message reminding Nancy of the turning point in her life, and I had suggested that the turning point in her life was where Nancy should focus. As my journey continued, Nancy would be drawn ever stronger to this turning point in her life.

I spoke with Sally after I had endured a difficult two days earlier in the week. I had mentioned to Sally that I had really created the difficulties myself. Sally had reminded me; 'Even so, the difficulties were real at the time.'

It appeared that my journey would continue with messages passed to me from others, usually when I had blocked some knowledge from within, or when I expected more from myself than I should reasonably expect.

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I knew that I was skirting around a memory, the memory of long ago when I had been chosen for this role. I knew that I had done something against God and that I had effectively been given this task to redeem myself, but I was still unable to reach the memory. I did not search for the memory, but I was aware that the memory existed, and I knew that one day the memory would surface. However, I was far from convinced that I wanted this particular memory to surface.

I understood that my current approach would continue. I would listen to any who had an opinion, and if there was a message, I would identify the message. However, I would keep my own council and I would find my answers within me, and as such, within God. I knew that God would provide whatever I needed, and I knew that God would explain what was necessary for me to know, usually as I learned whatever I needed to learn, or found whatever knowledge was necessary for me to take the next step. I had learned that God would tell me when I was ready to know, and that God would wait until I had taken the necessary steps by myself. Experiencing for myself was the only way that I could learn.

When I had become aware that being in the office was draining my energy, being in the office had discontinued draining my energy. I had believed that by being aware of the energy drainage I had stopped allowing my energy to be taken, but I now understood that I had not been allowing my energy to be taken, I had been giving my energy away. No one can take our energy from us, but we can give our energy away, and we often do give our energy away.

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I understood that we remain in the environment of our creation, no matter what environment it is that we have created, until we have learned all that we have created the environment to learn. In my case, every time that I thought that I had learned all there was to learn, I would learn something else. I needed to accept that I remained within the environment which I had created, because there was something more that I needed to learn.

If we focus our energy on the negative, and not wanting to be where we are, we block our ability to learn and therefore, we effectively become trapped where we are by our own lack of understanding. The only way to free ourselves from these self-imposed prisons is to see our environment for what our environment is, and use our environment for the purpose that our environment was created, to learn. All environments are positive if we use our environment for the purpose that we have created our environment, and negative if we do not use the environment which we have created to learn.

There had been many times when I had learned from my environment, and my environment would be gone for a few days, but I would then recreate the environment. Initially, I could not understand why I would recreate an environment, but I would only recreate an environment when I had more to learn from that environment.

Often I had despaired at recreating my environment, but despairing had achieved nothing. I had searched desperately to understand why I had created an environment and I had found nothing. All that I needed to do, was be aware that I had created the environment for a purpose, and allow whatever the situation was to be. I would then, but not always immediately, see what I could not previously see, learn what I had not learned and again, the environment would disappear, until I needed that environment again. Only after I had learned all I needed to learn from an environment, would the environment disappear permanently.

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Mistakes, dead ends, detours and loops were many, and I was destined to travel them all, but I now understood that none were wrong. They were what they were and I would learn from each one of the mistakes, dead ends, detours and loops.

Almost immediately after I had learned something I would be tested. This occurred time and time again to determine if I had really learned whatever it was that I had learned.

The pattern continued, I was being led to small 'confirmations' that what was occurring was real. I was creating environments for myself to learn within, over and over again. There were many times when I did not know what it was that I had not learned, until I created an environment that demonstrated to me what it was that I had failed to learn. I would then look deep, often not aware of what I was looking for, but sitting still and allowing myself to look within.

I would bring my awareness and knowledge to the surface. When I found whatever I was looking for, when I became aware of the knowledge within. I would see what I had not learned, and I would be amazed that I had not been able to see whatever it was that I had not learned. I was amazed that I would have been oblivious to something that I was doing day after day.

Much of what I was learning was about what could only be described as habit. I saw how I was still doing many of the things which I had done to fuel my insecurities, and yet my insecurities had all but disappeared. Often the result of the environment which I had created, did not concern me either way, but this did not stop me from creating environments based on habit. I had not learned to avoid creating environments to fuel my insecurities.

This was why I had not changed my overall environment. I was creating environments out of habit, so that I would learn that I was creating environments out of habit.

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I found the times when I had knowledge close to the surface without being able to reach that knowledge a little frustrating. However, if I allowed my frustration to develop, I had no chance of allowing the knowledge to surface, and I had no chance of allowing the knowledge to become awareness. I needed to relax and allow the knowledge to surface.

I knew that I needed to learn not to become frustrated, not even a little frustrated, but this would take time. If I attempted to force myself not to become frustrated, not becoming frustrated would be harder to achieve because I would cause myself frustration in attempting to learn not to become frustrated.

I had much to learn. The more that I did learn, the more that I realized I had not learned, but despite this, and despite all that I had been told, I still looked for a time when I would no longer have such difficulties to deal with.

God said, "The mind can only be opened from within, knowledge can only flow from within. The true nature of what is termed the mind, is not understood. Many consider the mind to be physical, and therefore attempt to understand the physical nature of the mind. The mind is more accurately described in your terms as spiritual. The spiritual nature of things cannot be understood correctly when approached from a physical viewpoint, what is spiritual can only be understood from within because what is termed the spirit is contained within.

"All answers are contained within and cannot be found anywhere else. Those who seek answers within others will find no answers. All answers are within self, and can only be found within self. Those who look within self will find answers and those who look elsewhere will not find answers. Those who seek answers and proof of answers elsewhere will not find them. When the answers are found within, so is the proof.

"You yourself, have looked for proof elsewhere time and time again, but you have not found this proof that you seek. You will not find the proof which you seek, because you are looking in the wrong place. All answers that you have found have been within you, but you continue to focus on those things that are not within you. Ask yourself why do you continue to focus on those things that are not within you, when all answers that you have found have been from within."

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The more that I reflected on my life at that moment, the more that I could see how everything, every environment that I had created was to teach me. Over and over I learned or did not learn, but there were no circumstances that were not created to teach, either through demonstration or through test.

God said, "What must be done can only be done by each person. If I were to do what must be done, it would not be done. Each must do what must be done for themselves. I can answer questions for those who have found me, but they must first learn which questions to ask. Each time a question is discussed, each time a question is asked and each time an answer is given, a step is taken.

"You continue to despair at not knowing what you know. You continue to despair at not learning what you have learned. You continue to be surprised when things are as you know that things are. However, each of these are steps, steps that must be taken. Such is the nature of the path that you have chosen to travel.

"You will recall the insights that I have given you, and which you thought that you understood so clearly at the time that you received the insights that I gave to you. As your knowledge increases, your understanding increases and the meaning of the insights changes within you. So it is with all, there is no correct meaning of the insights, because all meaning changes as knowledge increases. I told you this, but you did not understand.

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"Do you not understand that much of what you do is to obtain the key to unlock the knowledge within you? It is not what you do, see or read that contains the knowledge. What you do, see or read only contain the key that unlocks what you are ready to learn. You have long been aware of this truth, but you did not understand this truth. How many keys have you planted in your own words and found when you were ready to find them? You have planted keys in your own words often, but you were not aware that you had planted keys in your own words, and you did not understand that you had planted keys in your own words. When I told you that your words and my words contained the keys, I did not say that they were keys only for others. I said they were keys for all, and you are part of the all.

"You know far more than you realize, if you would only allow yourself to listen. How many times have you finally understood something only to realize that you had known that something all along, but you did not realize or accept the knowledge until you were ready to listen. Understand that accepting that you have knowledge, is the key to having knowledge."

Despite all that had happened and despite all that I had learned, everything would be flowing quietly for a while, slowly falling into place, and suddenly a number of things would go wrong. Not just one thing, but one thing after another until I became totally frustrated. Each time that I became totally frustrated followed a similar pattern. As soon as I was able to see passed my frustration and see things as they were, everything would fall back into place again.

Despite knowing that I would be able to see passed my frustration, and that everything would fall back into place, I needed to learn not to allow my frustration to consume me in the first place. Only a part of the problem had been caused by what had gone wrong, or what had occurred other than I wanted. Most of the problem was caused by my negative reaction, to whatever had gone wrong.

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I did slowly learn not to react negatively, but it took time. I had created the environment in which a number of things would go wrong to learn how quickly and how suddenly a negative thought can take hold, and how quickly a negative thought could consume me, if I allowed the negative thought to take hold. This was a major lesson, and I knew that I would be tested in respect of this lesson again. I had reached a point where I was able to overcome my frustration within a few minutes, but I needed to learn how to stop my frustration from occurring at all, which was going to take some time.

I could at least appreciate that what had once taken days, and then hours now took minutes.

I meditated long that night, I had many questions. I reflected on many of the events that had occurred since my journey had begun. My instinct had not allowed me to do anything that could change the course of events, and I had followed my instinct regardless of the perceived cost.

The periods when I was at peace were lengthening, and the periods when I was troubled were diminishing. Often I would feel that I had achieved much, but I would then feel that I had achieved little, because I realized that there was more that I needed to achieve, much more. This had confused me greatly, because I did not appreciate that both had been right. We do need to rejoice what has been learned, and we also need to be aware of what has not been learned. However, we must not despair about what has not been learned, because our despair will prevent further learning.

I had not gone to my beach for a few weeks and I did not know why. I was not drawn to my beach, even when I was troubled. I finally understood that I was learning, and I needed to learn to draw power and peace from within me, regardless of my surroundings and my circumstances. I did not need to draw energy from my beach, I could now draw energy from within.

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For some time I had been holding onto aches and pains, which was something else that I had not been able to understand. I knew that my aches and pains were self-inflicted, and I had reached a point where I knew that I was creating my aches and pains myself, but my aches and pains felt real nevertheless. I knew and I understood about the power of crystals, and I finally decided to use a healing crystal on my pains. I again felt the energy from the crystal draw through me, and the morning after I had used a healing crystal on my pains, the pain had gone. This could have been psychological, except that I had not been convinced that using a healing crystal would work. I had doubted that using a healing crystal would work, because I knew that my pains were self-inflicted. I had attempted to remove the pain using the crystal on the basis that the crystal could not hurt.

I continued to meditate. I saw that I had not been able to do many of the things that I had attempted to do, because I was trying to do the things that I had attempted to do for the wrong reasons. I had not been able to do the things that I had attempted to do, because I had not learned that the reasons why I was trying to do the things that I had attempted to do, were wrong. It was only through learning that the reasons why I was trying to do the things that I had attempted to do, were wrong that I would be able to do the things that I had attempted to do.

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The same principle had applied whenever I wanted to speak with someone. If what I wanted to talk about was going to perpetuate steps down an incorrect path, the person with whom I wanted to talk would not be available. We would continue to miss each other until such time as I had realized my mistake and corrected it. Then as if some block had been removed, I would be able to talk to that person.

I was still looking for the magical moment when all would be clear, when my journey would be over, but I knew that the magical moment would not happen. I knew that I had to travel my path step by step. I knew that there was no other way for me to reach my Journey's End.

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