Removing The Illusion
Throughout the day, I was given opportunity after opportunity to apply my awareness. Each time that I did apply my awareness, the opportunity disappeared. Occasionally, I questioned a point and each time that I questioned a point, the point was addressed, either through answers, questions or a small vision.
I understood a little more about my teaching role, or more accurately I applied my awareness to my knowledge. I would assist others in respect of their journey by acting as a catalyst for the creation of their new environment, which I had known. However, I had not quite been able to come to terms with acting as a catalyst in respect of not interfering with another's experience. I knew that I would not interfere with another's experience, I would be a part of the experiences, by being a catalyst, if a catalyst was needed and chosen.
Each time that I was given an opportunity to apply my awareness, I felt the experience for as long as it took me to understand what was occurring, and to apply my awareness.
In many ways, the day was a repeat of what I had experienced during the previous few days, but this time I was experiencing from a position of awareness.
I continued to be unable to work, and I continued to became agitated and restless. I alternated between my nerves being on edge, and feeling the fabric of existence pulsate through my body.
That night I found myself thinking about my task for the business. I thought; 'I cannot do this task'.
The following morning, I attempted to understand the task which I had to do for the business, and again I thought; 'I just cannot do this task'. I needed to speak with my former business partner that day'. I was supposed to show my former business partner what I had achieved to that point, but all I would be able to do is buy myself a few more of days.
I thought, not for the first time; 'This is ridiculous'.
The previous evening, I had been thinking about Katerina. It seemed unlikely that Katerina would obtain her visa, especially by Christmas. Some words from Jane's reading a few weeks earlier were 'given' to me. "You will be very frustrated when Katerina arrives, because you will not be quite ready for her."
That morning as I sat on the balcony wondering about how there could possibly be enough time to do all that I needed to do, I was given an image. It was an image of a lunch I'd had with a friend four years previously. The lunch had taken place during a four day period in which everything had fallen into place, to allow me to change my environment. My friend had asked me if I was concerned. I had replied, 'No, everything will work out'. Two days after our lunch, the final piece fell into place, allowing me to create my new environment.
I reflected on how much simpler my journey would have been if my children and my wife, Katerina, were not in the equation. However, my children and my wife were in the equation, and my children and my wife needed to be in the equation.
I continued to alternate between planes. At times I experienced all three planes simultaneously. My nerves were continually to be on edge, only to be replaced by a 'fluttering' within me, an expanding of my heart chakra, and a tingling from contact with the fabric of existence minutes later.
|I continued to be surrounded by difficulties in every aspect of my life and my difficulties continued to increase. However, I did recognise my difficulties as illusions.
I knew that I was near the end of the rapids, but I did not seem to be able to quite reach the still water beyond the rapids. In many ways my experience of the rapids was similar to the time when I had reached for the summit of the mountain of awareness, and I had believed that my difficulties would disappear, when I reached the summit of the mountain of awareness.
All that had occurred since I had reached the summit of the mountain of awareness, was that my difficulties continued to return with ever increasing intensity.
The circles of my existence were continuing to converge. In fact the 'big picture' of the overall principle of my journey continued to repeat, and I had now reached the point where I had reached for the summit of the mountain of awareness.
I found the implication of the experience fascinating, but I could rationalise both sides of the possible outcome. All I could do was relax, and allow what was to happen to occur, without attempting to determine what it was that was going to happen.
I reflected on the previous day. Each time that I had felt myself beginning to soar with my contact with the fabric of existence, I would begin to develop a headache or a similar neck pain. Each time I would recognise what had happened, and the pain would disappear leaving me balanced between the three planes.
Everything that occurred at that time, ensured that I remained balanced between the three planes.
|I reflected on my writing. Other than when I was recording an event that had occurred when I was without pen and paper, all of what I wrote, even when I was simply describing what I was feeling or experiencing, had been written without my conscious mind.
In fact, there had been times when my conscious mind attempted to determine what I would write, and each time I would write something different. Whenever my writing had 'over-ruled' my conscious mind, I would believe that what I had written would be confusing, only to find that what I had written was clear when I reviewed my notes sometime later.
I could see that I had not rationalised any of what would happen. I had not written any of what I wrote at a conscious level. Everything that I had written, I had written 'through' my conscious self, but not 'from' my conscious self.
At times throughout my journey I had wondered if aspects of what I had written, when it had appeared time and time again that my difficulties had seemed about to end, had been wishful thinking from my conscious self, but what I had written was not wishful thinking from my conscious self. My words had also come through me, but not from me.
I could not have invented any of my journey, because I did not invent any of my journey. Everything that I had experienced had happened, and I had recorded my journey as my journey happened. It had not been my conscious self that had recorded my journey.
I reflected on the previous day's events. Ringing my major creditor and stalling was an event from the big picture of my journey, as it would be when I rang my former business partner and stalled my task a little later that day.
Effectively, I was reliving the big picture of my journey from my position of awareness, but I was observing what I was reliving, I was not experiencing what I was reliving.
I was suddenly back on the island, fighting my drive to write these books. I recalled all of the times when I had attempted to discontinue writing. I found myself reliving all of the moments when I had received external confirmation of my experiences.
There was definitely a pattern to what I was now experiencing, or more accurately observing. The possibility that I had invented all or any of my experiences was being removed.
What I was now experiencing, was removing any lingering doubts that may have remained, and also showing me that firstly, I had known that my experiences were real even when I doubted and secondly, that my doubts had fulfilled their purpose.
The pattern of this book continued. I was removing each aspect of the illusion one by one, as I no longer needed each aspect of the illusion. The significance of what was occurring in respect of both my journey and my example was not lost on me.
My difficulties remained which was significant in itself. I had reached a point where I had no need for any of the illusions of my environment, except for my ongoing difficulties. I had removed all of the aspects of my environment that I no longer needed, whilst I had retained my difficulties.
I did not have a home. I had a job that gave me no satisfaction, which I was struggling to do. I had effectively lost all of my possessions. I had financial disaster looming, which could adversely affect my children. I had no earth plane indication of when or even if, I would be with my wife.
Every one of my difficulties remained, but that was all that remained. I had believed that it would be necessary for my difficulties to be removed, and that the last of my doubt would be removed with my difficulties, but all that I had achieved, I had achieved from within my 'everyday' environment.
I spoke with my former business partner, which was a very easy discussion with no difficulties at all regarding the delays. Of course I did not tell my former business partner that I had been at home for a week without doing anything in respect of my business task.
That morning, I received a telephone call from the business's major supplier. It seemed the difficulties with the business's major supplier were far from resolved. I had to admit that I was not really interested in the problem, and I did not have a clue what to do to resolve the problem. I was summonsed to a luncheon meeting to allegedly resolve the issue, but the meeting was nothing about resolving the issue. The meeting was about changing the structure of the business arrangement, and I knew this.
I felt that the issue was not my problem and that I was wasting my time, but I agreed to attend the meeting, so I was obviously meant to be involved. I had no idea how to handle the situation, or even why I should be required to handle the situation.
God said, "Trust your instinct."
My instinct told me that I was wasting my time, but the business was supporting my family even if the business was no longer supporting me.
Once more I'd had enough, but I knew immediately that the developments had been perfect for me to have 'had enough', even at my level of my awareness. The developments had certainly had their desired effect, but I felt that my difficulties had to end.
All that I wanted to do, was to have saved my business, removed my difficulties and enjoy a peaceful and content few months with my wife. prior to establishing a spiritual retreat, if establishing a spiritual retreat was what I was required to do.
Since my journey had commenced, I had been 'buying the business time', which had kept me in a job. The parallels between the path of the business and my journey itself suddenly became apparent.
I did not feel that I could buy the business any more time, nor did I feel that I could buy myself any more time. I was wrong on both accounts.
The new difficulties with the business were not my problem, and I did not feel that the new difficulties with the business were my problem. In fact, I felt that I was being shown that I could not 'save' the business from what my former business partners had chosen to experience, any more than I had been able to alter Anne's chosen experiences.
Without my other difficulties and my need to support my family I would have accepted that I could not 'save' the business from what my former business partners had chosen to experience. Despite these developments, my doubts did not resurface, which was the point because I had believed that my doubts would have only been removed with my salvation.
I had known that I would be given an opportunity to experience my awareness that my doubts were not real from within my environment, and whilst I retained my difficulties, so the developments within the business were not really a surprise.
My doubts did not even think about resurfacing, although I really had 'had enough'. As I prepared for my meeting, I continued to return to the point that I really had 'had enough'.
I searched my soul. I searched every corner of my being. I genuinely could not find a doubt anywhere. I had not one remaining doubt, despite that my earth plane difficulties had increased yet again.
Despite being so totally fed up with my journey, that the developments in respect of the business in themselves were another aspect of the big picture of my journey repeating itself, was not lost on me.
I had to smile. My life really was amusing.
My nerves were on edge momentarily and then I felt my heart chakra open a little more as I tingled with my contact with the fabric of existence.
Questions began to enter my mind, questions that I had answered many times. Questions that had been at the centre of my doubt. However, I did not doubt, I smiled. In fact, I laughed.
I was hit with an attempt to make me doubt that I did not doubt. What was occurring was so obvious, because I applied my awareness, that the attempt to make me doubt that I did not doubt, was truly laughable.
My business lunch was the exact opposite to what I had anticipated. It was not an opportunity to attempt to salvage the business again. It was an opportunity for me to accept that there was nothing that I could do to salvage the business again.
In fact I had to admit the truth. I did not want to do this. I fought with everything that I had not to do so, even to myself, but my instinct was screaming at me.
In fact, not only was my instinct screaming at me, but God's advice of how to approach the meeting were pounding in my head. "Trust your instinct."
That afternoon Evelyn's crystals were absolutely dazzling me.
As soon as I accepted the reality of the situation within the business, my peace returned.
Other than having to accept the truth in respect of the business, I continued to be provided with opportunities to accept that I did not retain any doubt. Despite accepting the truth about the business, my involvement with the business was far from over. In fact, the reverse happened, my involvement within the business increased.
As the day continued so did my opportunities to accept that I retained no doubt. The opportunities that I was given to accept that I retained no doubt seemed to relate across all aspects of my existence. One by one the issues which had caused me to doubt raised themselves and as they did, the doubt that each one of the issues had created, seemed very far away.
The following morning, I reflected that I really did want to leave the business, and in fact, I really did want my salvation.
I firstly wondered what I would do if my salvation was not forthcoming. If my salvation was not forthcoming there was very little that I could do. I was unable to extract myself from my financial difficulties, unless I discontinued supporting my family, and if I discontinued supporting my family, my financial difficulties would not be a concern.
I supposed that I could obtain what would amount to a third job, but obtaining a third job did not even begin to seem practical, because the physical symptoms of my spiritual journey were extremely draining.
Regardless of what happened, I would not doubt. I questioned whether I would not doubt. Maybe I was deluding myself and I would doubt. No, I would not doubt. Doubts would surface on occasion in the future, but whenever push came to shove, I did not doubt. Even when what occurred was the opposite of what I wanted, and even when I was shattered as a result of what I experienced, I did not doubt.
It appeared that the issues I would address that day, were the twin issues of 'wanting' and of 'not liking'. The twin issues of 'wanting' and 'not liking' were both issues that I had struggled with despite repeated assurances.
There was one other thing that morning, I felt apprehensive or nervous or something. I did not quite understand why. This feeling had begun when I wondered how I would react if my salvation did not occur. At first I chose to fight what I was feeling, but a few well chosen words from God suggesting that my salvation would not occur ensured I experienced the apprehension.
I had felt the same way on my wedding day and I had questioned if Katerina and I would marry. I had also felt this way when I had been promised that salvation would occur on a specific day, and salvation did not occur. Drawing on my experiences had presented me with a double edged sword.
I will have to flow with my apprehension and allow myself to experience whatever I was to experience. It was only nearly a year later as I completed a review of this book that I truly understood what I had been experiencing.
My concern in respect of timing thrown at me. However, I shrugged my shoulders and accepted that the timing would be as the timing was meant to be. The timing pressure did not cause doubt, and the timing pressure did not change what I wanted, or that I did not like having a timing pressure to contend with.
I reflected on what it was that I did want. I wanted peace, I wanted to be able to do my spiritual work full time and without the conflicting pressures, and I wanted to be with my wife.
God said, "You will not want."
That was easy for God to say.
God continued, "You will not want because you will create the environment that you want. Often people want, but do nothing about obtaining what they want. People need to stop wanting and start creating, and then souls will not want."
I asked, "Do I need to stop wanting, and start creating?"
"No, you have already begun to create your new environment. However, creating an environment can take time. A soul may need to develop a skill, or realise an ability. Maybe a soul could even write a book. It does not matter. All souls will experience whatever they are meant to experience.
"There will be times when a soul will create an environment, but need to be patient before they realise the environment that they have created, because the timing is not quite right. Your example will be helpful to souls who experience delays.
"Consider an example. A soul chooses to change their environment. They are a clerk and they desire to be in marketing, or maybe they are a labourer and desire to learn a trade. It does not matter. A soul chooses to change their environment, because they want, yes want to change their environment. How would any soul experience creating a new environment if they did not want to change their existing environment? Does this not demonstrate that it is all right to want?
"Our soul undertakes the necessary training from within their existing environment. Do you not have a number of insurance related qualifications? Our soul completes a trade or whatever, and they become qualified. In so doing they have effectively created their new environment from within their old environment. Our soul has experienced creating their new environment, even if our soul is unaware that they have experienced creating their new environment.
"However, our soul is unable to realise their new environment without a catalyst, a job offer, funding to establish their own business or whatever. A catalyst is something from an external source. A catalyst will not always present itself immediately.
"That a catalyst will not always present itself immediately is a part of your example. It may take our soul say seven years to become qualified and create their new environment. It may then take two years to realise the environment that they have created. It could be a shorter period or a longer period. It is both relative, and irrelevant.
"Consider a soul who grows up in a poor or slum area and goes to university and ends up living in an upper class area. That soul has changed their environment over many years.
"The principle of want applies to every aspect of one's existence, and in particular to the core areas of partner, home and employment.
"If souls did not want, how would souls be motivated to experience changing their environment?
"We now will address the other of the issues we will discuss this day. The issue of not liking. If a soul likes their environment they would not want to change their environment.
"It is through, not liking one or all aspects of one's environment that one wants to change their environment, or a part of their environment.
"Many would have you believe that you should not want, and others would have you believe that you should like whatever happens because everything is experience. Everything that occurs is experience and whether you like the experience or not is irrelevant.
"When you have returned to being who you are, you will not want. However, 'not liking' and 'wanting' are more than all right, they are absolutely necessary. Unless these twin emotions of 'not liking' and 'wanting' are felt, there is no motivation for experience."
I did realise that I had needed to retain my environment to fully understand the reality of wanting and not liking. Nevertheless, I did not like my environment and I wanted my difficult environment to end.
I found myself thinking about the conclusion to this book and how Katerina fitted into the picture. I believed that Katerina would be a part of my next book, because Katerina was a part of my new world which I believed I would soon explore.
As to whether Katerina and I would be together, everything from the perspective of the higher plane and the spirit plane said yes, and everything from the earth plane indicated no. I supposed I had little choice other than to allow events to play themselves out and experience what I needed to experience.
I found myself reflecting on the business. The problem that the supplier had was not with the product, because I had successfully addressed all of the issues with the product. The problem that the supplier had was with the management of the business, which was something that I was not destined to change no matter how hard I tried, and I had tried very, very hard.
As the day developed, everywhere I turned events seemed to be occurring other than I wanted, which I did not like very much. However, I knew that events occurring other than I wanted, was the point of that day's experience.
At times my nerves were on edge, and at times I could feel the fabric of existence pulsating through me. Sometimes, I could feel both. I wanted to work, but I could not work. More than anything, I wanted my difficulties to be over.
My nerves were on edge and as usual I found it difficult to settle. I could not find peace in anything that I did. I knew that the experience was positive, because I knew that my vibrational rate was increasing, and my body had not yet adjusted. However, I also knew that it was important to reiterate that increasing one's vibrational rate is physically difficult.
I did want the 'external event' to occur so that I could commence building my new world. In some ways, it would have been easier if there was something that I needed to do, but I knew that there was nothing that I needed to do, other than be patient and await the external event, the catalyst which would carry me across the threshold to my new world.
That evening, I became extremely tired, but instead of sleeping I alternated between the spirit plane and meditation. It was several hours before I slept.
The following morning, I again visited the spirit plane, and the combination of my periods on the spirit plane, once more left me with a message that I could not quite reach.
I thought that I really did need to focus on my work that day.
God said, "Brian, you do not need to complete the task for the business."
God's words were fine, but even if I bought myself another week, I believed that I would need to complete the task which I had been given for the business at some point. The reality was that I could receive my salvation and walk away, leaving my task for the business undone, but I could not really see myself walking away and leaving my task for the business undone. It was not my character.
I reflected on the previous day. Nothing had occurred in the way in which I had wanted it to occur.
I reflected on the business. One way or another it appeared likely that the business would need to replace their major supplier. The business' computer systems were not working. They were both problems which I could resolve as were most, if not all of the difficulties within the business. However, these two key issues and in fact all of the difficulties within the business were symptoms. I was going to suggest that the difficulties within the business were symptoms of poor management decisions, but the difficulties within the business were not symptoms of poor management decisions, the difficulties within the business were symptoms of chosen experiences.
I had attempted to interfere with the chosen experiences of my former business partners on a number of occasions, but all that I had succeeded in doing was delaying the chosen experiences of my former business partners. At the same time I had experienced that I could not interfere with another's chosen experiences, and I had maintained my support of my family, which was a convenient side effect.
I retrieved the message which I had been given on the spirit plane. The message was that; 'It was time to really allow myself to be who I am.'
I reflected firstly on Anne, and I had not heard from Anne since her apparent return to Sydney.
I then reflected on Joe, who's lack of confidence in himself had caused him to pass up the opportunity for happiness which had occurred as I had foreseen for him. Joe's position within the business had been diluted, also due to his lack of confidence in himself.
In fact, I was given example after example that I could not interfere with the chosen experiences of others. The point being that after I had done what I was required to do, I had no choice other than to accept that I had done what I was required to do, and stop trying to force others to listen to my guidance. I automatically applied my awareness to my current environment. Perhaps I could walk away from the business after all.
It was so close to the day on which the Australian immigration officials would make a decision in respect of Katerina's visa, and that there was no time for me to do any more to help Katerina obtain her visa.
Nor had the Australian immigration department done anything to 'check me out' and ensure that I had provided them with correct information. I could not see how Katerina would obtain her visa.
At that moment in time, I could not see how it would be possible for Katerina to be with me by Christmas. It did not seem possible that we could be together, but I 'felt' that we would be together.
The situation in every aspect of my life at that time was a repeat of where I had been at the beginning of my journey, only far more intense. When my journey had commenced, it was because I could not endure the difficulties which I was experiencing at the time, but now I was not concerned that I would not be able to endure my difficulties even a tiny amount. I was not concerned.
Nothing had occurred from a lower plane perspective to do anything other than to cause me to doubt. However, I did not doubt. Even if I received no salvation or even if Katerina could not be with me, I did not doubt my journey, or all that I had experienced.
I did not doubt, but nor did I like my environment and I certainly wanted my difficulties to end. I did, however, know that I had done all that I had been required to do, in every respect of my life. The only thing that was physically possible for me to do, or attempt to do, was to complete the task for the business, but every time I had attempted, or even contemplated attending to the task for the business, I became agitated and I could not do even begin the task for the business.
The reality is that physically there is nothing left for me to do. Everywhere that I turned that day, I was confronted with one simple truth; 'this has to end.'
That I now accepted that I could not do anything to assist the business, and that I now truly understood that I could not interfere with the chosen experiences of others, whilst I remained within my difficult environment, was not lost on me.
I knew that if I had already received my salvation, much of what I had become aware of would have been 'lost' on me. I needed to accept that I could not do anything to assist the business, from an environment where I still needed the business to support my family. If I had not accepted the reality that I could not do anything to assist the business, until after I had received my salvation, I would not have really experienced the point that I could not do anything to assist the business.
From my spiritual perspective I knew that my salvation would be forthcoming, which I had always known. However, from my physical perspective I had no idea of when my salvation would be forthcoming. In short, nothing had changed.
The past has but one purpose, which is to provide experiences to be drawn upon to assist in the awareness process, regardless of whether that awareness is but a single step, or an entire journey.
From my perspective, the past had now fulfilled its purpose, and I had drawn on the experiences that I needed to draw on, or so I believed.
When I had been told a few weeks previously that it was time to let go of the past, I had not appreciated that letting go of the past was in itself a process. I had not understood that all of the circles of my existence would converge on a single point of my journey, and that I would need to allow each circle to close.
Even when events from my life that had occurred after I had commenced recording my journey began to repeat, I had not understood that the repeated events were the circles of my journey closing.
My journey to awareness was closing, and so too were many circles of my existence. Circles that had remained open because I could not complete the circle, until I drew on my experiences as part of my journey to awareness.
Each circle needed to fulfil its purpose and close before I could move on, before my journey to awareness concluded, and what was to be my journey within awareness commenced.
The circle, the awareness of the circle and the end of my journey to awareness needed to occur from within my environment of retained difficulties.
It was a peaceful day. I did not seem to need to experience anything in particular other than rest. However, another day had passed without any sign of a solution to my difficulties. I wanted to do something about my difficulties, anything, but there was nothing that I could do. Experiencing that there was nothing that I could do, as I accepted that there was nothing that I could do, completed what I needed to experience that day.
I still felt that I'd had enough, but I knew that there was nothing that I could do to change the circumstances of my environment. As soon as this statement appeared on the paper I knew that my observation was leading somewhere. I also knew that my observation related to whatever I had encountered on the spirit plane that afternoon.
'There was nothing that I could do to change my environment', my observation was contrary to much of what I had learned, but my observation did apply in and to the context of my current environment, where I had accepted that there was nothing that I could do in respect of many whom I had attempted to assist.
I knew that there was a point that I was about to become aware of, because my nerves were suddenly on edge for the first time that day.
God said, "You create whatever environment you need. The environment that you have created is exactly the environment that you need at this point in time, which is why you cannot force your environment to change. You have created your new environment, but you need to allow your new environment to come into being.
"All souls create their own environment, and all souls can change their own environment. However, if an existing environment has not fulfilled its purpose the environment will not change, which is why you created your new environment some time ago, but you have been unable to realise your new environment. You still needed the environment that you had created previously."
I replied, "And this is an important part of the example because others will create a new environment, but be unable to realise their new environment. All that any can do when they have reached a point where they have done all that is required to create their new environment, is allow their old environment to run its course until their old environment has fulfilled its purpose."
I had received flashes of my future spiritual centre throughout the day. It was early in the night and after a peaceful day, my nerves were now screaming.
I said, "I thought that there would be no more questions."
God replied, "Other than this question, there have been no questions, only a little clarification. Mostly you have drawn information yourself, but occasionally you have struggled a little, so I have helped out."
The most significant aspect of that evening's developments was the timing of my nerves being on edge. My nerves being on edge, which translated to my body adjusting to my increased vibrational rate whilst my awareness was increasing, reflected exactly what God had told me would occur that very morning.
I had taken my first tentative steps on my journey within my awareness. I was to discover that my journey would not be within awareness, but through awareness.
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