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Searching for My Soul
Book One Searching for My Soul

With God's Help.

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I spent two quiet days relaxing and trying not to worry. I learned how easy it was to slip back to the standards of the artificial world. To avoid slipping back I needed to live by my own standards and not respond to someone else’s standards.

A few days earlier Trish had told Nancy that my vibration was so strong that it was affecting others. Apparently, the last time that I had visited Trish, which had been several months earlier, she had found my vibration so strong that I had totally drained her. I had not been aware of this, but I did know that my vibration was much stronger now, than my vibration had been then.

I began to understand how my vibration had touched both Rose and Nancy, although I understood very little about vibrational rates except that they exist. I had always had a strong vibration which seemed to be increasing daily. I did not know how or why vibrational rates worked. I did not know how to control the influence of my vibrational rate, or if I was meant to control it.

I did know that if there was anything that I needed to know, I would be led to it or it would be explained to me.

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I found myself becoming frustrated with the delays in the completion of my journey. I did not know what I was supposed to do next. The pain from my broken neck, created in my lifetime when my frustration had caused my death, was resurfacing as it always did when I became frustrated with delays.

Something totally unexpected, and unbelievable happened. God spoke to me for the first time to my conscious knowledge. I knew that God had spoken to me, but I found it very hard to believe. I questioned my sanity.

God said to me, “Relax my son, be patient you have been given a hard road to hoe.”

I asked “When will my journey be over?”

“Soon, relax, be patient.”

This was not enough for me, and I asked for details.

“That is all I have to say, now.”

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Later, I reflected on my arrogance at questioning God, but I sensed that God had smiled knowingly. I spent some time coming to terms with this latest development. When God had spoken to me I had not been in awe. That God spoke to me felt very natural, as if I was talking to a friend, which I was.

I spent the rest of that day and most of the following day relaxing, and patiently waiting for ‘soon’ to arrive.

I was trying too hard to relax and strangely I felt guilty about relaxing. I kept thinking of all of the things that I could be doing, but I was not drawn to do anything. When it was time to attend to something, I would be drawn to do it so I had nothing to worry about. I knew that I had nothing to worry about, but my knowledge did not prevent me from worrying anyway.

I was under no pressure from my business, except whatever pressure I placed upon myself. I did know that this period of rest was only going to last as long as I really needed to rest. I needed to take advantage of the opportunity while I could.

I became extremely restless. I wanted to do something, but I knew that there was nothing that I was supposed to do, except to relax. The right side of my body was tense with all my nerves on edge, but the left side of my body was relaxed. I did not have a clue why, all I knew was that I could not relax.

I began to doubt everything that I had experienced. I convinced myself that my experiences were all an illusion and that I was insane. I desperately wanted to reach out for help, but I did not know where to reach out to.

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I prayed for help, and one more time I found myself seriously considering suicide. I wanted my journey to end. I wanted my journey to be over, one way or another. A final test? I did not have a clue.

The following morning I again slept late, but it did not matter. I was mentally and emotionally numb.

God again spoke to me, “Relax my son, do not worry.”

I replied, “That is easy for you to say.”

“Yes, and it is easy for you to do, if you stop worrying.”

I sat and stared at the wall, incredulous, wondering if I had imagined that God had spoken to me. If I had not imagined that God had spoken to me, my attitude left a lot to be desired.

As I thought about my attitude, God again spoke, “I understand.”

God was silent for a short time before adding, “Relax, all will be well!”

I asked “What have the previous few days been about? What am I supposed to be doing?”

“A time of rest, do nothing.”

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Throughout this period that I had been given to rest, no matter how erratic and negative my thoughts had become, I had not actually been depressed.

God again spoke, “Of course not. You know the truth. All will be revealed when it is time.”

Being unable to help myself I asked, “When will it be time?”

“Things are happening around you.”

I recalled all of the times during the past weeks when I had been told that ‘everything would be all right and not to worry’. I thought; ‘it is about time that I listened’.

“Yes, it is.”

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I did know within my soul that everything would be all right, so I did not understand why I became so frustrated. I suspected that there was still ‘something’ that I needed to deal with.

Later that morning I had coffee with Joe. I realised that a part of my problem was that my soul seemed to be elsewhere. I had noticed it during the previous two days, but I had not understood what it was that I had noticed. My soul had returned on the two occasions when I had spoken with God, or more precisely when God had spoken with me.

Joe suggested that I was being given rest because something significant was going to happen and that whatever it was would happen suddenly. I suspected that he was right.

I visited Rose and my boys. Rose and I talked for a long time. As I was leaving, Rose received a message from one her spirit guides for me, ‘Something will happen that will bring you peace.’ We both felt the spirit’s presence strongly.

Later that night, when I crossed to the spirit plane, I found myself travelling between the past, present and future. I did not know why and I did not know what I needed to learn.

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The following morning my doubts were returning.

God spoke to me again saying, “The answer is now within you.”

I asked God to give me the strength to see this through.

“You have the strength.”

I asked “How will I know what to do?”

“You will know.”

Not content with God’s answer, I asked “When will I know?”

“When it is time.”

I began to wonder if my recent brief conversations with God had been nothing more than my imagination.

God again addressed my thoughts. “My son, you must trust.”

A little later God said, “Trust and be patient, my son.”

There were no flashes of lightening, no overpowering force, no burning bushes, just the calmness of a father talking to a troubled son.

 “I am trying hard to understand.”

 “I know my son, too hard. You must relax.”

Once more I found myself wondering about my sanity. God could not be talking to me.

 “You are sane, have faith, trust.”

I kept trying to leave the issue alone, but I continued to question. I was becoming concerned that I may be antagonising God.

God said, I am patient, I understand.”

I asked God to help me.

“I am helping you.”

Despite what was happening, or because of what was happening, I continued to worry about my sanity.

“You are sane, everything is as it should be. You have done well. You will continue to do well. It is destined, my will.”

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God is truly loving and kind, God has none of the fire and brimstone that some religions would have us believe. I asked God to take my difficulties and the remnants of my past, which were still flashing in my mind, away from me.

“I cannot. The issues must be resolved.”

I asked God to resolve the issues which were causing me difficulties.

 “It is not time.”

Later, I asked God to make my journey a little easier.

 “Everything is as it is meant to be.”

I continued questioning. God did not seem to mind my questions, and I wanted answers. I asked why my road was so hard.

“A hard road was necessary.”

 “I am trying.”

 “I know.”

I sat quietly and thought about all that God had said.

 “Be patient my son, all will be well.”

A little later God continued, “All doubt will be removed.”

I thought about how tiring that morning’s events had been.

“That is why you must rest”.

I was feeling a little lonely, so much had happened. I had told some people about some of my experiences, but I had no one to really share my experiences with.

“You have spent too much time alone, it was necessary and it is temporary. You know this.”

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My back had been sore when I awoke that morning. An old football injury from twenty years earlier, and it was intensifying. I could hardly move. I had done nothing to aggravate the injury. I could not understand why the injury was causing me problems at that time.

“So that you will rest.”

I telephoned my office and told them I would not attend that day, I knew that I needed rest. I sat quietly wondering what to do next.

“Do nothing.”

Later that day I was struggling with many issues.

“Your faith must be tested.”

I really wanted to do something, anything. Waiting patiently was too hard.

“Do nothing except rest and relax.”

I only knew one thing for sure, either God was speaking to me, or I was going insane.

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The next morning, I was once again wondering when my journey would be over.

Again God spoke, “Be patient, my son.”

I continued to worry about what was happening, and I continued to worry about what was not happening.

“Relax my son, do not worry”.

I would not leave the issue alone. I continued to wonder when my journey would be over.

“Be patient my son, I am with you”.

My back continued to cause me a great deal of pain and discomfort. I telephoned the office to tell them I would not be in again that day. Of course this concerned me.

“It is unimportant, forget it.”

I wondered how much longer I would need to balance on the tightrope between my old world and my new world.

“Be patient.”

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I spent the morning sitting in the sun, thinking about the latest developments of my journey. The only way to know for sure if what I was experiencing was real, was to see my journey through to the end. Everything would come together one way or the other, suddenly and quickly.

I considered going to the clairvoyant to see if I could obtain any more clarity from the spirit plane.

God said, “The spirits have done their job. Now, I am with you.”

I sat in the sun quietly meditating. I attempted to dispel my doubts, but I knew that they were an important part of my journey. I considered the progression of what I had experienced from the beginning of my journey up to this point. It made sense. Assuming that my experiences were real, their progression seemed logical.

I knew that my experiences could not be my imagination, because nothing had happened the way that I had, or the way that I could have, imagined. I could not have imagined a lot of what had happened. I wondered why God had not just come to me from the start and told me exactly what to do.

God said, “I cannot teach you, you must learn.”

I continued to meditate. I wondered how everything would turn out.

“Trust me.”

I wanted my journey to be over, but perhaps not as intensely as I had previously.

“Your journey will not be over. Your journey is your destiny, but circumstances will change and your journey will become easier.”

I again asked when.

“Soon.” God continued, “You know much more than you realise, but now it is time to rest.”

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I wondered if I should consult Graeme. I wondered if I should tell Graeme about the latest developments in my journey.

 “Graeme has done his job, and Sally has done her job. Joe is the one who needs you now. Help and guide him, but above all you must rest.”

I continued to worry about what was happening.

“Do not worry, I will guide you.”

I thought about what people would think, and whether this book would ever be published.

God addressed my concerns, “Those who are ready will draw strength from your experience. Your story will be published.”

I questioned the basis of my communication with God.

“I must communicate with you on your basis, or you will not understand me.”

I continued to wonder how what was happening could be real.

“What is happening is real, draw from your own experience.”

Sitting on my balcony in suburbia, talking with God still seemed incredulous to me.

“What is happening is real, why not?”

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I sat in the sun and I continued to mediate. I was thinking about my back pain and how it had suddenly appeared as if to keep me in solitude while God spoke to me.

“Yes, the timing is important.”

I naturally asked, “Why?”

“It was, and it is.”

Many of my difficulties at that time were caused by values from the artificial world, not necessarily my values, but those of others around me. The conflicting values were something that I had found extremely difficult to balance. I would somehow need to learn how to balance conflicting values.

Joe called in to see me that evening. As I explained some of what I was experiencing to him, he reminded me that I had told him a few days earlier that I was being told to rest and relax, but I did not know how I would be able to rest and relax. My back pain had manifested itself the morning after I had explained that I did not know how I would be able to rest and relax.

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The following day my back remained sore and tight. No treatment had worked. I was beginning to wonder when my back pain would go away.

God said, “When you are rested.”

I began to speculate about future events.

“Be patient.”

I was thankful for the enforced rest that I had been given. I knew that I needed rest. I did not have a thing to worry about. I was being taught patience, or more accurately an environment had been created so that I would learn patience. The common theme of everything around me was delays, but everything always ‘came together’ with just enough time for me to complete whatever it was that I needed to complete. I needed to learn, really learn patience. Everything in my life was the same, delay after delay, but no delay affected the final outcome. Patience was what I needed to learn.

I had everything that I needed and that was all that was important. Things would happen only when they were meant to happen and most of the delays that I experienced were only to teach me patience.

I was beginning to understand that what I had believed was my journey, was in fact only my preparation. I understood that I was still thinking of my preparation as the whole process. I wanted my journey to come to an end, when my journey was only beginning. I had quickly forgotten that God had told me that my journey would never be complete.

It was the change in my vibrational rate that had enabled me to talk with God. I had only been able to talk with God when my vibrational rate had reached a sufficient level. I did not know how our vibrational rate worked, but I did know that it is real.

God was right. I did have the answers within me. I only needed to find them. My thought in itself amazed me. Had I really thought that God would not be right?

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Later that morning, God said, “You may feel a little lonely now, but there will come a time when you will crave this solitude.”

I replied, “I understand.”

“You do not, but you will.” God continued, “All that you need to understand is that everything is as it is meant to be.”

I struggled for the remainder of the day and night. Doubts were with me. I was battling thoughts that were being placed in my conscious mind by my subconscious mind. I began to wonder what was the point of continuing either my journey, or my life. I questioned the reality of what I was experiencing.

I struggled with many issues, but deep down I knew that I was being given a test of faith. Time and time again during the previous few months I had reached a point of total peace. However, I found it impossible to sustain my peace. I was very frustrated. I went to bed determined to get back on track the following day.

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However, the next morning I continued to struggle with the reality of my experiences. I did not know what to do next. I would have one more day of rest because of my back. My main difficulty was my business. I needed to earn a living. I had commitments. However, I had been kept in virtual solitude for months.

I knew that my concerns did not really matter. Everything would come together when it was meant to. I had been a workaholic for most of my life, until I had been thrust onto this spiritual path.

Until my journey had commenced, I had never experienced even one day when I did not want to go to work. I had never been able to understand people who saw work as nothing more than a way to earn an income. Despite all the challenges and difficulties that I had experienced at work, I had nonetheless loved my work. I had loved the sense of achievement which my work had given me, and I had achieved a lot. My current circumstances did not sit well with me at all, despite all that I had learned.

I drew confirmation of my experiences from all that I had experienced. My experiences had happened, my non-existent sinus pain was proof that they had happened. The pain across my face which I had lived with for nearly twenty years was gone. What more proof did I need? I wondered if I would ever be satisfied.

I knew that I would be satisfied, but only when my life was firmly travelling in one direction and the ties to my old world were cut. It had been proven that I could not travel two paths at once, and yet I was being asked to remain balanced between my old world and my new world. All that I could do was have faith in God and continue to travel down the path that I was on, but I did not find the going easy.

For the most part, much of what I had written had been beyond my conscious knowledge when I had written it.

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That morning God again spoke, “You have much to learn. You need to learn about patience when things are not going your way.”

I replied, “But I have learned patience.”

“Have you? Then why do you become so frustrated?”

“Because things keep getting put in my head.”

“Who do you think is putting them there? You are!”

“Sometimes, when I am talking to others, I seem so wise.”

“By what standard? Wisdom, like all things is relative.” God continued, “The answer is within you, look inside.”

“Are you really God?”

“You know I am God. Do not worry, everything is as it should be.”

I continued to be concerned about my business. I was not comfortable with being unable to attend the office.

“I am providing for you.”

I said that I did not like the experience very much.

“You are not meant to like it, you are meant to learn.” God then said, “Easy teaches nothing! Go quietly and look deep. Consider your own experiences. Have I not always provided you with enough time to do what must be done? Have I not given you everything that you have needed, when you needed it? Have I not given you the resources to go, when I have sent you away?”

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I wondered if these conversations with God were nothing more than an illusion.

“If I had come to you as you suggested, before you had learned what you now know, you could not have accepted me. You doubt me even now with all your knowledge and all that you have experienced. Do not doubt.”

I sat quietly for a long time, meditating, looking inwards. I was trying to find the answers which I knew were within me, but I could not see. It was difficult not to doubt. I was becoming concerned that God was losing patience with me.

God said, “I am a kind and loving father. You know deep in your soul what is real.”

I did!

“Trust me and trust yourself. If your experiences were not real, you would not have sought this path. You would have sought business that you know. You could not have imagined the unknown. Why do you judge yourself when I do not judge you? You know the truth. You could not have imagined what would happen if you had wanted to. Everything has been and everything is for a reason, you know this, and you know what is important, when it is important, not when you want it to be important. If you know too much before you are ready, your judgement would be affected. Do not concern yourself with your questions, your ability to question is necessary.

“You have received many answers because you have questioned. Focus on what you have. Do not focus on what you have not. You know what you must do. You must learn to think in the real, the artificial is trapped in your subconscious, you must release the artificial.”

I still wondered how what I was experiencing could be real.

“Your experiences are real, because your experiences are real, and you know that your experiences are real.”

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Every time that God said that I knew something, I did in fact know that something, which I guess was a superfluous thought. I still doubted.

“You doubt because you must doubt, your doubt proves that your mind is stable.”

I thought; ‘many would disagree’.

“That is of no relevance. These last few months have been your wilderness, a wilderness from within, soon you will emerge from your wilderness. All teachers need time in the wilderness, time to cleanse the soul. Wilderness is relative to the circumstances of life. Much learning must be done in solitude.”

I wondered about the ease of my communication with God.

“My children cannot learn what they do not understand. All is possible, remove all of the limitations placed on your mind. You are a teacher, like many before you, and many, many more after you. Lighting the way so my children can come home. Do not doubt what you have learned.

“I can communicate because you have opened the bridge to your soul. I communicate from within because I am within you. You know that I am within you. Your understanding has once again exceeded that of your spirit guides, but you have much to relearn. You are the teacher who delivers the key to those who are ready to find the truth. You asked for this task when we spoke previously, in what you know as your lifetime as a Native American, but there is no point in giving a key to those who are not looking for the lock, you yourself said this. Your own wisdom far exceeds your present knowledge.

“My children cannot find their way home unless they find and cross the bridge to their soul. There is no other way, you know this, and you knew this. Finding the bridge to the soul is not easy, but all find the bridge to the soul, just as you did. You asked once to show them, and now you will show them, because they are ready to learn.

“Finding the bridge to the soul is a hard task. Finding the bridge to the soul is a difficult road. You needed to find the bridge to your soul again yourself, and tell your story so that others could follow. Only pure love can enter the higher plane, which will not be contaminated by anyone. You know the truth of your own experience. You know why you are here. You know what happened before. It is time to allow yourself to know what happened before again. It is time to go within and once more understand.”

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I looked deep within myself. I remembered the higher plane.

I remembered the breathtaking beauty, the oneness with all and the overwhelming sense of love. I remembered what I had experienced as a Native American boy.

I was twelve, I walked up into the mountains and I sat alone for three days and talked with God. An eagle circled me, protecting me from danger. The eagle did not rest for three days. I was talking in another tongue. A language which I could not distinguish, but I remembered the conversation. God had told me that many of his children had lost their way.

I had said, “I will show them the way.”

God had responded, “You will my son, but when it is time.

“Go back to your people now, and forget our conversation until it is time for you to remember. I will come to you again and tell you when it is time.”

As I walked back down the mountain, I forgot what had happened. When I returned to the village, no one asked where I had been for the previous three days.

I then looked into lifetime after lifetime from that point until this lifetime. I looked briefly at each lifetime and I could remember them all. People, places, feelings and suffering. My suffering, lifetime after lifetime. Persecution, loss and death. I understood how my lifetimes had all been necessary for my preparation.

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When I returned to today, the pain in my back was gone as suddenly as it had appeared.

God said, “Your memories will become clearer in time. It was not the island you needed to return to, it was the mountain. Be at peace now my son, as your memory returns, so will your understanding.”

A young Native American girl was waiting for me when I returned from the mountain. As I approached her, she smiled and kissed my cheek. The eagle then circled one last time and flew off.

I remembered much of my previous lifetimes. Many memories were as clear as my memories in this lifetime. I remembered what people in this lifetime had looked like in previous lifetimes. I could remember the higher plane, where time had no meaning, where the beauty was within us, where all was pure, and love bound all souls together, in a oneness, an ocean of love.

I remembered my time as a spirit, watching those around me and providing guidance to souls to whom I was bonded. I had done this often between lifetimes, paying what karmic debts I could pay so that I would not carry karmic debts into the next lifetime.

As I showered that morning, I remembered showering under a waterfall when I was a Native American.

Late that afternoon, God said, “Relax. Remember, whether your message is accepted or not accepted is not your concern, your job is only to deliver the message.”

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