A Master's Acceptance
When I arrived home that night, I had a message on my answering machine from Felix who owned a house in Sydney which he rented to tenants. Felix's tenants were moving out at the end of the month, and Felix's house would be available if I needed it. The availability of Felix's house certainly appeared to solve my major problem, and the offer of Felix's house had occurred exactly when God had said that a solution would be provided. However, this possible solution was very far from the salvation which I had been promised.
I maintained my financial burden and other burdens which I was struggling to carry, and I continued my attempt to balance between two worlds. One of my worlds appeared to be crumbling, and the other of my worlds had no physical substance, but how could I doubt what God had said, when Felix's house had become suddenly available on this very day.
I had received another temporary stay of execution, but my promised salvation seemed very far away.
God said, "Instead of providing your salvation, I provide only enough of a solution to allow you to continue balancing between worlds, and to continue to carry your burden which has been lightened just enough to enable you to carry your burden again.
"This displeases you, but you continue your journey. You continue your journey without concern, worry or despair. You ask nothing of me. Surely you must now see that you are indeed worthy.
"In fact, even now you continue your task, and you allow yourself to receive the messages which I deliver to you.
"On the higher plane time has no meaning. Time does not exist. It is via the higher plane that you are able to travel to both the past and the future. Everything is in fact occurring at one time, because time does not exist on the higher plane. What to your physical or lower self is the future, is in fact happening at this moment from the perspective of your higher self, as is everything that has happened in your past, regardless of your incarnation."
I said, "So we increase our depth of awareness further?"
"Indeed. As I have explained it is not that I provide for you, it is that I foresee your future. The term 'foresee your future' was and is correct from your awareness level, but if we now take that one step further. What is the future for you in the context of your lower self, is now from the context of your higher self. For me time does not exist, and all is occurring at one time.
"Existence is a circle. I can move to any point on that circle and in so doing, wherever I am on the circle becomes now for me. Effectively, if I move to a point on the circle which is in your future, I am seeing your future.
"Moving to points on the circle, is how your instinct leads you to what you need to experience. Your instinct knows what you will experience, because for your instinct everything that you experience is occurring now. Moving to points on the circle is how, for example, your instinct can guide you to draw out the exact tarot cards which are used to tell your future.
"As I have explained, moving to points on the circle is how your soul is able to travel to either the past or the future. To your higher self, everything is now.
"The other point which I need to make, is that sometimes it is not possible to fully understand what is occurring, until after whatever it is has occurred.
"Consider what I have said to you this night. Allow your awareness to further increase.
"You wonder if your promised salvation did not occur, because you feel unworthy or because you desired your promised salvation to occur. Neither of these reasons why your promised salvation did not occur are correct. It was not time for what we have termed your 'salvation', that is all."
My old football injury began to trouble me for the first time since I had returned to the mountain in my lifetime as the Indian boy. I knew that I would return to that mountain again in this lifetime. I was becoming very tired.
Katerina rang that night, which reminded me that in slightly over one week I was unlikely to be able to even talk with Katerina on the telephone. I was able to maintain verbal contact with Katerina, although the level of our contact was to decrease dramatically.
I did not know what to do, other than wait a few more days and allow whatever was going to occur, to occur, if anything was going to occur.
Late that night, and in the early hours of the following morning, I reflected on all that had occurred in the previous week. I was looking for something which I had done incorrectly, or other than in my best interest. I could not find anything that I had done incorrectly. I had not embraced what was being said, which could have been the problem in itself, but I did not believe that not embracing what was being said was the problem.
I wondered if I had been looking for signs, but I had not been looking for anything. 'Signs' had been thrown in my face at almost every turn. Despite this, I had not embraced the concept of my salvation.
I reflected upon the experiences that I had been reviewing prior to sending Seeking The Knowledge Within to my literary agent. I may simply have been reliving what I had reviewed. If so, I had to wonder how many times I would need to relive the same event. Nor did I understand why I was required to finish the review of Seeking The Knowledge Within, when I could not even afford to send Seeking The Knowledge Within to my literary agent, let alone finalise the contract for Searching For My Soul.
I considered the option of Felix's house, which had been an interesting and unexpected development. The option of Felix's house certainly dispelled my belief that I had run out of temporary solutions to my financial difficulties. I knew from my experiences since I had begun this journey that the resources which we need are not always provided from where we expected them, and this truth had been demonstrated once again.
That Felix's house had become available, exactly when Felix's house became available was just enough to confirm that a solution to my difficulties had indeed presented itself, exactly when God said that a solution to my difficulties would present itself, which was too much of a coincidence, to be a coincidence.
My financial position continued to be unmanageable. I had barely scraped through having just enough funds to pay the creditors who would wait no longer, and no more. Strangely, neither Rose nor Katerina had been adversely affected by my financial difficulties.
The events surrounding the business once more seemed about to unfold as I had foreseen many months earlier. I wondered if the events which seemed immanent would be the beginning of the end of the business, or if it was simply the beginning of another circle and I would find a solution which would hold the business together again, either temporarily or permanently.
When I put the pieces of environment which surrounded me together, it was apparent that nothing had changed. Considering that a week earlier it had seemed that my environment would change, and that I would be forced to dispose of my remaining assets, that nothing had changed could be determined to be salvation.
However, that nothing had changed certainly did not feel like salvation, and my outcome would not inspire too many people to follow my example.
My awareness had certainly increased, and I had triggered many past life regressions during the previous week, which had also explained a little further where and how many of the people who were in my life now, fitted.
Expanding on the concept of why time has no meaning on the higher plane had certainly increased both the depth of my awareness, and the depth of my message. I knew that it had been my experiences of the previous week which had prepared me to increase my awareness, and this alone could have been the reason for the experiences.
I felt that everything would be well in my life and I felt that everything would be well in my life without the slightest doubt. I knew that if I had been aware that Felix's house would become available, the knowledge would have changed my course of action, and thus would have altered my experiences of the previous week.
Despite all that I had gained during the previous week, I was no closer to finding the solution to my financial difficulties which would be my salvation, and my wrists had begun to itch again, in memory of my crucifixion.
It was time to begin a review of Understanding My Destiny. I had forgotten the titles of the chapters, but as I turned the page, the title of the first chapter jumped out at me, 'The Beginning of the End'. I knew that 'The Beginning of the End' could mean anything, and that the words could have 'jumped out at me' for any number of reasons.
I no longer wondered how much more I would endure, I would endure whatever I was asked to endure, of that I also had no doubt. I would certainly experience the truth within this statement.
Late that morning, I began to receive flashes of events. I did not know what the flashes of events represented, other than that the events spanned a period of time of 800 years. I did not know whether it was 800 years in the past, or 800 years in the future, or why I was receiving the flashes.
I continued to reflect on the events of the previous week. I had relived all of the emotions and events in one form or another throughout the review of my first two books, but it had only been during the previous week or so that I had known that it was necessary for me to record my experiences of my review in detail. At the centre of my review was the unworthiness issue, which had only really surfaced after I had experienced my more recent regressions into the Jesus lifetime, and after I had tied my regressions from many other lifetimes, to my crucifixion beside Jesus.
I continually received keys to my ever increasing awareness wherever I turned, but I could not find the key to the issue of unworthiness.
I knew that the circles which were my path had continued throughout my journey, and I knew that sooner or later they must cease. I did not know when this would occur.
I briefly entered the spirit plane. I was walking along my path. My path had become narrow. On one side my path was supported by my old world, but my old world supports were slowly starting to crumble. On the other side, my path was supported by my new world but my new world supports were weak and could not take the weight of my path. I knew that I needed to reduce the mass of the burden which I was carrying, and reduce the weight on my path or my path would collapse from under me. I had no way to reduce the weight on my path that I could see, other then to throw my burden, which was my old world, over the side. However, I knew that if I did throw my burden over the side, it would collapse my old world completely, and I would be left without support. Discarding my load was not an option, I needed to somehow remove my load, or replace my load.
I looked up ahead. I could see my old world fall away and my new world strengthen to take the load. I looked further ahead and I saw my new world expand and take up the load on both sides of my path.
The dilemma I faced was reaching the point where my new world was capable of supporting my path as my old world fell away, before the path collapsed from under me. I could see no way to reach the point where my new world was capable of supporting my path if my burden was not reduced, and I had no way to reduce my burden, that I could see.
I took a deep breath, maintained my balance and slowly and carefully took a step forward. I looked back. I could see the point where I had been forced to rest. It was the point where my old world had become unstable.
I clearly saw how tenuous my position had become. I realised that I should have given my new world substance before I had reached this point, but I had not given my new world substance. I wondered why I had not given my new world substance, after all I was an alleged master.
|I was back on my path. I looked at the lack of
substance in what was allegedly my new world. I reached out and grasped
the key which appeared in front of me. I studied the key and I began to
understand the key that I had been given.
My new world did not have substance, because I had not given my new world substance. I could only give my new world substance by accepting my new world. To accept my new world, I needed to accept that I was a master.
I could not help but think that this development was very convenient. Another step which I needed to take, another carrot to keep me going. Perhaps it was just another logical and seemingly rational explanation developed by a delusional mind. A mind belonging to a man who had felt useless in his old world, and as a result had created a new world in which he became useful.
Despite my thoughts and concerns, the peace of a master descended over me.
Maybe the voice of God was no more than my subconscious mind finding a way to keep me going, until my sanity returned and I felt useful once more.
There were many flaws with this thinking and I was forced to discard my thought as a possible explanation. Everything that had happened to me, had in fact happened. I had not imagined my experiences, because I could not have imagined my experiences. Too many others had witnessed or relayed enough of what had occurred for my experiences to be anything other than my experiences were, very real.
This being the situation, my experiences must be real and if my experiences were real, by extension I must, therefore, be a master. Well, maybe.
Of all that I had experienced, of all that I had become aware, of all that I now understood, there was one remaining doubt which I needed to remove. That doubt I know had been necessary, but despite all that I had learned about my own existence, the doubt I was left with was me. The one thing that I could not really come to terms with, was that my experiences had happened to me.
I had visited the future, I had seen glimpses of my future, and I knew without doubt what my future held. It had only been a few hours previously that I had stood on my path and seen where my path led.
Despite all of these experiences, my doubt remained. I knew that my doubt had been necessary because my doubt had caused me to experience, and my doubt had caused me to question and through questioning receive answers.
It was not doubt through a feeling of unworthiness. As I looked at my future, I knew that I was worthy. It was a doubt which had been necessary, but a doubt which had now fulfilled its purpose. I knew that it was releasing my doubt that would lead to my salvation. However, I also knew that, at this point in time, I was meant to have my doubt, because everything is as everything is meant to be.
I knew that I would release my doubt, but I did not know how or when I would release my doubt.
I thought about all that I had written that day.
I asked, "How can I be a master if I cannot embrace the fact that I am a master?"
God replied, "A master who embraces that they are a master, is not a master."
|I was always appreciative when God replied with
God expanded, "A master retains humanity and humility. One cannot retain humanity and humility if one embraces that they are a master, and by extension one who embraces that they are a master, is therefore not a master."
This made some sense, but I did not quite see how humility fitted with all that I had learned. I also doubted if anyone saw me as 'humble'.
"We have established that how others see you is not important. For most people, the concept of a master implies a superiority which does not exist. So for one to embrace that they are a master, they are effectively embracing that they are superior."
"Masters are no different."
"No, and a true master knows that masters are no different."
"Do I know that masters are no different?"
"You do know that masters are no different."
"So why do I doubt, does one have to doubt that they are a master, to become a master?"
"Effectively yes. One will accept that they are a master, when it is time for one to accept that they are a master."
"I thought you said …"
"I said that a master does not embrace that they are a master. It is through not embracing that one is a master, that one accepts that a master is no different. Through accepting that a master is not different, not superior, not special in any way, a master can accept that they are in fact, a master."
|"By extension then all are masters."
"Yes, all are masters. Those who are known as masters have realised their acceptance that they are a master and those who are not known as masters have not realised their acceptance that they are a master, that is the only difference."
I could feel the 'breaks' in my legs and my nerve endings were again 'on edge' as my vibrational rate increased.
I finally understood Sue's message of a few weeks earlier, that I was being given a rest, before I continued my journey. In many respects I had chosen to interpret my rest period, as an end to my journey.
I glanced at the page which I had attempted to review that morning. The note pad which I was writing on covered most of the page that I would review next. The second phrase on the page was uncovered and drew me toward it like a moth to a flame. 'I had found a new beginning.'
Despite appearances, I had a feeling that the availability of Felix's house was not going to be a part of the solution to my difficulties. However if not, I did not know what would be the solution to my difficulties.
Later that day, I spoke with Felix again. Felix's house would not be available for a week later than I needed accommodation. I could probably find a way around that week, but it was apparent that the rent which Felix would require was beyond my means, if I was to continue supporting three households.
I supposed that if I needed to find a way to balance a little longer, I would find a way to balance a little longer.
I became very tired. In fact, I was more than tired, I was absolutely exhausted. It was all that I could do to keep my eyes open. The pressure which had re-exerted itself when it appeared that Felix's house would not be the solution to my difficulties, once more pushed me to the point where I believed that I could take no more.
Despite my exhaustion, I felt an inner strength within me as my spirit touched the very fabric of existence, and drew energy from life itself.
|I wondered why I should be so tired if I was
a master. Initially I had been given enough to keep me going for a week,
and then a day. I wondered what would happen tomorrow. I suspected that
I was being too hard on myself, and expecting too much from myself.
I supposed that I was in the middle of making some point or other, and that when I understood the point, my increased awareness would make what I was experiencing worthwhile.
It had now been more than one year since I had been asked to carry an ever increasing burden whilst balancing between two worlds, which did not seem that long on paper, but the duration of my journey felt like ten years. The volume of my experiences which had occurred one after another, felt like I had lived ten lifetimes.
I reached within my soul, and I knew that I did accept that I was a master. I really did appreciate all that I had experienced, although it would have been far more enjoyable if I had not also needed to endure the pressure of my continual and increasing difficulties. However, in line with the circular reality which is the true nature of existence, I had needed the pressure of my continual and increasing difficulties to experience all that I had experienced.
Coincidentally, and to make the point that I could endure more pressure, my financial pressure increased again that night. Once more I reached the point where I desperately wanted to walk away from everything, and live in a cave.
The additional pressure which I had received was more than I could carry, and again I stopped, not quite knowing how I could continue my journey and wondering how I could continue to carry my ever increasing burden.
|I had reached a point where I was even too
tired to write. I made a few one word notes which I used to write these
notes when I regained enough strength.
I once more seriously considered disposing of my belongings, but I realised that disposing of my belongings would not solve my problems anyway. I had no idea of what to do. The load which I was carrying manifested itself in my back, and I could barely move. It felt as if the pressure and the burden was really affecting me, except that I did not really feel the pressure and the burden inside of me. My spirit felt strong, and I had maintained my contact with the fabric of existence.
I received a telephone call which was obviously designed to demonstrate to me that I could endure some more pressure. I took the added pressure for some time, before I could take no more and I snapped.
I listened to the response, "You only have yourself to blame, selling your property and gallivanting across the world, believing that everything would be all right." I terminated the telephone call.
I sat quietly. I thought about the day's events and all that had been thrown at me. I smiled. My energy returned.
That night, Carlos rang from England. Carlos' life seemed to be turning around. Carlos had a message for me, "Hang in there, you know that everything will work out."
|It was another day. I stood in the early morning
sun and once more reflected on the previous twelve months. It did not
matter what my problems had been, a solution to my problems had always
presented itself at the very last minute. I had always scraped through.
I had always been able to continue for a few more weeks, until the pressure
had become once more unbearable, only for another temporary solution to
present itself again.
I knew all of this, it was fact. The basic pattern had been fact all of my life. Regardless of my business success, I had always found myself in a difficult position financially, only to scrape through at the last minute.
The real pressure that I had experienced during the previous few months, had been caused by the combination of following my path and balancing the requirements of my path with the responsibilities which I had chosen to maintain. My chosen responsibilities effectively had me supporting three households. Initially when my recorded journey had started, my problem had been caused because I was unable to sell my house, combined with the fact that I was supporting two households, and that I was required to follow my path.
Each time that I had gone 'gallivanting' somewhere, it had been as part of my journey. Carlos' coincidental telephone call had confirmed that my 'gallivanting' had been a part of my journey, and we had discussed that I had 'managed' to be in England, on the two occasions when Carlos had really needed me.
|I considered my three trips to Europe. A combination
of selling my house and 'frequent flyer points' had funded my first trip
to Europe. My house had only been sold and the funds were made available
around ten days prior to my first trip to Europe, which may have been
When it was time for my second trip to Europe, I was enduring extreme financial stress, and God had given me a precise timing for my second trip to Europe. Exactly when God had said that funds would be available, funds indeed became available. A consulting contract which I had been attempting to finalise for months suddenly resolved itself. The funds which were provided by the contract should have gone to the business, but my partner allowed my personal use of those funds for six months, which had now almost expired. This had amazed me at the time because I had borrowed from the business to keep me going whilst I tried to sell my house. When my house had been sold it had been sold for less than I needed and I still owed that money to the business. The other reason allowing me use of those funds had surprised me was that I'd had major problems within the business being unable to attend the office for many months, whilst I had suffered from stress.
At the time the funds were not sufficient because of my mounting financial pressures, and because I unexpectedly needed to move house. A credit card which had been cancelled two years earlier, had suddenly been reinstated at exactly the right time, and two friends offered to loan me some funds for around six months, again this time was fast drawing to an end. All of these events occurred exactly when they needed to occur for me to complete my second trip to Europe, which was another coincidence.
God had given me the timing of my third trip to Europe and again I could not see how I would even begin to have the funds to complete my third trip to Europe. Exactly when I needed the funds and without any solicitation from me, I was provided with funds which should have been directed into my superannuation account. I was able to use the funds providing I replaced them within the current financial year, and the limit on a credit card was increased without any solicitation from me. The timing of the availability of these funds was no doubt one more coincidence.
|A week prior to my third trip to Europe I had
insufficient funds, but I knew that everything would work out and I had
told friends that everything would work out and that I would travel to
Europe. A few days later, I had coincidentally been offered the increased
credit limit, on the newly reinstated credit card.
As I considered all that had occurred, I could see that I had been given the timing because it was foreseen what would occur. That I knew only that everything would be all right was because my higher self existed on a plane where time did not exist. That I did not know precisely what would happen was because I needed to experience what was to happen. This experience coincidentally underlined that God knows exactly what we have chosen to experience in our lifetime, and by listening to God, or following our instinct, we are led to what we have chosen to experience by the easiest route.
I knew that I had not gone 'gallivanting around the world', I had followed my instinct. Everything was precisely as everything was meant to be.
My back remained sore, but my spirit reached out to the very fabric of existence and I felt an inner calm. I felt the peace of a master.
|As the day progressed I was able to commence
a review of Understanding My Destiny. The feeling
that I would not need Felix's house continued to grow. I needed to move
house within one week and I felt that I should have commenced packing,
but I did not commence packing. I slowly sorted through my possessions,
and I discarded some accumulated junk.
I wondered if I was being unrealistic. I wondered if I should have been doing something about my situation. However, my instinct told me to do nothing at this point in time, so I did nothing.
Joe called me to let me know that something which I had foreseen for him, had now transpired.
That night I looked around me. I thought that I could not possibility have enough time to organise everything for my move, or whatever.
God said, "Do not worry. You have time to do what must be done. You always have time to do what must be done. I have always been right in the past."
|The following morning I retained my inner peace.
I found myself thinking about the reality of existence, and about the
angels and spirits who were around me. Most people I had known in my old
world would believe I was a little crazy, at best.
God said, "Most people block the truth of existence from their awareness, which is necessary for the earth plane to be fully experienced. You understand The Truth Of Reality and you understand why blocking The Truth Of Reality is necessary. Whether any choose to believe The Truth Of Reality is not relevant, because belief does not alter reality. Reality is reality, regardless of belief."
James was experiencing a few difficulties. Evelyn agreed to stay with James for as long as James needed her.
God continued, "As I have explained, all exist within the multi-dimensional maze, and because the maze is multi-dimensional, all exist at the same time regardless of which level of the maze they are on. What I have and what you have described as a multi-dimensional maze is in fact awareness. The multi-dimensional maze that all exist within, is their level of awareness.
"Consider your path, and your journey up the mountain which is also awareness. It is through making your way through each level of the maze which is awareness that you were able to climb the mountain which is the same awareness. Every wrong doorway in the maze is also a wrong turn or a dead end on the path up the mountain. The path which must be followed up the mountain, is the same path which leads through the multi-dimensional maze. The mountain is a multi-dimensional maze, and the multi-dimensional maze is also a mountain.
"Every time that you had believed that you had finished your journey, you had not finished your journey. Even after you had returned to once more touch the very fabric of existence, your journey was not complete. Each time that you rested, you recommenced your journey to move up to another level of awareness. A process which will continue throughout your lifetime, as you know.
"Others will also believe that they have completed their journey, only to have their journey recommence after they have rested. You are the example.
"It has been extremely difficult for you to balance between worlds and carry your burden, but many will be required to balance between worlds. Many will continue to doubt regardless of all they experience. Many will find their way home, but retain their doubt, as you have.
"However, if we were to ask all to carry a burden whilst balancing on a never ending journey they would not undertake such a journey. If you had known what you would have to endure, you would not have undertaken your journey. This is why you did not allow yourself to know what you would have to endure. You are in human form and whilst in human form, the earth plane and all of the difficulties which are encountered on the earth plane, must seem real, because experience is the purpose of the existence of the earth plane.
"There are times, as you have experienced, when your journey seems never ending. Despite this you needed to have a promise of an end to your journey 'just around the corner' to keep you going. Do you recall our story about the drop of water drifting with the river, always hoping that the ocean will be just around the next bend in the river?
"However, those who choose to follow your path will have your example to follow and a 'promise' of salvation just around the corner will not necessarily keep them going. They must see that you experience 'salvation', and that you experience the joys of the earth plane.
"All will see that the joys of the earth plane are magnified when they are experienced from a position of total awareness. The joys of the earth plane will be the basis of your forthcoming books.
"All that you saw as tests were really opportunities to experience placing yourself in my hands, or if you prefer trusting your instinct, which as you have experienced is the same thing."
I asked, "Why did we not say that I was being given an opportunity to experience placing myself in your hands when I experienced the opportunity to place myself in your hands? Why did we portray the opportunity to place myself in your hands, as a test?"
"As we have established, each step on your journey represents your level of awareness at any given point in time, which has been important. We needed to take each step, and as we took each step, we needed to expand each concept as we expanded your awareness."
A little later God said, "Seemingly, you do not have enough time left to find somewhere to live."
I effectively shrugged in response.
I was not surprised when minutes later, Craig suggested that I did not have time to find a place to live.
My buds tingled. I knew that it was almost time. I felt my buds open and I felt the release of my petals which had been held tightly within the bud. I felt exhilaration, I felt free as my flowers fully opened one after another. It was as if my spirit radiated from my open flowers. I felt as if my form could no longer contain my spirit. I was a rose bush.
In a continuation of my connection with people and events in my life being explained, I now understood why I had a strong connection with roses.
It appeared that my remaining few connections were being revealed because this part of my journey was almost over, but I knew that my assumption was not necessarily correct.
God said, "Do you not understand that the new environment that you created previously was an environment which required you to place yourself in God's hands? The environment that you created was to enable you to experience placing yourself in God's hands. You could not have survived that environment, without placing yourself in God's hands.
"That tenuous path which you travel between your old world and your new world is God, which is why you will not fail. Your path will continue to support you, because I am your path.
"The environment which you have lived within for many months, the environment which has allowed you to follow your path regardless of where your path led, and regardless that you did not see how your path could lead where your path in fact led, was an environment to allow you to experience, as part of your example, the need to place yourself in God's hands.
"You may not have understood the experience, but the need to place yourself in God's hands was exactly what you were experiencing, which is why you were able to go 'gallivanting around the world believing that everything would be all right'. It was God who took you 'gallivanting around the world' and God who ensured that 'everything was all right', because you had placed yourself in God's hands.
"You are correct. This phase of your journey is drawing to an end. We have demonstrated our point that it is only through placing oneself in God's hands that one can firstly reach the summit, and secondly return home to the higher plane.
"One must put themselves in God's hands, regardless of their doubt. Retaining doubt does not prevent one from placing themselves in God's hands. In fact, placing oneself in God's hands perpetuates doubt, because God will take one places where one would not have the courage to travel on their own."
I was becoming extremely tired once more. I wanted to go somewhere where I did not need to carry a burden, and somewhere where I could simply rest, without being required to balance. In my current environment, even when I rested, I remained between two worlds, and I still needed to balance.
I felt my whole body tingle from my contact with the fabric of existence.
|That night, I sat quietly contemplating my
next step over the packet of potato chips which served as my evening meal,
and adequately seemed to reflect my financial position.
I suspected that I would use my salary to have my belongings placed in storage. Others who were seeking funds from me, would have to wait.
I felt no worry, I felt no concern and I felt no despair. I did however feel the experience of running out of options. I cried. Nevertheless, I had placed myself in God's hands, and God, my higher self, had always ensured that I came to no harm regardless of what I experienced.
I was extremely tired. In fact, I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. It often amazed me how my spiritual journey could draw so much from me, physically.
My soul was away. I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. I thought; 'This does not make sense.' I wondered why I had created my environment.
Not for the first time, I wondered if I had invented everything that I had experienced. Maybe I had somehow manipulated the situation around myself, when I needed resources previously. However, when I had gone to Russia to marry Katerina, the resources that I had received exactly when I knew that I would travel to Russia, could not have been manipulated by me. The resources had arrived precisely when I needed the resources.
I considered the experience from many angles. Resources had been provided coincidently when I needed resources, which was when I knew that I would travel to Russia, and in line with what Sue had foretold for me. If I had invented my experiences, it seemed that there were an awful lot of coincidences, at a convenient time.
I was a moth. I was gliding through the night air when an approaching light caught my attention. I was drawn to that light as the light drew ever closer. I knew that the light would kill me, but I could not stop myself from moving towards the light. I was jolted free of my body and floated above as I watched the car continue along the road. The driver was unaware that my lifetime had just ended.
|At first I wondered if my memory had been a
warning of what was to come. However, the opposite situation seemed to
apply. I had already experienced being drawn, unavoidably to my death.
I did not need to experience being drawn, unavoidably to my death again.
However, when I completed my final review of Understanding
Who I Am, I saw that there was indeed a parallel between my memory,
and what I was to experience.
God said, "Do you recall questioning whether you had experienced all, because you had not died in a car accident? It was necessary to withhold your memory, until your memory was needed."
I found myself sitting alone in the dark. I saw a flash from Evelyn's crystals.
Evelyn said, "Do not be concerned, I will be with the boy when needed. Now it is you who needs me."
I suddenly became concerned that perhaps I was refusing to accept my current environment, because I could not conceive or accept that I could fail again. After all I had moved onto my spiritual path following what I perceived as a failure in all aspects of my old world.
The next morning, I awoke with just enough time to get ready for the office, having had very little sleep the previous night. Surely this nightmare had to end.
I wondered what this week would bring, and I wondered about my lack of salvation.
|I asked myself if I really was prepared to
sell all of my belongings. The answer was yes, I would sell all of my
belongings. The reason I had chosen to place my possessions in storage
was purely a practical one. To sell everything and replace my possessions
some time in the future was not practical from either a financial or logical
perspective. I would need my furniture when Katerina arrived, or so I
I considered all that had occurred since my journey began. I had been driven to sell my home, which I'd had a strong connection with and had spent a lot of money renovating. My roses had been there, and I did miss my roses. Even after selling my home, following my path had nearly led me to bankruptcy. The only thing which prevented my bankruptcy, was my characteristic of responsibility.
God asked, "Have you not followed your path all of your life?"
I replied, "Yes, all of my existence."
"Do you not recall two other occasions when you walked away from all of your possessions, when you gave up all of your possessions in your pursuit of a peaceful existence? Do you not recall selling all of your possessions to your brother for a fraction of their value? Did you not have to replace your possessions two years later at a cost of ten times the amount you sold them for?"
The answer to each of these questions was yes.
God said, "Have you not already experienced selling your possessions? Why then would you need to experience selling your possessions again? Is it not the same as your memory of your existence as the moth? You have already experienced being drawn to something which will cause your death, knowing what would occur and yet unable to stop yourself? Was your lifetime as a moth that different from many of your human lifetimes in the way in which your lifetime as a moth ended? What you have already experienced, you do not need to experience again.
"Could it not be that you experienced your life and death as a moth solely to allow yourself to draw on that particular memory now, when you needed to call upon that particular memory?
"Maybe the one thing that you have not experienced is good fortune, or good luck. Maybe good fortune is what you now need to experience."
I thought about God's words. I could not recall experiencing any good fortune in this lifetime, not financially anyway. Everything that I had ever had, I had worked for and usually worked very hard for. The circumstances that I had recalled from my other lifetimes certainly did not seem to indicate that I had experienced any good fortune during my other lifetimes either.
I answered, "Maybe."
|I began to wonder how different my life would
have been if I had made different choices. I had married young and my
life had often been a struggle. Each time that something had occurred
which would have removed the struggle from my life, I had made a choice
which ensured that I continued to struggle. Hard decision after hard decision.
Despite what some may have believed, I had always taken the hard road
when I could have taken an easier path, or chosen a path which seemed
I did know that every choice that I had made, had been necessary to provide me with the experience which I needed to bring me to this point in my existence. Despite the environment which I had created for myself, and which I now existed within, I had no regrets.
I considered what I had just written. I could have been living in a nice house with my family and a sound well paid job. This was a fact. Instead I was living in a rented home which I did not like, and I had to vacate in a few days. I had nowhere to go, my wife was on the other side of the world. I was effectively doing two jobs, one job which I did not enjoy paid me well, and the other job paid me not at all. I could have been supporting one household instead of attempting to support three households. Still I had no regrets. If I had followed a different path, there was so much that I would not have experienced.
Everyway that I looked at my life, and every time that I considered all that had occurred in my life, I reached the same conclusion. Everything was exactly as everything was meant to be.
I knew that there was a reason for my current environment. I knew that my current environment had been created to allow me to experience something that I needed to experience, which was the only thing about my current environment which did make sense. As far as I could determine, all that remained for me to experience was salvation. I reached my conclusion after considering my experiences and all that God had said to me, but my conclusion did not make my belief so.
God said, "Still you have not blamed me, and still you have not blamed yourself. From the earth plane perspective you face ruin. You face the prospect of losing everything. Your employment is not secure, and you face the prospect of not being able to bring your wife Katerina, to Australia even if Katerina did obtain her visa. You have worked hard, often eighteen hours a day for twenty years, and despite your years of hard work you face the prospect of having nothing to show for your hard work. Your life could have been very different if you had not followed your path. Despite this, you genuinely have not one regret. Consider your amazement when the load lifted from you, immediately upon reaching this conclusion, and you felt the pain in your back all but disappear. Surely my friend, you are a master?"
I began to offer my automatic response of 'maybe', but I stopped myself and chose to consider God's words before responding.
"Consider all that you have endured during your journey. Even when you despaired, even when you were beyond despair, you did not give up. Surely you must be a master?"
Once more my automatic response started to kick in, but I realised that what I was about to say was only an automatic response. I considered my automatic response and I knew why I gave my automatic response. I did not want to proclaim myself as a master.
|Surely people would believe that an average,
middle class man from within the middle of society would only proclaim
himself a spiritual master, if he was insane.
My automatic 'maybe' was a 'cop out' answer.
I needed to remove what others would think or believe from consideration. I thought about all that I had experienced, and all that I had learned during my journey.
Yes, however unlikely it appeared, even to me at times, I was in fact a master, albeit a reluctant master.
Copyright permission is seldom withheld.