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Searching for My Soul
Book Three Understanding My Destiny

A Time Of Reflection


I reflected on all that had occurred. I knew that despite everything which I had experienced, I continued to push what I had created away.

I was still looking to God, to my higher self for answers when I was not happy with my environment, but I needed to look to my lower self. It was my conscious self which was causing my difficulties. I knew that everything that was occurring was to gain experience, and I knew that I needed to become consciously aware of who I am, through becoming consciously aware of who I am not.

I knew that I was pure love, but I was not quite consciously aware that I was pure love, because I still had some excess components of who I was not to experience, and to become consciously aware of. I did not anticipate that I would become consciously aware of what remained of who I was not, and become pure love overnight. In fact, I knew that I would spend the remainder of my lifetime addressing what remained of who I was not. However, there were some aspects of my current awareness which I needed to accept now.

What I did not understand at this point, was that I would become aware of who I am, whilst I was still experiencing who I am not. Nor did I understand what was meant by 'the remainder of this lifetime'.


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I saw that my constant mistake, my constant source of frustration was my continual focus on how and when I would be able to do God's work full time. I did not want to be trapped in my old artificial world, and I knew that I was not trapped in my old artificial world. I knew that I had created my new world, and I knew I was doing God's work in a controlled environment. I needed to accept this truth, and I needed to allow events to progress at their own pace.

As I worked that day, I was surrounded by spirits. I often saw the spirits out of the corner of my eye, only to see the spirits disappear as I turned my head.

I wondered how my agent was progressing with my first book. I wondered if there was anything that I needed to do.

God had said, "Everything is on track, matters are in hand."

Following God's words I left the matter alone, and I completed what I had needed to complete prior to my trip.

I was on my way to meet Katerina. I needed to rest and relax whilst I quietly reflected on what had been, and what was to be. I spent most of the first leg of my plane journey meditating or sleeping. I seemed to be catching up on sleep, so I would be rested and refreshed.

As I reflected on all that I had been told, I knew that my experiences were real. Everything that I had been told about our purpose, our nature and the nature of the earth plane was correct. Despite all that I had experienced, and all that I was aware of, I retained some doubt that all of what had occurred, could have happened to me.


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I had no reason to doubt, because I really had nothing to doubt. All of the abilities which I had discovered within myself were available when I needed to use my abilities. I did not bother testing my abilities any more, my abilities existed and I accepted that my abilities would be available when I needed my abilities.

I spent a quiet night in Tokyo relaxing. I remained a little unwell, because I had not quite shaken my virus. My neck and back were very tight so I had a massage which helped.

I continued to reflect that night. I understood that I had been unable to take off the weight which I had put back on, to allow me to accept that Katerina loved me as I was, which in itself was a result of the many lifetimes when I had felt that I was good enough. I rang Katerina in Moscow.

After I had spoken with Katerina, God said, "All is well. You have nothing to be concerned about."

On a spiritual level I accepted that I no reason for concern, but on a conscious level I continued to question what I was doing. I was going to marry a person whom I had never met, which was not something that I would have contemplated doing. From the perspective of my higher self, I knew that everything was as everything was meant to be.

When I awoke the following morning, I continued to reflect. Once again I could see clearly that much of what was happening was to do with my role as the example. I knew that the reason why I maintained some doubt that everything which had happened, had in fact happened to me, was to keep me humble, which was necessary whilst I retained my humanity.


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I could see that my difficulties had been brought about by me attempting to make the timing of events as I wanted. I knew that the timing of events did not matter, and I knew that I needed to stop making the timing of events important, or I would experience difficulties again. It did not matter what I chose, because the end result was foreseen, but I would have preferred to avoid my difficulties.

Despite all that I had experienced, I felt no different. I felt, as I had always felt, like a normal person, which is exactly what I am. However, I did still feel like a teenager, not much more than a boy. I knew that feeling as I felt, was a part of the example. I knew that I needed to demonstrate that the more aware that we become, the less different we feel. We know that we are the same as all, and we feel the same as all, which is important. We know that we are no better than anyone else, and we do not feel that we are better than anyone else. The main difference is that we accept our experience for what our experience is, and we do not view our experiences negatively.

I had lost sight of the 'heaven on earth' which Katerina and myself would create was from within the everyday world. We would create 'heaven on earth' from within the average existence which most of us live, complete with earth plane problems and in circumstances which are less than ideal.

It was apparent that I had accepted what was occurring from the perspectives of the spirit plane, and the higher plane. I needed to fully accept what I was experiencing from the perspective of the earth plane, which in many ways was the most difficult perspective to accept.

I needed to complete my journey from within the average everyday world, to show that a spiritual journey could be completed from within an average everyday world. To be an effective example, I needed to show that I am no different to any other person, and that all can do what I have done.

My best time to meditate and receive clarity remained first thing in the morning. I had meditated and received clarity in the morning for years, although for a long time I had not understood what was happening.


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It was apparent that I needed to view each event which occurred from three perspectives, and I needed understand how each event fitted within the perspective of each plane.

That morning Katerina and I again made contact on the spirit plane. Katerina was laughing and happy.

I needed to review everything that I did from each perspective, so that I would understand my motives and gain full experience from everything that occurred. I needed to increase my awareness at a conscious, or lower self level.

God said, "The one known as Jesus was born an ordinary man and lived an ordinary lifetime for much of his 'crucifixion' lifetime. Much of what happened during Jesus' lifetime has been surrounded by myth and distortion. After Jesus became awakened to his role as a teacher becoming a master, Jesus spent many years struggling within himself, and attempting to balance his role with his everyday life, within the constraints of the earth plane. Jesus was troubled and there was much that Jesus did not understand, as he slowly came to terms with his destiny. Jesus passed on his teaching of the truth of God and existence, to all who would listen, culminating in his crucifixion.

"After the crucifixion Jesus was able to understand the truth and live a peaceful existence. During this time Jesus still counselled those around him, and Jesus guided all of those who sought his guidance.

"Jesus had many lifetimes before his teaching role, which is the way of all teachers. Jesus walked with other masters, when Jesus learned much.

"The myth that Jesus was different, special in any way is incorrect and defeats Jesus' role of an example to those who chose to follow. How could Jesus be an example, if Jesus was not the same? They say that Jesus was without sin which is true in the context that sin does not exist. All are born without sin, because sin does not exist. Jesus was no different.


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"There is a path that all who have chosen to become teachers/masters must travel. Teachers/masters must remove themselves from their world, give up all they have worked for, and undertake a period of solitude whilst their awareness awakens. It is after the period of solitude that the task which teachers/masters have chosen to perform will come to pass. Following the performance of this task, peace is retained and the joys of the earth plane are experienced.

"All masters must follow this same path. Solitude is necessary when it is time to awaken the awareness and understanding of all that is. Any who wish may discard the myth, and study the life of each master and they will see the pattern. The path of the masters is the same.

"After the task is performed, the master is then able to complete their experiences and awareness in peace, and from the perspective of the earth plane, which is important because all experience is gained on the physical plane, or by what is known as the conscious self.

"The awareness and abilities which are 'discovered' during the period of solitude, are only drawn on as and when required. This process is consistent for each master, and is the final experience of the earth plane.

"All masters have a period of what is known as suffering. All masters experience an event which causes them to look inward and awaken. You yourself experienced this through the loss of your world, and the stress which was thrust upon you, when you tried to regain your world. At that time, you came very close to ending your own life, but now you wonder what the problem was.


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"The crucifixion of the one known as Jesus was symbolic. The crucifixion of the one known as Jesus was designed to demonstrate a point, but that point has been lost. However, the truth is available to those who choose to see the truth. It was the symbol of the crucifixion, not the act which was important, as you recall from your own role during this time.

"It was documented that Jesus did not die during the crucifixion, but much of the truth has been turned into myth. Jesus did see his closest followers and others to say goodbye, because Jesus knew that he needed to leave the area. Jesus' role in his homeland was complete.

"You and I focus on Jesus because of your closeness to Jesus, and because your role in this lifetime is within the Christian or western culture, which is appropriate, because of your role as Judas.

"If any choose to view the roles of any teacher/master from any culture they will be able to draw the parallel in the path. The main differences in the path of a teacher/master is that full awareness is obtained whilst on the earth plane. For most souls full awareness is obtained on the spirit plane, after all has been experienced.

"There is no necessity for those on the earth plane to concern themselves with abortion. If a new body does not suit the purposes of the soul preparing to reincarnate, a miscarriage or an abortion will occur. As the medical knowledge of the earth plane increases, and the number of miscarriages and stillbirths decreases, abortions increase to maintain the balance and to discontinue the existence of unneeded bodies.

"Your own period of solitude will soon be over. You know that your solitude will soon be over, as you also know that your solitude was necessary. Have no fear for the future. Your task is almost complete. Your task was to be the example, and soon you will have your peace. Do not look for your peace, allow your peace to occur."


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I found it amusing that whenever I did not worry, something new manifested itself for me to worry about. I knew that my challenge was not to worry, regardless of what manifested itself for me to worry about.

As I continued to reflect, I once more became concerned about the task which I had been asked to perform. I could have simply written a book which contained all of the explanations which God had given me, and left it at that.

God said, "Explanation of the truth is not enough. It is necessary that your example be shared.

"It is through your example that all will know the truth, and that all can understand the truth. All can find what is within. Looking within is something which all can do from within their own world. Most who choose to look within, will look within over time. A little acceptance at a time. You know that you required a concentrated environment to enable your story to be told."

I considered what had been said. I understood what had been said, but I remained troubled. I could not see why the references to the masters, and my time with the masters would be necessary.

"You have walked with many masters, across all cultures. You were particularly close to the one described as the greatest master. You are known as the one who betrayed, the one who committed the greatest sin. Despite this, which is the truth, regardless of whether you or any chose to accept the truth, you are in this lifetime an ordinary man in very average circumstances. You are no different, you committed the betrayal, and still you have found God within. God is love, not punishment.

"If God is within the one who betrayed Jesus, surely God must be within all. Do you see the point which we make?


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"Your concern is how will people view 'one who claims a closeness to masters, and who claims to be the one known as Judas'. Does how people view your truth really matter? Some will accept your truth, some will not your truth, this cannot be altered."

I sat in a row of four seats by myself. I had been given space to allow me to reflect in solitude. I wondered what the other passengers would have thought if they could have seen Jesus sit down beside me. Jesus said simply, "I am here. Do not be afraid." Jesus' image was very faint, but I knew that I was not in phase.

God continued, "I say this to you, and I say this to all who would question what you say. Their questions should be directed within themselves. This is all you ask of anybody. To seek the answers within themselves. We have said 'look within' before and we will keep saying look within. If all you are saying to people is 'look within', see what is really occurring around you, see that God is within. See how God provides answers to your every question. What harm can be done? If some say your words are blasphemy, or others say your work is that of the devil, they should ask themselves what harm can come from your work. That harm can come from your work is your concern, but there is no reason for concern.

"Jesus, Moses, Sakyamuni Buddha, Mohammed were all men who became masters on the physical plane, and they all experienced many lifetimes. Do not forget this truth. As you now know, there has been many, many teachers and there will be many more teachers. Some teachers are known, some teachers are not known.

"If your role were described, your role would be that of a master locksmith, providing the keys to all who seek them.


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"Do not be concerned my friend, you have no reason for concern. You know who you are, you know who you have been. Even if you choose not to accept the truth, your lack of acceptance will not change anything.

"Having chosen to 'go it alone' for some time, are you now ready to work together again? Have you not experienced how much easier your path is when we work together? Is it not time to allow yourself to be back in phase?"

"Are you saying that I operated on a conscious level only during the previous few weeks, to experience that even from a position of awareness, it is better to exist with all three levels in phase?"

"Yes, that it is better to exist with all three levels in phase even after awareness, was something which you needed to experience, and a necessary part of the example."

"It was certainly a much easier existence when we were working together, welcome back."

"It is you who are welcomed back, I did not go anywhere.

"If you follow everything that I say, you will have no need to experience anything other than the joys of life. What you are to experience is your choice, if you choose not to follow what I say, you will choose to experience the consequences of not following what I say.


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"Remember, whilst I will provide guidance in preparation for coming events, on the whole I am only concerned with what is to occur now. Do not ask me what is to occur in the future, because you already know all that is necessary."

I arrived in England and I spent the night talking with Dorothy and Carlos. I found it fascinating that Carlos's life had gone Full Circle since I last saw him, and that Carlos had another opportunity to experience, or not experience going through the correct door, or creating another circle. I could see clearly how many people's lives were moving in circles, which was a more common pattern than I had realised.

I was able to see the need for what I had been asked to do a little clearer. With most people's lives moving in circles, it was difficult for many to see the way ahead.

I could see two of Carlos's doorways clearly. If Carlos chose the correct door, Carlos would move on, and experience what Carlos was here to experience. If Carlos did not choose the correct door, Carlos would be given another opportunity to choose the correct doorway, after travelling in a circle. The pattern had been the same in my life, and the pattern is the same for all.

At each point where we reach the doorways of awareness, which are identified by a turning point in our lives, we need to take a moment to review our experiences, and become aware of our experiences, which will allow us to follow our instinct and make a conscious decision through awareness. We will then be given an opportunity to experience applying our awareness, so that the experience is complete, and we can move on. The purpose of experience is to understand who we are not, so that we can ultimately understand who we are, which is pure love.


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  I spoke with Katerina, who had been unable to obtain her English visa, nor had Katerina been able to obtain an Australian visa. I knew that there was a reason for this difficulty, and I was hopeful that we would be able to obtain both visas in Paris.

God said, "Do not be concerned, I will guide you."

I knew that whatever the outcome, there was experience to be gained. I would follow my instinct to gain the experience which was necessary. I suspected that we now needed to experience the power of two halves reunited overcoming obstacles, but I was not committed to this theory.

It was two days before I was to meet Katerina and I was becoming nervous, which I guess was natural. Physically I was not 100%, but I knew that not being 100% would not matter. The timing of my ailments was fascinating.

I reflected on myself and my outlook. I knew that I needed to return to a spiritual outlook. As I was now aware that I needed to return to a spiritual outlook, I knew that I only needed to allow myself to return to a spiritual outlook.

That morning I asked God how everything was.

God said, "Everything is fine. You have nothing to be concerned about."


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  As I reflected on life around me with my family in England, I saw clearly the circular nature of our life.

I knew that the circular nature of our life was why I would review and finalise my books of insight, which were to become The Truth Of Reality. I was surprised that I gained a new insight that morning. It was the first direct insight which I had received for many months.

I enjoyed a quiet day which I spent in reflection. I drove into the village were my family came from, and I enjoyed the beauty of the area. I realised that I was at my happiest, when I was enjoying the simple beauty of the world.

Later that day, I received a message; 'not to rest on my laurels'.

The following morning, I awoke very early. It was the day that I was to travel to Paris. I reflected on my meeting with Katerina which would occur on the following day. I had no expectations because I had no idea what to expect. Would our first meeting be difficult or easy? Would we feel the magic of reuniting immediately? I was neither excited nor apprehensive, I was a little nervous. I had expected that I would be concerned whether we would like each other, but I was not concerned. Nor was I concerned about Katerina's visa problems. I knew that everything was as everything was meant to be.

Suddenly the additional weight which I was carrying, and the infection which had broken out on my chin did not concern me either. If anything I was matter of fact about the whole situation.

Spiritually I had closed off again. I suspected that I needed to experience our meeting at a lower or conscious level, having already experienced our meeting at both the higher and spiritual levels.

That morning, I sat quietly and I reflected on my old world. I reflected that I had not liked the environment in which I had been raised, and I saw how I had worked my whole life to alter my environment.

I had worked hard and I had achieved much. I had made a difference, and I had achieved each step along the way, until I had all but obtained my goals. In fact one more year's hard work would have really delivered everything that I had worked for.

I considered all of the problems which I had caused myself by not following my instinct, and by being afraid of rejection. I saw how I had overcome both of my lack of confidence in my instinct, and my fear of rejection, and I had finally become truly happy.

I reflected that I had almost reached the culmination of a lifetime's work. I reflected on the difficult lessons which I had faced, as I had climbed my personal ladder to success, only to have the ladder removed as I had reached for the final rung.


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  When I landed, I found myself on a different path, a spiritual path and now I could see how everything was coming together. I had travelled a very hard road. Every time that I had climbed up some hope, I had fallen down some despair, until I had found my new and correct path. I again saw the analogy of a game of 'snakes and ladders'.

Even then I had taken so many detours and dead ends, that I had wondered if I would ever reach the summit. On the way, I have experienced so many things which I would not have believed possible. I have alternated from clarity and awareness, to confusion and questions of my sanity.

I now sat in a hotel room ready to take my final flight to meet the lady who was my soulmate, and to be reunited. I prepared to take the next step on my journey, a step which for me was into unknown territory, a new experience.


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