A New Chapter.
I spent a relaxing weekend with my children. My difficulties were far from resolved. I knew that my difficulties were maintained to demonstrate that my journey had its difficulties, and that my difficulties had to be maintained for as long as my difficulties were required. I questioned whether I was wallowing in self pity, but I was not wallowing in self pity. I did not really feel sorry for myself. In fact, I was happy for what was to come. I only mentioned my difficulties to demonstrate that my difficulties seemed to go on without end. I was also seldom consciously aware of what I would write.
I knew that I had chosen to have everything come together at the last minute, and I knew that my difficulties had been artificially created to provide the exact environment that I needed for my journey. The pressures from my family that contributed to my difficulties remained and were finely balanced, with one easing as another increased over and over again to create just the right amount of pressure so that I would feel my environment when necessary. The pressure never seemed to increase to a point where the pressure overwhelmed me, although I thought that the pressure would overwhelm me on a number of occasions. Nor did the pressure ease enough, so that the pressure was not felt.
The balance of the pressures on me was too perfect for the pressure to be anything other than the pressure was, artificial.
In addition, Nancy was able to provide me with the support which I needed so that I was not destitute, despite having lost everything for all intents and purposes.
Once more I considered if I was delusional and if I was attempting to give some meaning to my life, but I knew I was not I delusional. I could have given some meaning to my life within my old world, and the difficulties that had sent me away from my old world had been artificial.
I knew that I had only considered this point once more to demonstrate that questions remained throughout the journey. The fact that I felt the fabric of existence pulse through me even as I was considering this point made a nonsense of the fact that I was even asking the question.
The other thing that was far too coincidental was the number of specific difficulties which arose, only to suddenly disappear when I understood some point or other that was being made.
As I stood after writing these notes, my back went 'out' for no reason at all. It was exactly the same as what had occurred almost one year previously to force me to rest, prior to when I was taken back to the mountain as a Native American boy 300 years earlier in another incarnation.
At the end of Searching For My Soul, I had believed my journey was almost complete, but I was now writing my sixth book.
The reality was that my journey had been and was still almost complete, when I viewed my journey in the context of my existence. Despite its intensity, my journey to awareness had in fact been the shortest and easiest phase of my existence.
Whenever my difficulties failed to fulfil their purpose and keep me grounded, I would develop one or another physical ailment to keep me grounded. In fact, the artificial nature of my environment at this time was increasingly apparent.
As I reflected on all that had occurred during my journey, I could see how drawing awareness to the surface or receiving explanations had not been enough. I had needed to experience each point for myself, either by experiencing the point in this lifetime, by reliving an experience from a previous lifetime or a combination of the two. This was effectively what I had been told would occur on many occasions, however I had continuously underestimated the intensity of what I would experience.
I still attempted to discontinue to write on occasions, but after two or three days of not allowing myself to write, the need to write would become so intense that I would no longer be able to avoid writing.
I no longer received assurances from either God, Jesus or any of my spirit guides which had been my choice. I knew with every part of my being that everything would be all right and the only question I had was 'when'. 'How' was irrelevant, and I accepted this. However 'when' was also irrelevant and I only allowed 'when' to become relevant when I was given some information, and I was attempting to make events happen within the time frame that I had been given.
Strangely, I knew it had been me who had pushed the solution to my difficulties away, but I had also been meant to push the solution to my difficulties away. I knew that I was pushing the solution to my difficulties away as part of the example, but I did not know exactly what it was that I was pushing away. I had determined that there was really only one possible solution, and I conceded that my belief was possibly incorrect.
I questioned whether I pushed the solution to my difficulties away, because the solution to my difficulties was something that I had no control over, but there had been many times when I had no control over events, such as when I had travelled to Russia to marry Katerina and I had no control over the availability of funds.
It was time to begin the final review of my insights, which were to become The Truth Of Reality.
I attended the office that day and cruised through what I needed to do. I met with a potential supplier for a computer system which appeared to be able to solve our difficulties. The previous potential solution had failed, and God had been correct when God had told me I would not need to write the aspects of the computer program that I had been asked to write. At the time I had considered many possible reasons why I would not have to write the aspects of the program that I had been asked to write, and certainly not for the first time, I had not even considered the possibility of what turned out to be the true reason why I would not have to write the aspects of the program that I had been asked to write.
I finalised negotiations with the major supplier to the business. It was not a good result, but the result was an acceptable compromise.
I spoke with my former business partner and confirmed the arrangement of the compromise with the major supplier to the business. A part of me wanted to embrace the business and drag the business by the scruff of the neck to save the business from itself, but I knew that the business was not my path. It was a very frustrating time for me, with my instinct and my characteristics remaining in conflict.
That night I asked God to provide the missing link soon.
The following morning, I reflected on my circumstances once more. If there was to be no salvation and if I was to remain in my old world, I could easily continue my journey. However, what made continuing my journey in my old world impossible, was my ever increasing difficulties. If I do not have my difficulties resolved very soon, my environment will change and if my difficulties are resolved my environment will change. Either way my environment will change.
I questioned whether I was sacrificing myself financially for my family, but there had been too many occasions when funds had been unavailable, until my family needed funds, for this to be so.
I was relaxed and at peace. I continually asked myself questions and reviewed my situation, looking for something that I may be doing incorrectly, but so far I had found nothing.
Every way I looked at my present circumstances, the bottom line answer was the same. I was demonstrating, as part of the example the need for patience and that difficulties seemed to go on without end. As with the rest of my journey, the period of patience was very concentrated.
A message from Sue was suddenly with me, 'God has not let you down previously, have faith.'
It was a quiet day. I mostly rested my back. I prepared Seeking The Knowledge Within, Understanding My Destiny, and Connecting With The Higher Plane for my literary agent, and I began to review my insights, which were to become The Truth Of Reality.
I sat motionless watching a large fly quietly going about its business in front of me. I sat patiently waiting for a long time before the fly came within reach. As soon as the fly came within reach, my tongue darted out, grabbed the fly and drew it back into my mouth. It was reflex, it all happened so quickly I had barely noticed any movement at all. I swallowed and sat motionless waiting for the next fly which would inevitably come within range of my tongue as long as I was patient.
That night I understood that I had no answers for any soul. Each soul must find their own answers within themselves. All answers are found within, even if the answer is provided by an outside source, such as my books. Even if a soul is led to answers, the answer is still an answer from within, and the outside source is no more than a means of communication.
I understood that the answer always comes from within very clearly. I could reflect on my journey and see that as my awareness grew, the need for communication via an outside source had diminished, until my need for outside confirmation had almost disappeared entirely. For me, communication via an outside source was confirmation of guidance that I had received directly.
I sat in a room. There was another man there. He was talking quietly, attempting to explain his understanding of existence to me. I was mesmerised by his words, but I did not understand.
I was then sitting in the shade of a tree at the edge of a desert. I was with the same man. He was again explaining existence and still I did not understand. The man who had been with me was Jesus.
I stood staring at the stars, or at heaven as I knew it then. Jesus came and stood beside me. I did not look around. I sensed that Jesus knew what was on my mind. He placed his hand on my shoulder. Jesus said, "You will do what you are destined to do." Jesus stood with me a moment longer and then he turned and walked away. I did not look around at him. I continued staring at the heavens for some time, even after I knew what I would do.
I took a deep breath, turned and walked in the opposite direction to Jesus. I had, what I believed, was a destiny to fulfil. I did not know then that my destiny was really only just beginning.
It was the early hours of the morning and I knew that sleep would not come that night. Sleep finally came around dawn but I did not sleep long, because I needed to attend the office.
I arrived at the office later than I would have liked. I was immediately called into a business meeting to resolve difficulties in some points of negotiation. I resolved the issue within minutes of arriving at the meeting.
The difficulties within the business seemed to surround me, but I did not attempt to own the difficulties within the business. I did, however, want to find a way out of the business. Watching the business slowly self-destruct, and knowing that I could do just enough within the business to maintain my employment was something that was in direct opposition to my character.
Knowing that everything is as everything is meant to be, and knowing that being placed in a position to watch the business self-destruct was an experience that I needed, did not make the experience enjoyable.
I reflected on how quickly my wages disappeared as I struggled to support the two parts of my family and that after supporting my family, I would have nothing left for myself or even to begin to pay my debts. Each time that I considered my situation, I felt that my circumstances were not right and the artificial nature of my difficulties was driven home to me.
I again questioned if I was doing something incorrectly, but I was doing exactly what I had been told to do. I was having faith in God and what God had foreseen for me. I knew that the point was to have and maintain my faith in God regardless of what happened.
It was New Years Eve. The old year ended and the new year began with a resounding whimper.
The next morning, I reflected on the two previous years. I had anticipated that both years would have seen the end of my difficulties, even though I had viewed each year from a very different perspective. In respect of both years, I had been given timing for events which had gone out of the window. In fact, I had believed that my books would be published and that I would receive my salvation, but neither event had occurred. The reality is, whether I liked to admit it or not, the belief that the events would occur was all that had kept me going on a number of occasions and being told that the events would occur had been very necessary for the purpose of keeping me going.
I reflected on the experience I had drawn on when I had sat patiently waiting and was rewarded with a fly. I knew that by drawing on this experience I was giving myself a message.
Despite the fact that I had no home, despite the fact that my wife was on the other side of the world with no concrete indication of when we would be together, despite the fact that I had effectively lost everything, despite the fact that existing day to day was a struggle because of my financial position, despite the fact that I had ballooned in respect of my weight because I had begun retaining fluid, despite the fact that I had spent the last two years watching my business slowly self destruct, the previous two years had been the most satisfying and rewarding years of my existence.
I knew that my salvation needed to be and would be experienced from an earth plane perspective and that the missing link in respect of my salvation was still 'missing'. Despite this, despite that the difficulties which I now experienced were the largest and most intense that I had experienced from a purely physical viewpoint in this lifetime, I no longer worried and my only 'down' side was that I was fed up and exhausted from my journey.
I no longer experienced self imposed 'emotional' stress, even though my difficulties had continued to increase long past the point where I believed that I could take no more. Occasionally, my difficulties seemed insurmountable, but only when I needed my difficulties to ground me.
Everything is relative and from what was and had been the most difficult period in my lifetime from an earth plane perspective, I had experienced and I enjoyed the peace and contentment of a master. The immense satisfaction that I drew from the simple beauty of the world continued to amaze me.
From an earth plane perspective I should have been consumed by worry, but I was not consumed by worry. I was relaxed and I enjoyed a deep peace, the peace of a master. I did want my difficulties to end, and I was not really experiencing joy but I knew that joy was to come.
All is relative, but experiencing this great inner peace when facing what for me was disaster from an earth plane perspective, was spiritual salvation.
If inner peace and relaxation in the face of adversity is not truly salvation, I do not know what is.
It was New Years Day. Regardless of what eventuated from an earth plane viewpoint, my world would change and I would experience that new world.
What will not change is who I am, because I am now who I am.