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Searching for My Soul
Book One Searching for My Soul


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On my way home from the cruise, I became lonely. I started thinking about what may or may not happen during the following week. I was worrying about what people thought and wondering how what I had experienced could be happening to me. My conscious mind was using all of its old, proven weapons.

My conscious mind was fighting a hard rearguard action. This was the battle that would win the war with my conscious mind and allow me to cross the bridge to my soul. As soon as I understood what was happening, my soul joined the battle and I won round two on points.

I understood that I needed to find my own way to the higher plane so that I could show others the way. At this point I did not understand exactly what I meant.

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Karmic debt is circular. Karmic debts are incurred and paid back time and time again over many lifetimes until the circle is complete. Only by completing the circle is the karmic debt totally repaid.

Jane telephoned, the shop which she had been interested in had been sold. Jane said that she would have been frustrated previously, but because of what I had told her, she knew that she had not been meant to have the shop.

I could see with increasing clarity, how the second part of my life would develop. The key was to release my conscious mind and to allow my soul to ‘talk’. My soul would let people know what they needed to know. If I attempted to think about the message that I was required to deliver, I would get the message wrong. Like my life, my soul needed to flow.

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As I reflected on what I had discovered the previous day, I knew that it was neither accident nor coincidence that souls with whom I had unresolved issues were in my life at this time. It was not that I had unresolved issues with everybody who was in my life, but those souls with whom I had unresolved issues were in my life.

With the exception of Rose, all of those souls had come into my life after the ‘turning point’ seven years earlier when I had nearly ended my life. If I had ended my life, the issues would not have been resolved in this lifetime. I knew that because I had always experienced short lifetimes, I had not been given the opportunity to address the unresolved issues or to fulfil my destiny, until this lifetime.

Anne was in her first reincarnation since our previous lifetime together, and Bill was also in his first reincarnation since he had killed me in world war one.

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It was becoming clearer that this was the lifetime in which I was meant to fulfil my destiny. I reflected on the turning point in my existence. Seven years earlier I had begun recording my thoughts and observations as a journal. To my own thoughts and observations I added quotes, passages from books, anything that touched my soul. At the time I had no idea why I was keeping a journal. It was something that I needed to do.

It was only now that I truly saw the significance of the journal I had maintained for seven years. I had discontinued my journal after I commenced writing my notes for this book, but at the time I had not understand the significance of discontinuing my journal either.

I recalled that Bill had always been intimidated by me. I had assumed that it was because I could see his true character, but seeing his true character was only part of the reason why Bill felt intimidated by me. Bill had subconsciously recognised my soul, and he felt that I would be looking to do him harm, which I never did. There was something about Bill which did not sit well with me, but mostly I had felt sorry for him and the circumstances of his life. I now understood why it was so important that I had felt compassion for Bill, and why he always seemed convinced that I was conspiring against him.

I needed to stop thinking from the perspective of my old world. I needed to remember that I was completing my lifetime as the Native American. The lifetime where my soulmate and I had been together.

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We do not need to seek souls from previous lifetimes, they do not belong in this lifetime unless there is an unresolved matter or a karmic debt to be repaid. If there is an unresolved matter or a karmic debt to be repaid, we will be drawn together and given an opportunity to complete the circle. Whether or not the circle is completed is our decision, but if the circle is not completed, we will be drawn together again and again with a bigger circle to complete each time that we are drawn together.

My conscious mind was attempting to use my old values against me. It was trying to tell me that none of what I was experiencing would be real until my books were published, and it was telling me that my books would not be published.

Round three of my battle with my conscious mind had started. I had recognised it early in the round. I had not recognised the first two rounds of my battle with my conscious mind until I had rallied near the end of each round. Round three of my battle continued all of that day and into the night. My conscious mind continually used the ‘How can this be real?’ scenario against me.

I knew that my experiences were real. I knew that they had occurred and I never let go of this fact. I eventually won round three of my battle, again on points. Knowing where the fight was being fought had not really made the contest any easier.

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It was my son James’ birthday. I spent the day with him. I spoke with Rose at some length about what I was experiencing, which aided me in my on-going battle.

Discussing my experiences with Rose was also assisting in my transition from Rose’s partner to her earth guide. That day we came full circle, we became friends again. I did not understand that the circle was not broken, or that it would turn once again.

I could see my task clearer all the time. I needed to put the puzzle back together. I found the prospect awesome, but I did not have the slightest concept of exactly what putting the puzzle back together meant. Before my journey was complete the puzzle would not only exceed my expectations, but it would also exceed my imagination.

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The next day, round four of my battle with my conscious mind started. It focused on my illusions.

I took another step across the bridge to my soul. I found past life emotions and thoughts.

We leave both strong emotions and our final thought from each lifetime on the bridge to our soul. We are only able to remove them from the bridge to our soul when we address them. We are usually given a chance to do so in the very next lifetime, but sometimes we will not have an opportunity for several lifetimes.

Sometimes our final thought from a lifetime is positive and other times it is negative. Sometimes we need to act on the final thought from our lifetime and bring the matter to conclusion, other times we are given an opportunity to rectify our final thought. It depends on whether our final thought is positive or negative.

I discovered that Anne and I had not been strangers when she/he had raped me in my lifetime as a woman.

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I discovered that Anne and I had not been strangers when she/he had raped me in my lifetime as a woman.

I had loved him and had wanted to make love to him, but instead of being patient he had raped me and I had been terrified.

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These were the emotions that I had left on the bridge to my soul between lifetimes. I had cursed because the simultaneous experience of love and terror only happened to women. Why did he destroy my life?

When I had been a soldier, I had cursed having to fight and I wanted the opportunity to revenge my own death. I had been provided with an opportunity to act on my final thought now, three lifetimes after my lifetime as a soldier, but I had not acted.

When I had been the stable boy, I had left the world promising myself that I would love Marie forever.

I wondered what else I would find on the bridge to my soul. I knew that it would not matter. I knew that I could only take one step at a time.

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Every soul is a nucleus of the souls who are bonded to it. We are bonded to a number of souls, as the nucleus. They in turn are also bonded to a number of souls as a nucleus. We may both be bonded to another soul, or we and our bonded soul may be the only link between the two soul groups. Each soul we are bonded to is the nucleus of their own soul group and each soul they are bonded to is in turn the nucleus of their own soul group.

It is through this process of linked soul groups that all souls are ultimately attached to each other. The thread or bond which holds all souls together is God. This is how God is present within all souls. God is the thread that ultimately links all souls together.

When souls split, the other half of our soul is attached to our bonded souls’ other halves.

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I often reached a point where I became very tired, suddenly and for no physical reason. I would lay down and sleep for an hour or half an hour and when I awoke, I would have insights, knowledge or understanding. I had now reached a point where I knew when I needed to travel to the spirit plane to learn something. I would close my conscious mind down and allow myself to travel to the spirit plane.

When we travel to the astral or spirit plane, we communicate not only with spirit guides, but also with other souls who are travelling within the spirit plane. How many times have we woken up in the morning thinking about somebody we have not seen for some time? How many times have we woken and thought that we must telephone a person that day, and when we telephone them, it turns out that they were thinking about us as well? How many times has this sort of contact occurred, and it has turned out that one of us had a problem that the other could help with? Our souls communicate with each other on the spirit plane and then direct our conscious minds to contact each other.

This is how my soulmate and I had begun to reconnect, after we had recognised each other.

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I understood that as people became more aware they would re-read the insights that I had been given to pass on. Each time that they read the insights, they would receive a little more, or a different perspective, as their souls became aware and they took each step on their journey.

When we allow the love to radiate from us, all negative emotions disappear. What we once saw as loss, we now see as gain. What once saddened us, now gladdens our heart. The transformation is astounding.

As the negative emotions disappear, our positive emotions grow. Our emotions become stronger than our emotions ever were, but our emotions are all positive, which is necessary for us to enter the other side of the bridge to our soul. There is no sadness on the other side of the bridge to our soul, only happiness and love. This is part of the wonder of the higher plane.

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I understood why I had woken so many mornings thinking of Marie. Our souls had remained in contact even though we were not aware of the contact between them. We had been keeping an eye on each other, and making sure each other was okay. Our bond was strong and would remain strong, even though our paths were in different directions.

Soul groups are dynamic. New souls join our group and old souls leave our group as they move to the higher plane. The number of souls that each of us is bonded to changes constantly.

I did not know how many souls I was bonded to. I easily identified 25 positively. Some were in my life, some had been in my life, some were on the spirit plane and some I had encountered, but never met in this lifetime. I was starting to see which souls were also bonded to each other, it was fascinating.

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All that day, my conscious mind attempted to re-establish my illusions, but each time I corrected my thought immediately. Round four was a decisive points victory.

I had conceived so very little of the truth which was now being revealed to me, and yet when the truth was revealed, it made sense and fitted together very neatly and very logically.

Round five of my battle with my conscious mind began while I was still suffering the effects of round four. I was immediately hit with the old familiar blow; ‘Why would this be happening to you?’ I began to worry about something that I was not doing, when I should have been enjoying what I was doing. It seemed that the best way to fight my conscious mind was to ignore the issue and carry on with what I was doing.

Other than my battle for control with my conscious mind, it was unusual for my conscious mind to be involved in my life any more. Usually, I flowed with whatever I felt and I forgot my conscious mind entirely. I did not need my conscious mind, which was precisely why the battle with my conscious mind was raging.

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That night I again travelled on the spirit plane. Anne contacted me. It was an extremely powerful contact. She wanted to know if everything was going to be all right in her life. I told her that everything would be all right, and then she hugged and kissed me with surprising intensity.

The intensity of my spirit plane contact with Anne was too powerful for me. I broke our spirit plane contact. Even after I had broken our spirit plane contact, I could still feel Anne’s spirit enveloping me. My lips and mouth were still tingling from the power of her kiss, and I could still feel the pressure on my back where she had held me.

Once again, I had experienced something that had been explained to me and any doubt that soul contact was real was removed. The soul contact that I experienced with Anne had been so intense that I could not forget it if I wanted to.

I understood that Anne’s first opportunity to move onto the light path had been provided in her previous lifetime. She had not taken the opportunity because she had not been destined to take the opportunity in her previous lifetime.

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At this time I did not really understand the exact nature of the dark path, or any of the three paths.

I realised that I had experienced powerful soul contact throughout my life. I had put the soul contact down to a particularly strong dream, without really knowing what I had experienced, without remembering the ‘dream’, and without having the slightest concept of what had really happened.

As I reflected further, I understood that it had been through soul contact that I had communicated with others from opposite sides of the world, and we knew to physically contact each other when one of us had a problem.

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The thread of God which had held the truth together, is the same thread that binds all souls together. The thread of God is within all of us, and by extension, so is the truth. We only need to look inside of ourselves to remember the truth.

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After I had broken my spirit plane contact with Anne, I returned to the spirit plane to learn something important. I could not go to the spirit plane at will, but I did know when I needed to go to the spirit plane. I was living with my soul, instead of my conscious mind.

I was continually being drawn back to my previous lifetime with Anne. Each time another piece of information, often relating to Anne would be given to me. Our powerful soul contact confirmed that there was something happening, or about to happen in her life. I was being prepared to provide whatever guidance was required.

I had been drawn to tell different people, different aspects of what I was experiencing. I had told people of my experiences to assist me to maintain my acceptance of the reality of what I was experiencing. Firstly by talking about what I was experiencing, and secondly by reconfirming what I was experiencing whenever I needed a little moral support.

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The fifth round of my battle with my conscious mind finished quickly because I had refused to fight the battle on my conscious mind’s terms. I had fought the fifth round of my battle within my soul. I had won the fifth round by a knockdown.

My conscious mind was back on its feet, if a little unsteady, and commenced the sixth round with the usual ‘this cannot be happening’ tactic.

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Every belief, based on every piece of the puzzle has adopted props, tools, ceremonies and symbols to give the conscious mind something to focus on, and to create mystery. Props, tools, ceremonies and symbols are not necessary. We all have the ability, not only to contact our own soul, but also other souls and our spirit guides.

Our ability is a part of us. It is our conscious mind which prevents us using it. The conscious mind is a part of the body, not a part of the soul, and like our body, our conscious mind has a predetermined ‘use-by’ date.

It was time to cross onto the spirit plane. This concerned me because I had commitments that day and I could only spare half an hour. All that I could do was cross to the spirit plane, and trust that I would return in time.

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A young boy, in his early teens, lay beside a camp fire, dying. His people were around him. The young boy was a South American Indian. The young boy was dying because he had failed an initiation test to become a man. There was an old man beside him. The old man told the young boy that he had failed because he had taken the test too soon. The young boy had not been ready. The old man told him not to worry, because the young boy would need to face another test, and when it was time to take that test, the old man would ensure that he was ready. The old man had made this promise to the dying boy.

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It was the lifetime immediately after my lifetime as the Native American. I had again died young. I recognised the old man, he was Graeme.

Graeme had blamed himself for allowing me to take the test before I was ready. He was now making sure that I was ready for the test which I had been enduring, Graeme was repaying his karmic debt. We had come full circle.

I was not surprised that destiny had brought Graeme and I together in this lifetime. I wondered who else I would find in a previous lifetime, and what reasons I would discover for them being in my lifetime now.

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I recalled some of the events of the previous few days. Two nights earlier, Rose had mentioned that after our marriage had ended, my father had visited her a number of times to let her know that everything would be all right. She had not told me this previously. As she told me of these past events, my father confirmed that he had visited Rose, which did not surprise me.

The previous day Joe had telephoned to tell me how successful his business trip had been. He relayed a further demonstration which emphasised the message that I had given him. Everything happened for a reason.

While Joe had been away, someone had attempted to break in to his apartment. When he had first moved into his apartment, he had removed the window locks from every window except one, which he had not gotten around to removing. He did not know why.

It would be the only window which still had a lock that the would-be thief had selected to attempt to break in through. Even though the window was damaged, the thief had not been able to enter Joe’s apartment. At the time, it seemed to me that this was the point being made, but it was not. I was to find out a few days later that these events were only setting the scene.

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Later that same day, I had spoken with Jane. I asked her how she felt about not getting the shop. She said that it did not concern her because she remembered what I had passed on to her about not being meant to have the shop, and that she needed to trust fate. Jane said that without my message, she would have become frustrated and despondent when she did not get that particular shop.

Rose had telephoned me and brought me out of my regression as a South American Indian. The timing of her call had been perfect, giving me just enough time to get ready for work. It was similar to Sally’s call a few weeks earlier. Rose had felt compelled to telephone me, but she did not know why.

She told me about two incidents that had occurred since we had spoken two nights earlier. Rose wanted me to telephone her that night and talk about the incidents in detail. She was concerned that she was ‘jumping on the band wagon’ because of what I had told her.

I knew that Rose was not ‘jumping on the band wagon’. I had not told her enough detail about my experiences for her to ‘jump on the band wagon’. However, sometime during our discussion I had given Rose the key to her awareness. Neither of us knew what the key had been.

I had expected that it would have taken a lot longer for Rose to take a step into awareness, and her step had caught me by surprise. I was starting to fulfil my role as Rose’s earth guide.

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Through Joe and Jane I was fulfilling the teaching part of my destiny by providing guidance to those who sought guidance. Guidance did not mean that I would guide any on their journey. Guidance meant that I would guide one step at a time, as and when I was required to. I knew that sometimes I would only be required to guide people to a path when they reached a crossroad, and at other times I would accompany them on their journey for some distance. It did not matter what was required, as long as I was wherever I was directed to be, I would fulfil whatever role was required of me.

I knew that I would fulfil my role. I knew that my role would vary from person to person. However, I did not really understand what ‘my role’ meant.

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It was apparent that I was able to identify those who I was required to guide. I had learned that all I needed to do was be where I was directed to be, and fate would do the rest. All of these incidents were helping me to win my battle with my conscious mind, and to demonstrate that my destiny was real and that I was living my destiny. I won the sixth round of my battle with my conscious mind by a knock down. It had been another short round.

I did not know what I would have to face in the next round of my battle or even if there would be a next round. Nor did I know why Graeme’s past life connection to me had been revealed now. I did not know if I would visit any more past lifetimes and I did not know what I would find if I did visit more past lifetimes.

The pattern of my past lifetimes was clear, short, sharp lessons, over and over again, preparing me for my destiny. I had learned as a South American Indian not to attempt to face a test before I was ready, and that lesson had stayed with me until this lifetime.

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Round seven of my battle with my conscious mind had started. As usual my conscious mind led with the ‘this cannot be real’ tactic.

That day I spoke with Sally whose problems were increasing. She commented that we did not seem to be connected at that point in time. She was right. Sally had major problems and I was not there for her. I telephoned her most days to give her support, but we were not connected.

Of all the people in the world, the one person who I most wanted to help was Sally, but I knew that I was not meant to help her. This demonstrated to me that it was not necessarily the people who I wanted to help that I was required to help.

Rose telephoned again, she was a mess. Amanda had gone to her and Rose did not know what had happened. The door to her awareness had certainly opened, albeit temporarily.
Amanda had completed her task with my soulmate when recognition had taken place. Now Amanda was with her mother, where she was needed for a while.

I did not see it at the time. In fact, I did not see it until nearly a year after the event, but I was being shown that spirits moved from one person to another, fulfilling whatever role was required of them, before moving on.

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Rose relayed how she handled some incidents differently that day. It seemed that she had opened the door to her awareness wider than either of us had realised. I had not anticipated that she would open the door to her awareness so wide, so quickly. I did not think I was ready to guide somebody through their awakening.

I supposed that if I was being asked to guide Rose through her awakening, I must be ready, especially as I had not sought the experience. I was not sure what to do, so I decided to leave my course of action to fate and to my instinct. I need not have worried, her door to awareness was only opened for a short time. I knew that I would be better prepared when Rose, or anybody else re-opened their door to awareness.

I did know that everything in Sally’s life would work out, and that she would be happy. I told her this, which sounded a little hollow to me, but I did not have one doubt that I was right.

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Rose endures headaches periodically and has always experienced difficulty shifting them. I had suggested that her headaches may be caused by a past life memory, but she had discounted the suggestion. However, she did accept the possibility and later, while her door to awareness was open, her headache faded without medication.

Rose explained that she had only half-heartedly suggested to herself that her headache was an illusion. She had not really believed it so we were able to discount the possibility that she had ‘convinced’ herself that she did not have the headache.

Round seven of my battle with my conscious mind continued. My conscious mind was attempting to reinstate my illusions. I was then hit with impatience which I was able to block easily.

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That afternoon I had a business lunch. I again had too much alcohol to drink. When I returned home, I slept for a while. When I awoke I had sinus pain and my conscious mind told me that my sinus headache was caused by the wine, but my conscious mind pushed the point too hard. I eventually saw my sinus headache for what it was, an illusion which had gotten through when my guard was down.

I found the prospect of guiding Rose through her awakening awesome. I was daunted by the prospect of guiding her, but I realised that Amanda or another spirit guide would help, and I really had nothing to worry about.

I had not received a telephone call that I had expected to receive a few days earlier, but I knew that it did not matter. I knew that I was having my ability to flow constantly tested, until I really learned to flow regardless of what occurred.

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That night I continued to battle with my illusionary sinus pain. I knew that it was not real, but I did not seem to be able to accept what I knew. At the same time I was fighting the ‘my experiences cannot be real’ battle. My conscious mind had rallied, and I was on the ropes.

Earth guides like spirit guides change from time to time. I could now recognise several of my earth guides. In fact I could ‘track’ my earth guides since the turning point, seven years earlier.

Seven years earlier, my earth guide had been Claire. When she had fulfilled her role as my earth guide, my aunt Val adopted the role. After Val, the role was adopted by Rodney who had been my earth guide for many years. Then Val again became my earth guide for a while. She had passed the role to Sally, who had fulfilled her role and handed over to Graeme.

As I reflected on those who had been my earth guides, I could also see the various people for whom I had acted as earth guide during this same period.

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Rodney had been with me for about four years, and he remained in my life although not as my earth guide. Rodney’s story has been one which has always inspired me. Rodney had been married with children and a thriving business before his world had fallen apart.

His marriage ended and his business failed. He did not give up. He found a job and worked for several years to repay his creditors. Rodney had no legal obligation to repay his creditors, but he had a strong moral obligation to repay his creditors.

Eventually Rodney was able to start another business, and it was the very people who had enforced the collapse of his previous business, the same people whom he had paid back, who supported Rodney and helped him to get started again.

Rodney is now happily married and has another child with his second wife. His son from his first marriage is involved in his multi-million dollar insurance business. To me Rodney’s story has always been the classic demonstration of karma at work. He is an ordinary guy, who learned from his mistakes and did not give up.

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We are never without an earth guide, but our earth guides, like our spirit guides are constantly changing. One will enter our life, fulfil their purpose and then move on. Before they move on, another one will replace them, so there are periods when we have two guides as one slowly eases out of the role, and the other begins to pick up the running. In many ways it is like a relay, with two guides being on the track at the same time, while they pass the baton from one to another.

The ‘why me?’ issue continued to raise its head. I knew that it was only an issue within my conscious mind. I now understood that I had volunteered for this role, and I assumed that I had volunteered for this role after I had gained enlightenment as the Native American. As usual my assumption was incorrect.

Awareness builds on itself. We carry our level of awareness from one lifetime into the next lifetime. When we find the key to our awareness in each lifetime, we become aware at the same level as we left off in the previous lifetime. We build on our awareness and we add to the awareness we have recalled. The path to enlightenment is travelled over a number of lifetimes.

I may now have understood that awareness occurs over a number of lifetimes, but I certainly did not apply this knowledge to myself.

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I did finally win the seventh round of my battle with my conscious mind that night. I had been losing the seventh round, but I fought my way off the ropes with a knock out blow.

The bond which links bonded souls is sometimes passive and sometimes active. Sometimes we are able to block the bond with a clamp. An active bond is something like a tube of water flowing between two containers. If we clamp it tightly in the middle of the tube, the flow of water ceases. Even though the flow has been artificially terminated, the tube like the bond between souls still exists, and some water does seep through. The bond, however, is not broken.

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The following morning, I could see that I had been well on the way to regaining my awareness and enlightenment earlier in the year. I could see that many of my values were changing, even if I did not know exactly why they were changing. I could see that I had been on my way to becoming enlightened naturally.

However, my destiny was to teach and to teach I needed to re-learn. I needed to start from the beginning and re-learn everything in one lifetime. I needed to follow the process from start to finish, and from the perspective of the earth plane. It was the only way in which I could teach those who looked at life from the perspective of the earth plane. There was and there is no other way. I would take each step, one step at a time so that I would show others the way. I did not know what this meant.

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