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Searching for My Soul
Book Three Understanding My Destiny

Final Penance


Anne rang with another message to deliver, although I doubt that Anne realized that she had a message to deliver. The message was; 'how everything would come together was not my concern'. I recognised the message immediately.

Whenever I looked for an external message, I never found a message, but by being open to messages at all times, I received messages clearly, and I recognised the messages immediately.

A little later I was presented with a key. I was a little confused about the key which I had been given, but I knew that I had been given the key to the next step. I also knew that everything was, as everything was meant to be. That my choices would lead me to this point was foreseen. I decided to relax a little longer, and allow the awareness which the key would unlock to surface.

I was a little confused by the key which I had been given. I was debating what I was supposed to do with the key which I had been given.

God said, "Do not be concerned, there is nothing further that you need to do. You have experienced what you have needed to experience, in respect of the key which you have now been given."

I asked, "And what was that?"

"Trust In God, and allow everything to happen."


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I discussed several issues with God. I asked if I could know exactly when I could get my news of a financial solution which would allow everything to come together.

"Within twenty four hours, but do not look for a financial solution. Do all you have planned, and a financial solution will come to you."

I was still attempting to understand the precise purpose of my experiences during the previous few days.

"You will understand the purpose of all of your experiences with hindsight."

That night my right leg ached exactly where my right leg had been broken two thousand years ago. I did not know why.

Every time that I found myself starting to worry, I recalled Anne's first message that it was all right to worry, and then I stopped worrying. I awoke in the early hours of the morning and I decided to get up and work for awhile. I continued to experience mixed feelings. If I hoped that everything was coming together, and I attempted to be positive, I would be disappointed. If I took the view that everything was probably was not coming together, I was scared that I was being negative.

Later I slept again. When I awoke I got the point. I knew what purpose of my experiences had been. The physical nature of our conscious self is important. The physical environment surrounding job, home, and life in general should be understood, but not neglected.


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I had not exactly left job, home, and life in general unattended, mainly because I recalled Sitting Crow's warning. However, despite heeding Sitting Crow's warning, I had created an environment to put pressure on myself.

I had not done any real damage. I could scrape out of my difficulties if my environment came to the crunch. However, I had made my environment more difficult for myself. I began to become concerned that I had somehow 'blown it', and that everything would not come together.

God said, "Do not worry, you have no reason for concern."

Despite God's reassurance, my concern grew. I became nervous and unsure what to do next. I could not understand why. I suspect I was scared that everything would not come together, and in a perverse way, I was also scared that everything would come together.

"It will happen today."

I was not convinced.

"You are scared to ask for my promise in case everything does not come together, but I give you my promise that everything will come together. Is it not the last minute?"

I said, "I believe that it is the last minute, but what do I do if everything does not come together today, do I give up hope?"

"If everything does not come together today, you will not give up hope."

I knew that God was right. I considered that maybe I was to experience 'blowing it' through not paying enough attention to the physical plane.


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"What damage could any do to you that would surpass what you have done to yourself? You have put yourself through much torture, due to the pressure which you have created. I told you not to worry about your financial position time and time again, to allow you to build pressure upon yourself, and experience that the earth plane cannot be neglected. You have completed your task from within your circumstances, to ensure that you would experience that the earth plane cannot be neglected. I have not set you up for a fall. Look at your experiences another way, no matter what I have thrown at you, no matter how difficult I have made your journey, you have not deserted me. Do you really think that I would desert you now?

"You have not neglected your earth plane responsibilities. All that you have done, is create an environment of putting sufficient pressure upon yourself, to ensure that you would experience that the earth plane cannot be neglected. Did I not tell you there would be subtle reminders, but no lessons?

"You knew that your responsibilities on the earth plane should not be neglected, and even when your earth plane responsibilities were neglected, it was only for short periods. The knowledge that your earth plane responsibilities should not be neglected, which you have been attempting to balance against the knowledge of reality, is the truth. You nearly tore yourself in two trying to balance your seemingly conflicting knowledge. You have assumed that you were in error, that you were wrong in what you have done, when in fact your actions were correct.


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"Consider all that you have done. You were able to maintain your job, despite everything which was occurring by doing good quality work and achieving results. Your business partners may not have been happy that you were suffering from severe stress, but even then you did continue to work. Your business partners may have not been happy that you did not attend the office, but not attending the office was balanced because you delivered results when those who attended the office did not deliver results. When you consider your character, it makes it difficult for you not to take on problems. Your vision of what was happening within the business was clear and correct. That you carry on within the business at all, is a testament to your strength. You did not want to be within the business, because it pained you to see what was occurring, but you remained within the business, because you knew that your earth plane responsibilities were important.

"In fact, we created an environment which gave you every reason not to be within the business, but you remained within the business because of your earth plane responsibilities. Just two days ago you attempted to understand how you got yourself in the financial position which you are in, and you could not. The financial position which you are in, is not something which you have consciously created, the financial position which you are in is something which was created around you, for the purpose of understanding. You were not irresponsible.

"Consider where your concerns lie, your family's home, the commitment and obligation which your soulmate has undertaken, through the necessity of her environment, to meet you when I have said that you will meet.

"You know that if I told you to give up everything you own tomorrow, you would give up everything you own. However, you know that you have a responsibility to others.


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"How much easier would your task have been without your responsibility to others? All that you wanted was to be left alone to come to terms with what was happening to you, was it not? Did you not resist your temptation to walk away, because of your earth plane responsibilities?

"It concerned you greatly that your business partners and others were less than impressed with you, but even so you knew that they were getting their money's worth.

"Do not underestimate how much strength of character you have needed. All of the times when you were told that you were strong, by those to whom you turned when your journey first began, and you felt lost and alone, were messages from me. Those to whom you turned did not turn their backs, as you supposed at the time.

"Consider all that you have endured. Have you not been an example that earth plane responsibilities should, and can be maintained when searching for the truth? Each soul's circumstances are different and your learning curve was concentrated. The coming together of everything, as you have called it, will also be concentrated.

"How many times did I tell you that you were being too hard on yourself? How many times did I tell you that you would not affect the outcome of your experiences, because the outcome of your experiences had been foreseen? You knew that all you would effect was your peace. You have experienced both sides of this coin through worrying, and not worrying exactly as you were meant to experience both sides of this coin, and exactly as it was foreseen that you would experience both sides of this coin."

I remained nervous. I remained tense, and I was unable to relax. I supposed that I had been allowed to build my hopes up, and I had been let down too often, to be convinced that all would be well. I did know that whatever the outcome, I would certainly experience the event.

"Go now, collect your money and enjoy your life."


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I retained my doubts.

"I promise you that a lottery ticket will be the way in which you will resolve your financial difficulties, even though I told you that a lottery ticket was not the way in which you will resolve your financial difficulties previously. If I had told you the truth, your knowledge would have altered your experiences. You are right that a lottery is now the only way left open to you to bring everything together in time."

I could not calm down. I was nervous and I was tense, but I did not think for a minute that God's promised would not be fulfilled.

I could see that I would need every bit of the remaining three weeks before I left to meet Katerina, and I could see all that I needed to do. I could also see how I could do many of the things that I needed to do, and I could see myself doing them.

My nervousness and tension were only on the surface. Beneath the surface I was very calm and confident. I knew that the solution to my difficulties would be presented. The day dragged on. I did what I was told, but nothing happened, I did not win any money in a lottery. I was okay with what transpired that day for some time, but frustration and despair overtook me. All of my old doubts returned. I attempted to tell myself that my environment was proof that I was delusional, that none of my experiences were real, but I failed. I knew better. I could not accept that God would break God's promise to me, and I could not understand why God's promise would not be fulfilled. I had been given this environment. My environment had been brought about by following instructions from God, not by any other means. It was not as if I had gone my own merry way, and ignored what I had been told.

I could not understand what I was meant to do. My frustration grew, and all of my physical pains which came with my frustration intensified. I considered that perhaps I should just kill myself afterall, and be done with it, but I knew that suicide was not the answer. Like the delusional issue, I threw suicide in for consideration, and immediately discarded the option of suicide. The issue which amazed me most, was that at no time did I seriously consider giving up my journey. No matter what happened, I knew that I would keep going.


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Every time that I felt my frustration start to lift, I would bring my frustration back. I was really feeling, really experiencing it, what 'it' was. So there I was, finally having reached the summit, stumbling around, falling over and desperately trying to get back on my feet. Each time I managed to pull myself upright, I would stumble again. I was on my hands and knees begging God to pick me up and tell me why I continued to stumble. At no stage did I turn my back and tell God what to do with himself. I pathetically tried to claw myself up, asking for help which did not arrive.

Throughout the experience I continually thought; 'this does not make sense'. I reviewed a very little of my notes. I felt there was something within my notes which I was supposed to see, but I was damned if I could see whatever it was.

Once again, I had chosen to put myself through hell when I was on the verge of reaching heaven. I tried everything that I could to relax, but nothing quite worked.

God spoke, "You have my promise that the solution to your difficulties will happen today, and you will know that the solution to your difficulties has happened today."

I attempted to open communication with God, but my headache began to manifest itself, so I knew that I was on my own.

My frustration would not go, and nothing that I tried would lift my frustration.

There was one potential solution to my financial difficulties, I could scrape through, barely. That left Katerina, unless everything came together I could see no way of meeting Katerina. I reflected on all that had occurred around Katerina, especially on the warning which I had received to commit to nothing without referral to 'the source'. I had referred to God, both from within and via Sue. I had done exactly what 'the source' had told me to do.


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I knew that if Katerina and I were meant to be together, Katerina and I would be together, and I knew that Katerina and I were meant to be together. If Katerina and I were not meant to be together I could not see how we could have possibly reached this point or why. It made no sense. If God had just taken me to here to let me down, and to put me through what I was now experiencing, who would follow this path? I could not understand why anyone would have chosen to endure what I was enduring, but I had chosen to endure what I was enduring. I did not know if I could continue enduring what I had been enduring, but I knew that I would endure.

It was as if I had chosen to endure this experience to prove my faith, to myself.

I sat in my study with an absolutely beautiful sun washing over me. I felt warm and strangely confident. I had known I would be taken to the brink, and that all would come together at the last minute, because being taken to the brink is what I had chosen. I did not know exactly what my choice would require me to experience.

I did not know, and could not see how everything could possibly come together now. Logically, it was too late for everything to come together, but somehow I knew that everything would come together.

As I endured, I remembered Jesus and what I had witnessed Jesus endure. I knew I had chosen to endure my experience, because I had witnessed Jesus' experience, and I had blamed myself for what Jesus had endured. I had chosen my experience because I had believed that I was the cause of Jesus' experience. I now knew that I was not the cause of Jesus' experience. I now knew that Jesus' experience was Jesus' choice, but I had needed to experience this understanding for myself. The connection to Jesus' experience is why my right leg had ached the previous day, and why my right leg ached again at this moment. My right leg ached from where my right leg had been broken, in my lifetime with Jesus.


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The connection to Jesus' experience was why the chapter which I had reviewed the previous evening, was the chapter where I had discovered my identity. My experience was my final penance, and I had chosen my experience. However, through the experience I was now aware that a final penance was totally unnecessary. Jesus had chosen his own experience. I had chosen my own experience, because I had blamed myself for Jesus' choice, but my experience was unnecessary. As I finally allowed this awareness to surface, as I finally understood the true cause of my frustration, my frustration lifted, but my physical memories from my crucifixion intensified.

I remembered thinking that God had not forsaken Jesus, I had. Even after I had released myself from my guilt, I had not released myself from my final penance. I prayed that Judas Iscariot had finally understood that Jesus' choice was not his responsibility, and that I would have to suffer, to feel, to experience no more penance on his, on my behalf.

I knew that after Jesus 'rose from the dead', Jesus had found 'heaven on earth'. I had witnessed the remainder of Jesus' life from the spirit plane. That Jesus' life continued was not reported often, and when Jesus' life after the resurrection was reported, the facts were distorted by those who wrote about the post resurrection part of Jesus' life, many years after Jesus returned to the higher plane.

Surely Judas was now resurrected. Sitting in that beautiful sunshine I felt God smiling at me. I gazed out and again saw through the illusion of the earth plane.

I looked at the paper on which I was writing, and I saw the tree from which the paper came. I looked at the coffee in front of me, and I saw the texture of the cup underneath the polished exterior. I saw the individual molecules of water and milk inside the cup. However, something was still not quite right.

Late that afternoon I finally broke.


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  I sat on the edge of my bed and I sobbed in despair. I did not care whether I had created my environment or not. I did not deserve to have all my dreams to fall apart again and I refused to accept that my dreams would fall apart.

I released nothing. I achieved nothing, but I certainly felt great despair. I had finally been pushed to the breaking point. I walked for a while. I was surprised that I had maintained my enlightenment. I still saw the beauty of the world. My mind for the most part was blank, as I struggled to allow myself to relax.

By late evening, I decided to send a note to Nancy explaining what I was experiencing. When I had taken a similar approach, and explained to somebody else what I was experiencing, in the past, I had often found the point which I was missing.

My approach worked. My earth plane problems were not real. My earth plane problems were only a tool created to allow me to experience, what I had chosen to experience for spiritual reasons. The answer was that simple.

Once more I considered if my experiences could all be an illusion, but if my experiences were an illusion, I had arranged with numerous psychics, clairvoyants and Tarot readers to go along with my illusion. If I had been able to arrange with numerous psychics, clairvoyants and Tarot readers to go along with my illusion, my experiences could not have been an illusion.

It was two am and I could not sleep. I decided to work for awhile. Evelyn was with me, as Evelyn had been with me throughout my ordeal of the previous few days. I worked a little, and I decided to attempt to get some answers. I was awake for a reason.

I said, "I cannot understand why you misled me."

God replied, "How else could I have assisted you to create the environment which you needed. Anything less than a promise would have caused you to doubt."


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  "Perhaps, but I still cannot understand. Everything which you give me, every sign, every event, every word leads me in one direction, but nothing happens. There is no solution in sight."

"Because the solution is not in sight, does not mean that the solution does not exist."

"I am sorry, but I am tired of your word games. I do not mean to offend you, but you broke me today, and I do not know why it was necessary to break me."

"You know that you do not offend me. It was necessary to break you, because you chose to experience being broken."

"So now you will tell me that I chose to be broken, because I chose the difficult path of the example, right?"


"Well, that I chose to be the example is not good enough. That I chose to be the example is your answer for everything."

"That you chose to be the example, is the answer for everything."

"Okay, but I am tired, and I am fed up. Quite frankly I cannot take any more, and I do not understand what more is required."

"Nothing is required, except for you to allow everything to be."

"As far as I am concerned, I am allowing everything to be."

"You are not allowing everything to be, you are looking for a solution to your difficulties."

"Yes I am looking for a solution to my difficulties. I need a solution to my difficulties. All I seem to receive from you at the moment, is contradiction."

"You wanted to know how far you could be pushed before you broke, and if being broken would make you discontinue your journey."

"If you say so, I guess I did. We certainly have those answers now."

"Yes you do have those answers now, I already knew the answers."


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  "I do not have any problems with all that you have told me about existence, but when it comes to me, and matters relating to me, I struggle. I sometimes think I am experiencing the events which I can control, and the events which I cannot control do not happen."

"You are partially correct. You are experiencing events, but you can control all events."

"You keep telling me that everything will work out, and deep down I know that everything will work out. However, I keep torturing myself. Everything seems to be a contradiction. I am told to do nothing, I am told everything is coming together. I am told about planes landing and nothing happens, nothing. Time and time again there is no solution to my difficulties. I am told that the earth plane is all an illusion, so I think that perhaps I need to learn that I should not be concerned about the earth plane. I am subsequently told that I should be concerned about my earth plane responsibilities. I want to know what is going on. I feel like I am being told 'free beer tomorrow', and tomorrow never arrives."

"Now that is a question. Firstly there is a lot happening, and you are experiencing all that is happening. For you to experience all that is happening, we need to create an environment, which must become increasingly difficult to create, because of your increasing awareness. You are right in knowing that all will be well, you only need to be a little patient."

"A little patient? I have been patient. All you are saying is tomorrow."

"If I said today, would you believe me?"

"No, I would not."


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"No, but you would spend your time looking for the solution to your difficulties, and cursing when you did not find the solution to your difficulties."

"I have not blamed you, I have only sought to understand."

"You are right, you have not blamed me. All you need to understand you know. Worry only about the moment, and I will look after the rest."

"I know what you say is right. However, I find it so very difficult to worry only about the moment, when the pressure is mounting. I understood that I was supposed to plan for the future, and live the moment."

"You have done more than plan for the future, you have created the future."

"Yes, but at this stage the future is still a promise, and my immediate problems are now."

"No, you have postponed your problems. Worry about your problems then, not now."

"I have been stalling, postponing and juggling for nearly a year now. I cannot continue to stall, postpone and juggle for much longer."

"No, you cannot continue to stall, postpone and juggle for much longer, and you will not have to stall, postpone and juggle for much longer."

"I wish I could believe that."

"You can."

"I do not know what to believe."

"Believe yourself."


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  "I have lost confidence in myself, all I am led to is more and more pain."

"More pain is what you have chosen. If you desire to avoid the pain, simply choose to be at peace."

"I have chosen to be at peace, but my peace does not last."

"You did not allow your peace to last. You look and look for a solution to your difficulties, and lose your peace when you do not find a solution to your difficulties. You discovered long ago that you could not find anything by looking, you need to allow whatever you seek to come to you. Allow what you seek to come to you now. It is time to apply your knowledge."

"I will try."

"No, do not try, just do it."

The following morning, God spoke to me immediately. "What you most need to understand is that when something has been foreseen, there is nothing at all that you must do, because it has been foreseen what you will do. All that you need to do, is go about your business, and allow whatever it is to occur. Allow is really that simple. If I were to tell you precisely how an event would happen, you would do something different. You would alter your decisions, and you would effect the outcome of events.


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"You are now concerned that you will struggle with what is normal in any given set of circumstances. Okay, so struggle if you choose. That you would know what you now know was known. That you would endure what you have just endured was known. You are aware of nothing that will change the outcome of events, because I will not allow you to be aware of anything which will alter your chosen experience. Do not worry about each choice which you make. You cannot make a choice that will affect the outcome of events because the outcome of events is foreseen, as are your choices. You have not made an incorrect choice so far, you have only made the choices which were foreseen. Have no concern that you will do something that will change foreseen events, because you do not have sufficient information to change foreseen events.

"Once many years ago, you were told of something which would come to pass if you avoided certain actions. This time you are not given any ifs or buts. You are simply being told to do nothing, and what is foreseen will happen. If your current level of awareness was foreseen, so were your actions.

"As I have said to you, what will occur will occur regardless of your actions, so you have no reason to fear. You have nothing to be concerned about. I explained that what would occur, would occur whether you worried or not. All that you could now choose, was what you would endure while you waited."


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  I was a little concerned, I now had some choices to make. I was presented with two possible temporary solutions which would bring everything together. However, the choices which I now had could only provide a temporary solution to my difficulties, albeit solutions which would remove the 'time' pressure. If the two possible temporary solutions came into being, it would mean that I just scraped through. I did not want to scrape through, again. I wanted to change that experience.

Both temporary solutions to my difficulties would involve agreement from another party, and both temporary solutions to my difficulties, therefore depended on fate. I would attend to one temporary solution to my difficulties today, and the other temporary solution to my difficulties either today, or later in the week. If both temporary solutions to my difficulties were agreed to, I would be deeper in debt, but the pressure would be relived temporarily.

I was inclined to attend to neither temporary solution to my difficulties, but I was concerned that my judgement was impaired, so I put what was to occur in the hands of fate.

I saw a third option which could help resolve my difficulties, albeit temporarily. The third temporary solution to my difficulties would involve more debt, and the third temporary solution to my difficulties, would also need to be left to fate.

I continued to battle with the three potential temporary solutions to my difficulties. Two of the potential temporary solutions to my difficulties would allow me to scrape through, and the third potential temporary solution to my difficulties, would make my position a little more comfortable. It pained me that all three were options were available from the start, and if the three potential temporary solutions to my difficulties were to be the solution to my difficulties, I had punished myself for nothing. However, I had been led to believe that the three potential temporary solutions to my difficulties, were not the solution to my difficulties.

The three potential temporary solutions to my difficulties, could certainly occur within the time frame to which I had committed based upon guidance from God.


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  I knew that everything was as everything was meant to be. I had nothing to lose by pursuing the three potential temporary solutions to my difficulties. If the three potential temporary solutions to my difficulties occurred, they would resolve my immediate problems, and postpone my worries for a few months, which hopefully would be long enough for what I had apparently created, to come into being. If the three potential temporary solutions to my difficulties did not occur, I was no worse off than I was now.

I could not say that I was happy with the prospect of being further in debt, or continuing to live on the promise of tomorrow.

God said, "So a solution to your difficulties has presented itself. A day later than I promised, but you were so busy looking in the wrong place, that you did not allow the solution to present itself.

"You still seek the magical moment when all will come together, but for you such a magical moment will not occur. Allow everything to happen, allow everything to build around you. You have planned for tomorrow, you have prepared for your future, and you have created a new environment. Do not look for what you have created. Allow what you have created to come to you. There is always a solution for you. You always worry for nothing. Allow everything to be. Now that you have opened yourself to all possibilities, you have seen solutions to other difficulties as well."

Of the three potential temporary solutions to my difficulties which I had, one potential temporary solution to my difficulties was agreed prior to lunchtime, easily and with no fuss. This first temporary solution to my difficulties would solve my immediate problems with overdue accounts, and also allow me to repay what Katerina had borrowed. The second potential temporary solution to my difficulties occurred without a hitch as well. Between the first two temporary solutions to my difficulties, I would just scrape through. I never fully approached the third potential temporary solution to my difficulties. Events had changed some things.

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  Suddenly, everything was going a little more smoothly. A little later I made another telephone call, and unexpectedly Nancy offered to pay my airfares. Jane rang and also offered to lend me some money. What surprised me about the money which my friends leant to me, was that I had not asked either for assistance.

I received another message for Nancy, and I was instructed to write to Katerina again, confirming arrangements.

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