The Dawning Of A New Day
Our life is not short. Our existence is eternal. It is our time on the earth plane, a time to experience life which is short.
Even allowing for our many lifetimes on the earth plane, we really have little time to experience the physical plane, and yet we waste much of our time on the earth plane, learning what we already know. We would have more time to enjoy the earth plane if we would only allow ourselves to become aware of what we already know.
We spend too much time worrying about things which do not eventuate, or that we cannot change anyway. We worry about so many things that are unimportant, and we give so many things an importance which they do not deserve, that we have very little time for anything else.
We all need to take a step back and we all need to see who we are, but how can we see and know who we are, when we continue to waste so much energy pretending, trying to be somebody we are not?
Why do we have so many fears? Why are we afraid to be who we are? Why do we believe that if we are simply who we are, we will not be liked? How have we reached a point where we have let fear consume us so much, that we have blocked out the love which is our very essence?
The reality is that if we were true to ourselves, we would have no reason to fear because our essence is the same, pure love. Pure love is who we are. Pure love is what we must allow ourselves to become.
When we return to the higher plane, we return to pure love. When we return to the higher plane, we live within pure love. When we return to the higher plane, we are part of the pure love which is the essence of all life. However, it is here on the earth plane that we really experience pure love. There is no secret, we need only allow ourselves to experience pure love. It really is that simple.
Despite that we are pure love, we attempt to be somebody or something we are not, which does not make any sense at all. Why are we afraid to be ourselves when what we are is pure love?
For each of us, our experiences are different and I do not have answers for anyone other than myself. I have provided some basic questions and those who choose must find their own answers, from within.
I wrote the lyrics for a song, which I would send to Katerina to write the music. It would be our song for the moment. It would be a personal song for us, our first joint effort.
I slept and I dreamed about various branches of my distant family. They were all mixed together, and I did not understand their meaning.
I was awoken by the strong scent of Katerina's body. At first I could not understand why, but Katerina's spirit again spoke with me. Katerina was again worried, and I again reassured her. Our contact was unexpected.
I wondered if Katerina was aware of our spiritual conversations. A little later Katerina's spirit came to me again, and explained that Katerina did not consciously remember our contacts.
Every time that I restored my spiritual perspective, the next point was to have my spiritual perspective tested again. This time my spiritual perspective was tested almost immediately. I lost my phasing, but I quickly recognised what had occurred. Having recognised what I was experiencing, I thought that the test would be over, but the test was not over. My lack of phasing intensified.
I was able to regain my spiritual perspective within a relatively short time, although I did not know how long it would be before my spiritual perspective, was again tested.
That my spiritual perspective was tested did not matter greatly. Regardless of what happened, it was experience and that was all that was important. I knew that when I had experienced all that I was meant to experience, my perspective would change permanently.
Katerina was very much on my mind. Despite understanding that it was necessary for us to be apart, I would have preferred that Katerina was with me. I spent my time in Tokyo airport watching a movie which I enjoyed. I really felt the emotion contained within the movie.
My trip continued to be plagued with little things which potentially annoyed me. Sometimes they did annoy me, but mostly I was able to shrug the annoyances off. I needed to decide what arrangements I would make to travel home from the airport. In the end fate decided for me. I would ring Nancy to meet me at the airport.
I found myself again starting to focus on the problems of the earth plane. It seemed that everything, every word I heard and just travelling alone, reminded me of Katerina. This time it was Katerina's spirit who assured me, "Brian, do not worry." Katerina's spirit then told me she loved me in Russian. I could hear Katerina's laughter echoing in my head. Katerina's eyes seemed to be burned into my soul.
It seemed that whenever I was able to understand and allow myself to exist on the spirit plane, something would happen to force me to focus on the earth plane. For so long now I had been walking a fine line between two worlds and no matter what I did, I could not seem to quite move fully into the spiritual world or view the world from the spirit or higher plane perspectives.
Once again I wondered for a moment if my experiences had all been an illusion, although I did know that my experiences were not an illusion, my experiences were very real.
On the airplane I again sat with no one in the seat next to me, and once again when I began writing, turbulence started.
|I relaxed and then slept awhile. Katerina was
very much on my mind. I wondered if Katerina and I were really meant to
be, or if what I had to say to Katerina would scare her away. I was sure
that what I had to say to Katerina would not scare her away, but I knew
that if what I had to say to Katerina did scare her away, we would never
be ready to be together, so I had nothing to worry about, either way.
The action of providing the key to Katerina's awakening was important. However, the result would be as the result would be, and I need not concern myself either way. If reading my books about the true nature of existence was too much for Katerina to handle, then living true nature of existence certainly would be too much for Katerina to handle.
I reflected that I would like to receive some confirmation of the value of my books on my return.
God asked, "Is my confirmation that your books are worthwhile not good enough? Do you need confirmation from the earth plane?"
I replied, "Sometimes."
"I understand. You are after all attached to the earth plane."
A little later during the trip I found myself focusing on incorrect issues. Issues of the earth plane for which I already had answers. I knew that focusing on incorrect issues was only experience, and I knew that I continued to experience the lower plane perspective. Nevertheless, I did not seem able to avoid focusing on incorrect issues.
|I had a one hour stop over in Brisbane, Katerina
was again very much on my mind. I was now looking forward to going home,
but I still had no reason to want to return home, other than my boys.
I was going 'home' even if my house did not feel like home. I found myself
questioning God if Katerina was really my soulmate.
God said, "Katerina is your soulmate."
I asked, "Well, why are things so difficult? Why is Katerina unawakened?"
"Your difficulties are a part of your challenge, your example.
"You think that you must miss people not being in your life, or you do not care for them. This is not so. To feel a void because someone is not in your life at any given time is negative, not positive. As usual you are viewing the experience in reverse. Do not forget the mirror effect of the earth plane. If someone is not in your life, that someone is not meant to be in your life, it is that simple. If someone is in your life, that someone is meant to be in your life.
"Can you tell me one positive thing that comes from such self pity because someone is not in your life? You have surely experienced self pity because someone is not in your life, enough in your lifetime to understand my point!
"You must release all negative things and allow yourself to focus on what is positive. You know that you must allow yourself to focus on what is positive. You have experienced allowing yourself to focus on what is positive. In so many experiences you do allow yourself to focus on what is positive, but occasionally you choose to experience what is negative again.
"Your experience has been necessary for you to truly understand the depth of your feelings for Katerina, and also for you to understand and be aware that Katerina is not ready to rejoin with you at this point. Katerina will be ready to rejoin with you, but this is of no importance now. Now you must focus on the task at hand. You will know what is required of you, in respect of your soulmate.
"Focus on the positive issue that you have made the connection with your soulmate. You have removed the doubt. You have experienced the joy. Your souls are very much connected now. You know this. The spirit plane contact between Katerina and yourself is very clear. The spirit plane contact between Katerina and yourself will allow for this period of solitude. It will not always be easy for Katerina, but Katerina will have you to draw on, and Katerina will draw on your experience."
I knew that I needed to communicate with God more often.
"You must discontinue blocking communication between us. You believe that you must handle every situation alone from the earth plane perspective, but this is not so. You must allow the communication channels between us to be open at all times.
"Many of the difficulties which you face, are created because you expect to face difficulties. Neither expect difficulties nor be surprised by difficulties. Allow all to occur as it will. When you choose, you understand clearly, but there is much that you choose to block and you ask; 'why?'. Many times you choose to do something in the way that gives you the greatest depth of experience, instead of the way that is the easiest path. Do not despair, because your experience is necessary for you to be the example.
"It is time to maintain the contact with your three planes, and allow what is to be. Do not be concerned. Do not be impatient. Remain focused on what is real and have no concern for what is otherwise."
I considered all of the times, and there were many, that I had heard Katerina's voice. I knew that Katerina's voice was not a memory. I was really hearing Katerina's spirit talking.
I reflected my role. I knew that regardless of what had transpired I was an ordinary man. I was not different from any other soul, and all souls can allow themselves to become aware, if they chose.
Nancy met me at the airport. Nancy commented that she now understood that much awakening needed to be done in solitude. Nancy had experienced much while I was away, and possibly the most significant of Nancy's experiences was that Nancy had consulted Sue, the spiritual reader.
Sue had confirmed everything that I had foreseen for Nancy. Almost word for word. Sue had also mentioned me by name, and confirmed that our relationship had fulfilled its purpose, and that our ongoing involvement was as friends, and our spiritual connection in the spiritual work which I had been asked to do.
I had received the confirmation which I had asked God to provide on the earth plane just a few hours earlier. As Nancy relayed her consultation with Sue to me, I also received the answer to my question about why I continued to lose my perspective.
|Sue had told Nancy that Nancy needed to help
a friend, Brian. Sue had told Nancy about a spirit called George who was
around Brian and having a negative effect. Nancy was told to surround
me with white light to protect me. I had the explanation which I sought.
I knew that now I was aware of what was happening, I would be able to
block the effect of George's presence.
Throughout our discussion and throughout the day, there was a very strong presence around us. The spirit was very powerful. I knew that I knew the spirit, but I did not recognise her at first. I also knew that I should recognise George and I knew who George was. I knew my connection with George was something to do with a past lifetime, but I did not recall which lifetime.
God said, "You do know who George is and why George is affecting you."
Several times during that day, I felt the negativity of George around me but being aware of George's presence, I pushed George away easily, and I maintained my peace.
I slept a long deep sleep that day. When I awoke that night I was surrounded by spirits. Many seemed to be talking to me at once. I said, "Enough." I could not deal with all of the spirits at once.
Later that night I knew that the spirit who had been with us when Nancy and I were talking had been Natasha.
Natasha said, "I will protect you."
I knew that Natasha was talking about George.
|I was unsure of what was going to occur, but
I knew that it would be an interesting night. I was surrounded by spirits,
and now that I was aware of George I was able to counter George's affect
on me relatively easily.
I knew that George was around me for a reason, and I knew that I had been unaware of George's presence for a reason. George had been the one forcing me back onto the earth plane, and forcing my battle which was integral to the example that was my journey.
It was now time for me to become aware of George's presence, so that I could control the effect which George was having on me, and fully move into my spiritual role.
I knew that I would use my time away from Katerina to focus on my spiritual nature. I knew there were many more answers which I would receive in respect of the reality of our existence.
That night, I typed the letter I had written to Katerina. I felt very close to Katerina. I believed that Katerina would awaken spiritually during our time apart, and I hoped that Katerina would become aware of her need to awaken.
The following morning, I asked the obvious question, "If I chose to continue to return to the earth plane perspective, why was this George necessary?"
God replied, "You chose to return to the earth plane perspective by blocking your awareness of George. This allowed George to push you back unhindered. The presence of George was also blocked from those who have communicated with the spirit plane on your behalf, because it was important that you did not become aware of George, until it was time for you to become aware of George."
"So George's role in pushing me back was necessary?"
"George's role was very necessary. You could not have continued to lose your spiritual perspective without George's assistance. For a long time you could not understand why you kept losing your perspective, because you knew that losing your perspective should not occur. It was also necessary that you did continue to lose your spiritual perspective.
"Many events have been experienced by yourself, simply to allow yourself to experience the events."
|I understood this and I understood why George
had been necessary. George was continuing to provide, or at least attempting
to provide 'assistance'.
"Yes, you need to experience thwarting George. Others must see that there are those on the spirit plane who will attempt to block the awareness of those on the earth plane. Mostly such spirits will be unenlightened and unaware acting only in a karmic perspective. Usually they will be spirits who perceive they were wronged on the earth plane, in one form or another."
I did not know it at the time, and I did not realise the significance of this explanation until my final review, but there was a very specific reason why I needed to experience convincing George to move on.
I was to encounter this scenario again, and when I did I would draw on these experiences of a spirit holding me back, to convince a spirit who was holding another back to move on.
It was also apparent during my final review that my experiences of assisting a spirit 'trapped' on the spirit plane to move on, were a part of my preparation within my controlled environment.
"So I once caused this George some harm?"
"No, but you did once share an experience with George, in which you were the aggressor. You now share another experience, or a series of experiences. The timing of which conveniently applies to your example."
|"A series of experiences?"
"Yes, with George's help you experienced returning to your earth plane perspective, and also that those on the spirit plane can work against you. You have also experienced that those on the spirit plane do not really work against you, but in cooperation with you. For you to experience what you have chosen, you initially needed to be unaware of George's presence. You also needed to experience protecting yourself against such spirits, and to do so you needed to become aware of George's presence.
"To protect yourself, surround yourself with the white light of protection, whenever you feel George start to push your perspective back."
"Explain white light."
"As you are aware, all colours reflect certain aspects of awareness. The combination of all colours produces the colour white. I am light. White light is God. You know this.
"Many spiritual souls call on white light for protection, unaware that they are in fact calling upon me for protection."
I read some notes which Nancy had written whilst I was away. After reading Nancy's notes, I had a message for her.
I felt George attempting to push me back. I closed my eyes, and surrounded myself with white light.
George said, "You cannot block me."
I replied, "Your role is over now George, go away."
|After my brief encounter with George, I had
another message for Nancy.
I returned to bed, but I did not sleep. I spent the night alternating between discussing various issues with God, and battling George. In between there was an occasional brief contact with Katerina's spirit.
Later that morning, my soul went away seeking information about something or other.
It proved to be a very difficult day. I battled my perspective all day and I missed Katerina. I obtained some crystals, mainly to help protect myself against the continuing efforts of George. I also secured a number of crystals to assist Katerina with her awakening process, and I assisted Nancy in selecting crystals to assist her balance.
My battles became more difficult as the day wore on, many of my old illusionary physical problems raised themselves. I became very tired, and I finally allowed myself to sleep.
That night, my battle with George continued, but I felt that I was slowly gaining the upper hand. I also had some discussions with Katerina's spirit. As I drove home, Katerina's spirit sat in the car with me, and Katerina's spirit gave me moral support in my battle with George for my spiritual perspective.
Katerina's spiritual power and awareness was very strong, but Katerina's spirit confirmed that Katerina was consciously unaware.
|The following morning, I awoke at a reasonable
hour. It had not been an easy night because my battle with George had
continued. I felt like I was on the edge of my spiritual perspective.
My little battle with George continued into the morning. Always on the edge of my spiritual perspective. Spiritually, Katerina continued to be with me. Physically Katerina and I were not meant to be together at that time, if Katerina and I were meant to be together at that time, we would have been together. Strangely, I felt that Katerina and I were supposed to be together.
I had no conscious idea of what to do next, so I did what I had learned to do, nothing. I felt that I should spend much of my time meditating quietly, and that I should allow everything to develop around me. However, there were some issues which concerned me.
God simply said, "Everything is as everything is meant to be."
It was late morning, I remained unable to focus on anything that I needed to do. For the most part I sat quietly, although I did talk with some friends which helped me to put what had occurred into perspective. I did accept that Katerina and I would be together if we were meant to be together. Spiritually Katerina and I were very close.
I felt that there was something which was going to happen very soon, and all that I could do was allow whatever was going to happen to occur.
I showered but instead of getting ready to go about my business, I meditated in the bath for some time. I seemed to be searching for an illusive answer, and I maintained my position on the edge of spirituality.
|By late that afternoon, I was losing my current
battle with George, and I could not understand why George could continue
to push me down. I did not know what I was doing wrong. I received letters
from two of the prisoners to whom I wrote, coincidentally reminding me
that there were many people worse off than me, but this did not help.
I got worse and I continued to descend to a point where I was overwhelmed
with despair, and still sinking.
It was as if I did not want to pick myself up, but interestingly I did not stop writing. I could not understand why I continued to descend into and beyond despair, despite all that I was aware of, and all that I had experienced. That I would continue to descend into and beyond despair did not make any sense, George notwithstanding.
I knew it had only been a year since my recorded journey started, but it had been an extremely intense year. The following day, I would return to the business, and once again I had to ask "why?".
Nothing changed. Nothing ever changed.
Of course, that nothing changed was not quite correct, even if nothing changed was how I felt. A great many things had changed, but the 'great many things' had changed from within my old world, and my links to my old world remained through necessity.
As my awareness grew, I would understand the reasons why I had maintained my links to my old world, and as I understood why I maintained my links to my old world, I would release the links to my old world.
All that I desired was to do God's work and to help people. If possible I would like be with Katerina.
|I realised that Katerina and I were very similar
in what we wanted from life, and I recalled that Katerina felt that she
did not belong in this world. I was beginning to see and feel that I did
not belong on this plane. However, I knew that Katerina and I should not
be together at this time, if for no other reason then because what I was
enduring was far too intense.
The following day, I would return to pretending. I would return to somewhere that I did not fit in, and did not belong. I wanted my need for my old world to end, but I did not know how to end my need for my old world.
It is very difficult to describe what I was enduring. I had a reasonable home and a well paid job. I had no pressure on me other than some financial issues. However, I did not belong, and I did not seem fit into the earth plane at all.
I was trapped between two planes. I could neither move one way or the other. It did not matter how hard I tried to free myself, I was caught in this no man's land between two planes, and I did not seem to be able to become free of either.
I knew that feeling trapped between planes did not make sense. I knew that I was experiencing being trapped between planes for a reason, but I was experiencing being trapped between planes nevertheless. I needed to endure, and I would endure.
I thought; 'This is crazy. Who would choose to follow my path? Who would endure what I have endured, by conscious choice?'
|I wondered why I needed to reach the point
of despair again, and I wondered when my difficulties would end. I could
not accept that I would be able to keep following my path, something had
I reflected upon the previous teachers. I knew there was not really any day to day account of their lives before they became teachers. I knew from my time with the previous teachers that much of what they had endured, was similar to what I now endured. I knew that the previous teachers had also endured a tremendous conflict within themselves, but in respect of their teachings that had survived, the conflict within, and the 'human' nature of the conflict within, had been glossed over.
I found it fascinating that, throughout my difficulties I had at no stage discontinued my writing. Writing was something which I could not stop doing, and I suspected that my need to write was in some way a symptom of being trapped between two planes.
The message which I had been asked to deliver, or I had chosen to deliver was clear, but personally I was riddled with conflict and misleading information, creating a contradiction which I could not explain.
I suspected that my inner conflict was simply the experience of a teacher and I suspected that a clear account of the conflict and the loss of perspective was necessary, as a part of my example. Perhaps this time, the conflict would not be glossed over and perhaps, this was precisely the point.
As I reached this point during my final review, God said, "That an inner conflict is a natural progression of a spiritual path, is precisely the point."
|I knew that there were some who suspected that
I was bordering on the edge of insanity and I wondered, not for the first
time, if they were right. I wondered if everything that I had experienced,
was no more than the delusion of an insignificant man, attempting to justify
the reason for his existence.
I had to ask myself that if everything that I had experienced, was no more than a delusion, why did so much of what I had been told directly, in respect of the purpose of our reason for being, fit so well within the teachings of masters which I had been led to, after receiving the knowledge directly?
If my experiences were real, and it was obvious that I was being given pieces of information from a wide range of writings or beliefs, and putting the pieces together, why did nothing change? Why did I remain trapped between two worlds, and why did I continue to despair because I did not belong on any plane?
Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last time, I saw my task as being too much for me. I did not know which way to turn, or what to turn to. I wanted out, I wanted to get into my car and drive away leaving everything behind me. I wanted to find peace, but I knew I would not find peace anywhere, but within myself.
I wondered why each of my books ended on a positive note with me at peace only to have the process, in principle anyway, start over again.
All of my nerves were on edge, it felt like my nerves were raw and exposed, even to the air. Perhaps my nerves were raw and exposed. This rawness of my nerves was something which I had experienced on a number of occasions previously, and something which I had not expected to experience again. At this point in time I did not understand exactly what was occurring each time that I experienced my nerves being on edge.
|I found it significant that all I was now writing
about was despair. I suspected that my desperation was not really coming
from me. I was certainly experiencing despair, and I was certainly feeling
despair very deeply, but I was not writing about what I was feeling. My
pen was absolutely flying across the page and I could not write quickly
enough. There was no question that what I was now writing was only being
written through me, which was true of most of what I had written. This
time however the experience of my esoteric writing was very powerful,
and as a result I found my whole journey, to be a contradiction.
I wondered how I would be able to keep enduring my recurring battles without being destroyed myself. I knew that this very statement was a nonsense, but my words appeared on the paper anyway.
I had been cruising, and I had remained on the spiritual edge, until I had decided to go within to release myself from the spiritual edge. Instead of releasing myself from the spiritual edge, I had returned with this battle within myself, and with George.
All around me, there were earth plane problems which needed my attention. I had not even unpacked properly after moving into the house in which I now lived, but I could not address any of the earth plane issues, which seemed to surround me.
I knew that there was something very significant about this tremendous battle which was now raging within me, and transferring itself to paper. I knew the battle which was now raging within me was not my final battle, because I had already endured my final battle two months previously, or so I believed. In reality, I had no idea what my final battle would involve, or when I would face my final battle.
I could not understand why I questioned everything that occurred. I suspected that in time I would receive another contrite explanation, but I could not accept at that very moment, that I would find a contrite and convenient explanation, either acceptable or believable.
|My hand continued to race across the paper
despite my efforts to slow my hand down. I could hardly read my writing
as I wrote, because my writing was so bad, but I nevertheless continued
writing. I was somehow possessed, consumed by the battle within myself.
My battle was manifesting itself physically with incredible intensity, and there was nothing that I seemed to be able to do to stop the intensity of the battle. I was waiting for my body to explode, such was the intensity with which the nerves in my body vibrated.
As I completed my final review I found myself staring at the last sentence of the previous paragraph. I had known exactly what was occurring, although at the time I was completely unaware that I knew what was happening.
I was given a few minutes respite, and I walked in circles. Every nerve in my body tingling. If this was part of the process one had to go through to become a master, who would consciously choose to become a master.
The battle within me was dissipating, and suddenly the battle within me seemed to be over. I was absolutely exhausted. I had a feeling that what I had endured, was the physical manifestation of a spiritual battle, perhaps with George.
I felt that I would find an answer within my notes. I had reviewed less than one page, when I found the answer which I sought. However, what I found was only a small part of what I was experiencing, and in reality, no more than the underlying reason for the battle within myself.
|I knew that my focus was wrong. I realised
that I was too focused on what would happen in my life, and that I needed
to allow everything to be as everything was. I was able to allow everything
to be as everything was to a point, but sooner or later I would return
to the issue what was going to happen in my life.
I reflected on that afternoon's battle. I realised that on this occasion and indeed every occasion when I had endured an intense physical and emotional difficulty, I had in reality experienced the symptoms of a spiritual battle, and the experience was not really physical at all.
Much of the reason for the timing of my latest battle was so that I would finally understand the nature of what I was experiencing, and had experienced previously without understanding. However, I only understood the symptoms. I understood that my physical experiences were the symptoms of a spiritual battle, but I did not really understand exactly what the physical result of my spiritual battle was.
When we reach a point where all of our nerves seem raw, exposed and ready to explode, we are experiencing the physical symptoms of a spiritual battle which we are unaware of. The spiritual battle is so intense that if we were aware of exactly what was happening, we would be overwhelmed.
After I had allowed myself to understand the nature of what I experienced, my soul left me again and I became very distant. I was glad that Katerina had not been with me to witness what I had experienced. I felt that Katerina was not ready for the intensity of my experiences.
Despite my difficulties, I had arranged to drive Nancy home after an appointment which I did, and then I slept until dinner was ready, I was exhausted. When I awoke I remained very withdrawn. As I drove home that evening, I suddenly realised that it was time to remove some of the pressure which I was placing upon myself, and how I could remove some of the pressure which I was placing upon myself.
|Interestingly, my whole body was tingling as
if I was experiencing a metamorphosis. I decided to allow my thoughts
wander. Mostly my thoughts went into the future, but occasionally my thoughts
went into the past. I realised that I had lost sight of now. Despite all
that I had experienced or perhaps because of all that I had experienced,
I was struggling with now.
I needed to come to terms with now. I did not like now. I found now confusing and intense. I sought relief in the future, becoming frustrated when the future did not become now. I had drawn from the experience of my existence, and I had faith in the future, but I had been overlooking now.
As I reflected on the point that I was overlooking now, I saw two things clearly. One was the number of times since I had returned from my trip, that I had been given a message that I was overlooking now. The other was that my most peaceful and content moments of the previous year, since the intensity of my awakening had begun, were the moments when I lived only in now.
|I understood that even if we are very aware
of our existence, the purpose for our being, and of what we are, our awareness
is not enough. The reason we, any of us, are on the earth plane, whether
we belong on the earth plane or not, is to experience now.
Every moment is now, now can be a joyful or a difficult experience, but now is now.
We must fully experience now, because unless we experience now, we will re-experience the events of now, and we will keep re-experiencing the events of now, until we have experienced now.
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