Allowing Life To Be
| The following morning, I was reflected on my
time as Judas. I considered my character in my Judas lifetime.
I was a very intense and brooding man. I often argued with Jesus. I felt that much of what Jesus had done was little more than words. I thought that Jesus should do more to relieve suffering on the physical plane, and I could not understand the concept of the Kingdom of God being within.
We had argued, and I had accused Jesus of being both insensitive and a hypocrite. Jesus spoke of people choosing to suffer, but I could not see that people chose to suffer. To me, saying that people chose to suffer was a cop out. To me Jesus was full of shit. In short I had missed the point. I did not understand. I was an intense idealist and I believed that there should be no suffering. I had believed that we should be collecting money, and distributing the money which we collected to the poor and suffering. To me, the concept of choice by souls to suffer and experience suffering was unthinkable.
I had betrayed Jesus after an argument. I was angry, furious. Jesus was a pretentious hypocrite. I achieved no satisfaction from the betrayal of Jesus. I felt remorse. I had betrayed my friend in anger and spite. There was no other reason. Subsequently, I confessed to stealing, which I had done. I had not stolen for personal reasons, but I had used the money to help those in need. In my remorse I chose to die alongside Jesus, I believed that I deserved this fate. It was my way of paying my price of betrayal.
The common interpretation of events has changed the crucifixion of Judas, so as not to glorify me. I was crucified as a thief. I knew that I had not been a bad person, just intense and misguided.
Spiritually Jesus and I had arranged the circumstance and the anger to suit our purposes, but on the physical plane, all I knew at the time, was the intense anger which I had felt. The anger had been caused, I could recall now, through disappointment. Jesus had let me down. I had believed in Jesus, but Jesus had not really helped people, as I had thought that Jesus should help people, physically. Jesus had helped people spiritually, but I could not understand this at the time.
I spoke with Katerina. We felt very close to each other.
Later, I reflected that if I no longer became ill, those who chose to experience illness, would wonder what they were doing wrong.
The following morning I awoke early, and could not go back to sleep. It was the day before I was to return to Paris. I was concerned because I had little money left, but I knew that everything would work out.
I knew that if my earthly difficulties disappeared before I had finished my journey, I would forget that to all souls on the earth plane the illusion of the earth plane seems real. I knew that it was important that I did not lose sight of the apparent reality of the earth plane. I needed to retain my humanity, and I needed to remain attached to the earth plane, which was the only way in which I could provide the example that was needed. and the only way that I could show that all souls are the same.
The previous evening I had again spoken with Carlos, and I had no doubt that Carlos was the reason why I was in England, without Katerina. I did hope that I had done what was required, and that Katerina would now receive her visa.
Once again I reflected on Katerina, and once again I knew that my concerns were unfounded. Katerina was the other half of my soul, and I had not known what to expect. I had suspected that Katerina would not be awakened, and Katerina was not awakened. However, spiritually I sensed that Katerina knew far more, than she realised.
I also recalled that I had been warned that there would be a need for compromise in our relationship, but we would be happy together. I could see the need for compromise clearly now. It had been foretold that I would be happy and settled in a new home with Katerina by Christmas, which could mean that we would have our new home by Christmas, or it could mean that it would be several months before Katerina could join me. Time would tell.
The previous evening I had understood a little more clearly how my work demonstrated that 'spiritual' events were normal. I knew many had 'spiritual' experiences, and that many had kept their spiritual experiences to themselves, rationalised an earth plane explanation for their spiritual experiences, or blocked their spiritual experiences from their mind. I recalled that I had foreseen that I would give those who chose an opportunity to share these events, on the island when my role had first been revealed.
As I meditated that morning, Jesus was with me. Jesus had been with me the previous day as well, standing quietly in a corner watching me. That day Moses stood with Jesus. Sitting Crow and Hansa were also with me that morning. I was surrounded by masters, but I was not quite sure why. Maybe the masters were present to reassure me. Evelyn was with me as well. I could see Evelyn's crystals flashing around me as I sat still. I did not know why I had so much support from the spirit plane that morning, perhaps it was simply because I was moving back into phase.
I reflected on my previous afternoon's discussions with Carlos. I clearly saw a message which Carlos had delivered to me. As usually occurred, I had noted the message immediately, and I had understood the message later, when I reflected on the specifics.
That morning I continued my discussions with Carlos who delivered another message to me. The message was a reminder of something which I knew.
Katerina would arrive in Paris on the following Wednesday, on the Friday we were due to leave for Tokyo on the way home, which left us Thursday to obtain Katerina's visa. The timing did seem to fit perfectly with the plans that I had been able to confirm in Australia, but in reality the timing meant nothing, and I knew that the timing meant nothing.
Katerina rang and shortly after I spoke with Katerina, I found myself missing her.
That night Carlos suggested that we had known each other in previous lifetimes. Carlos was right, we had known each other in three previous lifetimes. I did not know the details, but I knew that I had once been Carlos' father.
The following morning, I awoke with bad sinus. It was the day that I would return to Paris. In two days I would know if Katerina would be able to return with me to Australia. I was hopeful but I was not confident.
I was confident that I had completed what I was required to do in respect of Carlos. It was once again up to Carlos, who could move forward or travel another circle. For some reason which I could not explain, Marie was on my mind that morning.
Once again. I would leave it to fate to decide my future. and I would trust that fate and my instinct, would provide me with whatever I needed to experience.
I hoped that I needed to experience being with Katerina, but there were no guarantees. Perhaps I would continue to experience not being with Katerina. I knew was that whatever occurred, would be exactly what I needed to experience.
In many ways I remained confused. I did not wish to return to solitude, but I was now comfortable with solitude. I needed the balance which Katerina gave me, and which I knew was meant to be. We are after all created in pairs.
I had experienced joy with Katerina, not the surface love of many relationships, but pure joy from deep within. There certainly were barriers between us, but the barriers were a part of what we would overcome to be together. However, I knew that if it happened that Katerina and I were not together, there would be a reason why we could not be together.
In many ways I accepted that Katerina was my soulmate, deep down I knew that Katerina was my soulmate. However, I had expected something different. I think that what I had expected was a mirror image of myself, even if I had not really considered what a mirror image of myself would be. I could only allow everything to be, and allow myself to be open to all possibilities.
|I understood much about our existence, but
there was much about our existence which I did not understand. There was
much that I knew about how my life would transpire, but there was also
much about how my life would transpire, which I did not know.
I understood that knowing what I did not know would change my course of action, and therefore change my experiences. I knew that I needed to allow everything to happen, so that I would experience all that I was meant to experience.
Again that morning I was not alone. Jesus was with me for support as were Moses, Sitting Crow and Hansa. The masters were very faint, but I was barely in phase.
Other than to see my children I had no real desire to return home, and I especially did not wish to return to my solitude. If I did return to my solitude, I was meant to return to my solitude, and the reason would be revealed to me in time.
I wondered if I was attempting to justify my situation to myself, but I was not attempting to justify my situation, I was being open to all possibilities. I was trying hard, perhaps too hard, to understand my situation.
When I completed my final review, I considered altering some of what I had written, particularly when I had repeated myself over and over about accepting whatever occurred, or not wanting to return to solitude. However, I knew that repeating my feelings many times was an important part of the example.
I understood my need to remain earthed, and to remain attached to the earth plane. I found myself reflecting on the previous twelve months. I knew that everything was as everything was meant to be.
The previous twelve months had not been an easy time for me, so much had happened, most of which I would not have believed possible. At times, even at this point, a part of me wondered if all I had experienced was possible. However, I could not deny that everything which I had experienced, had happened.
|Katerina did not have her visa for Paris confirmed.
I felt that if Katerina was not destined to obtain her visa for Australia,
I would have preferred that Katerina did not obtain a visa for Paris either.
I knew that my feeling was negative, but to see Katerina again, and to
have to say goodbye to Katerina again, would be very difficult, and something
which I hoped that I would not need to experience. I had certainly retained
my humanity. At the same time I did wish to see Katerina, if only for
a few days.
I was not lost without Katerina, but I was out of balance. I loved Katerina in a way which was new to me. I was experiencing positive love and I liked the experience.
I reflected on my feelings in respect of Katerina. I did not wish to be with Katerina simply not to be alone, and I did not see it as the end of the world if Katerina and I were not together. Katerina was beautiful, but Katerina's beauty was incidental. I loved Katerina deeply, but what I felt was more than love. Katerina completed my experience. Katerina balanced me. Katerina was me.
Spiritually, Katerina and I remained very close. I could reach out and touch Katerina spiritually, and all being well I would reach out and touch Katerina physically in just one more day.
That morning, I found myself reflecting on my psychic ability, and the psychic messages which I was asked to deliver to people. I wondered if I would ever feel comfortable with the responsibility of delivering psychic or spirit plane messages.
God said, "Be at peace, relax."
|As I reflected, I could see a little more of
the work which I would do, and how my teaching role would develop. It
proved to be a quiet day, and an uneventful trip to Paris. I managed to
do most of what I needed to do on the way to Paris. The journey was one
part of travelling which I did not enjoy, but like most aspects of life,
we cannot go from one point to another point without travelling the distance
I was certainly looking forward to seeing Katerina again, although I did experience brief flashes of Marie. I suspected that my flashes of Marie occurred, because we had been closely linked for two thousand years, and we would not share a lifetime again.
When I had said goodbye to my family in England that day, I knew that I would return to England.
I reflected that unless we experienced not having something in our lives, we do not really appreciate having whatever it is in our lives. However, having something or not having something in our lives does not really matter, life is experience and we choose to experience, what we needed to experience. If we respond to every situation with pure love, none of us would have any problems at all.
Despite not knowing whether Katerina and I would be together, I certainly did appreciate, was thankful for the brief few days which we had already shared. As the day progressed, many annoying experiences occurred, nothing important but a succession of little things which occurred to test my patience. What the annoyances were designed for me to experience, I did not know.
|That evening, I sat in a café drinking coffee
and I found Marie on my mind. I did not know why Marie was on my mind,
perhaps the experience was a part of all of the annoying things which
were occurring to frustrate me. Maybe all of the annoyances were simply
to ensure that I appreciated Katerina when she arrived.
Later, I spoke with Katerina. I certainly did miss Katerina, who confirmed that she had obtained her visa for Paris at the last minute. We were left with one hurdle, Katerina's visa for Australia.
I sat quietly and reflected on much of what I had learned. I considered experience. I wondered if accepting that experience was our motivation for everything, was a cop out. I wondered if accepting that experience was our motivation, meant that we were not accepting responsibility for our actions. However, whilst experience is our motivation, our motivation for experience does not absolve us from responsibility of cause and effect created by our experience. There are consequences for all that we do, and we must accept the consequences of our actions. Consequences for our actions, are a part of experience which we have chosen, and the consequences of our actions cannot be avoided.
Throughout the night and into the next morning, the little annoyances continued to surround me. I did not know why, other than the conclusion which I had reached the previous evening.
That morning I meditated as usual. I meditated about Katerina. Life with Katerina would certainly be interesting, but we would both need to adjust to living together. There were aspects of Katerina's character which would be difficult for me, and even though I knew that the difficult aspects of Katerina's character were only a part of Katerina's facade, the difficult aspects of Katerina's character existed. I knew that I was looking at our situation from the earth plane perspective, but at that time, I felt that I should look at our situation from the earth plane perspective.
|I did not want to ignore our potential difficulties,
and pretend that our potential difficulties did not exist. I did see through
the difficult aspects of Katerina's character, nevertheless I think that
the difficult aspects of Katerina's character had 'thrown me' when we
were together previously, because I had not expected the difficult aspects
of Katerina's character. I knew that I would not have identified Katerina
as my soulmate, from the perspective of the earth plane.
I saw Katerina very clearly which was positive. I did not attempt to impress Katerina by being, or attempting to be something that I was not, which was also positive. Sally's warning of a few weeks earlier came to me, "Do not analyse." I knew that Sally was right.
Regardless of whether Katerina obtained her visa or not, I intended to relax and enjoy whatever time we had together. I needed to allow everything to be. I recalled the message which Dorothy had given me a few days earlier, which originally had been advice from her father.
I understood that because I remained anchored to the earth plane, I needed to receive messages delivered through others just like everybody else. This would not change whilst I was anchored to the earth plane, but I did consciously receive each message, even if I only fully recognised and understood the message later.
God said, "Brian, you must allow everything to happen. Do not worry, you will receive the joy and contentment which you have been promised. All can receive joy and contentment, if they allow joy and contentment to happen."
This was the first occasion when I recalled God using my name specifically, and the experience touched me very deeply.
"You are confused because you still think that you should make things happen. You still think that you should force your way on things. I have shown you that this is not so. I have shown you that something cannot be made to happen if that something is not meant to happen. There are times when you must drive things, and when you must drive things you are told what to do. Listen to my council. Allow everything to be, and only take action when I tell you that it is necessary to take action.
"There is much that would affect the outcome of what you are to experience if you knew why before it was time for you to know why, so I must block the knowledge of why from you. You know this. You know that the real reason why Katerina could not obtain her English visa, was so that you would return to England, and provide guidance to Carlos. You know now that Carlos is one of those to whom you are linked, and that as with others, you have chosen to be Carlos' earth guide at this time.
"You are earth guide to many, and an example to all who will listen. You must understand that you are earth guide to many and experience that you are earth guide to many from within the controlled environment, so that you understand that you are earth guide to many, and you are ready to do your work in an uncontrolled environment, when it is time for you to become a teacher.
"Circumstances are created and will be continue to be created to ensure that you are where you are needed. It has been necessary to ensure that you are where you are needed, in the way we have ensured that you are where you are needed, to allow you to experience that you are where you are needed. It is time to draw on your experience, and allow everything to be.
"You were once drawn to do things without understanding why, and others are the same. You no longer need to be driven, just told, but it is necessary to arrange circumstances at times when knowledge would influence the outcome. I cannot influence the outcome. I work from knowledge of what will occur, and wisdom not to interfere. Your earth plane perspective at this time prevents you from having the wisdom not to interfere, so I must block some knowledge.
"As your experience grows, so will your awareness and understanding, and it will become less necessary to block knowledge from you, as it is already less necessary to block knowledge from you, than it was previously.
"Allow everything to be as everything must be, and accept everything. I have foreseen where your choices will lead you, and I can tell you that you will have a joyful and contented life, doing the work which you are destined to do. I have called what I have foreseen a promise, but it is not a promise of what I will give you, it is a promise of what I have foreseen. What is left for you to do, is to experience what is to occur. Allow everything to be, experience everything and feel the joy.
"Do not despair at being anchored to the earth plane. Remember, being anchored to the earth plane is necessary for you to experience the joy of the earth plane."
I met Katerina at the airport. Katerina had met an old Russian lady on the plane, who left her baggage with us. After we ate, Katerina and I spent the evening walking around Paris, looking for cheap accommodation for the old lady. We walked for hours, because the old lady had very little money. The old lady was going to sleep in the railway station, but I could not allow the old lady to sleep in the railway station, so I paid for a room for the old lady.
It had been a very joyful day, but after all the pointless walking I was tired and weary. Maybe I was even a little frustrated. After Katerina went to sleep, I meditated on the future for a long time.
Interestingly, it did not occur to me that there was any connection between God's explanation of being where I needed to be, and the old Russian lady.
The following morning we awoke on time. It was a very significant day for us, because that day we would either obtain Katerina's visa, or we would not obtain Katerina's visa.
Either way, everything would be, as everything was meant to be. I did not know what would happen. I deserved the joy which Katerina brought me. I had taken the risk and agreed to be with Katerina, as I had been instructed to do. I had done much to create my new environment. I did not know what else to do, other than to put my faith in God.
Despite my concerns about not obtaining Katerina's visa I did appreciate the time which Katerina and I had together. Even if Katerina did not obtain a visa we'd had the previous day, and this day together, and I was thankful. That day I would know if I needed to spend more time in solitude, or if it was time for my soulmate and I to reunite on the physical plane.
I knew that God, my higher self, would do whatever was best for me. I prayed that what was best for me, would be as I desired on the physical plane.
Katerina and I had already united spiritually, and much which had happened physically especially during the previous day was a repeat of what had occurred spiritually, during the previous few months.
|I was neither confident nor concerned. Despite
my psychic ability I had no idea of what would occur. I knew that I needed
to experience whatever did occur. Whether I experienced joy, or whether
I experienced more solitude, I would experience which was all that was
important. I knew that I needed to allow what would happen to happen,
I had no choice.
God spoke to me using my name , for the second time. "Brian, have no concern."
That day Katerina and I made our last, unsuccessful attempt to obtain Katerina's visa. I certainly experienced not obtaining Katerina's visa. I did not understand why we had been unsuccessful in obtaining Katerina's visa. That we were not successful in obtaining Katerina's visa did not make sense. To me the whole exercise, seemed like a waste of time and money.
Once again something else was within my reach, but out of my grasp. Why I needed to experience something else being within my reach, but out of my grasp I did not know. Nevertheless, what I had experienced, was something that I had chosen to experience.
I first allowed myself to feel the experience, and then I allowed myself to meditate.
When my soul returned, I knew that I was really thankful for the time that I had spent with Katerina, regardless of what was to happen in the future.
|I told Katerina that I would be in Russia to
marry her in around five or six weeks if possible, but I did not see how
travelling to Russia to marry Katerina in around five or six weeks, would
I thought long and hard. I began to wonder if all I had experienced was an expensive lesson. I was far from convinced that all I had experienced was an expensive lesson, but I did know that all I had experienced had been necessary.
I knew that I needed to be positive, instead of being negative. I knew that Katerina and I needed to enjoy our last few hours together. I allowed myself to be happy, and for a few hours Katerina and I were happy. Suddenly, I found myself telling Katerina that she needed to look within while we were separated, and find the answers within her spirit. I was not sure if Katerina understood what I had explained to her.
Later that night, Katerina and I had a major disagreement. Katerina was unwilling to meet me half way. I saw clearly that Katerina was unaware at her lower self level. For the most part Katerina's life had been a shallow existence, always searching for something, and never quite finding what she was searching for, or indeed knowing what she searched for.
I attempted to explain to Katerina, the best I could. I sensed that I got through to Katerina, albeit on a subconscious level. I could only trust that Katerina would find the answers within herself, while we were apart.
|I spoke with Nancy, and I arranged for a little
more money. Nancy said that she believed she understood what the experience
had been about, and that we would discuss the experience on my return.
I suspected that Nancy may be right.
As I reflected that night, I knew that Katerina and I were not ready to be together. Katerina and I would not be ready to be together, until Katerina found her true self. I suspected that somewhere during our time together, I had delivered the key to enable Katerina to find her true self.
We would now be apart indefinitely, and all that I could do was allow our separation to be.
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