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Connecting with the Higher Plane
Book Five Understanding Who I Am

Explanations And Memories


Most of my remaining back pain lifted. I knew that the only option that I'd had since I received notice that I must leave my current residence was to place my belongings in storage.

Having finally accepted the reality that I had no option other than to place my belongings in storage, which seemed to be the one option that I had not experienced in this lifetime, I anticipated that it would be difficult to arrange because I had left my decision so late.

Effectively I had four days to have my belongings packed and stored and move out of the house. I looked in the telephone directory, and I selected a removal and storage company which caught my eye. Coincidently, the removal and storage company could attend to packing and storing my possessions exactly when I needed them to, on Friday.

Once more my life had demonstrated how everything 'fell into place' neatly and easily when the timing was right. However, I cannot say that this was the 'falling into place' that I wanted.

My next immediate problem was; 'where would I live?' I had at least two options, possibly three but I did not 'feel' that either of the options would be the answer. I rang Felix and I declined his offer of a house at this point in time.

Despite my environment, I felt full of life.

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I continued my review. I had reviewed only a few more pages when I understood why I had experienced my acceptance of 'who I am', that very morning.

I was surprised that day, when I realised that I had been writing Understanding Who I Am. However God did not offer any concrete information, and I did not push the issue.

I was tired, and not for the first time I wanted to discontinue my need to write.

God said, "That you wish to discontinue your need to write is understandable my friend. Many full time writers would greatly desire your need to write, but it is not only your writing that tires you, it is all that you have experienced and that you need to write in addition to your full time employment that tires you."

I considered all that was allegedly going to occur, and I thought that it did not seem possible that everything that was allegedly going to occur could occur, especially not within the time frame which I had been given.

That evening I meditated, focusing on what I knew would transpire, trying to determine if what I knew was going to occur could be simply my imagination. Once again, I recalled what I had been told by numerous Tarot readers and by my friend Sue. What each had foreseen for me was consistent and exactly the same as I knew my life was going to be. If only one of the Tarot readers had suggested the outcome which I also foresaw for myself, I may have invented what I foresaw for myself, but there had been too many different, unrelated, and unconnected sources which had confirmed a consistent outcome of my journey, for what I foresaw for myself to be my imagination.

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God said, "Do you recall when you first heard of …"

I interrupted. I did not want to hear what God had to say. I would allow events to transpire as events would transpire.

I found myself thinking of Marie only to the point that I believed that our circle was finally broken. More than two thousand years of sharing experiences had come to an end. However, our circle was far from complete.

That night, I was reminded that my financial problems were far from resolved.

I continued to attempt to resist my need to write, albeit without success. I was tired of existing within two worlds.

The following morning Anne rang. Anne gave me some information which once would have affected me in one way or another. This day, I barely noticed the information. I reflected on the experience. I had been given the character and achievements that those around me had often gossiped about me, whether they knew me or not. I supposed that experiencing such gossip and rumour was a part of my preparation for my task.

I wondered if I continued to write as some form of security blanket.

God said, "Do you really believe that you write as a security blanket? You have attempted to discontinue writing on a number of occasions. Often when you have a completed a book you have been relieved and satisfied that your writing was over. No my friend, it is not you who 'keeps your writing going', your writing is your chosen role."

I knew that God was right. My problem was that balancing between two worlds had drained me.

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  I reflected upon the gossip around me. The gossip did not matter. Soon my books would begin to be published and the truth would be known, which would be a relief because I did not like 'living a lie'. However, I did understand that 'living a lie' was both unimportant and necessary at this point in time.

As I continued my review that morning, I began to wonder about all of the times that God had told me that my journey would soon be over and that I would receive some reward. In all honestly I was not seeking a 'reward' as such. I desired to be able to continue my task without balancing or carrying a burden. It was not a reward which I sought, only relief. All I had ever sought was relief.

I considered all that God had told me about God's promise, and that every time I had tried to make God's promise purely spiritual, God had maintained that I must experience God's promise. I needed to experience God's promise on the earth plane, which is the only place where experience can actually be experienced.

I wondered how God's promise fitted within my new level of awareness.

God said, "I know all that will occur. I know that all will experience existing within the joy of awareness during their physical incarnation, which is how I am able to both make and keep my promise."

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I continued my review. I wondered about all of the times when I had been told previously that I had 'created a new environment' and then that I was 'existing within an interim reality'. The experience was very confusing.

God said, "Your experience was only confusing because your awareness was such that you did not understand. As I explained to you yesterday, the new environment or new world that you created was an environment which required you to place yourself entirely in my hands. We used this experience to demonstrate that even when all seemed physically impossible, circumstances would occur to make all possible.

"You needed funds to follow where I led and the necessary funds arrived in time and from a variety of unexpected sources. You needed some financial relief so you were forced to move home at a time which may have appeared unreasonable, but it was also at a time when you had the financial resources to move home. The result was a cheaper, albeit temporary, home which demonstrated that being forced to move home was really a solution not a problem, or as it has been often termed 'a blessing in disguise'.

"This new environment that you have created will soon fulfil its purpose, and you will create an environment which will be a new world, and which will allow you to explore your new world. The new world that you will create will be that of living within my promise. Your previous new world was also an interim world, because you will create another new world, so both terminologies were correct.

"Your confusion is a result of a lack of understanding when you believed that you had understood. However, a lack of understanding was necessary to allow you to fully experience a world which required you to place yourself in my hands."

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I was the female dog again. As I washed my puppies, I recognised many of their souls. Many of my puppies were people whom I had encountered within this lifetime.

I found myself considering my mother and my brothers and sister from this lifetime. I had no connection, no past life experiences with any of my immediate family. None of them were in my life at the moment, and they had not been in my life for some time. I understood that I was again being used as the example. I was demonstrating that we are not necessarily connected with the souls who are our family members within any given lifetime.

I reflected that much of my current awareness related to tying up some loose ends within the record of my journey. I also reflected that there had been other stages of my journey which had required me to tie up loose ends, before I could move on.

I sat on a hillside, in front of the small cave were I slept. I wore only a few rags but I seldom felt the cold within my insanity. I sat as I did most days staring at the sun muttering to myself, 'It cannot be, it cannot be'. I was extremely thin. I ate only what berries I found in the forest. I drank from the stream at the bottom of the hill when I could motivate myself to walk down the hill. Often it would take me two days to motivate myself. I went to the toilet wherever and whenever I wanted to. Effectively I was an animal. I was unkempt and I never bathed. Those who encountered me ran in fright at the sight of me. My conscious mind no longer existed. That I survived at all somehow surprised me. I picked a flea from my groin and studied it for a while before eating it. That flea would not bite me again.

It was England. I was not sure when. I allowed my memory to travel back a little further.

I was considered by those in the village to be a wise man and I was often called upon to settle petty disputes or to provide advice. I did this for a fee, usually food of some description. I spent most of my time sitting in front of a fire which I kept burning in the centre of the village. I would sit for hours staring into the flames. Others would often come and sit with me without a word before leaving to go about their business.

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I was known as a seer and a magician. I saw many events within those flames. The simple villagers believed that I brought them good luck.

After many years of staring at those flames, I began to understand that much of what I saw were memories of previous lifetimes. At first the knowledge within the flames had intrigued me, but then I saw everything, and I knew everything, which was too much for me to comprehend. Was I really God living amongst those villagers. 'It cannot be.' I said to myself, over and over again. I stood and with sightless eyes I left that village, never to return.

I walked for what felt like years, before I found a small cave and decided to make it my home. I sat outside my cave staring at the sun, muttering to myself, 'It cannot be, it cannot be'.

I had found the truth of our existence within me and my knowledge of the truth of our existence had overwhelmed me, closing my conscious mind down completely.

I did remember being overwhelmed by awareness, as God had once told me that I would.

I was a female spider. I had just finished mating, and I had killed my mate. I looked at the body without satisfaction. The body would provide nourishment. It was that simple. I had mated before.

I stared at the creature towering above me. It was another lifetime and I was again a spider. The creature who was a woman removed her shoe and stuck me with great force. I did not feel the blow as my spirit left my body. As I floated upwards, I watched the woman wipe the bottom of her shoe on a rock, before she replaced her shoe back onto her foot.

Both the male spider, and the woman who had killed me had been the same soul. It was Nancy.

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I spent most of the remainder of the day sorting through and discarding accumulated junk. As night arrived my burden closed in on me, and again I found my load too heavy to carry. Once again I sat on the side of my path and rested.

The following morning, I was able to recommence the review of my notes. I had known for some time that I had placed many keys to my own awareness within my words, and now I did not subconsciously recognise those keys to my own awareness, now I consciously recognised the keys to my own awareness which I had left for myself, and I was aware of the keys to my own awareness as soon as I saw them.

God said, "Yes my friend. Your thought is correct. You have experienced becoming a master and you are about to experience being a master. The experiences you will have of being a master, will be the basis of your next book."

Later that morning, I again found my burden closing in on me and I was again required to rest for awhile. I looked at the beauty of the world which had once more grown in intensity along with my awareness. I reached out and drew strength from the fabric of existence.

I reflected on the understanding that I had received that morning. I drew strength from my increased awareness, and from my experience that explanations were provided when I no longer needed to experience whatever it was that had been explained. My need to balance was drawing to a close, or so I believed.

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I sat on a balcony, drinking in the beauty of the world around me.

God said, "You wonder about consciously creating your new environment, when the environment that you created was other than what you believed the environment would be. Let us once more consider the environment that you previously created. You desired an environment which would allow you to experience the joys of the earth plane, and provide you with the resources that you required to continue your task. This is exactly the environment that you did create by placing yourself in God's hands entirely. 'Placing yourself in God's hands' was the salient point. You have experienced and effectively demonstrated that by placing yourself in God's hands you did indeed have everything that you required, and you did indeed experience the joys of the earth plane.

"You did in fact create the exact environment that you set out to create. Do not overlook the fact that all you have experienced since your recorded journey began, has been very much concentrated. How else could you write about so many experiences and so much awareness in such a short period of time if what you were experiencing was not as concentrated. Your experiences needed to be concentrated for the purpose of the example.

"You are too hard on yourself, master. You still underestimate what you have achieved and the intensity of your experiences. The experiences that you have endured in the short time since your journey began, have been highly concentrated and would usually be experienced over a number of lifetimes.

"Nevertheless, everything has occurred as everything was meant to occur as a result of the choices that you have made. Your choices will not break you, because as you now recall, you have already experienced being broken by your awareness."

I looked out of my window at the beauty of the world, which was magnificent, but I was once more exhausted. My spiritual load was again manifesting itself physically, and my back was almost locked tight from the strain.

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I rested for a short while. I began to become concerned that I was being asked to focus on my spiritual role far too much, and that I could not put sufficient effort into the job which paid my salary. In all honestly, I was not concerned for myself. I really did not believe that I had anything to lose. I considered that maybe I would be pushed ever further to prove to me that I could carry a heavier load.

My concern was only for those whom I supported financially, although I did concede that they may have chosen to have my financial support withdrawn.

God said, "Do not confuse experience with the task that you have been given. Consider all that has occurred. Separate individual experiences from the tasks. Those individual, or if you prefer 'everyday', experiences are shared with all who are in your life, because sharing is the nature of experience and it could be no other way. Now consider your task. Only those who have consciously chosen to assist you with your task, have been directly affected by your task, and then only for the time that they chose to assist you. You have continually been amazed that your task has not affected those who have not consciously chosen to assist you, or beyond the chosen level of assistance that those who have chosen to assist you, from time to time, have consciously chosen.

"Regardless of whether the support which others have chosen to provide has been emotional or financial, the support which others have been asked to provide, has not exceeded the support which each has chosen to provide.

"Recall your time as a Native American, and recall the words that Sitting Crow spoke to you when this journey first began. You have already experienced leaving those you cared about unsupported whilst you searched for the resources to support those you care about. Why would you need to experience leaving those you care about unsupported again?

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"You are now experiencing maintaining your support for those you care about, whilst you seek to better support those you care about in the future. You have now experienced that maintaining your support for those you care about can be achieved, because you have maintained your support for those you care about in this lifetime. You have maintained your support for those you care about at a great personal cost and sacrifice through maintaining your employment whilst undergoing these highly concentrated experiences which have been your journey. How much easier would it have been for you to simply walk away from your earth plane responsibilities? You have well and truly established that you have maintained your support for those you care about.

"You have also established that you could not walk away from your earth plane responsibilities because of the character which you chose in this lifetime. You chose to experience maintaining your responsibilities, because you have already experienced not maintaining your responsibilities. By maintaining your responsibilities, you have coincidently provided the example that one can become a master from within their own environment, regardless of their difficulties, which is why you were conveniently chosen for this role.

"Do you believe that it is coincidence that your loved ones in this lifetime were your loved ones in your Native American lifetime as well? You have remembered much, you have remembered that your wife in that lifetime is also your wife Katerina, in this lifetime. As a Native American you did not provide support for your wife whilst you were separated from her, so is it that surprising that in this lifetime you do provide support whilst you are separated from her? Is it coincidence that your wife's mother in the Native American lifetime is now your wife's mother in this lifetime?

"Is it also coincidence that you have not recalled connections with souls who rely on your support until now, when it is time to draw on those memories?"

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It is evening. I am sitting quietly by the fire. I hear the noise of children behind me. My sons approach to wish me good night. It is their bed time. Shortly after, their sister, my daughter, follows them to my side. She is the youngest and always tags along behind them keeping her distance. My young braves do not like a squaw hanging around them. I smile to myself and look upon my children with love.

My children in that lifetime, are my children in this lifetime.

It is dawn. It is the following morning. I say goodbye to my children and also my wife. I promise to return with sufficient food for the winter. As I ride off with the other men, I look back over my shoulder at my family. They are standing in a small group. My sister, who is my cousin in this lifetime, is with them. I feel a strange foreboding, but I put the foreboding that I feel down to my imagination. I turn my head forward and I ride away. I would not see any of them again in that lifetime.

God said, "Do you feel any such foreboding now?"

I replied, "No."

"No. You have no reason to feel any such foreboding."

I dismounted my horse. I sat on a rock. I could feel the sun on my back. I still had the strange feeling of foreboding with me, and I could not shake the feeling of foreboding. The feeling of foreboding would remain with me for the remainder of that lifetime, but I did not know this as I sat on that rock. I vaguely remembered sitting on a rock with the sun on my back as a child, but I could not quite place the memory. I felt that those two events were somehow related, but I could not quite understand why I felt a connection with my forgotten childhood memory.

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During my search for food, my feeling of foreboding increased until I could no longer ignore my feeling of foreboding. I finally convinced Sitting Crow that we must return to the village. As we drew closer to the village, every nerve in my body seemed to be screaming at me. I knew that something was very wrong. A part of me urged me to hurry, but another part of me urged me to turn and run. It was as if I did not want to see what I would find in my village.

I stared in disbelief at the open cavities which had once been my son's throats. Their frightened eyes stared back at me. I fell to my knees and shouted at the creator. "It is me you must punish! Why did you allow this to happen …" A great despair descended over me. The massacre was my fault.

I stared at the beauty around me. I knew that it had been necessary for me to relive those experiences so that I understood that such experiences would not have to be repeated. I did however wish there had been another way. I felt as if I was ready to collapse.

After my regression into that traumatic past life, I rested for the remainder of the day and all of that night.


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The following morning, I found myself thinking of the business. I began to wonder if I should accept responsibility for the position which the business found themselves in. As a result of all I had done for the business this year, it was appearing likely that I could resolve the problems again this time, but it would be tight. Despite what I had done, I wondered if the problems within the business would have occurred, if I had not taken my eye from the ball.

God said, "The circumstances of the business could be no different. Everything that has occurred was foreseen. How could anything have been any different when the experiences which were needed had been agreed upon prior to this lifetime? Your partner chose not to act upon your advice. This conveniently occurred at a time when you needed to lose your artificial world, and the other events surrounding you at that time were by no means sufficient to force you to spend your time in solitude on that island, which was a necessary beginning to your recorded journey.

"Despite all that had occurred, your sense of responsibility caused you to want to embrace the business again, which was not destined to be. It would have given neither you, nor your partner, the experiences that you each needed. The events were foreseen, as was the stress which you chose to experience, because enduring stress was the only way in which your conscious self could be 'motivated' to stay on your correct path, at the time.

"That your partner chose not to act on your advice, and that your abilities were such that you have the ability to solve the company's problems were also convenient. Your partner is experiencing the result of not acting upon advice which he knew was correct, and that he knew your advice was correct and did not listen meant that he retained your services, because he needed and still needs you to provide solutions each time that a critical point is reached.

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"This has been convenient for both. Your partner has experienced the 'cause and effect' which he chose to experience in this lifetime, and you have experienced that you are provided for whilst you do my work, which is why you and your partner encountered each other. Do not underestimate that his business continued to exist because of your past support. Your partner is very much aware of all you have done for him in the past, which is why your partner continues to support you.

"Nothing has occurred by accident. Everything has occurred by design. Your partner has acknowledged to himself, far more often than you realise, that he should have listened to your advice. However, this is of no consequence. Your partner has chosen to experience not listening to advice, or guidance if you prefer, that his own instinct confirmed was correct.

"That you suffered from severe stress was fact. That the stress was largely caused by the problems within the business, and that your partner did not want the problems resolved because it was not what he had chosen to experience, was also, and remains fact. Do you believe that you 'found' that article about stress, which you gave to your partner the same week that you returned from England, by chance?

"Everything has been exactly as everything was meant to be, and everything is exactly as everything is meant to be. Everything could be no other way. Do not concern yourself with 'if only …'.

"As you know, 'if only …' is futile, and a waste of time. One thousand 'if onlys' cannot, and will not change what has occurred because everything was as everything was meant to be, as everything was foreseen, and as such convenient for your task.

"That the two you cared most about also 'brushed you aside' when you reached out in desperation because of your problems with the business was also meant to be, and convenient. You needed to be driven away to the island where you had no distractions, so that I could finally get your attention.

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"Today will be a big day for you."

I winced in response, "Don't say that …"

I reflected on my response and I knew I had reached a point where I did not want to create an environment for an experience which I may not enjoy. Not that it had made any difference, which was exactly what I had needed to experience. All of my efforts in avoiding, or more accurately, attempting to avoid, the creation of the environment that I would experience on that day, were futile. All of the times during the previous week that I had cut God short, or not listened to what God was trying to say to me, had not changed the environment which I had created for that day.

It was an environment that I needed to experience, again an environment of salvation, or potential salvation. I knew that there had been events occurring around me which were, and I knew that they were, designed to assist in the creation of my environment. I had recognised each event as it occurred and therefore the events had assisted in the creation of the environment, whether I wanted them to or not.

All that was left for me to do, was to experience the environment, that I had experienced being unable to avoid creating.

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I remembered a time in this lifetime in my early teens. I had attended a church for a short period. At the time I had felt an 'affinity' with Jesus. It was a feeling which I had not understood at the time. Even then, totally unaware, I had 'known' that Jesus was my friend.

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