It was a new year and it would soon be time to enter my new world. In a twist, I did not know which path would take me to my new world. I did not know where my path would lead in the short distance from what remained of this interim world, to what was to be my new world.
I was so close to my new world that I could see my new world, smell my new world, taste my new world and even feel my new world, but I could not quite reach my new world.Later that day, I struggled to review my insights (which were to become The Truth Of Reality). I just did not seem to be satisfied with my insights, but I felt I should know exactly what to do.
God spoke to me for the first time in a several weeks. "You do not have the answers to every question, but you have all of the answers that you need. Do not be concerned about the format of your insights, that is for others to determine. As for the content, do not overlook that your insights are through you, not from you.
"Do not be concerned my friend, your difficulties will end very, very soon."
Perhaps because God had raised the issue, but later that afternoon I again found myself tired of my journey.
The following day, my nerves were on edge for most of the day. I could not remember precisely when my nerves began to feel on edge. I knew that having my nerves on edge was a positive development, but the experience did not feel very positive.
Evelyn was with me throughout the day. The reflections of Evelyn's crystals danced so close in front of my eyes, that Evelyn's cloak occasionally brushed my face.
My nerves being on edge intensified my difficulties. I found myself asking once more if all that I had experienced could be real. However, I knew that my doubt was a product of my raw nerves as my vibrational rate increased.
The next day, my nerves continued to be on edge, but this was gradually replaced with the all over fluttering as the process associated with increased awareness and vibrational rate ran its course.
I had been meditating for days, looking for a point that I was missing. The increase in my vibrational rate should have told me that I had found the point. Deep within my soul I retained an element of need to suffer for the betrayal of Jesus. I knew that I did not need to suffer for the betrayal of Jesus. I knew that I had paid for what I had done, and I knew that I had only paid for my betrayal of Jesus by my own choice. This element of having to pay for the betrayal of Jesus which remained was the martyr element.
I did know that there would come a time when I experienced 'heaven on earth', and I now understood what was driving me to push 'heaven on earth' away. I recognised the martyr element which I had 'found' within me, and I knew that the martyr element was something that had been with me all of my lifetime, and for many of my previous lifetimes.
I had believed that I had removed the martyr element, but all I had done was suppress the martyr element. My initial response was to suppress the martyr element again, but I knew I needed to allow the experience to run its course. The martyr element had been buried far deeper than I had realised. The martyr element had so wrapped itself around my soul that the martyr element had almost become a part of me.
I knew and I had known for sometime that the martyr element was not a part of me, because I had become who I am.
I know who I am, and I have experienced much of who I am. I also know which part of me is not who I am, so I know that the martyr element is not who I am, but the martyr element has remained within me nevertheless. It is now time to remove the martyr element totally and finally. I will remove the martyr element now that I have become aware that the martyr element remains and I will release my need to pay for the betrayal of Jesus. I will simply allow myself to release the martyr element, which is all that I need to do.
What surprised me most was that the underlying martyr element had been with me throughout my journey, my lifetime, and much of my existence. Despite the fact that the martyr element had remained and was underlying all my experiences, I had failed to see the martyr element or become aware of the martyr element's presence.
That night, or more accurately from dawn until lunch time, I had the first real sleep I'd had for weeks. I slept. I was not travelling the spirit plane looking for answers.
Now that I had recognised that the martyr element remained, I could see the martyr element in every aspect of my life. The martyr element was present within all of my difficulties and the martyr element bound all of my difficulties together. My difficulties, which had been necessary to keep me grounded, were artificial and a result of the martyr element which I had now discovered.
I did know that I was unable to become aware of the martyr element, until it was time to remove the difficulties which were a product of the martyr element. What I did not understand was that retaining the martyr element, was also something that was imposed on me.
I did know that I was a master not a martyr, so retaining the martyr element made no sense.
I experienced an overall fluttering most of that day, and I also experienced two short periods where my nerves were on edge.
That night I did not sleep at all. Every time that I was about to sleep, a woman called my name and woke me. Why I did not know. In the morning I did sleep for maybe an hour.
I was very tired. I decided that I could not attend the office. After I telephoned the office to confirm I would not be attending, I was no longer tired. Why I was not supposed to attend the office that day I did not know. I spent a quiet day meditating.
I found myself asking God to allow my burden to be removed soon. I did not want to be a martyr and I did not see myself as martyr. In fact, the point that those who chose to read my story would not choose to follow the path to awareness, if I was to be a martyr was very much in my mind for the first time in months.
By late afternoon I was still not tired despite my lack of sleep, and by evening I was wide awake.
From an earth plane perspective, I was barely scraping through on a day to day basis which was very frustrating for me. My debts were continually increasing, as were the problems within the business.
Meditating all day confirmed that I desired a peaceful life, living with my wife and writing. In fact, two more concepts for books developed around me.
I would have liked to commence writing one of the twelve novels that I had written the basic synopsis for, or even one of the new series of spiritual books which I knew that I would write, but both options required research and my circumstances at this time made research very difficult.
I was wide awake but I needed to sleep even though I was not tired. I had a very difficult week ahead in respect of the business and I needed to be fresh. I took some sleeping tablets and slept for ten hours.
When I awoke I found myself reflecting on the previous two days. I really did know I am a master and not a martyr. My difficulties were nothing more than an illusion, and I was experiencing that a master retains their humanity.
That morning, I was given another concept for a book, and I did quite understand why.
More than a year earlier I had discounted that I would write many of the novels that I planned, and now concepts for novels were surrounding me. The number of basic synopsis I had written were increasing. Logically the novels which I would write were a part of my new world and realistically I could write the novels from either an environment of peaceful solitude, or an environment which incorporated the spiritual retreat.
I did not know if I would write the novels or not write the novels. It did not matter either way.
I had begun to review the insights which were to become The Truth Of Reality, and I was writing this book, so any other books of any type would have to wait, especially as I had another, paying full time job to do which would require much of my time and energy during the next few weeks.
My need to balance remained, as did the burden that I had to carry, but I continued to travel my path, even if I could only take very small steps.
Evelyn was again with me. Evelyn's crystals floating within inches of my eyes, and the spirits who surrounded me were so natural that I barely noticed them any longer. Mostly the spirits were here to watch and observe my journey.
As I continued to reflect, I felt very strongly that this would be the last book of the series which spanned my journey. I was very wrong, and yet in many ways I was right. I knew that it was time to begin my review of Understanding Who I Am. I hoped that I would not need to relive the events which I reviewed as I had relived my journey each time I had previously reviewed my books.
I understood that my difficulties remained, in part as what had been described as a 'test of faith'. However this description was inaccurate, it was more like I was 'honing' or fine tuning my faith.
I again considered that I should not include so much of my own story within my books, and that perhaps I should only include the messages from God. However I knew that the two were intertwined and that my example from within the average, everyday world was also important.
It was proving to be a difficult day. The difficulties which surrounded me closed in on me. I did not feel like I was in a room with the walls closing in, I felt like I was wrapped in plastic, struggling to breathe.
I felt helpless as I watched my old world crumbling under my feet, but I could not quite reach my new world which was always tantalisingly close, but always slightly out of reach. I desperately wanted to do something but all I received by way of guidance was, "Do nothing".
Despite the fact that 'nothing' was the last thing that I wanted to do, I had no choice but accept God's guidance and to sit quietly meditating as what little remained of the world which had been everything I wanted just two years earlier, crumbled and collapsed beneath my feet.
Once more, it took all of my strength to maintain my balance as that part of my path which had been my old world slowly ceased to exist. I wanted to reach out for support, but the only support that I had was the only support that I needed, my knowledge of the future, and my new world.
I was reminded of Sue's message which reflected what I had been told often, and what I knew. My new world would begin suddenly. I would go to sleep in my old world and awake in my new world. I knew that I needed to awake in my new world soon, because there was not much left of my old world to go to sleep in.
I was not so arrogant as to believe that my new world could not be negative, but even though I accepted the possibility, I did not believe for a minute that my new world would be anything but positive. From an earth plane perspective, I was wrong.
I could do nothing other than stand on my path and look longingly at my new world which I could not reach, and trust God that I would not collapse with my old world.
God said, "Such is the way of the master."
Perhaps it was the way of a master, but I did not like the experience.
"You are not required to like the experience."
I reviewed all that I had done during the previous two years and I questioned what for me, were irresponsible actions, but I could not get passed God's words which were echoing in my mind. 'Do not be concerned about financial matters.'
Part of me felt that what I was experiencing was negative, but I knew that much of what I had believed was negative throughout my journey, had really been positive, reversed by the mirror effect of the earth plane.
I think that the issue which surprised me the most was that despite my crumbling old world and my inability to reach my new world, despite not liking what I was experiencing and despite not being able to do anything, my difficulty was only on the surface. Within myself I was strong, I was at peace and my underlying happiness remained. I may not have been smiling on the outside, but on the inside I was beaming.
I attempted to focus on a number of things that had not occurred which I had been told would occur. I was attempting to use things that had not occurred to prove to myself that none of what had occurred was real. The result was that the fabric of existence pulsing through me became a 'hammering' rather than a pulsing.
Twice that day I sought answers on the spirit plane.
I was a new born baby, born deep under water and swimming to the surface. Attempting to reach the surface so I could take a breath before I drowned.
On my second visit to the spirit plane, my path collapsed under me. I fell and I was sure that I would land at the bottom. A hand reached out and caught me, placing me back on my path. The hand which caught me was the hand of God.
The day continued to deteriorate. The only sign of support that I could find came from within. As I considered the aspects of my environment at that time, it took every ounce of strength that I had not to turn my back and walk away.
Everywhere I turned I was confronted with a need for faith and trust. I attempted to talk with my aunt whom I had not spoken with for some time. The conversation was very difficult. I did not know how to tell people about what was happening in my life, when all that was happening in my life related to my spiritual journey. This was particularly emphasised because the physical aspects of my existence at this time appeared so negative, although spiritually my life was positive.
I was surrounded by delays. It seemed to me that everything had been delayed, yet again. Katerina's Christmas had arrived and we were no closer to being together. I meditated into the early hours of the morning, still questioning if all that had occurred was real.
The following morning, my mind was full of all the external confirmation which I had received throughout my journey. Mostly the external confirmation that filled my mind was from Sue's words describing exactly what I was experiencing with no way for Sue to know what I was experiencing, if all that had occurred was not real.
Having commenced a review of Understanding Who I Am, it did not surprise me to read the words 'because what she explained was exactly what I was experiencing at the time' immediately after I had written the preceding paragraph.
I now understood from experience that one who allows themselves to become a master continues to have difficulties and continues to question, even after accepting and knowing that they are a master.
On the surface this does seem to be a negative experience, but in reality the experience is in fact positive. Each time the question is asked, each time the answer is provided, it underlines and emphasises the truth. It is positive to question because answers which we receive build upon each other, increasing awareness.
I attended to my business within the office relatively easily. However, I still could not embrace the business. I received a telephone call announcing that the first of what I believed would be a flood of legal action to recover money, had commenced.
My old world was continuing to crumble beneath my feet and I desperately wanted to do something to stop my old world from crumbling. I was repeatedly told to 'do nothing'. I meditated without finding any guidance. I slept well because I took some sleeping tablets, I needed to sleep.
When I awoke, I was reminded that if the result of my journey was to lose everything and not receive the earth plane salvation which I had been promised, those who chose to read my work would not be encouraged to follow my path.
What I had gained during the past two years had far surpassed what I had lost, which in itself was difficult to demonstrate to the majority. Unless awareness is experienced, awareness cannot be understood. This was something that God had explained to me when my journey began and even though I now understood, I also understood that God had been correct. The Truth Of Reality cannot be explained without a point of reference. The reality of existence needs to be experienced to be understood, and the only place that anything can be experienced is on the earth plane.
As with all aspects of my journey, 'heaven' needs to be experienced, and heaven needs to be experienced on the earth plane, or heaven is not experienced.
I knew that I was the example, and I knew that I would take every wrong turn and dead end as part of the example, not just because God had told me, but because I had now experienced for myself.
The example that I was experiencing had now taken me to a point where my old world was crumbing and falling apart, prior to me being able to reach my new world. My only support was faith and Trust In God, which was something that I had foreseen on the spirit plane some months earlier.
I knew that the point of the previous few months had been to have faith and not give up even when difficulties continued to mount and seemed endless. I had also experienced that when difficulties continue to mount and seem endless, doubts return, especially as we exist within the earth plane and most of us believe that the earth plane is the only reality. The salient point is my role as the example and even though I did understand the need for an example, it was not a role that I enjoyed.
However, I had chosen my path and my destiny, and I was now allowing my destiny to fulfil itself. My journey had indeed had its rewards, and my real difficulty was that my journey was beginning to adversely affect others. From a personal perspective I could make the choice to walk away, but walking away was not my path. I had chosen to maintain and accept my responsibilities, which was the example that I was destined to be. Walking away from my responsibilities had not been an option for me, because walking away from my responsibilities was not the example that was needed.
I continued to review of Understanding Who I Am. The words, 'your problems will be solved suddenly and quickly' jumped out at me.
What I found interesting that morning was that I did not feel any of my problems at all, in fact quite the opposite. I felt a sense of well being tingling throughout my body. I felt as if I did not have a problem in the world.
God said, "Nancy has needed to help. Nancy's life is currently full of examples in many aspects of the help issue. Nancy has helped you greatly and has been unable to help others even with simple matters, despite many attempts to do so. The need to help is tied to Nancy's need to feel useful, to feel important, to be noticed. It is time for Nancy to consider all that surrounds her and has surrounded her in her life. This common theme binds Nancy's life together, and many of her lifetimes together. The need to help is what Nancy has chosen to experience and proving such assistance is what she failed to experience in the Jesus lifetime.
"Nancy has provided help and assistance in your task, because such help and assistance was convenient to both of your experiences. Providing assistance to you has not given Nancy the experiences which she sought and has sought for two thousand years, but providing help and assistance to you has provided Nancy with the experiences which she needed. Being able to provide help and assistance has provided Nancy with the point, the key which she has been seeking for two thousand years.
"Nancy has not found what she has been truly seeking, because what Nancy is truly seeking can only be found in the one place where Nancy has not truly looked, within. Soon it will be time for Nancy to commence her own journey, very soon. Nancy cannot commence her own journey whilst assisting you on your journey. Your paths will soon part, but it will be a temporary parting, and when Nancy has found what she is seeking, your paths will run parallel again.
"You are concerned by these words, because you feel you that have been using Nancy, but I can assure you that much that has occurred has been for Nancy and you have been convenient to Nancy's experience. Your choices were removed to allow Nancy the experience that she needed, prior to commencing her own journey. It will soon be time for Nancy to return to where her journey should have commenced.
"That Nancy's journey did not commence at that time was foreseen and that Nancy would help you with your task was foreseen, so Nancy's journey could not commence until now. Nothing is by accident and Nancy was certainly not born in the region of the world where she was born by accident. Nancy knows this, it is where Nancy's journey must commence.
"Nancy's choice is now simple. Easy or difficult. It is time to follow her path and Nancy has chosen to undertake her journey. Nancy's higher self, God, will ensure that Nancy commences her journey. Soon you will part company and Nancy will return to her birth place to commence her journey. Nancy's birth place is a starting point. Did you yourself not return to your birth place at the beginning of your journey?
"My guidance to Nancy is to return to her birth place to commence her journey by conscious choice, because she will return to her birth place to commence her journey."
I cannot say that I was completely comfortable with God's words. I felt that I was pushing Nancy away because I would not longer need her.
"Nancy has not yet discovered the bridge to her soul, so how would Nancy receive my message other than through you, or another temporary bridge to her soul. It is no different to what Nancy has been told previously. It is for Nancy to search her own soul to confirm the truth of these words. I ask Nancy this question, what is selecting the right movie in the wrong cover, if it is not a call home?"
As I continued my review, and as I reflected upon my current environment, I understood more clearly what God had meant when God had said that we had one more point to demonstrate as part of the example.
Occasionally during the previous few weeks, the crow who had once been my friend Sitting Crow in my Native American lifetime, would sit in a tree adjacent to where I worked on my books and watch me. I knew that Sitting Crow, like many spirits and Evelyn, was giving me the moral support that I needed.
I attended a business meeting, which in itself was unremarkable, other than that I accurately assessed the situation within a few minutes, and was required to endure another two hours as the situation was explained.
I spent the early evening attending to some personal business which highlighted my financial difficulties. Strangely, I retained my feeling of well being, which I suspected was a product of being supported by my faith in God.
I found myself questioning all that had happened again that night, and questioning whether my experiences were real. I thought; 'Sometimes my experiences seem so real.'
God said, "That is because your experiences are real."
The following morning I retained my sense of well being, but I did particularly miss Katerina.
I wanted to ask God what was happening and maybe what was going to happen, but I was reluctant to do so. I suspected that I did not want another convenient explanation.
I did not really doubt. I was questioning in an attempt to find an alternative explanation for all that I had experienced during my journey, but I could not find an alternative explanation for all that I had experienced during my journey.
I asked God what I should do.
God replied, "Do nothing."
"I did not like God's answer. I wanted to do something.
"What can you do?"
"I cannot do anything."
"Then do nothing. What if I told you that your burden would be removed in one week?"
"I would not believe you."
"So what do you want?"
"I want my burden removed."
"Wait patiently, and your burden will be removed."
This was the best I was going to get and I knew God's words to be true. However, Nancy was feeling the financial burden and I desperately wanted to repay her the money that I owed her. I thought; 'Poor Nance.'
God said, "There is nothing poor about walking with a master."
I attended a business meeting in the office, which went remarkably smoothly.
I retained my sense of well being and I spent the remainder of the day relaxing with my boys before having a rare good night's sleep.
The next morning, I recommenced the review of Understanding Who I Am. As usual, there were many 'coincidental' parallels between what I was reviewing and what I was living, but I did not appear to need to relive my experiences.
I did not know what this development meant, if not feeling my experiences as I reviewed my experiences meant anything, but I was grateful that I did not seem to need to relive my journey yet again.
However, it was apparent that the move from my old world to my new world had been delayed by my choice, conscious or otherwise, time and time again. Notwithstanding that it was foreseen that I would make my choices and that my choices were a part of the example and therefore necessary, I would have preferred not to have chosen to delay the move from my old world to my new world.
At this point I had no concept of what would be required to travel from my old world into my new world, or that I would need to travel through hell to reach heaven. My new world had been very close to coming into being for a very long time, but I had continually pushed my new world away. It seemed that I continued to push my new world away. That I could never quite reach my new world tested my faith, and as with all that we do, it was my choice to test my faith. It was also foreseen, convenient and necessary that I had my faith tested.
Balancing between the three planes was still difficult at times and I continued to feel myself pulled in a number of directions at one time.
It was a difficult day. Every time that I attempted to review my notes, I developed a headache. I found myself meditating on my continuing difficulties, which had reached a point where they were only financial. I reached the conclusion that the only reason why my difficulties affected me, was because of my responsibility to my family. I could start again but my family could not, which was the reality, everyway that I looked at it.
I considered how I had gotten into such a difficult financial position. I was looking for answers to my ongoing question of my financial difficulties and the only conclusion which was available, was that I had followed the path which I had been asked to follow. It was true that I had borrowed money to travel overseas and that most of my difficulties stemmed from the fact that Katerina lived in Russia. However, I could not escape the fact that the funds had been made available to me exactly when I needed them.
The funds had not been available prior to when I had needed them, and that I had used the available funds was convenient. The reality was that the funds that I had borrowed to travel overseas were unavailable, until I needed the funds to travel overseas. The funds became available when I needed the funds to travel overseas, which was exactly when God had said that the funds would be available.
The other point that I needed to consider in this respect, was that God had not only told me directly that the funds would be available, but God had also told me that the funds would be available through Sue, and God had told me that the funds would be available not in response to a question that I had asked Sue.
I considered why I could not service my debts. I earned a very good salary despite the problems within the business. The reality was that I could support two households and service my debts, albeit with nothing to spare, but I could not support three households which was precisely what I had been doing for many months.
Whichever way I looked at my financial difficulties, I could directly attribute my financial difficulties to my path and effectively to my faith in God. I'd had faith in God when I was told not to worry and I had only committed to others when God had told me to commit to others.
| However, even during the previous few months
when I had reached a point where I did not believe the promised solution
would eventuate, I did not lose my faith in God, which was interesting
in itself. I questioned and I continued to question. I did not blindly
accept anything and I had not blindly accepted anything throughout my
journey. Always I had questioned and it was my questions which had led
me to answers and through answers, awareness.
I recalled that I had been told very early in my journey that my characteristic to question and not blindly accept was important.
The two factors that I continued to find most interesting were that I continued to feel that my difficulties were artificial, and that my difficulties would be resolved before they adversely affected my family.
I felt that my difficulties would be resolved at any moment, but I had felt that my difficulties would be resolved at any moment for months, despite the fact that my difficulties had not been resolved, and my difficulties did not look like being resolved, from an earth plane perspective.
I was not worried. However, I was tired and fed up of balancing perspectives, planes, worlds, difficulties and two full time 'jobs'.
I continued to question whether I wanted my difficulties to be resolved for me and naturally I did. Who would want to be surrounded with increasing difficulties. However, whenever I had been required to provide for my children or my wife instead of myself, I had chosen willingly not to provide for myself. My concern was far more for my family than for myself.
I spent a quiet day with my boys, and a quiet evening meditating.
Late that night, or early the next morning, I suddenly understood a point which had been troubling me for nearly two years. I had been told, initially through my experiences with tarot cards and subsequently through my spirit guides, through an outside message, and through soul contact, that a person who I had been close to for a number of years would soon 'die'. It had been explained to me in that she had fulfilled a very important purpose in my life, because she had been like a mother to me through some very difficult times. When my world had first fallen apart, I had reached out to her, but she was not able to be there for me.
She had been all but estranged from her own son, and I had fulfilled that role in her life as well. Around the time that she could no longer be there for me, her own son had returned to her life and subsequently moved in with her. Contact between us was now limited to maybe three telephone calls a year.
I had struggled for a long time with this issue and it had been a major source of doubt and concern about the reality of what I was experiencing.
As I reflected that night, I belatedly understood the original message and the subsequent messages. I now that I understood that the timing I had been given was extremely accurate. It was my understanding or interpretation of the message which had been in error.
The death which had been referred to, was our surrogate mother/son relationship. I now saw and understood the truth with clarity.
There had been other issues which I had struggled with on the same basis, events that I had foreseen which had not occurred. I could immediately apply my new awareness to those situations. I was starting to 'see' the events with a new clarity and understanding.
Other events which I had foreseen and even told others about had now occurred, although not always in the way that I had understood that the event would occur. It was not that what I had foreseen had not occurred, it was that my understanding of what I had foreseen which was a product of my one dimensional view of the world when I had foreseen the events.
The following morning, I wondered whether I should seek clarity in respect of other events that I had foreseen. However, I decided that my best course of action was to allow the events to present themselves, which they would if I needed to develop an understanding of the true meaning of other events that I had foreseen.
Once more issues that had been used to 'test' my faith had been removed when I no longer needed them. I allowed myself to select the two issues from the previous evening and track the development of both of the issues again. I questioned the new convenient explanation which I had been given, but as I tracked the issues from the point where I had foreseen the events until this point, the explanation 'fitted' a little too conveniently to be anything other than accurate.
Having removed one major issue that I had utilised to 'test' my faith, I immediately replaced my released issue with an old issue which I found myself re-visiting. The issue was whether my work, my writing which was not really mine, was worthwhile.
Other than the incidental aspects of my story which related to my personal journey, the message contained within my words was very powerful. I felt the power of the message that I had been asked to deliver, not only when I had written the words, but each time that I had read my work. I felt that the message that I had been asked to deliver needed to be released, and made available to all who sought the truth.
However, I had not received any comments from my current literary agent as to the content of my work. It had been after sending Seeking The Knowledge Within, wherein I had revealed my identity as Judas, that my former literary agent had withdrawn her services, to pursue her own work.
I did not think for one moment that I was the world's most gifted writer, but I did know that the content of my work was worthwhile and needed to be shared. However I had been directed to my current literary agent, and all I could do was have faith, be patient, and allow her to do her job.
Something that Sue had said to me during one of our early consultations had been repeating in my head for a number of days, 'You will be known as Jesus was known'. I was not comfortable with this comment, and I did not know why the comment was repeating itself in my head at that time.
I attempted to obtain confirmation from God as to what would occur during the following few weeks, but all I received was conflicting and confusing answers. I maintained both my faith and my need to question.
With all of the questions that I had asked and answered during the previous few days and my continuing difficulties, I had found myself questioning how I could possibly be a master. I did accept that I am a master, notwithstanding that I felt that if I was a master, I should not even question the fact that I am a master.
My review of Understanding Who I Am had followed a very familiar pattern, even if I did not need to relive the events which I was reviewing, and that morning was no exception.
I continued to be able to review my notes to a point and then I would be unable to review for some time. When I recommenced my review, I would be given a key or a message or have a point underlined which I 'happened' to be experiencing or questioning at the time of the review.
I stared at the words that I was reviewing. 'A master who embraces that they are a master is not a master.'
As I continued my review, I reflected on what I was now experiencing. I could see that I had been searching for another explanation for all that I had experienced, but I had not been able to find any other explanation except that my experiences were real.
Again that morning I was extremely tired until I made the decision to work from home, and then my tiredness immediately disappeared.
| I did little of what I intended to do that
day, instead I spent most of the day on the spirit plane. My contact with
the spirit plane was becoming more tangible all of the time. Often even
after I returned to the earth plane, I could still feel a spirit holding
my hand, or sitting near me.
That day, I particularly became aware of how quickly the days passed when I was on the spirit plane. My days had passed quickly when I was on the spirit plane for some time, but I had not really registered that my days seemed to disappear.
My visits to the spirit plane always began and ended with a mixture of images. What I experienced when I was fully a part of the spirit plane, I seldom retained within my consciousness. Why I did not retain all of my spirit plane experiences within my consciousness I could not say, but I did know that I drew on my spirit plane experiences as and when I needed my spirit plane experiences.
I meditated for some time that evening before having a good nights sleep.
The following day, I needed to attend the office because I could not work from home, but I was not tired. The only times when I experienced extreme tiredness in the morning was when I planned to attend the office, but I could work from home. I considered whether becoming extremely tired was something that I did to avoid the office. However, on the occasions when I became extremely tired, I had mostly believed that it was necessary for me to attend the office. It took some time for me to convince myself that I did not need to attend the office on those mornings when I became extremely tired.
My financial pressures again closed in on me as pieces of my old world continued to crumble and fall away beneath my feet. I noted with interest that I observed what was occurring and that I did not feel what was occurring, despite the fact that there was no indication of when my new world would take on physical substance.
My path was supported only by faith and Trust In God, but my faith was not blind faith and I did continue to question. That I questioned was 'positive', and with each question and answer I felt the faith and trust which was supporting my path strengthen.
The foundation of my old world had been built on my fragile ego intertwined with my fears and insecurities. This foundation of my new world was faith and Trust In God. I knew that when it was time to build my new world, I would build my new world on a very sound foundation.
| Coincidentally, the aspect of Understanding
Who I Am that I was reviewing was when I considered all of the
times that God had foreseen that funds would be available when I needed
them. I knew that I had stopped reviewing the previous day so that I would
be reminded that God had foreseen that funds would be available, when
my financial difficulties again began to close in on me.
I attended the office where a number of decisions were required. I took charge and 'steamrolled' decisions and changes which needed to be made. In fact, I was exactly how I had been prior to having the 'stress' imposed on me, which at least confirmed that I still had 'it', business wise.
When I had left for the office that morning, I knew that decisions and changes were required, but I'd had no intention of taking charge. Whilst I was travelling to the office that day I had once again 'seen' what was possible in respect of the business, and how successful the business could be.
After I returned home, I slept for several hours before relaxing for a few hours. I meditated into the early hours of the morning.
I was surprised when I awoke the next day after only two hours sleep. During the previous three or four times that I had slept, I had been inundated with dreams which combined past, present and future aspects of my life. The dreams were all different but the 'mixture' theme was constant. I knew I was attempting to tell myself something, to give myself a message that I was missing, but I could not quite understand the message that I was attempting to give myself.
I was supposedly working from home that day. However, I was unable to do anything other than meditate.
I had long ago passed the point where I was totally fed up with my journey. At this point I continued my journey because I had nowhere else to go.
At times I wanted to embrace the business, but I had been shown too often that I could do no more than was necessary for me to obtain an income. Therefore, I did not seriously attempt to embrace the business. However, I no longer discounted that I would be required to embrace the business in the future. I waited and did no more than I was instructed to do. At this point I had been instructed to do nothing and even though I longed for a change in my instructions, I accepted that I was required to do nothing.
The next morning, I awoke early and sat on the balcony enjoying the beauty of the world. Spiritually, I had been soaring for a few months, regardless of what occurred on the earth plane to ground me.
The only problem that I had within my existence at that time was my need to balance my earth plane difficulties. Despite the fact that I was well and truly passed the 'fed up' stage, I knew that my difficulties were artificial. However, the illusion of the earth plane must seem real to fulfil its purpose, and I accepted this simple reality.
Not for the first time in the previous few weeks I began to wonder if Sue's note at Christmas suggesting I would have major difficulties during this year was accurate after all. However, as soon as I questioned the possibility of a difficult year ahead, the messages that Sue had received for me on the same day as she gave me the card were placed in my mind. The messages that I had received from Sue and another source on that same day contradicted what Sue had written.
I felt that the message that Sue had written had come from Sue, whereas the messages Sue had delivered came through Sue. However, I was open to the possibility that what I felt was wishful thinking.
I questioned my attitude towards my previous home. Perhaps I should have been grateful for the house and tried harder to make that house which I did not like into a home. However, the house did not feel like home and I knew from experience that the quality of a house had no bearing on whether a house felt like home.
As I considered the house, one of the messages which Sue had delivered during our last meeting was placed in my head. 'Finding a home and signing a lease when I had left my previous home would have been pointless. The period of the lease would have been too long.'
| I continued to question my environment and
the journey which had brought me to my current environment. I continued
to have each question answered. Regardless of the number of questions
I asked, the answer was effectively the same. Everything is as everything
is meant to be.
Sue's words were again placed in my mind. Sue had passed on a message that my difficulties would soon be over, which I had questioned. The message which Sue had been given in response was 'No, for you it really will be soon, very soon'.
I glanced up, and Jesus was standing a few feet away watching, once more simply letting me know that he was with me.
Jesus uttered a single word, "Today."
I did not want to attempt to understand the meaning of Jesus' words and I did not want to discuss the matter with my friend.
What Jesus had said could mean anything or nothing, and I would allow the day to run its course, and allow whatever was going to happen, to happen.
I attended the office. The changes which I had suggested had been implemented remarkably smoothly. I enjoyed a quiet lunch with an old friend, and we discussed some aspects of my spiritual journey.
It was a quiet evening and night. At the end of the day I was no closer to knowing what Jesus' comment 'today' meant.
The next morning, I considered the options that I had in front of me. My options were very few. Being unable to embrace the business, my employment had become no more than a job. My difficulty in this respect remained because I could not recall having a 'job' previously in this lifetime. I had always been able to 'feel' my work and as such my employment was not a job.
Until my journey had begun, I had never really gone to 'work'. I had always been paid for doing what I loved to do. I could not see that I would be able to regain my love of my work in respect of the business, nor could I simply change 'jobs' for a variety of reasons. Firstly, the business did allow me to complete my spiritual writing and experiences through allowing me to work at home often. Secondly, I had borrowed funds from the business and if I were to find alternate employment, I would be required to repay the business which I could not do. It seemed to me that owing the money to the business had been a convenient way to tie me to the business.
I attended to what was necessary within the business that day and I returned home early, because a business lunch which had been scheduled for that day had been cancelled.
I felt my body jolt forward as the boat hit the shore. My hair was matted as was my beard from the long sea journey. My shoulders and back ached and I was stiff. I stood, walked to the front of the boat and jumped onto the shore. It was good to be home. My wife was waiting for me. My wife was Marie and I felt that we had been happy together in that lifetime. I was a Viking.
The contact between Marie and myself at this time was increasing, so recalling another lifetime when we had been together did not surprise me. However, this Viking lifetime was one of the few lifetimes which I had recalled, where we had been happy together.
That afternoon the pressures caused by my financial and other difficulties closed in on me once more. As a result, I spent many hours meditating.
I rang the Australian embassy in Moscow, but there were no developments in respect of Katerina's visa. Everywhere I looked I seemed to be surrounded by delays and stalling as if everything had been placed on 'hold'.
Later that night, I had once more had more than enough of the whole thing. I did not want to know. God attempted to instigate a conversation, but I did not want to talk. I wanted to be left alone and to sleep. I refused God's approaches and I suggested we have the conversation on another day.
The following day I was at peace, but I could not work on either what I needed to compete for my business, or my spiritual work.
I had a mountain of outstanding accounts to pay. I had not looked at many of my outstanding accounts, because I saw no point in looking at my outstanding accounts. I considered sorting through my outstanding accounts, but I decided that sorting through my outstanding accounts would achieve nothing.
What did occur that day surprised me a little in that I was given another four 'ideas' or 'plots' for books. I was pleased with this development, and I would have liked to commence writing many of the stories that I had been given, but writing novels was not practical between my 'day job' and my spiritual writing. If I was to become a writer, it would have to wait until I had the resources to write full time.
I had not heard from my literary agent since she acknowledged receiving my second, third and fourth books. On the basis that my literary agent had 'liked' my writing style after receiving the first book, the only problem, if there was a problem, could be that she was not comfortable with the content. It had been during my second book that my identity as Judas Iscariot had been revealed and it was after receiving my second book that my first literary agent had withdrawn her services. It was possible that the content of my second book was 'too much' for my literary agent, or it could be that her lack of response was conveniently adding to the pressure of my environment.
My difficulties had again achieved the exact balance that was required to allow me to 'feel' my difficulties, and many if not all of my difficulties seemed and felt artificial, even when I was experiencing them.
Despite my difficulties, the fabric of existence continued to pulsate through my body and my body continued to flutter as my vibrational rate increased. I would have believed that if I was so in touch with the higher and spirit planes that I would know precisely what was going to occur within my life, but reality does not work that way. I need to experience and I will continue to experience whilst I am attached to the earth plane.
I had been soaring, and when I had gone too far, I had been pulled back to earth, by an adjustment in the balance of my difficulties, which emphasised the artificial nature of my environment.
My fluid retention problem contributed to the balance of difficulties which needed to increase each time that I required 'grounding'. In fact, as I reflected upon my journey, I could clearly see how my difficulties had continued to increase each time that I had needed to be grounded.
This was particularly noticeable since my journey had been put on hold around the time that I had lost my home. Since then I had reviewed and reflected upon my journey over and over as I allowed my awareness to increase, but even as my awareness increased, I had made very little progress along my path.
My difficulties in respect of all facets of my existence at that time were the catalyst for many questions. I questioned my position in respect of the business and as with everything else within my life, I maintained the conclusion that everything was as everything was meant to be.
I was looking for some indication that I had invented my experiences, but I could not find any indication that I had invented my experiences. Whenever I thought that I was close to determining that I had invented my experiences, I would recall an event or I would understand the meaning of an event and I would be left with the feeling that everything that I had experienced had indeed happened.
On a number of occasions that day I had felt that God was ready to re-instigate the conversation that God had attempted to start the previous night, but each time I pushed God away. I was not ready to talk with God, which neither surprised me nor concerned me, God is a friend and God does understand.
I went to bed reasonably early for me, and I slept until morning.
The next day, I wondered if I was attempting to embrace the fact that I wanted to be a writer. However, I did not feel that I was attempting to embrace the fact that I wanted to be a writer. I did keep a record of the 'plots' that I received and I may write some or all of the novels in the future, but if I did write some or all of the novels, they would be incidental to my task, and any income that was produced by any novels I may write would be directed to the spiritual centre.
I felt that God was almost ready to re-instigate our conversation, and again I pushed God away.
As I considered my environment as a whole. I could see that I was ready. In all aspects of my environment I was as prepared as I could be and everything now hinged on the missing link. It was probable that as soon as the missing link manifested itself everything would begin to fall into place and my new world would be created almost immediately.
I reflected on all of the times when I had felt the fabric of existence pulsating through my body and I found the common denominator. When I had felt the fabric of existence pulsating through my body I was usually very relaxed and unconcerned by any external events.
We are all a part of the fabric of existence and as such the fabric of existence is a part of us. Whether we feel the fabric of existence within us or whether we do not feel the fabric of existence within us, does not alter the reality that the fabric of existence is a part of us. My awareness level was such that I was able to feel the fabric of existence, whenever I allowed myself to feel the fabric of existence.
There were a few more things that I could do in preparation for whatever was to come, particularly if I pushed myself. However, I knew that if I needed to push myself to do anything, I was not quite ready to do that thing.
I had allowed myself to become prepared to this point and I would allow myself to continue to prepare, until it was time to act. I knew that if I pushed myself I would not really be prepared and that pushing myself would not make it time to act any sooner.
What my course of action would be, depended very much on what the missing link, which would provide my earth plane salvation, was. I knew that the missing link, or the external event, whenever it occurred, would direct me to the course of action that I would take, which will occur when the time to do nothing is over.
The remainder of the day was quiet and uneventful. Occasionally, Evelyn's crystals would flash around me.
The following morning, my financial difficulties were again highlighted, although by themselves my financial difficulties did not affect me. My ongoing difficulties with the business were thrown into the equation, but I remained unaffected. It took a very specific balance of difficulties before I would feel my difficulties, and that morning the balance of my difficulties was not sufficient for me to feel my difficulties.
I had just enough funds to pay the creditor who was commencing legal action, but no more. Once more I was able to survive my difficulties at the last minute. I would telephone my major commercial creditor that day, and buy myself another week. It was now four months since I had paid them and that my major commercial creditor had not commenced proceedings was surprising in itself.
I considered one possible medium-term solution to my difficulties. However, the problem always returned to the fact that I could not continue to support three households.
That morning, I was able to recommence my review of Understanding Who I Am. The parallels between what I was reviewing and what I was experiencing continued, but I was observing and it seemed that I did not need to feel the repeat experiences again.
I struggled to formulate a possible solution to my financial problems in my mind. The possible solution to my financial problems would involve a change in the balance of my debts, and the possible solution to my financial problems may not be possible.
I knew that the possible solution to my financial problems could be the solution as no other solution to my financial problems had presented itself. I would consider the possibility during the following few days. I knew that a change in the balance of my debts was how God could provide, but I did not see how what I was formulating was a 'solution', it was more like another way to stall.
I could not overlook, and I desperately tried to overlook, the fact that I was in this difficult financial position because I had followed the path that God had asked me to follow, which was emphasised because God had asked me to follow my path using a variety of sources. God had very specifically told me that a solution to my difficulties would be provided, a solution which would be both financial and physical. God had told me that a solution to my difficulties would be provided both directly, and through others. God had told me repeatedly, for more than a year, that a solution to my difficulties was God's promise, not mine and that God would keep God's promise. I could not deny my own experience.
I knew that God was able to keep God's promise because God foresaw what was going to occur. Despite my knowledge, God's promise was still a promise and a promise did not pay the bills for a master who is aware that he is a master, any more than a promise would pay the bills for a master who is unaware that they are a master.
I asked, "Will my problems be solved as it has been foreseen?"
God replied, "Yes."
"Will I have sufficient resources to remove the pressure, and commence my new world?"
"Yes, more than sufficient."
I discussed timing issue with God, but I did not want to embrace the issue of timing or use the information to build my hopes up, only to be let down and find that I neither blamed God nor discontinued my journey.
Yes, a master did have hopes and wants and a master could be disappointed. A master is no different in what they experience, but a master experiences from a position of awareness, which is the only way in which a master is different. A master is aware.
God was very definite about the timing but when I pushed, God denied the timing only to reconfirm the timing once again. I knew that whether I accepted the timing or not, it would not change what would occur.
Jesus was again with me. Jesus said, "Be at peace my friend."
I discussed my circumstances with God a little more, but I knew that all I could do was be patient, and allow whatever was to happen to occur.
It was interesting that after noting that the balance of my difficulties was not sufficient for me to feel my difficulties, my difficulties immediately increased. My friend Jane called. Jane had been retrenched from her job and her landlord was selling the house that she rented. It would be several months before the house that Jane was having built would be completed and Jane could not afford to pay her mortgage. Jane desperately needed the money that she had leant me, and at that point in time I could not help her.
That Jane was being affected by my journey was not right, and did not feel right.
I had been meditating for several days. Three days earlier I had been given a message which was repeated that night, and I finally received the message. Every time that I had been given the message, I had felt spirits around me very strongly and when I finally received the message, the spirits seemed to be screaming at me.
For many months I had known that my environment was artificial, my environment was imposed. I knew that my environment was artificial and I had been struggling to understand my own knowledge. It was only when I received the message that I understood. There was a spirit around me, blocking everything. I did not know who, or why or even how a spirit could affect a master in this way. No doubt I was again fulfilling my role as the example. I would not have believed it was possible for a spirit to influence the environment of a master in this way, if I had not experienced the spirit's influence for myself.
However, as part of the example, I was meant to be influenced by a spirit and I had not been meant to learn of the spirit's presence until this point. The spirit's presence certainly did explain a lot.
I had noted several months earlier that I attracted troubled spirits because I could release spirits from the spirit plane. As I wrote these, the spirit's presence enveloped me again. It was apparent that this spirit sought release, and had attracted my attention in the only way that the spirit knew how to attract my attention, by causing me difficulties.
The timing of the spirit's influence was also very convenient in the terms of the example. I had known that the difficulties that I had been experiencing were imposed, and I had also known that the difficulties that I had been experiencing were not imposed by God.
I slowly started to learn about the spirit. She had been killed. I knew two things about her. The spirit had been a female identity and she had not been ready to move on when her physical life had ceased. That was all I knew other than that she wanted to be released, and it was going to be a long night.
It would have been much simpler if she had come to me and asked to be released. However, I understood that communication methods were subject to awareness and that only souls who are unaware become 'trapped' on the spirit plane.
If I was to continue to be used by trapped spirits to find release, I certainly hoped that I could find a way to streamline the process.
I found myself attempting to force contact with the spirit, and I felt the spirit withdraw. I knew that I needed to be patient and allow the spirit to open up to me when she was ready.
As I meditated and I waited. I understood that having the spirit around me, blocking me at every turn without my knowledge, had been very useful in that the experience had caused me to repeatedly question my journey, and through questioning and searching for answers, I had been able to reaffirm the reality of all that I had experienced.
I recalled that I had selected a crystal to wear the previous day, in fact Nancy had only bought the crystal the previous day. Nancy had not bought the crystal for me, but as soon as I saw the crystal I knew the crystal was for me. I had thought that I needed the crystal for physical reasons, but I had noted with interest that the crystal also offered spiritual protection. It had been only that morning that I had begun to wear the crystal.
I understood that souls trapped on the spirit plane are not evil as I had heard many suggest. Mostly souls trapped on the spirit plane are lost and scared. Souls trapped on the spirit plane are 'hurting' and no different from many in physical form who are unaware. When souls trapped on the spirit plane hurt they lash out at others because they want others to hurt as well. Souls trapped on the spirit plane are no different from a child, and spiritually, that is exactly what souls trapped on the spirit plane are, a child.
It appeared that the spirit did not want to communicate any further information to me, and I did not need to know any more information. I explained to the spirit about the light and I encouraged her to move towards the light. I did not know if she went to the light, I needed to sleep so I left her to it.
The following morning, I prepared to attend the office. I felt that the spirit had moved on, but I was open to the possibility that she had gone to attend to some business first, and that she may return to me.
It would have been much easier for me if God had simply told me of the spirit's presence and suggested that I help her move on, but God would not interfere with my experiences.
I'd had so many spirits around me for so long that the spirit who had been causing me difficulties had been just another spirit. I seldom paid any attention to the spirits who shared my journey, unless I was specifically approached by one or another. Other than increasing my burden and causing delays, no real harm had been done by the spirit who had fulfilled a convenient role in my journey.
At that time I had sufficient resources to pay the creditor who was about to cause me some harm, but it would not be long before the other creditors commenced action, and I certainly did not have the resources to satisfy all of my creditors.
During the previous three months, I had felt a twinge that something was not right every time that I was reminded of my trip to Paris. I had not known why I had felt a twinge that something was not right, and I had attempted to put the twinge that something was not right down to my imagination. Whatever I was warning myself about related only to Paris. That morning, it occurred to me that I could very well have 'picked up' the 'lost' spirit in Paris.
When I attended the business I saw that I had once again been organising and arranging many things whilst staying in the background, and not quite realising what I was doing. That the business continued to be on 'self destruct' was also highlighted.
Overall I was soaring. I felt that a weight had been removed. I was shown that a vague possibility that I had considered for the promotion of my books was not as vague as I had suspected, and was much more possible than I had previously accepted.
By mid afternoon I felt that the weight that had been removed had returned and for no reason my difficulties also returned. I suspected that the spirit was back.
That night the spirit confirmed that she had returned. I wondered if I should have tried harder to open communication with her. I left myself open to contact, but none was forthcoming.
I reflected on my experiences of the previous few months. I could clearly track the times when this spirit was with me and when she was away. It was her who had prevented me from soaring too far. That neither myself nor Sue had been aware of her presence, until this point was in some ways surprising, but it was also very convenient.
The spirit had certainly assisted me to experience the need for patience, and to trust and have faith in God. Her presence confirmed what I had known that my environment was artificial. That I can so easily track the spirit's influence on my environment, now that I am aware of her presence, underlined my astonishment of not recognising the spirit's presence earlier.
Either God and Jesus could have told me about the spirit's presence many times, but that would have interfered with my experiences and my example. That God and Jesus did not tell me about the spirit's presence was in itself a part of the example.
Late that night I saw the spirit. As soon as I saw the spirit I realised that I had in fact seen her the previous night as well. On both occasions saw the spirit had been screaming at me, her face distorted and barely recognisable. This spirit was a very troubled soul and I had to admit that I wanted the spirit to leave me alone, more than I wanted to help her.
The spirit was screaming at me. I recalled that the spirit had screamed at me previously, on many occasions. I did not feel any malevolence from the spirit, but I knew that she did not know what else to do.
The following morning, I awoke early. I began to question the presence of the spirit, who was certainly a very convenient 'scapegoat' for the fact that my difficulties remained. However, the spirit's presence and her influence on my environment at this point, after I had become a master was not something that I could have imagined, because I could not have believed that it was possible for a spirit to influence the environment of a master.
I had always looked for something that I was doing to push my new world away. I had not even considered the possibility that an 'external' source was influencing my environment to push my new world away. When I had understood that I was pushing the solution to my difficulties away, I had not understood why.
I had been questioning my environment for some time. I had been looking for an answer as to why the continual delay of my new world had occurred. My questions had led me to understand many aspects of my journey, but my questions had not really explained the delay of my new world.
I had previously determined that my difficulties were artificial, the delays had not made sense, and I had known that there was some point that I was missing.
By adding the spirit to the equation, the delay of my new world made sense and the pieces fitted together. The spirit's presence was the explanation for the delay of my new world, whether I wanted the spirit's presence to be the explanation for the delay of my new world to be or not. It was easier for me to accept that I had been doing something wrong, than for me to accept that a spirit such as this one could affect and influence the experiences of a master.
This spirit, and the other 'trapped' spirits whom I had encountered emphasised my understanding that a part of my role would be to heal souls in spirit. As I reflected I realised that Sue had confirmed my understanding when Sue had mentioned aspects of the purpose of the spiritual centre during our last meeting. I had not thought very much about Sue's observations at the time, because I had already known what Sue had told me. However, I had revealed my understanding to Sue.
As I continued to reflect, I continued to see how the spirit had been dragging me down, and how she had dragged me down repeatedly. That morning, the spirit's presence was very strong around me, occasionally enveloping me. I could see that the spirit was still influencing me, and I wondered if I should strengthen my resolve, as a battle of will. I knew that I was stronger than the spirit, because I was more aware.
God said, "Do not play her game. A battle of will is what she wants. Show her the light."
The presence of the spirit certainly explained why I had been very close to reaching my new world for so long, and why and how I had been prevented from taking my final step into my new world. She had been very subtle, ensuring that I was unaware of her influence. Constantly, but subtly holding me back. I had reached out to my new world repeatedly, but each time she had subtly brushed me away.
I could see the truth clearly despite the fact that the spirit was attempting to convince me that it was me, and not her who was preventing me from realising my new world. Whatever her motive when she had first joined me, the spirit was now thriving on the challenge.
I rang my major commercial creditor. I was able to stall for another ten days. God assured me that I would be able to pay the account before the ten days expired, but I was less than convinced. I had heard it all before, but previously I had been unaware of the spirit's presence.
|I considered seeking Sue's assistance in respect of encouraging
the spirit to leave me.
God said, "Encourage her to go to the light."
I asked, "Do I need Sue's help?"
Knowing that the spirit remained with me, and continued to attempt to impose difficulties, I was becoming frustrated. However, I managed to remain calm. I said to the spirit on a number of occasions, "Go to the light, there is nothing for you here."
The spirit did not seem to want to talk, so I spent most of the night repeating the same instruction, over and over again. I offered the spirit an alternative solution, but I was unsure if she accepted my alternative solution.
I slept well that night, when I awoke, the pressure had again lifted somewhat. I was very reflective. I recommenced my review.
As I reviewed events of three months previously I could see how everything had been on track and had suddenly stopped. The influence of the spirit was very clear in hindsight, as was the point that the influence of the spirit had been a very necessary part of the example.
I could see that much of what had been imposed upon me had been very necessary regardless of the fact that I had known that what had been imposed upon me, had been imposed. I understood that I had chosen to allow the spirit to influence me. I had made the choice to allow the spirit to influence me through necessity, even if I was not consciously aware of my choice. If I had been consciously aware of my choice, I would have made different choice and therefore it was important that the spirit's presence was blocked from my consciousness.
I had known that there are a large number of 'lost' and 'trapped' souls who influence the lives of many. Often a soul in spirit form will influence the life of a soul in physical form because there is a special and direct link between the two souls. Influence from a soul in spirit form is not always negative. I have experienced both negative and positive influence of souls in spirit form.
I suspect that I had underestimated the power of the influence of souls in spirit form. I had certainly not believed that a spirit could influence a master. I could see clearly that negative spirits had only begun to influence my life when those on the spirit plane who had been protecting me and having a positive influence on my life, had moved on.
It was significant that the spirit had not been able to cause any real damage, only delays and frustrations, which I knew was a result of the protection given by the angels and masters who walked with me.
I did begin to question the physical nature of the solution to my difficulties. Many times I had looked for a physical result when the answer had been spiritual, but I could not lose sight of the fact that God had been very specific about the physical nature of the solution to my difficulties.
That morning I recognised the spirit. I knew who she was. I knew why she was with me, and when she had come into my life. I knew that she had stood watching me many times, but I had looked through her. However, now that I chose I could recall that I had seen her many times standing at the front of a group of spirits. She was not evil or malevolent, she was lonely.
The spirit's name was Jane which was a 'name' that I had given a friend of mine, so I decided to call the spirit Jane 2.
I had first 'picked up' Jane 2 during my second visit to England. Jane 2 had followed me to Paris, which explained why there had been times whilst I was in Paris, when I had acted in a way that was contrary to my character.
I had first seen Jane 2 in Paris on the day that Katerina had returned to Russia the second time. The first time that I was aware of Jane 2 was through what I thought had been a vision which I had told Nancy about after I returned to Australia. We had spent much time together on the spirit plane since then, but I had believed that the experience was a recurring vision of a woman whom I would meet.
Jane 2 wanted to stay with me and she knew that when it was time for me to move into my new world I would no longer need her support. Whilst my difficulties remained, so did my need for Jane 2's support.
That Jane 2 had been a necessary part of my journey was fact, but it was now time for Jane 2 to move on. Jane 2 did not want to go, but she knew that she needed to move on.
Jane 2 had helped me on occasion, but Jane 2 had also influenced my environment so that I would need her help. As I understood Jane 2's role I began to see exactly what had been occurring, and more of my journey made sense.
Jane 2 was with me that day and Jane 2 would remain with me as we said goodbye to each other, and Jane 2 moved on.
The precise words that God had given me to help Jane 2 move on suddenly made sense; 'There is nothing for you here.'
Later that morning, Jane 2 attempted to tell me that my experiences were all in my imagination, but at this point in time, I understood how Jane 2 operated.
I explained, "It is time for both of us to move on. Unless you move on you will destroy us both"
As the day continued, Jane 2 continued her attempt to persuade me that she, and what I was experiencing, was in my imagination.
I said, "Jane, do not do this. Today you must go to the light." I received a little information before I continued. "Do not worry, you will enter my life again in your next incarnation."
I spent that afternoon attempting to convince Jane 2 to go to the light. Twice that day, Jane 2 had suggested that I should take my life and join her on the spirit plane. As the night progressed I knew that Jane 2 had not gone to the light. I understood that I had been doing exactly what God had told me not to do, I was playing Jane 2's game.
That afternoon I heard from Anne for the first time in nearly two months. Anne's life seemed to be running smoothly.
I wanted to show Jane 2 kindness, but I knew that any response from me other than encouraging Jane 2 to go to the light would not help her to move on.
God said, "You cannot reason with Jane 2. She is unaware. She only knows that finding you after her death has released her from the loneliness which was her life. Jane 2 must go to the light, she has fulfilled her purpose with you."
That night I rang the Australian embassy in Moscow, who now had the results of Katerina's medical examination and were awaiting the return of documentation in respect of Katerina's character reference, and when cleared, Katerina would receive her visa. I finally had some good news.
I said to Jane 2, "It is time for you to go to the light, there is nothing for you here."
For most of the day, my body fluttered as my vibrational rate continued to increase.
The following morning, I could see that even though Jane 2 had been with me for around eight months, it had only been during the previous few months that Jane 2 had been influencing my environment. Prior to the previous few months, it had not really been necessary for my environment to be influenced.
The fact that Jane 2 had effectively taken on a role of keeping me grounded after I had convinced George to go to the light was not lost on me. I had known for some time that my difficulties were artificial, and imposed.
Jane 2 had managed to confuse me for so long that I still did not know what to expect. All I knew is that I had known that my environment was not 'right' for some time. However, Jane 2 had fulfilled a role by keeping me grounded and causing me to question everything. It had been Jane 2's influence on events around me which had caused delays and ensured that events did not occur when they were 'supposed' occur to according to what God and Jesus had both told me.
Jane 2 had fulfilled a role and her influence on my life was meant to occur. Both Jesus and God knew of Jane 2's influence on my life and knew when I would become aware of Jane 2's presence. Therefore, Jesus and God knew that what they foresaw would not occur when what they foresaw was 'supposed' to occur. I understood that by telling me when events were 'supposed' to occur, Jesus and God were highlighting the artificial nature of my environment, and I understood that Jane 2's involvement in my life had been very necessary.
It all seemed a little too circular for me to 'get my head around' that morning, so I decided to leave that point alone.
In the context of the example, I was reminded that I would take every detour, every wrong turn and every dead end. Jane 2 was a part of this process and I saw how my experiences with Jane 2 could be used to 'tell' others that they were being influenced by a spirit, by their instinct specifically drawing them to this part of my story.
I was not sure if Jane 2 had gone to the light, I knew only that she was not with me as I wrote these notes. I continued to juggle and stall creditors and my body continued to flutter slightly as my vibrational rate increased.
I spoke with Sally for the first time in a month. I had told Sally very little about my spiritual journey during the previous twelve months. I told Sally about my continuing financial difficulties, and the present situation in respect of Katerina. Sally had a message for me, which was a repeat of a message that I had received previously. "It is all going to happen suddenly."
I briefly looked onto the spirit plane. Jane 2 was standing in front of the light, looking back over her shoulder. She took a step into the light and then stepped back again. Jane 2 did not want to go. She said, "I can help you."
I replied, "No Jane, you must go to the light."
That afternoon I began to question the potential solution to my difficulties which had been constantly given to me. I accepted that I maybe needed to find a way to work through my difficulties myself, and I became aware of another possible solution to my difficulties. I doubted if the possible solution would solve my difficulties by itself, but the possible solution was worth considering.
Jane 2 remained with me that night, which was made difficult because my nerves were on edge. However, I slept well and for longer than the few hours I normally slept.
The following morning, Jane 2 let me know that she remained with me. I considered the possibility that I could be holding onto Jane 2 as an excuse for not moving on.
The possible solution to my difficulties that I had been given the previous day and which required me to work through my difficulties without assistance, remained with me. I did not know if it was Jane 2 who was pushing the possible solution to my difficulties, which was at best a partial of a solution to my difficulties.
The reality was that the possible solution to my difficulties was only a small part of the solution to my difficulties, if the possible solution to my difficulties was not a red herring. However, I could not overlook that I had been repeatedly told for a long time that my problems would be solved by a catalyst, an external event.
From my perspective, the course of action which had placed me in a difficult financial position had been solely taken, because the course of action was what God had told me to do. I wondered how I could have blindly placed myself in such a difficult financial position, but I had not blindly placed myself in a difficult financial position, I had followed my path.
I attempted to follow the course of action which I had discovered the previous day, but I could not pursue the course of action, because I had insufficient information. Perhaps the possible solution to my difficulties had been a red herring as I suspected. I had not quite been able to understand how the possible solution to my difficulties had fitted into the big picture of what I knew would transpire in my life.
I continued to search for a solution to my difficulties instead of allowing a solution to my difficulties to come to me, because my character remained one of maintaining my responsibilities.
That night, my nerves remained on edge, and Jane 2 remained with me. I again told Jane 2 to go to the light. The power was out in the park where I was staying with my boys, so we went to bed as soon as it became dark. I had long if somewhat restless sleep, but I had been able to have more sleep than usual, and the next morning I felt well rested.
I stood in the rain to recharge my energy as the clouds returned their energy to the earth. I reflected on much of what God had said because I was again wondering if I was wrong to 'want' to be free of my difficulties, and if a spiritual path was a path of endless sacrifice, but I knew that this was not so. The belief that we should want nothing to be spiritual is a product of the mirror effect of the earth plane. I realised that in the previous few days, when I had been questioning whether wanting to be free of difficulties was wrong, I had been constantly reminded of the mirror effect of the earth plane. An old message from Sue was placed in my mind; 'It was not to good to be true'.
However, neither my reflections, nor my questions changed the fact that my difficulties remained, or that I had barely scraped through to avoid litigation over and over again. What God had told me would happen had been very consistent since my journey had begun, but all that I had done was scrape through, with resources only being made available when I needed them to follow the path that had been laid out for me. The timing of the availability of funds had been such that ignoring my path when the funds 'magically' appeared, had not been an option.
There was nothing for me to do other than to wait patiently and have faith. How to resolve my financial difficulties was a question I had asked over and over again, and I always received the same answer. Another old message from Sue appeared in my mind; 'God has not let you down in the past'.
I did know that my continual questions were a part of the example, I had not blindly accepted anything, I had always looked for alternative answers, but I always came back to the same answer.
That morning Jane 2 was not with me, but I did not know if Jane 2 had gone to the light as yet. I realised that during the times when Jane 2 was close to me, she pushed Katerina's spirit away.
I had attempted to recommence my review during the previous few days, but each time that I was about to start my review, something would happen to prevent me from being able to review.
The sun began to shine and the world around me glowed with the energy which had been delivered by the rain. With each step I took I could feel my body absorb the energy. However, despite the energy which absorbed, I continued to have my nerves on edge.
That night, Jane 2 let me know that she was still with me.
The next morning, I awoke early and I decided to go back to sleep if I could.
God said, "Maybe you need to write."
I did not feel that I did need to write, so I went back to sleep, but less than an hour later I awoke again.
I contemplated the week ahead. I doubted that my difficulties would end. I wondered if I was looking for a solution to my difficulties, or if I should be doing something different.
God said, ,"Trust your instinct."
I replied, "You are my instinct."
I continued to reflect, whenever I embraced the salvation that was to come I felt that I was setting myself up for a fall, and whenever I did not embrace the salvation that was to come I felt that I was somehow pushing the salvation that was to come away. Maybe those who said that you should have nothing to find God were right.
"Why do you doubt yourself before you doubt others? You are too hard on yourself. Do not doubt yourself and do not doubt me."
God's words were good support but God's words were no more than words, I wondered if I needed to receive my salvation to prove to myself that all I had experienced was real.
"Are you suggesting that because you did not receive your salvation previously you stopped accepting that all that has occurred was real? You know that you did not do this. You questioned and you sought answers, but the answer was always the same. Your experiences are real. You may have questioned too much, but still the answer was the same.
"Do not underestimate the influence of the spirit you have called Jane 2. How many times have you said to yourself during the previous few months; 'I don't understand why …'. Much of what you experienced did not make sense until you 'discovered' Jane 2 and then suddenly it all made sense. Jane 2 has now gone to the light, she is no longer lost.
"Your confusion stems from what I have told you, not from yourself. I have specifically told you that you would receive salvation in respect of the earth plane, and that for you this must be financial. I have told you that you can only experience salvation on the earth plane, because it is only on the earth plane that experience can be felt. Do not confuse physical salvation with the spiritual salvation, that you received long ago.
"I have told you that you have no reason to worry, and you have no reason to worry. Your salvation may have been 'delayed', but so too have the actions of your creditors been delayed. Have you not been amazed that legal action was not taken earlier? Consider the two letters which conveniently went astray, but that creditor rang you on the day they were to commence action. which enabled you to pay them before they commenced action. Do you think this was a coincidence?
"No harm has come to you because of Jane 2's presence. The 'delays' that Jane 2 caused were meant to occur, because Jane 2 caused you to question your experiences and your faith in God.
"Have we not conveniently demonstrated the influence a spirit can have on those on the earth plane? We had previously demonstrated the influence a spirit can have on those on the earth plane through the principles known to 'karma', but you now see that a 'karmic' relationship is not necessary for a spirit to influence those on the earth plane.
"The influence that a spirit can have on those on the earth plane is far more prevalent than is realised, but the influence that a spirit can have on those on the earth plane is always convenient for both souls, and is always a shared experience.
"For every delay in your salvation there has been a counter delay in your difficulties. Not only has your creditor's action been delayed, but also your business's problems and your wife's visa have been 'conveniently' delayed.
"You look for the external event because I have told you that the external event is coming and I have highlighted your own experiences of this lifetime to demonstrate that an 'external' event is necessary. If it was necessary for you to work through your difficulties during the next few years I would have told you that it was necessary for you to work through your difficulties during the next few years, and you would work through your difficulties during the next few years. You were well positioned to work through your difficulties when your journey started, and it was I who directed you through one means or another to place yourself in your present position, because I knew that no harm would come to you.
"You now question if I am telling you what you want to hear, but you know that I am not just telling you what you want to hear. You continue to question whether you need to find a way to work through your difficulties yourself, and if I said that you did need to find a way to work through your difficulties yourself, you would find a way to work through your difficulties yourself. However, if you needed find a way to work through your difficulties yourself, how would you establish the spiritual centre, bring those souls from the Jesus lifetime together, and complete your task?
"Still you question. 'Surely this is not the way that one travels a spiritual path; by an outside event which provides money.' Why not, when money is what is needed? When a new job and a house were needed in the past, a new job and a house were provided, were they not?
"Yes, you are correct. You have placed yourself in a difficult financial position in the past, but each time a solution was provided, or more accurately foreseen, which is in itself, experience that you can now draw upon.
"You have not blindly done anything. You have done what I told you to do and then only because the funds, which may have been temporary, were made available at exactly the right time.
"You have work to do, some of which you would have already done but for Jane 2's influence, but make no mistake, you are ready. Yes, Jane 2 has gone. You concern yourself, searching for guidance when no guidance is provided. If I am to offer you guidance, my guidance will be clear and you will have no doubt as to the source. Do not underestimate the confusion that Jane 2 placed in your mind. Jane 2 has now gone and your flash of confusion led you to my explanation."
Evelyn's crystals moved across my line of vision.
"You need only allow everything to happen. Your instinct is telling you that all will be well, both directly and indirectly. You know that all will be well.
"It is your character that is confusing you. Your character that is telling you to seek a solution to your difficulties, and not wait for a solution to your difficulties to come to you. That your journey has been in conflict with your character is necessary and has been the catalyst for you to question instead of blindly accepting what I have said to you.
"You need only to continue doing what you are doing and wait. The solution to your difficulties will arrive and when the solution to your difficulties does arrive, you will not be surprised. I tell you again, the solution to your difficulties will be as has been foreseen. Therefore, you need have no concern about an alternative solution to your difficulties presenting itself that you do not recognise. If an alternative solution to your difficulties was to be the way, you would recognise the alternative solution to your difficulties.
"You are now concerned because we have had this conversation many times previously, but I tell you that there are no further influences, no further need to demonstrate your faith, and no more questions that you need to ask yourself. You have satisfied yourself that all that you have experienced is real, because there is no other explanation and you have certainly searched for another explanation.
"You did not need your salvation to occur to satisfy yourself that all that you have experienced is real, because you have satisfied yourself that all that you have experienced is real, without receiving your salvation from an earth plane perspective.
"You now wonder if you are afraid to admit you were wrong and that you really do need to find a solution to your difficulties yourself, but you have never been afraid to admit you were wrong, even when you were wrong and often when you were right. You were wrong to believe that it was you who were pushing everything away, when in fact it was Jane 2 who was pushing everything away.
"It was and it is easier for you to accept that you were pushing things away, because you were wrong such is your ease with being wrong. However, I told you that you were doing anything wrong and I told you that everything was as everything was meant to be. That I left out that Jane 2 was influencing you was convenient to your experiences, but my omission did not alter my two statements of facts.
"You still look for the one answer which you know I cannot give you. 'When'. I cannot tell you precisely when any more than I could tell you about Jane 2's presence, until Jane 2's role had been fulfilled. Jane 2 is at peace now, she knows that she has fulfilled her role, and she is resting between incarnations. You will see Jane 2 again during your lifetime."
Overall, it was a quiet day. These were two pieces of information, one old and one new that were contradictory to the reality of what had transpired, which I was not comfortable with. In fact, the whole scenario of being given unsolicited information about events or timing, and then having those events or timing not come to pass, concerned me greatly. This contradiction was the only thing that I could not cope with. Everything else I took in my stride. There were issues that I had not understood or had misinterpreted that I became comfortable with when I understood them, but there were other issues that caused me to question. Without the issues that caused me to question, I would have no questions.
I noted a message which had been passed to me the previous day by 'to seer' regarding the red herring.
That night when I went to bed, I had unanswered questions.
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