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Searching for My Soul
Book Three Understanding My Destiny

Stepping Onto The Summit


I had indeed been given something to think about.

God said, "Did you not realise that it takes much pure love to accept that you can do nothing, but provide a little guidance here and there? Do you not think that I feel exactly the same? I am not torn and I am not frustrated, because I am aware that providing a little guidance here and there is the only way. You also know that providing a little guidance here and there is the only way, and you have instinctively known this for some time.

"You were told so often that you were wrong, but you were told just as often that you were right. You chose to listen to those who said you were wrong, because you must have been wrong, you knew you were unworthy, didn't you?

"Now you know that you are worthy, and you know that you are right and not just because I have said so. You are aware that you are right, and you are aware that you are aware, because you have applied your awareness. It is through the application of your awareness that you have come to understand.

"The reason why you are torn and become frustrated, is that you are attached to the earth plane. Do not expect too much from yourself. You have to experience feeling torn and frustrated from a position of awareness, before you can release your feeling of being torn and frustrated. Do you not recall that Jesus, for example, and other masters felt torn and frustrated?"


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I spent most of the day reflecting. By night time I became despondent. I wondered if I should have accepted the money which was available to me, instead of using the money to repay part of a debt, which I was under no pressure to pay. Perhaps that was how God intended to provide, and I had 'blown' it.

I was running out of time, and nothing seemed to be happening. However, deep down I knew that everything would somehow work out.

I was struggling to retain my peace, and I could not understand why I was struggling to retain my peace. I had been very much in touch with my 'spiritual' side, and I had seen much very clearly. I seemed to be trapped within my lower self, although strangely, I was not out of phase. I did not know what was happening.

God explained, "You are again experiencing your humanity. When you are operating on three planes, it is easy to lose sight of your attachment to the earth plane. What you are experiencing is a subtle reminder that you remain attached to the earth plane, and that you must exist within the illusion of the earth plane."

I could see that I had again rationalised the 'details' of how everything would work out, and I had caused myself difficulties when events had not developed in the way that I had rationalised.

I knew that I had much awareness close to the surface, and I knew that I was trying too hard to retrieve the awareness which I could not quite reach. I needed to relax and allow my awareness to surface.


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Suddenly, I lost my peace. My peace was gone. Every nerve in my body was on edge. I was a mess. It was a feeling that I had not experienced for a long time, certainly not with the intensity which I felt at that moment. I did not like the implication at all. I did not know what was causing my nerves to be on edge, although from my previous experiences it was nothing good. I did not understand why my nerves had become on edge. I could not even begin to understand what had occurred. I did not feel alone or lonely. I did not feel anything, except restless. I wanted to do something, but there was nothing to do. I tried searching my feelings for the cause of my nerves becoming on edge, but I could not find any specific reason why my nerves had become on edge. I pleaded with God for help, but no help was forthcoming from God or anybody else. I wanted to sleep, but I could not sleep. All that I could do was ride what I was feeling out, and experience whatever occurred. It was as if I was being pushed to the brink again, and I did not understand why.

I reflected that on the last occasion that I felt as I felt now, I had felt totally alone. This time I did not feel alone at all, which I supposed was because I had reached the summit. Another coincidental factor in what I was experiencing, was that I would not be attending the office on the following day, which was a repeat of the previous occasion when I had experienced my nerves being on edge. One thing which was different was that this time the experience had lasted for around an hour, whereas previously the experience had lasted for hours, and before that, days. As I continued to reflect, I realised that one thing which I had done incorrectly, was that I had judged myself.

I knew that I had created all of the events which had not gone 'right' in my life previously, through feeling that I was unworthy and feeling that I did not deserve things to go right. I became concerned that I was in the process of doing so again, and I remained blocked from God so I could not obtain reassurance from God. I suspected that I must be blocked from God, because I needed to handle whatever I was experiencing from the earth plane perspective. I did not feel that I was alone, I simply felt that communication with God was blocked.

I searched deep within my feelings. I did feel that I was worthy and deserving. I did not feel that anything was too good to be happening to me. I knew that whatever was going to occur, would happen and happen soon.


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My only difficulty was that I could not see how everything could come together, within the timeframe which I had been given.

I could see that it was possible that I, with God's assistance, had created an environment to give me an experience to demonstrate that I still felt unworthy, but I did not feel that this was so. I saw no reason to create such an environment. I had experienced feeling unworthy over and over again.

I entertained thoughts of my journey being a delusion, and thoughts of all of the old issues which had been used to allow me to experience not being worthy. I even felt my feelings for Marie strengthen, but none of these thoughts or feelings touched me, because I knew that the thoughts or feelings were not so.

I reflected on the pattern of the previous week. For the most part I had felt in phase but out of contact. I had needed to re-experience issue after issue and through experience, become aware of some point or other, from a perspective of the earth plane. It made a lot of sense that I had needed to re-experience these issues, and in so doing remove whatever was left of the issues from my conscious self. I knew that each time that I became consciously aware of a point, the symptoms of my troubles would lift, and a peace would descend over me.

It was apparent that the peace which descended over me was the peace of the summit. I was discarding whatever old feelings and emotions remained within me, as I took the step onto the summit. I did not know how many more old feelings and emotions, I needed to discard, or how long the process of discarding old feelings and emotions would take.


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On reflection, I knew that I usually became aware of a process, as I completed the specific process, and often did not consciously know what was occurring during the process. Having endured a particularly difficult and intense period, I was not surprised that Anne rang, exactly when I needed her morale support.

I realised that what I had once referred to as my 'learning cycle', and now knew as the awareness process, still applied. I had not assumed that the awareness process would not apply, but I had not given the awareness process a thought.

I reviewed everything that I knew about how and why we create our environments. I was attempting to determine if I was doing something incorrectly, or more accurately doing something which would indicate that I was really seeking to gain an experience, other than the experienced which I believed that I was working towards.

God said, "You are doing fine."

The more that I reflected, the more that I could see that I had been facing past issues again, but from the position of awareness, and also from the perspective of the earth plane, without direct assistance from the other parts of my trinity. I was not really concerned that I struggled at times, because when I had struggled, whatever the issue was had remained with me, until I dealt with the issue by understanding the point that was being made, which meant becoming consciously aware of the point that was being made.

I knew that the only way to become consciously aware, was to apply awareness. The application of awareness is a very positive experience, and I could not understand why I was experiencing this current difficult period.


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I decided to ask God a direct question, "Am I thinking too much?"

God replied, "Yes."

"I do not think that my thinking too much, is conscious thought"

"No, your thought is subconscious. Your thought has been placed in your mind, so that you can draw from your experiences."

"So how can I be thinking too much?"

"You are not flowing with what is being placed in your mind, you are analysing what you are being given. To analyse you must consciously think, and therefore you are thinking too much."

"So, what do I do?"

"Allow the thoughts to be in your mind, flow with the thoughts, but do not analyse the thoughts."

I was able to communicate with God again, and we discussed several points about what had been occurring.

"If you feel like doing something, do that something, or ask my advice, but do not consciously think about that something. When you consciously think about something that you feel like doing, you analyse what you feel. Do not trust your conscious thoughts, your conscious thoughts will deceive you. If a thought is placed in your mind, flow with that thought, allow that thought to take you where that thought will take you. Do not attempt to disperse the thought. If you disperse the thought, the thought will keep returning, until you flow with the thought."


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There had been a workman using a jackhammer outside my home for two days, and the noise was really starting to annoy me.

"Do not attempt to block the noise, by attempting to block the noise, you are retaining the noise. Relax and allow the noise pass through you. Flow with the noise, instead of fighting with the noise."

I did as I was instructed. The noise did not disappear, the noise passed through me without my retaining the noise. I knew that if I continued to allow the noise to pass through me, I would soon not be aware that the noise was passing through me.

I said, "I am aware, and I know what will occur at all three levels of my being, but I continue to struggle with the prospect of what will occur, not occurring, why is this?"

"What will occur is simply beyond your experience. You have experienced everything not quite working out, but you are yet to experience everything working out exactly. You are searching in your subconscious for experience which you do not have, and therefore experience which you cannot find."

I allowed the colours to wash over me. First one colour and then another colour until I felt my connection being fully opened again. Evelyn was with me, Evelyn's crystals flashed all around me. The air literally pulsated with Evelyn's movements.

I was not surprised that I was immediately tested in respect of not analysing my experiences, but flowing with my experiences. I allowed myself to flow with my thoughts.

During a conversation about the business, at first I started to think that I was being negative, but I stopped thinking and I allowed the conversation to flow. Afterwards, I realised that I was receiving confirmation, that there was nothing I could do to resolve the problems within the business.


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Suddenly, I was in trouble again. I was on the edge of despondency, my nerves were on edge although not as intensely as my nerves had been on edge the previous night. I pleaded with God for help.

God said, "I cannot help, this time you must experience."

"What am I to do?"

"Do nothing."

I talked to God out loud. I asked God what was happening? Why was I being taken down this path? Why was I told that the promise would be kept, but my experiences were not easy? What did I have to experience? I continued asking questions through desperation. Why did I have to be pushed so far, if the promise was a promise to me? Had I not achieved what I had been asked to? Did I not live with my soul, and within pure love? Was I being too hard on myself? Was I wrong to want to experience joy? I did not know what I was supposed to experience. My head was throbbing and my headache was becoming a migraine. I wanted to know how much more I needed to endure. How much more I could endure? I asked God to take my life, if my life was what God wanted. I could not believe I had come this far, and had reached the summit to experience despair and desperation.

Suddenly I smelled Katerina's perfume. I thought; 'no, it must be a flower or something outside' but it was definitely perfume. Katerina's spirit was with me, Katerina's spirit embraced me and said, "Do not worry, I love you."

Immediately my headache eased, and I began to feel at peace again. A little later I recalled that this was exactly how Jesus had felt. I knew I was destined to take every wrong path, but at that moment a choice to take every wrong path, every dead end and every detour seemed like a very inadequate explanation.

The remainder of the day was spent hovering between peace and non-peace, but not quite one or the other.

I continued to search my soul, there was no doubt that everything which had occurred was real. There was no doubt that God had sometimes led me to experience. Sometimes, I was led to experience trusting myself. There was a difference between general experience, and experience in trusting myself. However, this time I had God's promise, and I knew within myself that God's promise was true.


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I knew that telling me something, or leading me to believe something was one thing, but God's promise was another thing. So I struggled on, I did not feel alone and I did not feel out of phase. I felt like I was closed off, as if I needed to handle and experience whatever I was experiencing, on my own, and from the perspective of the earth plane which I was experiencing.

I felt that I was staring at the edge of the mirror. Somewhere between what I had long believed was my promise to God, and what I had subsequently understood was God's promise to me. I knew that my current environment was of my own creation.

I considered my environment from all angles. My environment was obviously created to allow me to experience something. All three of my problems, which were the basis of my environment, were able to be resolved with one event. If just one of the three parts of my environment were not present, the other two parts of my environment could be resolved far easier. I had no doubt that all three parts of my environment were necessary, to place me in the position which I was in.

Most of the problems which I was faced with at that time, related to timing. I had barely enough time to attend to what I needed to attend to, and that time was fast running out. If I had not involved Katerina in making a major commitment, it would have been easy for me to deal with the situation. Everywhere I turned, the pressure was staring me in the face.

I knew that my problems were an illusion. My problems were only on the earth plane, and I knew that my problems could all be related to chosen experience both for myself and for others. However, my problems did feel real.

I was not seeking proof of anything, proof was not necessary. Nor was I seeking rewards for what I had been asked to do. I had stumbled as I had stepped onto the summit, and I knew that I had stumbled as I had stepped onto the summit, because others would stumbled as they stepped onto the summit.


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The problem was, and would remain, that I was attached to the earth plane. As such I needed to maintain my existence within the illusion, even though I had the ability to see through the illusion.

I searched my soul long and deep looking for any knowledge which I could find, that everything would not 'come together' to produce the 'heaven on earth' which I had been promised. I could not find any such knowledge. I knew that I would find 'heaven on earth'. The problem was that everything was not 'coming together' to allow me to find 'heaven on earth'.

I could see that as my awareness increased, more and more earth plane pressures were required to affect me, and as such the earth plane pressures which I faced continued to grow. I knew that many faced such pressures, and that the earth plane pressures would make the path of many difficult. I knew that I had to continue my journey, despite the mounting pressure. I considered how I would truly react if everything fell apart from here, and I knew that I would 'do it tough'. I knew that I would experience everything that went with my world falling apart once more, and I knew that I would continue on my journey, to become one with all.

I understood that I had gained much experience, and that I understood much more, just from the previous week of events. I knew that I was supposed to flow, and allow everything to happen, and for the most part I did flow and allow everything to happen. I acted only when I was told to act in respect of the pressures around me, but I could not find my peace, permanently.

As far as I could tell, I was not looking for something external to deliver my peace. What was happening, and what would happen had been created from within. What I was to experience had been arranged from within, and even though what was going to happen required an external solution, I was only looking for the solution which I had created.

I did not see what was happening at the time, but many of my difficulties were caused because I was looking for the solution, instead of allowing the solution to occur.


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There was nothing more for me to do, other than to wait and to experience. I understood that experience is a two sided coin, and that I needed to experience. I understood that the only way to really experience was from within the earth plane.

I was standing on the summit watching a coin which had been thrown in the air. Each time the coin turned I would experience whatever side faced me. I was waiting for the coin to land, and I would experience whatever I needed to experience when the coin landed.

I had assumed that once I stepped onto the summit, all of my difficulties would disappear which is precisely what will happen for many, but I had forgotten or overlooked my choice to be an example. I had tripped, casting my coin into the air. If I had seen that I would trip, I would have stepped over whatever had tripped me, and not experienced that even on reaching the summit, it is possible to trip.

Having understood what had happened in the context of the journey up the mountain which had been created to illustrate the journey in a way that those on the earth plane could follow, I then began to wonder if my understanding was no more than a convenient excuse.

I had now picked myself up after my fall, and I stood watching the coin, waiting for the coin to land.

I asked, "Have I understood what has happened."

God replied, "You have understood exactly what has happened."


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"I do not really understand what happened. You told me that everything would fall into place. You told me that my plane had landed, but I could not see the passenger whom I was waiting for, so why haven't I seen the passenger yet?"

"How could you see one passenger in a crowded airport, when you were on your hands and knees having fallen over?"

I reviewed what I knew about creating my own environment. I reviewed how creation worked. I reviewed why creation worked. I reviewed how it was easier and more constructive to create an environment from a position of awareness, with the trinity in unison. I was attempting to determine if there was something which I had done incorrectly, something which I had missed, some point which I had overlooked.

"You were the one who chose to have everything 'come together', as you put it, at the last moment."

"And it is not the last moment?"

"No, you have time yet."

"Can I change what I have chosen?"

God took some time to reply. I knew that I was blocking God's answer, I was scared that God would say no, and I was scared that God would say yes. I was in fear of facing disappointment again.

God was ambiguous, "Changing what you have chosen is up to you, release your fears, your fears are an illusion."

I was told to write to both Rose and Katerina with messages which were in completely different context to each other. I did as I was told.


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Anne rang and, as usual, Anne had a message for me; 'Do not be concerned about worrying, worry is human nature, but you know that everything will work out.' It was no coincidence that Anne had rung, just as I started worrying again.

It was a quiet day. I relaxed and I enjoyed the peace and quiet. I could slowly feel the three parts of my trinity starting to work in unison again.

I reflected on my identity. I knew that some would dispute my identity with every ounce of their being. I knew that whether another embraced or disputed my identity would not matter. I was not asking for anything from anyone, nor was I asking anyone to embrace what I have said. All that I have done is report what I have experienced.

I considered the possibility of having to remain in my old world, and how I could cope with the difficulties within my old world. I recalled all of the times in my life when I had proven that something could be done, by simply doing that something. I knew I could do that something again, whatever that something was. I had no fear in respect of my ability to get the job done from a business perspective. I also knew that the business perspective would not be my path. I knew that the business perspective was not to be my path, not through fear, but through choice.

As I relaxed, I began to see clearly that the pattern of the previous year was still very much in operation. The process was circular. I would have a period of peace and great understanding where my awareness would grow at a tremendous rate. I would follow this with a period of enforced solitude where I would struggle and have difficulty as I experienced, whatever I experienced and battled to understand the true nature of what I was experiencing. This would always be a difficult time for me, although each time I experienced enforced solitude, the experience was shorter and easier than the time before. It was during this time of enforced solitude that I would battle my doubts and feel alone. I would pay less attention to myself, and my home. All I would want to do is be alone. This was the time which I had just endured, and now I was picking myself up again, caring for myself, and doing little things around my home.


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I was now starting my period of peace and relaxation, where I would allow my new awareness to surface. Next I would be at peace and spend time with people. My period of new awareness and understanding would then occur, only to be followed by another period of enforced solitude and doubt.

I think that I had not recognised my difficult period so easily this time, because my difficulties had contained many periods of peace, which had not previously occurred. The pattern was apparent, but the pattern had not been so distinct, or so clear as the pattern had been previously.

I suspected that the pattern may continue for a while longer with each difficult period becoming less intense and shorter in duration. As I reflected on the previous week or so, it was as if the pattern had repeated itself a number of times within what a month earlier, would have been one difficult period.


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I was impatient, everything seemed to be happening so slowly but in reality the previous six months had been a blur. I would recall an event which seemed like an age ago, and realise that the event had only occurred two weeks earlier. I suspected that I had become so used to everything happening at a frantic pace, that when I was given two or three days breathing space, the two or three days felt like two or three months.

I guess I could best describe the experience as my spiritual self being on fast forward, and my physical self operating at normal speed. Time, of course, did not exist for my higher self. To the part of me which existed within the earth plane, everything to do with the earth plane seemed to be in slow motion. Spiritually, everything raced by unaffected by time.


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